Lots of activity on this blog lately has prompted me to blog for the first time in over 6 months.
It makes me happy to know that the last time I felt I needed to blog about the trauma of infidelity was so long ago. At one time in my life…. the first 6 months particularly, I felt the need most days. It was my release.. my understanding friend. I would spill all the crap that was burning a hold in my heart and lovely people, sadly in the same boat, would comment to tell me I wasn’t losing my mind. I often felt like I was losing my mind.
The most common phrase I hear from visitors to this blog is something along the lines of
I don’t think I can survive another day
I have thought long and hard about how to tell you, YOU WILL. I felt like that SO many times. I am told a lot that I am a positive person and that my blog is positive… maybe those people just haven’t read enough. The truth is, I was once suicidal. I went to the doctor, sat in floods of tears and told her I went to bed every night not wanting to wake up. I meant it – don’t doubt that. I couldn’t bear the thought of taking one more breath.
It passes. Thank God.
PLEASE, if you ever think that way – first stop is the doctor. It’s nothing to be ashamed of… sometimes our bodies/heads/hearts just aren’t capable of dealing with the crap our OH has thrown our way. Don’t be too proud to take care of your mental health. You won’t survivie if that fundamental thing is being neglected. Take care of YOU.
So, an update 🙂
We are great… no exaggeration. I don’t say that to boast at how we survived. I say it because I know it offers hope to those who are not as far past D-Day… and to those who are still struggling. Do I still struggle? My God yes. Not daily… actually, I should say not hourly… at one time it was hourly. Then it was a daily struggle… then a few times a week – you see what I am saying? Now, honestly… the affair pops into my mind most days… but kinda the same way you recall that you need to bring the laundry in off the line. It doesn’t hurt.
Sometimes, a trigger hits – the same things as usual – songs, movies, tv… faces, places. Once upon a time those things would break me… turn me from happy to devastated… bring tears in a second. Now, then make me sigh… swallow… reflect. Sometimes, they make me grateful that we survived. Sometimes they make me angry. But they don’t hurt nearly as much as they once did. They serve as a reminder that life can throw shit at you with no notice and although in the middle of it, it’s our tendency to panic and doubt our strength… we DO survive. We do.
April 1st will be 3 years of ‘clean’ marriage for us. It’s our 15th wedding anniversary this year – June. We had always planned to get blessed / renew our vows on our 15th anniversary. That idea went out of the window for financial reasons, but also… there is still a big part of me that struggles to celebrates 15 years. I feel like we should celebrate 3 years… 3 years of US… nobody else. It’s quite sad. Maybe we will renew our vows when we are 5 or 10 years out from D-Day….
I am still grieving pre-d-day days. I would be lying if I told you that 3 years of recovery has fixed that. I grieve for my faithful husband, the carefree days… feeling safe, feeling secure… thinking I had it all. I could cry right now thinking of it. Maybe that is the biggest, most damaging thing in the long run? I love my husband, my post-d-day husband. In many ways he is a better husband, and our marriage is stronger… but I still miss the days before.
Maybe I always will :-\
My husband now works with another woman… he has done for some months. I found it hard at first… I checked her out on facebook…made friends with her on there… looked at her photos, read her statuses back for months… tried to suss her out. She was recently split from a long term partner and has a baby. I felt VERY threatened by her. Very. It has eased…. but I will never let me guard down.
My husband makes a massive effort to make sure he protects us… if he finds himself alone with her, he leaves the room. He never starts a conversation, and he doesn’t share personal stuff with her. He keeps things cool and professional. I sometimes think he is as scared as me that it happens again. I really hope so xx