Strong

Before I get to what I want to say… I recently had an email asking me to link to the first post of this blog as apparently is is hard to navigate to… so here it is…

Day 1 ~ D-Day

Hi there…!!! it’s been 16 months since I last updated this blog. I had ‘officially’ stopped blogging, and this post doesn’t change that, but I wanted to check in and let you guys know how we are doing :)

We passed the 5-year mark back at the beginning of April, and let me tell you… I once read affair recovery can take 2-5 years, of course.. at the time I read that, you think “yeah right, no thanks… I would never survive that!”

You do. And it does…. 5 years… well, in my case it was 4-5 years. I felt a huge corner was turned after 3 years, but the last year has felt like the affair was a lifetime ago.

HappinessWe are good. Better than good. My husband used to phone me everytime he went somewhere, arrived, left… etc etc… for the past 6 months I told him not to bother. I don’t watch the clock, I don’t question. I don’t feel the need.

Do I trust him again after 5 years… umm, yes? 95% I guess. I don’t trust other women… I don’t trust he won’t be tempted. I trust he won’t go have sex with someone random and I trust he won’t lie to me if he finds himself in a situation where he has feelings for someone else. I would say that’s pretty great.

Better still, my husband still does not expect to be trusted. He was over the moon that I said not to check in with me all the time… he accepts that he may never gain 100% trust from me again, and that’s ok.

My husband works with a couple of women in close proximity. One I am ok with, the other concerns me, but only in the way she would have before the affair. I think that’s fine too. I have always been insecure. I can live with the way I feel now because I have never in my whole life felt better about that kind of thing :)

Our friendship is stronger than ever. We have been married 17 years and we are as happy, and in love now, as we were on our wedding day. We feel the affair was the worst and the best thing that ever happened to us. And yes, I believe it happened to US. He was to blame, but he suffered too. I never have, and never will demonize my husband for having the affair. It almost broke me… suicide was a definite option for me at one point… but I survived.

I remember thinking I never would… never could. I couldn’t imagine a day where the affair wouldn’t be like a pop-up window on my ‘screen’ all the time that refused to close when I clicked the ‘x’… but now sometimes I don’t think of it for days….

I’d love to tell you it disappears from memory, but it doesn’t. I don’t think it ever will, BUT it fades and the memories lose their power and even the hurt. Much like losing a loved one… you never stop missing them but the pain eases.

I watch things on TV about affairs… I don’t cry. I sometime feel ‘off’…. but I can enjoy storylines about affairs in a way I never thought I could again.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem a long way off to some people reading this, but it is worth fighting for if your marriage is otherwise good and if the wayward spouse (cheat) is doing everything he/she should.

Check out this post – Surviving an affair ~ What the cheater must do / How to Recover ~ Checklist

Lastly… and most importantly in my opinion…

In my last update I spoke of how my mind had dealt with the affair but my body had not caught up. I was left with crippling anxiety and social phobia after the affair that made me physically ill on a regular basis. Last year in May I had my last attack… it’s been a year! I haven’t just miraculously recovered… I took bold steps to change my life. It was terrifying, but I forced myself to be brave and get out into the world ALONE. Something I haven’t done in 15 years… the affair and the aftermath showed me just how reliant I had become on my marriage and my husband and I hated it. I have forced myself to be more independent and to stand on my own two feet and during the course of those months, everything has changed. In May of last year I made an appointment with my doctor to review my medication as I was still (4 year post-affair) having panic attacks and it was affecting me almost daily. I never attended that appointment because I happened to be sick, but it was at the same time I started forcing myself into the world and taking on things I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing before. Within a few weeks I decided not to see the doctor after all and everything changed.

I know, it sounds dramatic… it actually is. I feel strong, able and fierce! I feel like a good catch again :) But most importantly I feel like if he left me now… god forbid, I would live. I would survive… and that is the best thing I could ever have wished for!! That horrific day, D-Day… I wanted to die. I was so scared to be alone, to face the world alone and to survive… and that fear taught me I needed to change something, to be a better and stronger human being… and I am! And for that, I really am grateful :-D

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Filed under Positive, Thoughts, Update

The End.

The End.

I have decided not to blog anymore. I will also be preventing people from commenting from now on. It’s the best thing for me. The affair was the most traumatic part of my life so far and almost drove me to suicide, but I am determined to find peace and happiness and most importantly, the feeling of safety again in my life. My marriage is good and strong and happy. I have much love and respect and adoration for my husband, yet visiting this blog and receiving comments, stories etc daily brings me nothing but misery. I hope my writings and ramblings continue to help those who find themselves in this hell, and that you all find the strength to fight for the relationships worth saving and the bravery and courage to know when to quit.

Thank you, always, for reading.

With much love xx

6 Comments

January 12, 2014 · 12:14 am

Day 1380 ~ Week 197 ~ 3 Years, 9 Months, 9 Days.

ImageThis is a ramble. Forgiveness required… please :)

Yes, I still feel it necessary to count the days, weeks, months and years. Twice a year a big milestone occurs that feels good. The day after the anniversary of D-Day, and New Year. We just had new year (Happy New Year, by the way)… so now there are 3 whole, complete years (2011, 2012, 2013) between us now, and them, then. In April, there will be 4 actual years between… that will feel GREAT!

Why is time so important? I guess because everyday I survive this and he stays, is more evidence in my battle with my mental health.

You see, the truth is, however happy I am / we are (and, we are) my body is not catching on, still. In 2010 on one of my many visits to my GP post-affair, she told me that although I had gotten my head around the affair and was dealing. My body was playing catch-up… and here we are, at least 3 years after that conversation and I am still having issues. Namely, panicky nights of adrenaline pumping around my veins keeping me awake, upsetting my stomach and my life!! I am on anxiety meds and I also take Kalms. I am good day to day, but if I find myself in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, or unsafe, I find once settled in my lovely bed beside my loving husband, I start with the shakes and horrible anxiety that seems to be haunting me.

I have a social phobia thing, I think coming from the fact I just don’t mix with many people in my life. When I met my husband, I worked in a bar and a music studio and was surrounded with people, but once married I moved away from all that and became quite solitary. Especially a few years later when my two best friends moved away and I ended up running my own business from home. I don’t even talk to people on the phone.

