My husband is still having anger issues… but not because I am accusing… just because.
Today, he got some computer stuff out to do for work tomorrow. He was irritated he had to do it at all, so I suggested doing it while we were just sat watching the TV. He thought that was a good idea, so set to it. Five minutes or so passed and he started to shout and get annoyed because there was more work to do than he’d realised. Then he got angry about the fact he couldn’t work sitting on the sofa and started to lose his temper. At this point, I tried to talk him down – he’s always saying I’m the only person who can do that. All I did was say his name a couple of times, to get his attention because he was huffing and puffing, and then I said “look at me”. My intention was to say… “take a deep breath… I’ll help you move your things to the table, you don’t have to do it all… just take a second to calm down.” – that kind of thing. His reaction, was to say “what?” in an angry voice, then when I said “look at me” he yelled “what?!” at me again and looked infuriated.
It took everything I had not to burst into tears. That may sound pathetic… but my husband is a gentle kind of man. He doesn’t talk to me that way, and when he does I am hurt by it. He looked at me like it was my fault he was struggling, and yelled like I was just making everything worse. I muttered “nothing” at him, then spent a good 10 minutes swallowing alot and trying not to cry. Around 15 minutes later, he was working at the table, and he said, without even looking my way “sorry I snapped”. It was an apology, but not a heartfelt one, and I didn’t even reply. He knew he’d upset me, and he knew his apology wasn’t good enough, but he left it at that.
We had said we’d have a nap, we’re both really busy at the moment and he was working tonight… so suddenly, out of the blue, he closed his laptop and said “come on then, I’m leaving in just under an hour”. I was in the middle of playing Freecell on my laptop, so I replied asking him to hang on a second while I wrapped it up. He said “I’ll see you up there” and went to bed. Once I had finished the game, which took maybe 30 seconds, I then had to put the dog out to use the bathroom, and wait for her, then put her in her crate. By the time I got into the bedroom, my husband was nearly asleep. I got into bed beside him but he made no move to cuddle or kiss me.
So what had I done to deserve that?
Firstly, I attempted to calm him down when he was getting himself wound up. Then I made no fuss about the fact he’d taken my head off. Then, I asked him to wait not even 1 minute while I finished what I was doing, and we always go upstairs together. Then, I was ignored in bed, by this man who says he loves me more than he ever has before.
Still trying to figure where I went wrong.
So, while he slept beside me, I sobbed. I am a sensitive person, but he knows that, and when he realised he’d snapped and it was uncalled for, all he had to do was come over to me and say sorry and give me a hug. All would have been forgiven, but no. He’s too angry for all that.
When he woke up, he cuddled me and when I didn’t cuddle him back he seemed surprised something was wrong. I decided not to make a big deal out of it. Yes, maybe tomorrow I will cave in and spit it out – I’m not good at holding things in for long… but on the other hand, it won’t do any good. He’ll say what he always says “I was just stressed” or “I was tired”. I don’t have default responses lined up for when I behave like an arse… maybe I should think about making some up. They serve him well and are used everytime he puts a foot wrong, and I am supposed to accept it as part of who he is.
Anyway… this too shall pass.
7 months. People reading may be wondering how things are by 7 months post D-day. Well, things are on the whole, much better. I don’t cry nearly as much as I did, and although I think about the affair every day, it doesn’t consume my every thought. I am not as sensitive to triggers and memories. They come and go, but I tend not to react the way I used to. Some things I brush off, some things make me feel sad, or hurt, but the feeling soon passes. Of course, there are still bad days where I question both mine, and our ability to survive the whole ordeal, but 95% of the time I know we definitely will.
I still hate her, and I still look at my husband and think “how did you do that?!” but I don’t think those two things will ever go away. That said, we are looking to move closer to her. I must be mad, I know. We currently live around 20 minutes drive from her house. If we buy the house we are looking at, it will take only 1-2 minutes to drive, and about 10 minutes to walk to her house. I guess that must mean I trust my husband 100%. I do… with her, and only her. I would be so shocked if he got involved with her again because he despises her. I am fortunate that when things between then ended, she called him awful names and lied about him, and made him see her in a totally different light. I am so grateful for that. So yeah, it doesn’t worry me too much that she lives so close. .. and her house is on the market anyway, so with any luck she’ll sell and move elsewhere anyway.
I think things are becoming more normal again. The honeymoon period is over… and some of our old ways are setting back in. I think some things have to come back, but hopefully we’ve learnt enough about ourselves and each other that we won’t let the bad habits sneak back in. We’ll hopefully continue to appreciate our marriage, our friendship and each other… and never stop making the effort to be good to one another. I do have to mention the way he made me feel today… in hindsight, that’s what it’s all about… honesty, and making each other accountable for our own actions. Yes.