Regarding a comment…

I received a comment yesterday on my Love ❤ post, accusing me of painting the aftermath of an affair as ‘rosy’.

I was quite upset by this comment, mainly because the last thing I would ever want to do is pretend that an affair doesn’t COMPLETELY destroy lives and cause absolute devastation… if someone thinking of cheating ever reads my blog and thinks everything will be ok if the affair is ever discovered, then I have really f*cked up in my writing.

I blog mainly for me, so I can look back at the progress I have made in my own marriage, because, at times, the ‘2 steps back’ feeling makes you feel like you’re getting nowhere, when actually you are. My story is different to anyone else’s and our recovery the same. I’m not going to blog telling the world we’re unhappy, if we’re not.

I suspect the reader/commenter has not read much of my blog. When I skip through my posts, I notice – if anything – an awful lot of negative stuff – outlining how damaged things are, how much I have changed (not for the better) and how miserable I am – at times. I find it quite hurtful to be accused of being TOO HAPPY, after my husband did the worst thing I can possibly imagine.

I recently wrote some monthly summary-type pages for reference, and a quick way for readers (and myself) to see how things were at specific times following D-Day. In one, I wrote – and highlighted I AM GLAD HE HAD AN AFFAIR.

In the original context, it went like this:

It feels like we’re more in love than we’ve ever been, and in some ways I am relieved this happened.

Yes, I just said I AM GLAD HE HAD AN AFFAIR.

Of course, I’m not. But I do wonder if I could go back and stop it happening…. where would we be heading now? Ignorant of all the things we’ve since learned about each other…. ignorant of how NOT indestructable we are. I can’t help but think we were on the path to divorce… eventually… maybe. Who knows?

The original post is here.

If I was wrong to write that, I sincerely apologise… but I stand by it. I would do ANYTHING to change what has happened, and so would my husband. I would not wish an affair on my worst enemy….BUT we know each other better now…. have learnt invaluable things about our own vulnerabilities, and fallen more in love. We now know that we can’t afford to sit back and  ‘be married’ and expect it to just work. It takes effort, patience, understanding, selflessness, consideration, affection, intimacy and love. We believed love was enough, and it carried us for 12 years… but no longer than that. Something had to show us we needed to put more in… and the affair did that.

Thoughts on this would be appreciated….



Filed under Update

4 responses to “Regarding a comment…

  1. secretlifeofjane

    I completely understand where you are coming from- though we sit on opposite sides of the issue (I am the betrayer). My husband and I, through a lot of hard work, have discovered a new level of intimacy that we may not have if not for the affair. I doubt either of us would ever say we are glad that the affair happened, but I know we both feel very happy about the progress we’ve made and will continue to make moving forward. This process is hard. Lives were devastated in the process and that cannot be undone, but we can move forward and create the marriage we’ve always wanted but were always too afraid to have.

  2. secretlifeofjane

    Oh- and I think it’s very healthy to show that marriages can survive an affair. Is it hard? Yes, but it is possible, and I think that giving people that hope is definitely not a bad thing.

  3. duplicitydiscovered

    hello, new reader to your blog and i also understand your comments. of course, with most turmoil if we don’t sink and destroy our selves, we come out stronger and a true survivor. my marriage (one year plus after discovery) feels so much stronger. i still do not have the trust back and doubt is crippling, but overall we are stronger for the whole process. thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts….it is helpful to know that others can forgive and move on and maintain happy marraiges. best to you in this New Year.

  4. munster

    Just want to thank you for the blog, it is helping me over the months. You are so right about needing to learn your marriage was destructible. My wife (OS) and I agree that we thought we could be slack and disrespectful and we would survive it. Learnt the hard way that you are only a few weeks from it all falling apart given the wrong circumstances.
    You must be honest and keep trying, and respect yourself and stay confident. We are 3 months passed D-Day, and I feel those two steps back at the moment.
    But we agree that the way we were heading, without the massive circuit breaker the affair was, we would likely have remained quietly unhappy and split by now. 18 year relationship, nearly lost for good, now damaged but changed for the better mostly.