I had no problem with this, until the affair. Sure, a crowded room would put me on edge, but with no ill effects during or afterwards. Now, those times make me feel unsafe. SAFETY…. so important, and yet it seems to be the one thing the affair took from me I just cannot seem to get back. The feeling of being safe. I am angry that this is happening to me when I have worked so hard to be in a better place with this whole trauma.

Talking of being in a better place. I definitely am – consciously. I have been debating, recently, closing this blog. A niggling thought is that it keeps me rooted in the affair state of mind. I get comments to my inbox daily, stories of pain and hurt… are they really helping my recovery?!

I want this to be here if it helps people… and even though I rarely update these days, people are still viewing in their hundreds every day. It’s sad, but at least here people may find hope… I want it to be left here, but unless I stop moderating comments (which causes it’s own problems) I am not sure I can leave it up as a constant pull-back to 4 years ago when it all happened. I need to look into it.

So, aside from my anxiety issues, life is good. I recently re-read a blog post where I prayed one day I could watch the ‘movie’ of that day in my mind and not burst into tears. I do that often, now… I don’t know when I became able, but it’s been a long time. There are a few songs that trigger… a couple of places. I doubt those things will ever change, but I can avoid them, on the whole. One song in particular is a complete no-go and will send me running for the hills in humongous sobs and set me back for days… But otherwise, I rarely cry over it at all anymore and if I do it’s usually a sadness… maybe grieving, for the peace of mind and carefree days we lost when he did what he did. I miss those days. I always will I think. My husband is different now… in some ways better, in some ways more bitter. I still adore him… 16 years later. I am thankful, when I read some comments / stories, that my husband’s affair was only a month… that he did all the things I needed him to… that he helped me, listened, answered.

I get a lot of comments from people who are with a former cheater, who refuses to do those things. They write to me telling me “he won’t tell me things I need to know” or “he is still friends with her” and it makes me so sad…

My opinion, for those in that situation is simple… tell him it’s over. If there is one thing 4 years in this mess has taught me, it’s that it’s hard enough. If all the pieces are there and everything is as you need it to be, it is still bloody hard!!! Sometimes it’s still too hard!!

It’s like trying to build a wall with half the bricks missing.

So recently I found the above quote “You don’t drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there” and it got me thinking. I don’t need to still be dwelling on this stuff. I know most of the bloggers I clung to when I was in the early days of recovery have since gone, closed accounts… I am guessing for the same reason. It keeps you there, and sometimes you feel like you’re choosing to be here, forever reminded that your marriage got broken.

I realised lately, that a few new friends I made through work last year don’t know about the affair. I am pretty open about it otherwise. I posted it to facebook the day it happened, right or wrong you do funny things when your world just exploded. But now I don’t want to tell people. I want people to see us as us… 16 years married, in love, happy.

I would love to see us that way too. Maybe one day…

Lastly, it was drawn to my attention somehow a few days ago the things I did in the first couple of months after the affair and I thought I would post about it in the hope it may serve as a warning. You definitely lose the plot a bit after D-Day, even when things are back on track and you and your partner are working towards reconciliation. Maybe more so. Here are just some of the things I did… which I would have NEVER done beforehand…

Got my first tattoo (aged 33)
Got a second tattoo of hubby’s name (rather stupid timing)
Went topless on holiday
Had sex on a balcony
Sang and recorded a song for him (I can’t sing)

Yes, I am a bit boring and reserved. But in those first few months I went crazy. I have no regrets as such, but it amazes me how I was affected by this trauma. I was being bold, daring and trying to be sexy. I wanted to win him back, although he was already back :-\. I find it a little sad, actually… and of course, it stopped… your mind does calm down and start acting responsible again, eventually. :) But I wish I had been confident that who I was before all that was enough, because sometimes, I do still wonder. How are we supposed to compete with something shiny and new? I hate the thought that I am just a pair of comfy slippers.

***

Apologies for rambling thoughts. Thank you if you read to the end ;) x

12 Comments

Filed under Update

A follow up…

I feel the need to post this as a follow up to my last blog post, How?

A commenter on my previous post, advised that after 3.5 years, I ‘should’ trust… and questioned my husband for staying in a marriage where I was making him suffer endlessly for what he had done. My husband was going to respond himself today but we have been otherwise engaged so for now, I felt the need to elaborate, in order to hopefully clear some things up.

My husband obviously knows about this blog but he doesn’t read it… instead he respects my need to vent to other like-minded people and he believes if I have something I want to talk about, then I will tell him, which of course I do. :)

This weekend, I told him about my post, and the comments that followed.

I have nothing but respect for those who choose to come online and blog/comment about their experiences, regardless of wether they agree with me or not, but I think this is the first time a former wayward spouse has commented with such passion and continued to respond to others who commented after. As he/she was coming from the other side, I felt the need to discuss his/her thoughts with my husband.

Following many hours of talking over the last 3 days, there are some things I would like to clarify about my previous post.

I said “I do not trust him.”

This in itself, was the point of the post, and yet… ironically, it’s not actually true. My husband never used to work with women, I commented earlier that when he finally did, he had the affair. That made it hard to build trust in the first place and as a result of that, I have never fully trusted my husband, but let me be more specific before you (anyone) tells me I can’t have a marriage without trust.

Trust is a funny thing… I have always trusted my husband not to disregard me and my feelings. He betrayed that.

I have always trusted that my husband loved me and would never lie to me. He betrayed that.

I trusted that my husband thought of sex as a thing to enjoy between two people in love. He proved me wrong.

BUT.

I never trusted my husband would not find BETTER that me. In fact, I have lived with that worry since October of 1997. I have never felt I deserved him, and I always felt he would one day wake up and realise there was better out there.

WHEN my husband told me he had had an affair, everything collapsed. We all know how that day goes, right? But amongst the utter devastation that he had LIED, CHEATED and BETRAYED… was this little voice.

So this is how it happens… this is the day.

When I asked him “are you leaving me?” it was a scenario that had played in my head and nightmares, many, many times before. he always said yes… always, and this time was no different. I was right, all along. My husband had found better.

About a week later, he’d been ‘back’ for 5 days. He had ended it, left his job and was doing everything to fix the whole mess. We talked continually every minute of the day, every day… stopping only to sleep. No exaggeration. He told me every, last, detail, over and over and over again. He was slowly coming out of the fog and every day brought new information and more remorse. I could not have asked for more. It was at that point, I first told him I forgave him. I understood the basics of what had happened, how it came to be, why he chose to go down that path and I genuinely forgave him. I forgave him for being naive, stupid, weak, selfish, easily lead. I forgave him for the hell he put me through while the affair was going on and for hurting me so, so deeply. I have never been angry… maybe in a row I would shout more and get more riled up, and for about 6 months our arguments were horrific, BUT I was never angry with him, never made him suffer, never made his life hell.

