Day 15 ~ Jumping to conclusions

It’s like living two different lives.

In the day, I struggle to do… anything…. and spend alot of time writing down my thoughts, reading stuff online to help me deal with the affair and just… try to exist. Some days are better than others, but everyday I find myself questioning everything, doubting everything and wondering if we’ll survive this.
In the evening I lay pretty much every second in my Husband’s arms feeling like we can conquer anything and there is no way we can fail. We are having sex most days… it’s amazing sex. Better than it’s ever, ever been… and he is loving and lovely and reassuring and pretty much perfect. He even resists the urge to kill me at 3 in the morning when a question pops into mind and I feel the need to wake him up and have an hour long discussion about it. He is amazing me with his patience… not to say he shouldn’t be patient, after all, he caused all of this… but I never had him down as someone who could tolerate this. But he does so, and seems perfectly happy to. We are lighthearted, and we laugh alot… things feel better than they have in years… if it wasn’t for the black cloud that hovers above, my life would be pure bliss.
I keep doing this cycle of feeling like I have conme to terms with it… then something silly happens, like a girl on the TV is called the same as her… and I realise it’s still painful. I threw together a CD the other night of old stuff we used to listen to when we first met – on it was ‘Invisible Touch’ by Genesis… we listened to it when we went to the beach monday night… some of the lyrics..

She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart.

I don’t really know her, I only know her name
But she crawls under your skin, you’re never quite the same, and now I know
She’s got something you just can’t trust
It’s something mysterious
And now it seems I’m falling, falling for her.

She don’t like losing, to her it’s still a game
Though she’ll mess up your life, you’ll want her just the same, now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
And now it seems I’ve fallen, fallen for her.

I spent the whole time it was on, thinking it HAD to be making him think of her… and I felt sick because of it. Skipping the track was, of course an option but I figured if he HADN’T been thinking of her, I’d look stupid. Afterwards, he said “it always reminds me of you, that song”.

Just shows, I know nothing.


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