Update on us… Day 1029 / 2 years, 9 months, 23 days out.

Lots of activity on this blog lately has prompted me to blog for the first time in over 6 months.

It makes me happy to know that the last time I felt I needed to blog about the trauma of infidelity was so long ago. At one time in my life…. the first 6 months particularly, I felt the need most days. It was my release.. my understanding friend. I would spill all the crap that was burning a hold in my heart and lovely people, sadly in the same boat, would comment to tell me I wasn’t losing my mind. I often felt like I was losing my mind.

The most common phrase I hear from visitors to this blog is something along the lines of

I don’t think I can survive another day

I have thought long and hard about how to tell you, YOU WILL. I felt like that SO many times. I am told a lot that I am a positive person and that my blog is positive… maybe those people just haven’t read enough. The truth is, I was once suicidal. I went to the doctor, sat in floods of tears and told her I went to bed every night not wanting to wake up. I meant it – don’t doubt that. I couldn’t bear the thought of taking one more breath.

It passes. Thank God.

PLEASE, if you ever think that way – first stop is the doctor. It’s nothing to be ashamed of… sometimes our bodies/heads/hearts just aren’t capable of dealing with the crap our OH has thrown our way. Don’t be too proud to take care of your mental health. You won’t survivie if that fundamental thing is being neglected. Take care of YOU.

So, an update 🙂

We are great… no exaggeration. I don’t say that to boast at how we survived. I say it because I know it offers hope to those who are not as far past D-Day… and to those who are still struggling. Do I still struggle? My God yes. Not daily… actually, I should say not hourly… at one time it was hourly. Then it was a daily struggle… then a few times a week – you see what I am saying? Now, honestly… the affair pops into my mind most days… but kinda the same way you recall that you need to bring the laundry in off the line. It doesn’t hurt.

Sometimes, a trigger hits – the same things as usual – songs, movies, tv… faces, places. Once upon a time those things would break me… turn me from happy to devastated… bring tears in a second. Now, then make me sigh… swallow… reflect. Sometimes, they make me grateful that we survived. Sometimes they make me angry. But they don’t hurt nearly as much as they once did. They serve as a reminder that life can throw shit at you with no notice and although in the middle of it, it’s our tendency to panic and doubt our strength… we DO survive. We do.

April 1st will be 3 years of ‘clean’ marriage for us. It’s our 15th wedding anniversary this year – June. We had always planned to get blessed / renew our vows on our 15th anniversary. That idea went out of the window for financial reasons, but also… there is still a big part of me that struggles to celebrates 15 years. I feel like we should celebrate 3 years… 3 years of US… nobody else. It’s quite sad. Maybe we will renew our vows when we are 5 or 10 years out from D-Day….

I am still grieving pre-d-day days. I would be lying if I told you that 3 years of recovery has fixed that. I grieve for my faithful husband, the carefree days… feeling safe, feeling secure… thinking I had it all. I could cry right now thinking of it. Maybe that is the biggest, most damaging thing in the long run? I love my husband, my post-d-day husband. In many ways he is a better husband, and our marriage is stronger… but I still miss the days before.

Maybe I always will :-\

My husband now works with another woman… he has done for some months. I found it hard at first… I checked her out on facebook…made friends with her on there… looked at her photos, read her statuses back for months… tried to suss her out. She was recently split from a long term partner and has a baby. I felt VERY threatened by her. Very. It has eased…. but I will never let me guard down.

My husband makes a massive effort to make sure he protects us… if he finds himself alone with her, he leaves the room. He never starts a conversation, and he doesn’t share personal stuff with her. He keeps things cool and professional. I sometimes think he is as scared as me that it happens again. I really hope so xx

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12 Comments

Filed under Update

12 responses to “Update on us… Day 1029 / 2 years, 9 months, 23 days out.

  1. Thank you, that is such a positive post. I am 1 year 2 months out (that was the last D Day – I first knew about his affair with his AP in December 2010 and we had 14 months of false recovery while I thought it was all over). We will have been married for 18 years in August this year. I still have really bad times, but I agree they are not hourly like they used to be in the first days. Your post gives me hope that with more time things will get even better.

  2. Samantha Baker

    That hyper-awareness is a good thing on their part. Now that my husband is working again, in an environment similar (yet different) to where he was before, he is SO vigilent about his mannerisms, how he appears, how he interacts with people, etc. He doesn’t put himself out there at all. He isn’t “friends” with employees, etc. And I’m so grateful he’s starting off like that you know?

    I think part of us will always mourn our old marriage. It’s much like a death. But we can have a better marriage after. It doesn’t mean we miss those carefree days either.

    I’m glad you’re doing so well.

  3. riker

    How true it is! I am 14 months and 18 days past Dday. I feel like we are on the right track. I still cry…..triggers occur. However, I,too, feel like it is happening less and less. Thank you for your contributions! I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me and I’m sure many others who are dealing with the same thing.

