Five Months Later…

This entire month has been ruled primarily by my hatred of her… his mistress, his ex affair partner… his slut.

Since D-Day I have had phases of being obsessed and consumed with my feelings towards her… and mostly I have kept them from my husband. I suppose at times I think I am so obsessed with her that he would wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

I found her myspace page with 5 or 6 photos of her. One was a close up… I studied her face for ages. I look at her eyes and I imagine how she looked to him when she told him she loved him. I look at her mouth and imagine him kissing her, and worse.  I look at her breasts and how much smaller than mine they are… and how much thinner than me she is.  But I also look at her face and I know… I’m not the best looking woman in the world, but I’ve no doubt I am much more attractive than her. It offers some comfort – but not much. After all, he still went with her and lied to me.

My husband would think I was crazy – maybe I am. I do worry about what this affair has done to my sanity sometimes.

I feel an irresistable urge to post a picture and her personal details. Of course I won’t do it, but I am overwhelmed with wanting to humiliate her.

One day I will see her face-to-face… one day, I’m sure we’ll bump into her. In the early days, my plan was to have a know-it-all type smile on my face, while I simply said “honey, you weren’t the first, and you won’t be the last” and if she went on any further, I would just say “but from what he’s told me, you were certainly the worst.”

My husband said if I said that, he would not call me out on it. He would just keep his mouth shut. He says he doesn’t care if she thinks that he played her. I think he probably does care, but he’s saying and doing the right thing to appease me. That’s ok.

I want her to think that she didn’t play me. That she was nothing special. I guess that’s it.

I have this niggling thought that she regards herself as something important enough to risk his marriage for – hell, to LEAVE his marriage for. The truth is, she wasn’t. Few mistresses are. It’s all an assumption.

I learnt this week that her house is on the market. The house she and my husband had sex in, 12 times. It’s a comfort to know that he won’t know where she is… but a worry that neither will I. In theory, she could move in next door. She never knew where we lived…. I find that odd, that she had so little interest in him that she never asked where he lived, but she was supposedly wanting to soend the rest of her life with him.

*

I had my husband’s name tattooed on me. I said I would on May 22nd when he got my name tattooed on his ankle… but something held me back. 3 months later I eventually felt safe enough to do it and I love it 🙂

It’s difficult to say why I feel ‘safe’, given what my husband did. But I think the bottom line is, I feel his love, and I feel his remorse. Remorse – not regret – although he feels that too.

My husband would take it all back if he could, but more importantly, even now – 152 days on, he is still willing to answer every question, go over every detail and talk about it whenever I need to. He still says sorry, and he stills holds me when I cry. He has even cried with me on many occasions, and I can see that what he did tears him apart.

My husband bought me a Pandora bracelet last year for my birthday, and last week for my birthday he presented me with a new charm. I have 12 now, plus a safety chain and some spacers – all of them were bought for me by him. This charm made me cry – buckets. It’s a retired chinese symbol charm, meaning Eternity. It meant so much, because there were so many things he could have got me – so many love-related charms… but he chose one that meant forever – the one thing I pray for, and am most in fear of. I love him so much, and that charm will always be my most treasured.

Anyway, for the sake of anyone reading and wondering what life is like 5 months after the discovery of an affair….

80% of the time, life is better than before. 5-10% of the time, things are the same as before… and the rest of the time things are horribly hard. We have a heated discussion probably around twice a month. It usually starts with me triggering and getting either angry or upset… but bottling it up because I want normality… then he notices something is wrong and pressures me to tell him, so I do. The reaction is always the same – he is upset and hurt that I am still in pain. He wants to make it all better – he wants a week to go by without seeing tears rolling down my cheeks, that he knows are there because of him. I feel, at times, like I can’t face another day, and he worries I will leave. We talk – sometimes we yell… then we cry together and then hug alot. Each time we feel better for it, but exhausted emotionally… and each time it feels like we turned a corner. Generally speaking though, the next corner is never too far away.