It was me who, in the end, had to sit him down and tell him to stop hating himself… that he was a good person who made a mistake and he didn’t have to spend his whole life paying for it.

So one thing we realised this weekend while discussing this whole thing was, I am no different today that I was previous to the affair. I was always worried about his interactions with other woman, made worse by the fact he didn’t interact with other women. My husband is shy, quiet… I was his second ever girlfriend, and he was 19. You’re getting the picture?

I am back to trusting him not to betray me, lie to me, cheat on me. I would bet my life on him never, ever having an affair again. Truly.

At times, I have voiced my feelings when a new woman has come into his life… and I think there has been around 4 or 5 now. I initially panic, have a couple of bad days, ask him a million questions about her and his feelings towards her, then I forget about it and he goes about his business.

I’m not his parole officer, and he would tell you that himself. I don’t check his phone, his emails… though I can, and did for a short while after D-Day, I haven’t for probably 2-3 years.

Our marriage is solid. The biggest difference is now he knows what he has. I always knew. I always knew because I had a fair few boyfriends before him. I could make comparisons. Nobody had ever treat me like he does, I had never had so much in common with a boyfriend before, or laughed so much. Even now, after 16 years we are like school kids, we hold hands and kiss in the street.. we giggle and we hear “get a room!” often.

My husband, evidently, had spent the 12 years previous to the affair, occasionally wondering what sex would be like with someone else… wondering if what he had was really as good as he felt it was. I guess it was the big unknown for him. He never voiced it to me, and he ended up with someone else. There were, of course other things too… but this isn’t about his reasons for cheating.

He regrets never talking to me, but in one way…. how could I have convinced him of all we had? He had to do it… he had to go there…. I know this. I wish it was different. We often talk of how lucky we were to find each other so young, but in hindsight, I wish I had met him later. Once he had lived a little. His confidence has grown so much during our marriage, he is a totally different person to the person I met so long ago. I wondered myself if he was too quiet back then, but now I can’t shut him up.

Because of the affair, he found his voice and now when he is bothered about something, I get to hear about it. We learned a lot from this whole nightmare.

But, I digress.

His opinion, for anyone wondering is very different to the wayward spouse who commented on my previous post. He believes trust has to be earned and he recognises that he doesn’t get the chance to prove himself very often, so it will take longer than probably most. He doesn’t expect trust to come in a set amount of time, and he also realises that, actually, the lack of trust I do have in him, is not down to the affair at all, but down to my own low self-esteem. I drive him crazy… yes… but not unhappy. He doesn’t feel like he suffers, or that I monitor him or check up, because I DON’T. I ask a few more questions than most, and I take a particular interest in new women who come into his life, but then I always did and we’ve been together 16 years. It frustrates him that I can’t see how much he loves me, regardless of what he does… but that is MY problem, not his.

If you’re still here, thank you for reading <3

What I am trying to say, in summary is yes… I do trust him not to be a lying cheating b*stard again. I KNOW he isn’t that person.

But now I know EXACTLY how it feels to watch him walk away, I will always fear it happening… always. I don’t expect he will walk in the door and tell me he’s had an affair… but I do think one day he may sit me down and tell me he has met someone else and he is leaving. People fall in love everyday…. good, wonderful people…!

 

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Filed under Update

How?

So I’ve had a bit of a crappy afternoon.

It started the other day, when my husband went to the first night of a college course. I was concious there would be women there and I specifically asked my husband not to sit with a woman, or to be chatty with anyone of the opposite sex. This is how our life is now. Maybe others don’t get it… but I am fed up of trying to explain the situation I find myself in through no fault of my own.

So, I am jumping a little… let me go back to the college thing.

He arrived late, and the only seat available was next to a woman. He sat there, obviously, and then they were asked by the tutor to talk to the person next to them about themselves for a while and get to know each other. Upon hearing this, over the phone after the end of the lesson, I had tears running down my face. I was scared… terrified in fact.

After ‘the affair’ I read a book called ‘Not Just Friends’ it tells how ordinary, innocent friendships, sometimes turn into affairs. It tells how innocent people, good people, find themselves crossing the line with someone, who yesterday, was ‘just a friend’… there is a line… and maybe some people recognise the line and don’t cross it…. but my husband was not one of those people, and after reading this book, my belief is that the majority of people fail to notice the line they are crossing… hence how common affairs are. This book, that possibly saved my marriage, tells you that to truly protect a marriage, friendships with the opposite sex should be kept purely professional.

Thats not to say men and women CAN’T be friends, but affairs don’t start unless there is a friendship there in the first place… unless it’s just about picking up someone in a bar and having sex, but we’re not talking about that, because my husband’s affair wasn’t about that.

So, he came home and we talked a little about it. He told her he was married, told me a bit about her then he said he moved seats at the earliest opportunity and never spoke to her again. He also told me he did not find her attractive in the least and would not speak to her again in a friendly way, just if he ‘has’ to.

So, I was telling my friend this today and she was gobsmacked that this is how my life is now. She told me it wasn’t healthy to have a relationship where my husband can’t talk to women. She thought it was ‘stupid’.

Yes, it is stupid, and maybe not healthy… I agreed with her. I asked her what she thought my options were…. she had no answer. I asked her if she thought it would be better to walk away from a 16 year relationship because of this and again, no answer.  It is really crap that someone who is so close to me didn’t actually say “of course you shouldn’t walk away!”… but she didn’t know what I should do, but she suggested that I should trust him, and that he should be able to talk to other women.

SO.

I only know what I have learnt since going through the nightmare of infidelity. She thinks she knows what it’s like because her ex-boyfriend cheated a couple of times with someone, once a kiss, once she doesn’t quite know, but he says nothing happened other than some texts… I’m going off memory here, but it was basically that. She was in the relationship for a few months before he cheated with some flirting and a kiss, then maybe a year or two later he cheated again… texts and a couple of home visits. He may have said they kissed also. They my friend and him then together for a few (4-5 more?) years before splitting up.

