Why did it have to be the whole of March? The whole of one month? Geez, that means one twelfth of my life will always be tarred with this crap… and that’s without the ‘overcast’ feeling of the other 11 months of the year.
I cried a lot yesterday. I couldn’t help but be back there, on that day – March 1st. I was having my wisdom tooth out that day… I was scared. My husband, between his 50-60 texts to her that day, rang me to tell me he loved me and was thinking of me. Yesterday morning he wrote on my facebook “I’m thinking of you today, Just like every other day xxx” It reminded me of his call to me as I went to the dentist. It also made me think he was being a patronising shithead. I described it like someone running someone over, and then taking them a ‘Get Well Soon’ card in hospital. Of course, it wasn’t meant like that. My husband doesn’t have a wicked bone in his body.
So, I was solemn when he came in from work. We went to the beach with the dog, then he dropped me at my Mums because he was going to fix someone’s computer and I knew I would sit at home and cry if I was left alone.
He got me at about 9pm, we came home, ate… then he fell asleep.. as per usual. He works two jobs and he works hard. I have learnt to stop complaning about how much he sleeps. That’s me working at our marriage. He woke at about 11pm, and then the talking started. I was angry. Where did that come from? I’ve never been angry. Not for more than a passing moment or thought. I called him pathetic, scum, weak and a ‘typical bloke’. I told him he didn’t give a crap about me, or the effort I’d put into our marriage for 12 years prior to the affair. I, once again, forced him to accept that this affair did not start from something that developed. It started because he was thinking with his penis, and the opportunity was there. I forced him to admit that he plain and simply just wanted to f*ck her. He wouldn’t say it. It disgusts him that he was ever that person. But he was… and in my mind, pretending he wasn’t isn’t dealing with it.
He said it eventually, it stung and his eyes briefly filled with tears. He doesn’t want to be a ‘typical bloke’. He doesn’t want to destroy his life because he thinks with his penis. He wants to be a good husband and spend his life with me.
We got onto the ‘what did you see in her?” question. She’s not like me. She has dyed black hair, is thinner – much thinner than me. She has small breasts, she’s got blue eyes. She loud, brash and vulgar. She’s ‘common’. I am just a natural brown, hazel eyes.. and ‘fat’. My husband likes my fat – he’s always said that. So, why her? I thought she was unattractive even before the affair – that was my comfort blanket. It failed me.
He struggled… but then said “I know you think she was ugly, but she reminded me of you… in her mannerisms and you two had alot in common”. I knew what he meant. I’ve seen a lot of photos of her. Back in september, my husband took a photo of me from the side. It’s not something you see often… and there she was… in me. We have the same profile. Her teeth and the shape of her mouth – like mine. She’s confident and outspoken… as am I. Last night he told me the only real difference was her vulgarity. I questioned him liking that – I’m not that way. I was brought up properly. I was taught it’s not polite to go into company and tell people you’re horny. That it may be offensive to ask a man you just met, how big his penis is.
My husband liked that? I guess so. He said he did anyway. Where does that leave me? I’ve chosen to liken it to porn. Just because it’s arousing, it doesn’t mean you want it in everyday life. Well, I hope not.
It was an angry conversation, but there was still tears. He said once again that it has been the worst experience of his life. He never wants to go through this again… and that although, at the time, it was exciting and he was flattered… and indeed he felt something for her that he thought was love. The fallout was such a horrendous shock to him, he will never put himself there again.
I told him I came close to suicide last year. Even with him by my side… even with him doing everything I could wish for and more… even with her gone from our lives and our marriage being better than ever… I still had moments where the pain was too much to bear. I am SO thankful I can cope now. I do cope now. It’s not always simple. Sometimes I want to crawl under the duvet and sob till I run out of tears. Sometimes I want to scream at him and demand he tells me why he did this to me. But mostly, the affair is just there. Kinda like having a bruise on your arm. You notice it. You forget now and then, but then you notice it again.
I hope the bruise fades over time.