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8 responses to “Five Months Later…

  1. Searchingforhope

    I am just past the 5 month mark from D Day so I thought I would leave my first comments to you here. I’ve read your entire blog and felt that your words could have been my own. We are married 26 years. The affair was a 2 week mid-life crisis. They met at an AA meeting, so you know they both have issues. She was a 28 year old , very troubled, looking for a daddy, neglectful mother (3 children and no custody rights), 2 times divorced…etc….. They were together on 2 occassions. The first occassion, my husband couldn’t perform. (Insert My Big Smile Here!) He said he was feeling nervous, guilty and he and I had just had sex 3 days in a row….so it wasn’t like he wasn’t getting any. The second occassion, she performend oral sex on him only. He says both times were awkward, uncomfortable, and he was nervous. So I guess I should be glad they actually never had intercourse. Despite that, he got tested for everything ..he knew I was concerned about it and did that on his own so I will give him credit for that. He ended it with her buy telling her he wouldn’t leave me. They were going to remain friends. She was ok with that. But then on the next day she called him a predator which made him feel bad. She ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder. He missed the “high” and the attention and within 2 weeks, told her he would leave me for her. (Of course, that part really kills me and I have struggled with it alot.) She said the time wasn’t right and besides she had already found another “old” guy . His ego was hurt. He was acting strange for those 2 weeks and I would ask him what was wrong. On D-Day morning I told him what I’d always said, “If you are going to have an affair, please leave me first.” Then he broke down, and said “It’s too late.” I was so calm and understanding..he was crying and so shaken. Of course later the anger and disgust hit me. The day after D Day (April 25, 2012) I went to the library searching for answers and found Shirley Glass’ book. (He read it too.) It was so helpful and I really felt it got me through those first couple of months. This past week has been difficult and I’ve told him to “GET OUT” on 2 different occassions, but I didn’t mean it and retracted those words within 5 minutes of saying them. I was going through some painful thoughts and the anger got to me. He is doing all the things he is supposed to be doing. We are seeing a good marriage counselor and we are both also getting individual counseling, but sometimes I think after our sessions we have a “bad spell” period. The couseling opens our eyes…a bit too wide maybe. It can bring up some painful things I think. I am grateful for your blog because I need to see that it WILL get better. Every month has brought out a change in me. Month 1 , I was in survival mode, doing everything to show him we belonged together. He came out of the “fog” during that first couple of weeks, and realized what a HUGE mistake he had made. What a fool he had been etc…Thank God. By the 4th month I was questioning what the Hell was I doing here with him. But now I am coming back into the marriage and realizing that I want to be with him. It’s JUST going to be difficult and we are JUST going to have to get through it. I haven’t told a single person. I am very private by nature. I also don’t want to hurt or burden our 21-year old daughter or our elderly mothers. I know that if I confide in my sister or close friends, that it will get out and I just won’t take that chance. So THANK YOU for letting me have this outlet.

    I would love to hear any comments from you or your readers. I pray that all of us are able to find peace in this lifetime.

    • I’m back with an update. I wrote the previous entry. I wanted to write about what happened in hopes that it will help someone else.

      It has now been a little over 7 months since Dday. We have been pluggin along. I have some good days and some bad days and some horrible days.

      But 3 days ago I received what I think is a GIFT from the other woman.

      She called my husband’s work number and left a message on his voicemail.

      Yes, this was the gift. And I will explain why.

      The last time my husband had any communication with her was when he responded to an email she sent him. He called her every foul name in the book, and told her to leave him alone or he would get a restraining order. This obviously didn’t stop her from contacting him again 5 months later. And yes, I did see the email so I know it’s true.

      Her voicemail message was this. “Hi. I know this is awkward. I was wondering if you could call me. My number is ###-####. I will understand if you can’t.”

      My husband immediately contacted me and told me. I went to his workplace, and listened to the voice message. He said he was not going to call her back. After some thought, I asked him to call her. I didn’t want her to think he didn’t get her message. I didn’t want her to think that he couldn’t call her back.

      So he called her. Yes, I was right by his side. Before she could say anything, he said, ” I told you not to contact me. I love my wife. I’m very happy and lucky that she took me back. I don’t want anything to do with you. Do not contact me again.” She said, ” Ok, I won’t”

      Do you understand why this was a GIFT? I got to hear my husband REJECT HER.