In my opinion, that is NOTHING like what I went through. I was MARRIED. I was with him for nearly 13 years, which is wayyyy off 1-2, possibly 3 at a push… again, going from memory… and he LEFT ME AFTER SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE REPEATEDLY AND TOLD ME HE LOVED HER.

Believe me, if my experience was more like hers, this blog would not exist.

It saddens me deeply… very deeply actually, that one of my bestest and closest friends cannot see how this has affected me and thinks that my marriage is ‘unhealthy’ because I don’t trust him.

I don’t trust him.

Does that mean we don’t have a marriage?

Does that mean I should walk away?

OR, does it mean we sill have work to do and we will keep fighting because we love each other and are made for each other and EVENTUALLY, HOPEFULLY… I will trust him again?

I welcome your views.

I am angry, but I am heartbroken because the conversation ended with me saying “maybe I’m just not over this yet” and then bursting into tears.

Should I be?

Is it wrong that 3.5 years after this SHITE I am STILL hurting, suffering and SCARED? Does this mean I should have walked?!

I know the answer to this, NO… NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! Various sources, and my counsellor said 2-5 years. Thanks, I still have 18 months left. :)

Because, from where I am sitting, I have the BEST friendship with my husband, the most AMAZING relationship. We like things the same, we share interests, we get on well and we get each other. We can talk for hours even after 16 years and the only person I actually NEED in my life is him and him, me. How can that be wrong?

Please comment xxx

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Filed under Update

Cosmopolitan Australia Article, featuring me!

So a few months ago I was approached to be ‘interviewed’ for an article dealing with infidelity and how my friends and family dealt with my decision to stay in my marriage. It was actually pretty hard to answer… as thankfully, most of my support network were on my side and thought I was doing the right thing. Course, some didn’t. Anyway, the article was published. I’m Isabelle. Enjoy!

>>>>Article<<<<

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May 19, 2013 · 10:37 pm

Sometimes…

Image

It’s been over 3 years. The 3rd year anniversary came and went, and even the month of March which in the past has been fraught with triggers, nightmares and feelings of uneasiness… passed pretty painlessly.

I am grateful. I am grateful that we are still together, that he hasn’t cheated again and that we are still happy. Our marriage is approaching 15 years next month and we are both feeling blessed to have made it this far. Sometimes though, it feels more like just 3 years… like the 12 previous were some kind of lie. It angers my husband that I feel that way, because in his view, he always loved me, and we were always happy. But the way I see it… those 12 years weren’t good enough to stop him taking the path he did. How can I celebrate that?

I could write a million posts about my feelings of inadequecy… my ongoing anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if the only answer to the GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) I now suffer with, is to remove myself from the situation… to walk away.

It’s not an option, but geez when you’re smack bang in the middle of a panic attack and you feel like you’re going to die… it’s a horrible feeling wondering when this will stop. Am I asking for it because I stayed? Will I ever feel SAFE again?

I like this blog to be positive and offer hope to those in the same boat… but it wouldn’t be right for me to blog periodically about our happiness and not include the ugly stuff.

My husband once blogged about the damage his affair did. I thought he ‘got it’… but maybe he never really did. He certainly doesn’t seem to take on any responsibility when it comes to the anxiety stuff. Sometimes, I just want to scream

I’m like this because of YOU!

Of course, I don’t…. I love him. I know his affair wasn’t a personal attack. I know he did it through naivety and had he had the slightest clue he would BREAK me, he wouldn’t have done it.

Yes. I feel broken. I do… it’s not easy to say… but years ago I had a LiveJournal account, and the icons were a big thing… you would choose an icon to fit the mood of your post. I had one that quoted an Evanescence song..

Image

Except, now… I feel that I am.

That book I also witter on about… Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends… there was a part of it that said that affairs were hardest on people who already had low self esteem. I definitely always did. When the affair happened I sat and looked back over my life and the boyfriends I had before I got married. I was cheated on a lot. It might sound to you like that means something, it does to me. It makes me feel like I can’t keep hold of anything, like I am not enough…. not good enough, yes… but also just not enough at all. I don’t know how to get past that feeling, but it’s holding me back… and its spilling into my other relationships. When I meet people now, I am waiting for them to realise I’m not good enough to be their friend. Even when everything goes well, I know it’s only a matter of time.

The fact that my husband chose me doesn’t even seem to register. It’s like my brain lost that piece of evidence. I try to focus on it, but other thoughts creep in… the memory of him leaving me.. of him saying he loved her… and that it was over. I still struggle with that… sometimes.

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Filed under Update

3 Year Anniversary of it Starting ~ Day 1066

I came here today to blog/rant/vent… any followers who have been here for the past 3 years will know it’s that time again… but before I get to that, I read a fellow bloggers last few posts before I got to my own blog. I don’t do it often, I confess. I view the whole affair blogging world as a place that you need when you are really suffering… and for the most part, that’s not me anymore. (yay!).

Anyway, to the point – I read this post about Valentine’s day and within the text I read this…

a major setback, causing them to lose ground on what they felt was a forward momentum in their healing journey

This is such a good description of what I came to post about today that it just had to be quoted. The blog is – http://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/

So, to today… March 1st. The day the boundaries were crossed 3 years ago. I doesn’t feel that long. I feel accomplished in one respect… and I wholly expect to feel fantastic come April 1st when we were 3 years past D-Day…. and I can put another whole year between me and the worst day of my life.

But, this morning at 12.30am, my husband and I went to bed and I couldn’t resist a dig at him… “ooh just think, 3 years ago, RIGHT NOW, she was lying on your shoulder stroking your leg AND YOU DID NOTHING!” Yep, bad timing… also anger? Any readers of this blog will know anger hasn’t played a big part in my recovery of my husband infidelity. I just wasn’t angry. I understood… and the things I didn’t understand about the whole affair (pardon the pun) I read stuff and immersed myself in the ‘affair world’ until I did understand. For me, that was key to surviving.

So a ‘chat’ ensued… in which hubby said a few things that made my blood boil. Firstly, he said “I still hurt too” OH? REALLY? Like I care?! Oh my god, I love this man more than anything in the world, but playing the victim much?? Then “I still think about it”…. well, good for you darling, because frankly I think you thinking about it briefly now and then doesn’t come close to how this bullshit has destroyed my life!!!

