A blog post, on this, my affair blog.

Hello beautiful people! As usual… well, I say usual, but as my blog posts seem to only happen very rarely these days, I am going to do what I did on my last post, 15 months ago and link to the beginning of my journey… before I start to witter.

My hell started here : Day 1 ~ D-Day

So! Hello hello hello!! How are you? Is anyone still here? Reading? In some ways I would love to hear silence when asking that question… that the world of infidelity had somehow healed itself and people had stopped being, well, human… but no, sadly I am still getting thousands of hits per month. Thank you for reading, sorry to those who find me for the first time, every day. I am genuinely so very sorry you have the need to read … but trust me when I say that READING blogs from people who ACTUALLY ‘get it’, really does help. It helped me immensely! Thank you especially to those who have been here since the beginning and check back to see how I am… how we are…. see, that’s always the burning question isn’t it?

Are you guys still together?

Well, thankfully, the answer is yes! It has been 6 years, 4 months and 2 days since D-Day and with this post I have a couple of updates I wanted to share with you. If you have been here all that time (love to you) you will know that I stopped blogging some time ago, because my inbox was filled with heartbreaking stories from people who were struggling. I felt for so long that if I could help I should, but after a few years I had to put my own sanity first. It helps nobody to constantly live in the past… and although, I believe, as a SURVIVOR of infidelity, you never forget what happened, you should try to move on, when you feel able… and for me that was as I approached the 4 year mark. I have felt better and not felt the need to blog at all… until lately.

My first real blog post in 2 1/2 years.

I have had to admit that my anxiety did not go away. I wrote an update 15 months ago, a check-in for my loyal followers to say, hey look! this shit gets better! I wasn’t lying.. it does get better, but I jumped the gun when it comes to my mental health.

I hate my husband for the state of my head, it’s only thing I do hate him for… I never hated him or got angry over the affair… we communicated so well in the years that followed the revelation, and I understood why, how etc etc… I couldn’t hate him. I do hate him for being selfish, for putting his ‘lust’ before my heart and for leaving me with this bullshit… but mostly I hate how messed up my head still is after all this time.

But, to be fair… I started off pretty broken, as a child. I grew up with violence, broken families etc etc. I grew up insecure, with low self esteem and with really twisted views on things. It’s not my husband’s fault that the girl he fell for was so broken inside already….

children only know what they are taught

My childhood was shit, end of story. When I met my husband, I found HOME. I found SAFE and I found LOVE.

D-Day really, really messed that up for me. I realised my home was conditional on my marriage, and my marriage was no longer safe. I was loved, but it felt risky and scary. That is the stuff I struggle with, and continue to.

You may ask why I stayed if it has been so bad –  it’s the most common question, especially from those who don’t ‘get it’… and despite the ongoing crap in my head, I have no regrets. I am married to my best friend, and for 6 years, 4 months and 2 days he has taken real good care of my heart… but by head is worse than ever. I need help, and I will get help.

The second thing that happened recently that made me want to run back to the security and comfort of my blog is as follows…

A very brief background… hubby’s affair partner was a work colleague. The day he came back to me he never once laid eyes on her again… with the exception of bumping into her in the supermarket one day, when he was with me and she just walked straight past us.

He found out very quickly once the fog had cleared that she was a predator and a nasty piece of work. Their paths have crossed over the years as they continue to work in the same line of business, but they have never come face to face and never ever made contact. He hates her, when we talk about it now he is repulsed by what happened between them. We both never, ever… am I getting this point across? NEVER want to see her again.

So, a few months ago, a new work colleague and a budding friendship – let’s call him ‘Alex’.. and hubby and him really hit it off. I met his wife, we got on great… it was all looking very ‘lovely’ and like maybe in time the 4 of us would be good friends. THEN it hit me one day while I was on social media. His surname was HER maiden name, and they live in the same town.. and I just found myself looking at his profile picture and realising in one huge gut-wrenching moment… how much he looked like her.

Does ****** have a brother?

I asked hubby, he looked confused – we don’t talk much about it these days.. “yeah don’t think she sees him though”. So I say to him… is it Alex?

Hubby went a funny colour at that point because he genuinely hadn’t twigged. Over the next 24 hours we confirmed that yes, hubby’s new best friend is indeed his affair partners brother. Nobody knew, and from what we can gather, he doesn’t know anything about the affair… because, (and this should really MATTER) he hasn’t actually spoken to her for over 15 years.

I say – it should MATTER… because right now, it doesn’t feel like it does… but my head is yelling at me – course it matters!!! he has nothing to do with her!! This changes NOTHING!!! He is not his sister!!!

Someone please tell me I am not going mad!! I feel sick, anxious and sooo very uneasy about this situation now… I want to run… far far away.

It feels like she is suddenly back in our lives… and my friends don’t seem to understand how this is affecting me. Hubby does – it has knocked him too… but after the initial conversation where Alex said he hates her and she is not in his life, they have not mentioned it again and things are back to normal.

My thoughts…. well, families change, things happen. Maybe one day someone will get cancer, or someone will die… and somehow the past will all vanish and Alex and his sister will be reunited. Maybe one day she will just call into work to see her brother.

#notcoping

 

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4 Comments

Filed under Update

4 responses to “A blog post, on this, my affair blog.

  1. acceptance

    So I totally understand how you feel and why. I have one friend who is still a mutual friend with HER and it drives me crazy. Because I know they’ve talked about the situation but I refuse to talk about it. I go back and forth between wanting to be her friend or not. Not fair to her, but it is what I need to do to survive. Tried to explain this to her but I’m sure I just sounded crazy.

    So at the end of the day, I guess what I’m trying to say to you, is you need to do what makes you feel safe and sane.
    And I need to follow my own advice! 🙂

  2. Mistaken

    It appears that TOW hasn’t ever left. Your feelings are justified. I’m sorry.

  3. Jamie

    I can understand your anxiety and the feeling that TOW doesn’t ever seem to leave you. My DH had his affair 8 years ago with one of our managers at our business. I found out via email from TOW ( who had quit about a year prior) right before our 19th wedding anniversary. I chose to stay but, just celebrated our 25th, I am regretting my decision. She never leaves my mind. My heart broke so badly that the pieces don’t fit and I am not in love anymore. I fear we will see her because she remains in the same industry. I wasn’t enough, and I still feel that way. Every year that passes I dislike my DH more and more. I go to counseling once a week, she’s helping me to find the strength to leave. It’s so hard! My livelihood, my kids are all with this man who didn’t value me enough to say no. Your blog helps me feel sane. I’m not alone, others regret staying, others still feel the dark cloud of TOW floating above their marriages. I’ll keep you in my prayers as you navigate this new challenge in your marriage.

  4. Searchingforhope

    If I were you I would be so sickened by this. I’m so sorry that you are feeling so badly but I understand and I don’t think you are “going mad”.

    I don’t really know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I have found that good friends are hard to come by, and if “Alex” and his wife are valuable to you and your husband I can understand why you would want to continue your friendship.

    But, your sanity, your overall health and your state of mind should be the priority here. If this friendship is affecting you to the point that you are having setbacks, then maybe you should step back and reevaluate it’s worth.

    You are in my thoughts, and I wish you the best. Thank you for your blog. It has made my feel less alone. My husband and I continue to heal…it’s very difficult…really appreciate your sharing.

    Have you made any changes to your friendship since you last posted?