This may be my last post. I am intending it to be, but who knows.
Today, a year ago. He’d been telling another woman he loved her for 6 days. He’d been sleeping with her for 22 days. He was pulling away from me physically and emotionally every single day and things betwen us were falling apart. I had asked, and accused him of having an affair on several occasions. I knew him too well, and I knew something was very, very wrong. He slept with her last on the 28th. On the 29th they rehearsed together and she was ill – so ill she ended up in hospital. He was a mess worrying about her – and probably worrying because I was not letting up with the whole “what’s going on?” thing.
On 31st March it will be one year since he decided our marriage could not be saved and his best bet was to walk away and be with her. He didn’t even know if they would last, or if it was what he wanted. He knew he had strong feelings for her, and he knew – or thought, at least… that he had destroyed everything we had. I hate him for assuming that. I hate him for not fighting – for not walking in and instead of saying “I’m leaving you”, actually saying “shit, look what I did, please forgive me”. So much would have been different if he had JUST wanted to save us right from the start.
Anyway, the 21st… he came home from work and I wanted sex. He rejected me, quite cruelly… and when I cried, he said I was too demanding and we rowed. He actually had not slept with her that night, but he had the previous 2 nights. SHE was the one who was demanding. She called him every single day wanting him to go round for sex. She succeeded 12 times in 25 days. Pretty impressive.
So, after the row, I moved into the spare room to sleep, and for the first time in 12 years he left me there all night. I cried all night.
The next day, he left for work without seeing me – another first. At lunchtime, I purposely walked the dog over lunchtime so I would not be home when he came in. I was crumbling… so, so hurt. I was so confused… it was like being married to a stranger. I returned once I knew he’d gone back to work… to find roses and cookies. I was glad he’d seen it was his fault.
That night, we made mad, passionate love. I asked him to tell me I was the only one. He held my face in his hands, looked into my eyes, and said “you are the only one”.
That’s a hard lie to get over.
Now, as we approach those few anniversaries, followed by the big D-day anniversary… I realise that even now, all this time later.. some things still get me.
He wanted someone else.
He held someone elses face in his hands and kissed her. I hate that it sometimes pops into my mind when he kisses me, even now.
Someone else touched (and worse) his body, and he touched (and worse) hers.
When I was at my lowest, crumbling, desperate state, during the affair… when I was begging him to tell me what was up… he felt like I was nagging, and it pushed him closer to her.
Ultimately, fog or no fog.. not thinking straight, whatever… he LEFT me. He gave up. I wasn’t worth fighting for.
I’ve heard the line “I’ll never, ever leave you” …so, so , SO many times in the 13.5 years we’ve been together. But he did. And he thinks I should be able to believe him when he says it now. How?
So, just to finalise this blog (hopefully).
Anyone reading this who is struggling to find the answers… you will find them, but it takes time… and some answers may never come.
Marriages can, and do survive affairs… but the damage is INCREDIBLE. There are deep, nasty scars that will fade but never go away. If you love each other enough to live with those scars… and fight to rebuild what you had, and make it BETTER… then you will survive, and you will be happy again.
The last year has been THE most painful year of my entire life – and I’ve been through some horrible things. But I’ve also been THE most happy I’ve ever been. I would never choose to have this disgusting, huge black mark on our history as a couple.. but it’s there, and we’re still here. Thank God.