And breathe…

So, after I read him the riot act about playing the victim and making the whole thing about HIM, he then proceeded to tell me he is tired of my bringing the affair up when we row about something else. We actually don’t row all that much… we have a good marriage… a peaceful, loving marriage – though you might have trouble believing that after this post lol. Anyway, I explained that I am not dragging up the past to hurt him as he assumes I am doing… in fact, my thought process is generally in the vain of… “I have gone through HELL for this person and now he is being a bastard?!?!” See? That’s all it is. And I feel the need to say it out loud… my bad probably.

Anyway. He then said “I thought you were doing ok?” which brings me back to the quote. The point is, I am doing well – great actually… but these dates rear their ugly heads and where you were running through life smiling bright and being positive, suddenly the ground disappears and you don’t realise in time to stop the momentum and you’re falling….

So another thing hubby brought up is why? Why does a date bring about these feelings that you thought you had dealt with? Why at 1am am Ilaying in bed in floods of tears when it’s been been months since I cried? Well, like it or not, it brings it back. It’s like re-living it. My husband gets frustrated at this… he asks me what I would do if the affair had been year-long… then what? Well, maybe someone can answer that in comments, but I imagine that on D-Day there were certain dates that sprung to mind… like “you were with her THEN?” birthday, christmas… etc… the sad thing is there are sooo many life events that would remind you in that situation. perhaps you went on holiday and your partner was cheating throughout… perhaps you did something alone because your spouse was ‘busy’ … you’re not going to forget those things.. right? For me… I remember the dates that started the whole thing, when they first slept together etc. I remember the day I found a bag of toothpaste and toothbrush in the back of the car under a blanket and it lead to a pretty physical row… and the night he turned me down for sex for the first time in 12 years and we argued and I spent the night in the spare room in tears. I also remember the end dates of the affair and that whole sorry mess. How can he expect me not to?

My husband has done everything I ever asked him to, to help us heal… except one thing. I asked that he read the blogs of other betrayed people. I figured it would help him to see it’s not just ME that struggles with this. It’s not just ME that’s still in recovery after 3 years and just me who is obsessed with dates and anniversaries. It’s NOT just me who is doing good, then find themselves losing ground when something unexpected hits.

You may say that the anniversaries were expected – he thought so. Yes… of course. But your subconscious can’t plan ahead for feeling something, y’know? It knows it’s coming and figures, yeah, maybe this will sting a bit… but it can’t know the full pain of it until it hits.

And so I cried myself to sleep on a sopping wet pillow. I allowed my mind to drift to images of him on her, her on him… etc etc… I let my own brain attack me with the things that still hurt… the thoughts of him and I before…and the sense of loss that is inevitable.

Maybe one day he will understand. He apologised this morning for his insensitivity. If I can ay one thing about my husband, it is that he always wants to do the right thing, to say the right words… but sometimes he is just so inexperienced, that he messes up… but he is always sorry.

I thought I had forgiven him. I said those words to him just 7 days post D-Day, because I felt I did. I still feel like most of me does forgive him. I have to, to be here? But I am realising lately there is an anger in me, a part that does not forgive him… a sleeping dragon that hates the very bones of him and what he did to us… how his desire and curiosity for sex with another smashed my heart into a trillion pieces. I do hate him for that… for the fact I am still on daily meds for panic attacks and anxiety… and how my self esteem has taken the battering of its life. I don’t like me anymore. I question my worth daily… I do things just to please him because I am terrified to lose him and yet he never asks me to. He loves me as I am, so why do I have so much trouble believing it? Because 3 years ago RIGHT NOW, my husband was in the middle of sending 84 texts over 2 days to another woman, before taking off his clothes and climbing into bed with her on the 3rd day. That’s why.

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Update on us… Day 1029 / 2 years, 9 months, 23 days out.

Lots of activity on this blog lately has prompted me to blog for the first time in over 6 months.

It makes me happy to know that the last time I felt I needed to blog about the trauma of infidelity was so long ago. At one time in my life…. the first 6 months particularly, I felt the need most days. It was my release.. my understanding friend. I would spill all the crap that was burning a hold in my heart and lovely people, sadly in the same boat, would comment to tell me I wasn’t losing my mind. I often felt like I was losing my mind.

The most common phrase I hear from visitors to this blog is something along the lines of

I don’t think I can survive another day

I have thought long and hard about how to tell you, YOU WILL. I felt like that SO many times. I am told a lot that I am a positive person and that my blog is positive… maybe those people just haven’t read enough. The truth is, I was once suicidal. I went to the doctor, sat in floods of tears and told her I went to bed every night not wanting to wake up. I meant it – don’t doubt that. I couldn’t bear the thought of taking one more breath.

It passes. Thank God.

PLEASE, if you ever think that way – first stop is the doctor. It’s nothing to be ashamed of… sometimes our bodies/heads/hearts just aren’t capable of dealing with the crap our OH has thrown our way. Don’t be too proud to take care of your mental health. You won’t survivie if that fundamental thing is being neglected. Take care of YOU.

So, an update :)

We are great… no exaggeration. I don’t say that to boast at how we survived. I say it because I know it offers hope to those who are not as far past D-Day… and to those who are still struggling. Do I still struggle? My God yes. Not daily… actually, I should say not hourly… at one time it was hourly. Then it was a daily struggle… then a few times a week – you see what I am saying? Now, honestly… the affair pops into my mind most days… but kinda the same way you recall that you need to bring the laundry in off the line. It doesn’t hurt.

Sometimes, a trigger hits – the same things as usual – songs, movies, tv… faces, places. Once upon a time those things would break me… turn me from happy to devastated… bring tears in a second. Now, then make me sigh… swallow… reflect. Sometimes, they make me grateful that we survived. Sometimes they make me angry. But they don’t hurt nearly as much as they once did. They serve as a reminder that life can throw shit at you with no notice and although in the middle of it, it’s our tendency to panic and doubt our strength… we DO survive. We do.

April 1st will be 3 years of ‘clean’ marriage for us. It’s our 15th wedding anniversary this year – June. We had always planned to get blessed / renew our vows on our 15th anniversary. That idea went out of the window for financial reasons, but also… there is still a big part of me that struggles to celebrates 15 years. I feel like we should celebrate 3 years… 3 years of US… nobody else. It’s quite sad. Maybe we will renew our vows when we are 5 or 10 years out from D-Day….

