Thinking

I’m just being bloody paranoid… if there’s something going on, when?? He leaves for work late most mornings, so no time there. He calls me before he leaves work at lunch and is often late back, so couldn’t be squeezing anything in there… same on the way home from work. The only time he is alone is in the car, so… maybe he is having an emotional affair? Maybe he receiving a call while he is in the car… but if that was the case, then if we are going to my friends at lunchtime is kinda irrelevant. Then there’s the sex rejection – if he’s not sleeping with someone else why would he not want sex?

When he was in the affair, he rejected me for sex, just one time… because he’d slept with her the previous 2 nights. *vomit*.

How can that still knock me sick 17 months later…?

He also slept with me 6 times during that time… quite alot by all accounts. Especially when you factor in the fact he slept with her 12 times. Sex 18 times in one month? Crazy shit. Saying that, we managed 24 the following month 😀

I’ve never thought about the fact we had sex 6 times that month… that is alot for us… maybe he, like her… was hornier with ‘the spouse’ because he was having an affair. *vomit*.

Anyway, I’m keeping my eyes open….

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Thinking

  1. I cannot tell you how similar our stories are. Your feelings mirror mine. The time, lenghth, recations and reactions are the same. Minor differences, Married 18 year, he had an emotional affair, and he wouldn’t leave after the physical affair. Both affairs were with people that I was friends with, that he met through me. It has been 10 months. I still feel hopeless. I read every detailed email that was sent *vomit*. We have been seeing counselors for 2 months. He says he will never do it again and that the first time we never identifid the problems. He says he is different now. I have no trust, no self esteem, no hope. I am pissed off becasue he is now giving me everything I wanted and I can’t enjoy it becasue of the BLACK cloud. I don’t believe a word he says. Both affairs lasted about a month. I found out about them early on, but he kept swearing that he stopped contact and I kept catching him. Only after a serious ultimatum did he stop communications. I feel like it will never go away. Holidays are coming and this all happend over Thanksgiving and Christmas. UGH. 😦 I am hoping that you are seeing a brighter light than me since it has been a little bit longer to give me hope.

    • I don’t know if I can say anything that will help you 😦 I remember reading that it takes 2-5 years to recover… and at the start I thought that was ridiculous… now, 18 months out… I can see it’s probably true. But, having said that… the time passes quicker than you imagine it will… and you do get through it.
      I have bad days still… was having one today actually, so your comment was strangely timed. It brought a tear to my eye to know someone else is suffering – of course there are probably thousands out there, but when someone reaches out like you did, it makes it more real. I relate to your husband saying the problems weren’t identified after the first affair – I had an emotional affair 7 years ago, and my husband forgave me – no questions asked. We dealt with nothing.. nothing was learnt, and so… we travelled down the road to my husband’s rather more serious physical affair. Lessons have been learnt since though, and it sounds to me like they have for your husband too. If he is doing everything asked of him, and you believe him to be sorry you just have to give it time. I trust my husband’s intentions, but I don’t trust his willpower – but he says he will always make the effort to avoid any situations that may be risky, or a danger to our marriage – and he has promised to always, always be open and honest even if he thinks I will be hurt by his words. I think that’s the best thing I can hope for in the aftermath of this mess. We didn’t have counselling, but we did read the Shirley Glass book – Not Just Friends and it was a real eye-opener. Sending love and strength your way xxx

  2. Sorry for my poor spelling above. Typing fast and I guess furious. 😦

  3. StrongerThanIWas

    I can’t ever thank you enough for this blog. My D-Day was seven months ago, approximately, and I struggle so much all the time despite our marriage being better than ever. I want to love without fear again. I want to trust and feel safe as never before. But like you, it’s not the present that frightens me so much, but the future. What if he forgets? What if his intentions go down the drain again in the future? I couldn’t bear to go through this pain ever again. I felt like dying for months. In fact, the thought of dying was the only thing that allowed me to sleep at night, so I just spent night after night laying there thinking about finally taking my very last breath. It’s a miracle I got through that time without hurting myself, but here I am, and I know that most of the negative emotions I feel now are just paranoia and hypersensitivity. This blog made me realize that it’s normal to feel what I felt, and that it’s normal to still be scared shitless even after several months. I pray your marriage works out, and I pray that both your and my husband have learned their lesson. I know I spend a lot of time praying these days. Maybe God can hear me and the fates will show enough mercy to let us live out the remainder of our lives in peace, love, and marital bliss.

    • 7 months…. It was around this time I realised the worst was over…. For me, the first 6 months was HELL. Once you get to maybe 8/9 months you Will realise you have entered a different phase. Not saying its much easier…. Just better somehow. I thought that one year would make a massive difference… It didn’t. I think the recovery of an affair takes a long time and you only realise how well you’re doing by looking back. You never feel like you are doing better… It always feels hard…. And I know how you feel when you say there have been times you haven’t wanted to live another day. I so wanted it all to end, so many times. You must see your doctor if ever you feel like that again.
      That said, before you know it, it will be 2 years, and it really, really does get better by then. It is so weird, but you find yourself not thinking about it every second of the day. There is still fear, hypersensitivity and paranoia, but NOTHING like it is for you now. Hang in there, stay strong…. Look how far you came already?! Xxxx