Day 54 ~ Tattoos and tears

Day 54.

It’s been a rough few days – well, week… I came off my anti-depressants because of the side effects – namely lack of sexual arousal and inability to orgasm (not great when you are trying to rebuild a marriage). Since I stopped, I have realised just how much I need them. I intend to see the GP for a different kind, but until then I am struggling on and I am hoping to improve with counselling.

I went to the counsellor on wednesday and she ‘assessed’ me… she said I scored high for depression and she said a lot of the way I am feeling stems from my problems from childhood. She said the affair has brought out old insecurities, beliefs and fears that I used to have before I was married, and I completely agree with her. I am going on June 3rd for my first real session, then fortnightly from there on.

So yes, the week was tearful… and it’s not been easy. I’ve felt very scared and insecure… I can’t seem to look at him anymore without wondering how long it will be before he drops another bombshell and I lose him. 😦

My husband and I went yesterday to have tattoos – he got my name on his ankle. I was really touched that he wanted to do that, because for the past 12+ years he never would. I think he thinks it will help convince me that he is here to stay. What he doesn’t seem to realise is that I don’t doubt his sincerity or his love for me… I doubt his ability to NOT have another affair…. and having my name on his ankle doesn’t give him self control. Still, it means alot to me.

I had my first tattoo ever, it’s only been 15 years since I decided I wanted one :)… it’s a sleeping cat at the top of my back – very small and uneventful, but I like it. I am going to have my husbands name at some point in the near future.

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