I am still grieving pre-d-day days. I would be lying if I told you that 3 years of recovery has fixed that. I grieve for my faithful husband, the carefree days… feeling safe, feeling secure… thinking I had it all. I could cry right now thinking of it. Maybe that is the biggest, most damaging thing in the long run? I love my husband, my post-d-day husband. In many ways he is a better husband, and our marriage is stronger… but I still miss the days before.

Maybe I always will :-\

My husband now works with another woman… he has done for some months. I found it hard at first… I checked her out on facebook…made friends with her on there… looked at her photos, read her statuses back for months… tried to suss her out. She was recently split from a long term partner and has a baby. I felt VERY threatened by her. Very. It has eased…. but I will never let me guard down.

My husband makes a massive effort to make sure he protects us… if he finds himself alone with her, he leaves the room. He never starts a conversation, and he doesn’t share personal stuff with her. He keeps things cool and professional. I sometimes think he is as scared as me that it happens again. I really hope so xx

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2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 72,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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I’m sorry…

I just approved 19 comments… each one a paragraph or more telling me their stories. My heart breaks, and I want to help everyone… I want to reply to everyone, but I can’t…. I just don’t have enough time :(( Please keep commenting – I think writing it down helps? and it helps me to read them… but please understand I am unable to reply to everyone. My heart goes out to you all xxxx

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Just sad.

Image

The hits on this blog have recently gone crazy. In one way it comforts me to know people are finding me and that maybe I am helping someone, somewhere… but wtf? The above graphic shows over 6000 hits in July… unique views. It might look like I am bragging… but let me assure you it’s the exact opposite… this just shows how common affairs are! How many people are hurting and having their lives destroyed by this ‘disease’?! If I could choose that the hits would diminish to nothing and that everyone in the world could just look at what they have right next to them and not make the stupid mistake of cheating, I would… in an instant. :(

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To my commenters.

This post is aimed at all the people who have commented on my blog in the last 2-3 months that I have not individually replied to.

Firstly, THANK YOU for being here, you help me every day by taking the time to reach out to me and I am grateful for every one of you :). Secondly, SORRY that I have not replied to your posts. I try to get to everyone, but sadly I have had a lot of comments lately and very little free time :(

So many comments are people who tell me their story and open their hearts to me. When I see en email pop up to tell me I have had a comment that needs to be approved, it saddens me greatly. That means yet another person has been cheated on… and that still makes my stomach hurt. A newcomer to my blog who (thankfully) has found some comfort in my ramblings…and reminds me why this was a great idea.

To those who thanked me for writing and who said I helped them – you are welcome and I wish you strength, patience and happiness in the future. It will come to us all, in one way or another.

To those who simply told their story – I am sorry you went through this. I geniunely believe there is no greater pain (maybe with the exception of losing a child) and you are amazing just for being here and trying to rebuild. Don’t ever think you are weak or stupid – some of you actually said those words. :( You’re not… you’re just in love! Nothing wrong in that… and there are many, MANY partners who cheated who simply made a mistake. I truly hope yours is one of them.

To thos who had advice for me – rest assured I heard every word. I love hearing people’s opinions and advice. Likewise I love hearing when someone has related to something I said – it makes me feel I’m not alone.

Once again, apologies for not replying to each post – I still aim to but I am running my own business now and dealing with some health issues too. Please know I read every word, and everyone who has written to me has touched me in some way. Sending lots of love to you all xxx

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Same shit, different day.

I must have posted about this before, but that would be nothing new… Recovering after an affair is all about going over the same stuff over and over until one day that particular thing stops hurting as much, or stops bothering you. That’s my opinion anyway.

So today I want to re-examine the feeling of not being good enough.

What prompted me to blog was a music video… A typical video of these days, women with few clothes on, grinding… Looking ‘sexy’. I used to watch videos like that with my husband all the time. They never bothered me before the affair, ever. I never had a body for those kinds of revealing clothes, even when I was young enough to pull it off. I was pretty big when we met, and much bigger when we got married. We would watch those things, and it wouldn’t even occur to me that he might wish  looked like that. Now? Every.damned.time. I watch and all I can think is “why is he with me?”

Worse than that, I know a couple of couples who have been through an affair… And despite completely believing that my husband loves me and regrets everything, I look at them and think… “you weren’t enough for him”. I pull myself up for this, a lot. I have talked to so, so many women through this blog, and I never think that of them… But people I know! I struggle to get past that immediate judgement… And I think it is because I don’t feel that I am enough… As a person, or physically. I find myself saying it to my husband… “am I enough?” and he says “of course you are!” but then, why did he do it?

I know it’s not about that, I KNOW, but something somewhere isnt connecting that knowledge with my thinking. Maybe it is just simply a case of having low self esteem? I had little confidence and self esteem before the affair… But my husband always made me feel amazing. With him I felt I could be me and I didn’t have to worry about not being good enough. That affair damaged that… Maybe it even broke it altogether?

So it goes on. There are so many things that I can live with these days. Things DO get better, really… And even though the affair is never far away from my mind, it doesn’t consume my every waking thought.

I have had a few comments lately. They are hard to read… I always read with tears in my eyes. They bring back the pain for me, but they also make me so incredibly sorry for anyone going through it. Especially those people who are in the first two years. You may not believe me, but the 2 year milestone changes everything… It is amazing how much better it feels to have a whole two years between you and the affair partner. Its a great achievement and the whole thing just feels so far away now.

It is our 14th wedding anniversary on wednesday… I hope to have many, many more :-)

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2 years since the first text…

So, I only blog these days when I feel the need… And it comforts me to know that since I started blogging this way, my posts have become less frequent. It is undeniable proof that things are getting better, even if sometimes they don’t feel that way.

Today, however, is an exception. I am blogging because I feel I should.

Today is 2 years since Monday March 1st 2010… The day the first text from her arrived on my husbands phone. He had great fun that day sending vile texts to her…. And 2 days later they started sleeping together. But I don’t want to talk about that… I did that last year. This year I was determined it was going to be different… And so far it is. I woke up feeling ok… It wasn’t even immediately on my mind. I actually do go through several hours of the day without thinking about the affair now. Usually when I am working. The worst part is television and the never ending references to adultery… or driving to local areas I associate with her. Then I trigger… Still… Two years later.

The recovery time after an affair, is 2-5 years.