      This may not seem like a big deal, and some may say, “He was wrong to have anything to do with her in the first place.” And they would be 100% correct about that.

      But, my husband is SO remorseful. I KNOW that.

      And we want to make it work. And I feel pretty good about it. I didn’t think I could ever feel this way again.

      So, as my screen name implies, I believe I have found the hope I’ve been searching for. Who would have thought it would come
      in a voicemail message from the other woman?

      I hope and pray that we all get through this and that each of you receive a GIFT in some shape or form.

      Thank you for this blog. It has been extremely helpful to know that I am not alone.

  2. denise

    I wish you well. All I have are emails exchanges. We to get into heated ones and he always wants to know why I have to bring it up or give back handed comments. I want to email her so bad……but what will that do for me.. she would win. I’ve told my husband that what if this chick is secretly married and her husband was to come.after you. I am so lost cause I know he is at it again wiyh her. He is 41 and I think going thru mid life crisis.

  3. jbecker77@wi.rr.com

    get over it and get over your selves. its not about you or your precious ego. the marriage was lacking, probably seriously lacking. it would not have happened if it was fundamentally sound. it was not.
    play the jilted, violated spouse card till you die. all you will do is waste not only your life but, all those you have to share your ‘pain” with.

    life is not fair. bad things happen to good people all the time. your marriage was busted. he had an affair. he’s back and sorry. you both need to fix the marriage(emphasis on both)

    • Being a ‘jilted, violated’ spouse is not a part to play, it is who I am. I am not playing the victim… lord knows horrible things happen to good people all the time. I am simply sharing my journey with the others in my situation and hopefully helping them to get through the day. This blog has had over 100k hits since it started… thank you for being one of them. I hope you find yourself here for reasons other than being a betrayed spouse. Genuinely.

  4. I wish you well in healing. You move forward broken, a little different, but in the end stronger – if you’re willing to work. I’ve been there and still there and completely understand how it feels to be betrayed. Things do get better – corners are turned and as three steps are taken forward, one step may be backwards, but it’s still progress for the better. Make sure to take care of you during this time of healing. I wish you well.

  5. jolene

    How did the affair get exposed? 12 times seems to be the magic number for the oppeetunistic lust affair, Burns out quick.

  6. Michelle

    8 wks after I discovered husbands affair:( omg, been to hell and back. You see he is such a good man, quiet hard working, loves his family, and has many many friends. When I say quiet, I mean quiet. Ordinary , not a man who dresses over the top. Yes he’s overweight, and grey haired, but we have grown older together, and this makes me wonder what she saw in him???

    22 years married. 3 kids, nice house, car and a good happy and contented life. Only thing is, on his first time having to go away to work abroad, he got drunk met this person and the rest you can quests.

    After 7 months she slipped up, sent him a text and well a hell broke out caus I was the one who found it.

    Went to a counselled, and the truth all came out. Out of the 7 months he slept with her 6 times, but spoke to each other almost every day. I really did want to die, because there was no reason for him at all to have an affai. Sex was good between him and me, but his heavy work load, and health problems just gave way.

    He believes he must have sick to do what he did. He can’t explain why he did it, he feels sick sad so so sorry for what he did to me and our kids. I know he’s sorry, he cries to me all the time, and tells me how sorry he is. Could it be possible that he had a mid life crisis, or was he sick.

    I love him soooo much, but I hate him for what he did. I can’t get it out of my head. He has made it quite clear he wants us, but I feel so sad:( to the point where I sadly have thought of taking my own life. He knows this and it makes him even more devasted about what he did. He hasn’t had any contact with her in 8 weeks, I haven’t forgave him, nor can I ever forget. I look at him when he’s sleeping and I just want to cry all over again.

    Will my life ever get back on track again???? I can never imagine life without him, and he feels the same, but a few people say once a cheat always a cheat. But he swears that he will never ever put his marriage at risk again. Am I doing the right thing by staying and loving him?? Would love someone to give me their views. Bearing in mind, it has been him and me for the last 27 years.