Gratitude

Since I met my husband 13 years and 3 months ago, we have always said we had the best relationship of anyone we knew. Admittedly it wasn’t as perfect as we thought, because here we are… but the only person who came close to having what we had, in all those years, was a friend of mine. We’ll call her Louise. She and I are distant friends – we met online… we would chat occasionally. Louise and her husband met at school. They were spouses – but more importantly, best friends… for 12 years since she was 18.

They, like us have been trying to conceive for the majority of those 12 years… but as best friends they got through it – like us.

In July of last year, when I was still reeling and feeling unbelievably hurt and shocked about my husbands affair, Louise’s husband told her he no longer loved her and asked her to move out of their home.

Everyone assumed he was having some sort of midlife crisis, or breakdown. Me? I personally thought he was having an affair – naturally…. I urged her to check up on him, but she wouldn’t allow herself to go there. I get that. For weeks, both families assumed it was a blip, because they were so good together. After about 2 months, she finally moved out. She had spent all that time trying to figure out what he was thinking, and trying to save her marriage. She lost a load of weight and ended up at just over 100lbs. I have never seen anyone so unhappy. Yet he didn’t appear to care. I was convinced there was more to it – that nobody just falls out of love like that.

I haven’t spoken to her in some time. Tonight, she updated her facebook so I dropped her an email. They are getting divorced. She is back living with him because at some point, she got some strength from somewhere and decided she had as much right as he did to be living there. He is being horrible to her on a daily basis, and it’s her leading the divorce proceedings. She is buying him out of the house and she wants him out.  She stopped fighting – she had to. She still does not, and can not understand what the hell happened to him, and to them…. but she has to accept her marriage is over, and that she’s lost her best friend.

She’s not doing so well. 😦

I read her email tonight and felt tears running down my cheeks. I can’t imagine losing my best friend – my husband. I don’t care what he did, how naive he was, how STUPID…. he is still my best friend, and the only person I ever want to be with.

I am truly thankful I still have him, even with the infidelity haunting us. It could be worse.

Crying

Today is day 298.

Last night I dreamt we were shopping and there was a famous tennis player in the town and she was beautiful, and sexy… and my husband liked her. He said “she’s fit” and I took it all in my stride, laughing it off.

Then we were in our spare bedroom, and he was sitting in the baby crib (I was dreaming lol) and he said “I’m not in love with you” and I asked him what he meant and he said “I really liked that tennis player… but I mean,REALLY liked” and then said he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

The next thing I knew I could hear my husband’s voice saying “babe, babe, it’s ok” and I woke to find I was crying and struggling to catch my breath in my sleep… my husband was rubbing my arm trying to wake me up. Once I was conscious I sobbed my heart out as he held me. He kept saying “I’m not doing anything, I love you” … but all I could think of was, how long before he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore?

More to the point, how long before I feel confident in his love again? Because I know it’s me and my issue… he does everything physically possible (and more) to make me feel loved. But his affair stops a lot of it being absorbed.