Phew!! That means I got there… I did it! I survived to the 2 year mark. This is a great thing! It’s like I finally feel I might actually feel better sometime soon. That sounds silly… But when that is what you read everywhere it sort of brainwashes you into thinking you will not feel better till at least 2 years. So bring it on I say!

So, how are things…? I know that’s the question on your mind, as I know how I feel when I read other survivors blogs…. It’s like yeah yeah, but HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I am doing well emotionally I think… Physically, I am stuck with GAD and the fun that comes with having panic attacks, and actual physical illnesses that are all to do with the post-traumatic situation I find myself in. It is incredible how this shit can affect you. Seriously… There are nights where my stomach feels like I have food poisoning, I shake and shiver and run to the bathroom over and over and all the while my body is being pumped full to bursting with adrenaline. Anxiety and stress being the cause apparently. I take medication daily (propranolol) to try to prevent these attacks but still they come. Hell, I don’t even know why half the time… I can be feeling just fine with life then boom! An all night anxiety session hits. It’s not fun.

My husband is still the most amazing person I know. THE most amazing. I love him more than ever, and he says he loves me… More. Why do I say “he says”? I don’t know… Maybe because part of me will always doubt his words just enough to prevent me stating them as fact?

Our marriage is strong… But then I’ve read that from other survivors, and then months later they’ve posted to say they’ve discovered an affair that’s been going on for months. Yeah… I would be lying if I said that shit doesn’t worry the crap out of me. I still look right into his eyes regularly… And ask him if he’s being faithful. I guess this is life now. I should know better… I know in my heart that I would know if something was wrong… But theres that thing again…. Paranoia. Part and parcel of this beautiful journey.

Yesterday was February 29th… Leap day, the day women get to propose. So I kinda planned to pop the question… Let’s set an actual date for renewing our vows. My hubby proposed to me on my birthday approximately 5 months after d-day… Which was lovely… But we didn’t do anything about it. So… Anyway, I did it, and he said yes. He said he would marry me everyday for the rest of our lives.
Then this morning he posted on my Facebook “I promise to love you forever, every single day of forever” :) and at lunchtime, a box of chocolates. He knows me so well.

Staying was right, for me. For us. Because he did everything I asked him to do – and more. It’s not for everyone… And I think that you need to take a good hard look at your relationship before deciding to re-commit. If your cheating partner refuses to do everything it takes… If they refuse to answer the questions, when you need the answers… Even if its 3 in the morning… And if your heart isn’t in it… Then walk away… Because this journey is HARD even with everything in place for a good recovery. The road is a long one.

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The Bubble.

I was watching a TV panel talk show the other day about affairs. The headline of the newspaper that they put on screen was ‘can my husband’s affair make our marriage stronger?’

I love watching things on television about affairs these days, not story lines and dramas where they portray affairs in a ridiculous manner. But definitely talk shows and documentaries where they explore the factual, actual goings-on after an affair. On the show, one of the lady presenters stated that if her husband had an affair, that she would be unable to forgive him. She went on to say that the reason for this was because their marriage was in a kind of bubble that they have built around themselves. She said almost like a Disney movie – she considered their marriage to be particularly romantic. She said that they had built a bubble around themselves and their world and if one of them was to stray, that bubble will be burst and would never be able to be repaired.

I find the way she described this very, very interesting. I can identify with the way she talks about her marriage, because that’s exactly how I felt about mine. Me and my husband definitely had a bubble around us and felt that we had our own little world and that we were ‘above’ it all when it came to things like affairs… which is a funny way of thinking about it, but yes, like we were in a bubble floating above the world with just him and I in it.

I actually think this is right for a lot of couples… I like to think that real, true, silly, romantic love still exists in this world – it definitely does for us… however, what was not true was the way this lady described the fact the bubble, once burst, could never be repaired.

For us, repairing our marriage was the only choice and I will tell you why…

The day my husband walked in and told me he had had an affair, our bubble shattered. Suddenly fragile… until then it had felt strong, tough and unbreakable… Like toughened glass… The sort you can stand on, on top of a tower and look down at the world below, knowing you are safe because it will not break. But here it was, suddenly crashing down to earth like a paper thin glass bauble… smashing into a million tiny little shards. We were stood there on this earth… A place we hadn’t even noticed before because until then, our world was just us.. We found ourselves surrounded by people… Some of whom were not always what they seemed. Some, untrustworthy, some manipulative. For a moment, we both stood there taking in what was around us. The shock of this new development knocked us sideways. My husband suddenly realising there was a whole world outside of our marriage. He felt attracted by this world, thinking it may hold the things he felt were missing. I, on the other hand felt alone, and frightened and lost without my other half.

To say this was traumatic would be a major understatement. Picture if you will, two people who had watched this world from inside of their glass bubble for 12 years, and suddenly thrust into it, alone… and, more importantly… apart. It took a day of this new world for them both to realise that although the bubble was broken… the glass shattered… the two main components were still there… Me and him.

EVERYTHING was different. My husband did not appear to be the man I had married, nor the man I had shared my bubble with for 13 years. In lots of ways, the rose-tinted glasses had smashed along with everything else. There was no way of sugar coating what he was… A cheat.

What I thought my life was, was shattered. How I pictured my marriage… Our future… Everything. My husband was not perfect anymore. But I loved him, still… because my husband doesn’t have to be perfect for me to love him.

He got a similar shock to me. For him, the glass bubble of our marriage was broken, but so was his picture of her. It’s amazing how quick the fog can clear once the affair is no longer a secret. There is a lot of power in secrets… Power that is redirected into the affair. Once the secret is out, the power disappears. My husband felt as lost as me… Devastated at what he had done… Shocked at how he had allowed it to happen. Hindsight is a great thing…

How could I not forgive him?

So the bubble was gone. Our perfect world destroyed. We were no longer above anything… But what we did still have, was true, deep friendship and love for each other… And despite everythinmeans everyone around us… We STILL wanted to face this world, together. We STILL didn’t want anything other than what we had always had… Us.

Sure, the bubble was lovely… But it wasn’t real… If anything, it is good to live now, together, in the real world. We are now aware that our bubble was not shatterproof…. We were never safe from an affair… Those who are still suspended in a bubble above earth… In a perfect world they have created for themselves and their love…. Well, frankly… I don’t envy them. I would love to have that feeling of safety back… But it wasn’t real safety… Just perceived safety… and what does that count for?