  4. julesasmrspersonality

    Your post is fantastic, it perfectly describes where I am at in my marriage. Our 14th anniversary is in April, but I feel like we will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary July 30th. That was our final DDay and when our post affair life actually started. The first year was hell, no lie, but with every day that passes it gets a little easier.

  5. I just commented on another blog about the sadness of losing our pre-affair marriage. I am still struggling with this the most out of everything. My biggest fear is never being able to get past that sadness.
    I found a writing of his the other day that described our marriage as a vessal or a ceramic vase that he was holding but not guarding. He said he didn’t realize something so strong could also be fragile. He recognizes his mistakes but why didn’t he see them before d-day? Or at least enough to stop the behavior?

  6. Yes totally. I think there will always be a reminder and a wall around me to never make the same mistakes again!

  7. Snarky12

    I too mourn the pre D-day person we both used to be. We are almost 2 years post D-day. I don’t like being cautious of every female he comes in contact with. We own our own business and the affair happened here at work under my nose. As you can imagine it really messed with my ability to trust ANYONE. My heart goes out to those of you who are just starting your healing process.

  8. Lee

    It has been two months for me as I sit here writing I am sobbing because the pain is so deep. Sad thing is…this is the second time he has done this. He suffers from MDD-Major Depressive Disorder. He has a major episode about every 10 years of deep depression and when he does…BOOM he cheats. This time though the “other woman” contacted me by Facebook and was glad to share every detail!! It was like my whole world shattered. I mean I have to be normal for my kids when inside it is a struggle to take each breath when he is in the room. He has remorse but right now I don’t care!! I literally want to punch him in the face and then in the next minute grab him and hug him and ask why I wasn’t good enough!!! I’ve been through this before with him and you are right the pain does lessen but the trust goes and it took me 10 years of praying and begging God to help me trust him again and then he does it again!!! I spent five months of hell fighting for him and waiting patiently for this last depressive episode to pass and low and behold he already had someone to fill his void!! Problem is this time I am older and I think about starting over and it frightens me so much. Plus I look at my children and think of the hurt they will endure and that keeps me hanging on trying to work things out with him. We will be married 23 years in August and I keep thinking this might be the last anniversary we celebrate!! Right now I just hate him so much!! Thanks for listening to me vent, believe it or not I feel a sense of relief just getting some of this off of my chest. I have been very private about sharing because I don’t want people to judge him or maybe I’m just to embarrassed…either way this is such a lonely process. He is in counseling but sometimes I feel like we are just standing still!! I am just taking one day at a time and praying to GOD that each day brings less pain!!! 😦

  9. Anci

    Thank you so much for your blog! It helped me alot for feeling at least less crazy…for what I feel and how I behave! I want to forgive and forget as I was forgiven for my mistakes! It gives me so much hope one day i will be able to function as a normal human being again and not cry all the time about everything! I hope my partner will have patience for what will come since we are only entering 4th month… I dont know what i would do if he fails me again and I hope he wont dare!
    As for carefree days I wish I never experienced them because Im aware now those weren’t real… Ill make sure my kids are aware of that and not get broken ever as I did with this!
    Take care all! And no matter what at some point things have to be good again with or without our partners! xx

  10. Sally

    My breath and heart catch throughout this story. I am a painful 4 months in. There are days I feel I will drive myself insane, that if I don’t run I’ll die. Celebrate the 3 years. In the land of betrayal..surviving that length of time is a milestone. I have 4 months.. I’ve lost 19.

  11. denise

    I think my husband is at it again with the same woman. I do not think it ever ended. If you looked at our marriage from the outside or even in you would never suspect anything. My d day is Sept 2012. I immediately confronted him and of cource it was no no no, but he knows that I am not a stupid woman. I told him that if was not happy he should go and allow me to begin to heal and find my happiness and to also not stay with me because of our son. I am a terrible explainer so please forgive me. He did want to leave he wanted only me and then proceed to explain himself that since I had the baby….. I am sure you all see where this is going. We talked and said that we would both try harder to have date nights etc. He never did say why he said he did not know why and that he does not know what he would have done if it was me. We decided to go on q vacation alone to rekindle which was great. Any who things were going great and I wa almost not thinking of it ever waking he,but then my stomach was in knots and I decided to check up and there was the email from this chick stating she.misses him and loves him. I do not know where this guy finds the time to see het or if it only online . He is always with us except work which he does not work in an office but as a engineer in a bldg. I saw in an email that she created for him a new email acct. Very nice of her. I do not know what to do at this moment. Please send me some advice. I even told him on Valentine’s day , after receiving beautiful cards and gifts that if he wanted someone else then go…… I truly love this man with my entire sole. HELP .

  12. Missie Crosby

    I found out yesterday that my husband of 27 years has been having an emotional affair for the last 8 months. He says it never got physical but I don’t believe him. I don’t want to throw it away but I don’t know how to get through this. I always had absolute faith in him and us but today, I can’t imagine ever trusting him again. We have five children who idolize their father. I am so lost.