Day 255 – I’ve changed…

Before my husband’s affair… we would sometimes be watching TV or a music video or something, and there’d be stocking-clad, half naked women on and he would oogle them (as most men do)…. and I would roll my eyes.

I would love the ability to roll my eyes now.

Since D-Day… 255 days…. I cannot bear watching stuff like that with him. I feel over-sensitive to it… but I can’t help it and it’s driving me crazy. Tonight, I watched The X Factor, and Christina Aguilera was on there with a corset and tights on, with her breasts hanging out, and my husband (who was out working, but watching it) called and mentioned her ‘jugs look good!’ and I felt like throwing up.

A couple of days ago, I told hubby this, and he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. I explained to him that before the affair, when he looked at other women, I thought of it as nothing to be upset about. Some call it ‘window shopping’ and all that ‘can look but don’t touch’ stuff… which is fine. I was okay with it because my husband was window shopping, and not touching… but on March 1st 2010, he saw something he liked and instead of walking on by like he had for the previous 12+ years, he went into the shop and bought it.

If your wife had spent 12 years looking in shop windows – at beautiful, expensive clothes she would never buy for financial reasons, and she promised faithfully she’d never buy those things… then one day she did? I reckon window shopping wouldn’t be quite so much fun anymore.

So, I explained this, and he got it… but thought I was being silly all the same… and I am, of course, but it is just another effect of his betrayal. I thought, for a long, long time…. that when my husband looked at other women – on TV or in the street… that he would look, but not touch. I now know, that even if he says he’s learnt his lesson, and swears he will never do it again (and I believe him) I now know the one thing that has changed everything forever… I know he is capable.

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1 Comment

Filed under Coping, Thoughts

One response to “Day 255 – I’ve changed…

  1. PausedHealing

    Capable, is a very apt word for what you say. I too had that same trust, he could look because he would never touch. But yes, he is capable now.