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Good times

So it’s coming up to 2 years since my husband had his affair. Getting past this New Year was a big thing for me, because it meant that there was a whole year between now and what happened… and although the affair was actually March 2010 – like I say nearly 2 years ago, that whole year in between seems to make a massive difference… almost like a wall of concrete between me and my life now, and the horrendous time that was 2010.
I don’t know if it’s that that makes a difference, but recently I’ve been feeling that I don’t need to be sad any more. I’ve often spoke about how I’m not angry at my husband for what he did, and I’m still not angry on the whole. Just at times I feel less sad, and more angry I think.
I see that as an improvement, because ‘sad’ gets old…. Crying gets old. I have cried more ears than I ever felt possible… And to be honest, althought the sadness is fading, the tears still come – often after a song or a movie that hits just that little bit too close to home.

We had a lovely Christmas, and new year was quiet as usual, but he did happen to arrive home from work two strokes after midnight so it was lovely. I love how my husband finds those things important, like me. Everyday I am reminded how right we are together… We always have been… That makes things pretty tough sometimes, because he DID have an affair, in spite of us being perfect together.

In other news thing have been pretty normal… which makes a change… and anybody who has been through an affair will understand what I mean. Life is never normal after an affair because the affair is at the forefront of your mind all of the time. And when I say all, I mean all. Lately I’ve found that some days, possibly whole days I haven’t actually thought of the affair at all. This does surprise me, but on the other hand everywhere at you look online says the recovery time is 2 to 5 years… So perhaps hitting two years will be a massive milestone and things will only get better from here. I’m sure things will only get better from here. I want you to know if you’re new to this blog, or even if you’re an old reader who has been with me from the beginning,or close to the beginning. At times I felt there was no point in carrying on. At times I felt every day was just too much of a struggle – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “this is too hard” … But I am here to tell you that if you just fight through those days… better days will come and lots of them.

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2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 13,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Down Times

I was syncing my iPod and I realised a load of space was being taken up byvideos I didn’t even know I had… when I looked they were all taken at the start of 2010, the months preceeding the affair… and one while he was in the affair. The worst part was the one I made of myself vlogging (video blogging) at 1.40am on the 12th of march… and I say “waiting for hubby to come home” in other words… while I was sitting there right that moment… there on the screen… my husband was fucking another woman. Right then.

I was in floods of tears… but then I watched another where hubby and I were on our bed messing around with my new ipod video camera, and I said to him “tell me something you want me to know for the rest of my life” and hubby replied with “that nobody’s come close to how much you mean to me, more than what you do… and that I love you” to which I replied “love you back”… then he wrestled the camera off me and pulled me to lie down with him – I was messy and still in my nightie, so I hid under him and pulled the duvet up over my face and he laughed and asked what I was hiding for… then he kisses my head and snuggled in with me. I stroked his face, like I do… then poked my head out and said “turn it off so we can be dirty” and we both giggled like the lovebirds we were.

It is SO hard.

Firstly, watching myself on screen while I know where he is – I know it’s not now… I know it’s in the past and gone – but it’s the same with photos… I don’t have any from that particular month, of us.. or me/him… but I do from the previous week as it was his birthday week and he was off work. We did all kinds of things together, watched the sun rise on the beach at 7am, went out for a meal etc etc etc, those photos KILL me… to know how happy we were, but days later he was with her. Unbelievable.

So, watching a video of us being lovey-dovey… and hearing those words come from him only a week or so before he first met her, is heartbreaking for me.

I sometimes feel like I just cannot let this go. It won’t stop hurting.. and I can’t stop crying. I seem to be having a LOT of bad days right now, and I’m finding myself googling affair stuff again and trying, again, to make sense where there is no sense to be made.

It’s been 18 months, and sometimes it feels as hard as ever to deal with this crap.

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Day 571 ~ Struggling

I am writing this to remind myself of one very important thing.

My husband, when he was still naive… when he was ‘in love’ and when he had no idea how much his actions were going to destroy me, was still eaten up with guilt. He was visibly stressed by what he was doing, and on D-day, only 28 days after he slept with her for the first time… he couldn’t manage another minute of lying, sneaking around and cheating.

That was then.

Since then, he has seen the damage he has caused me, has realised she was a manipulative b*tch and hates himself for being ‘the cheat’.

So, the thing I need to remember when I am asking myself, ‘is he cheating?’… is… how could he be? Surely now, he would be completely consumed with guilt… and if I noticed the change in him then, I certainly would now.

That’s my logic anyway, And yes, I have been struggling with suspicions lately… so much that I have become quite depressed and weepy. I don’t think it’s necessarily that I think he is cheating, although that goes without saying… I think my self esteem is so far underground that I look at this man and I find it hard to believe he wants to be with me. The question really then, instead of ‘is he cheating?’ should be ‘how to I salvage my self esteem when my husband cheated AND chose her?’.

Answers on a postcard.

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Thinking

I’m just being bloody paranoid… if there’s something going on, when?? He leaves for work late most mornings, so no time there. He calls me before he leaves work at lunch and is often late back, so couldn’t be squeezing anything in there… same on the way home from work. The only time he is alone is in the car, so… maybe he is having an emotional affair? Maybe he receiving a call while he is in the car… but if that was the case, then if we are going to my friends at lunchtime is kinda irrelevant. Then there’s the sex rejection – if he’s not sleeping with someone else why would he not want sex?

When he was in the affair, he rejected me for sex, just one time… because he’d slept with her the previous 2 nights. *vomit*.

How can that still knock me sick 17 months later…?

He also slept with me 6 times during that time… quite alot by all accounts. Especially when you factor in the fact he slept with her 12 times. Sex 18 times in one month? Crazy shit. Saying that, we managed 24 the following month :-D

I’ve never thought about the fact we had sex 6 times that month… that is alot for us… maybe he, like her… was hornier with ‘the spouse’ because he was having an affair. *vomit*.

Anyway, I’m keeping my eyes open….

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Chewed, anxious, worried, scared…. that sums up my feelings right now.

Last night we had an early night because hubby was tired. I tried getting close to him, kissing and being more intimate than we usually are unless sex is involved. He kept pulling away, then he said “I’m not rejecting you, I’m just reeeally tired”. He said that cos he knows in the past I’ve been a bit lovey-dovey and he’s been too tired and I’ve cried myself to sleep because I’ve felt rejected. It’s only happened a couple of times since his affair, and it was more like I wanted sex and he just either didn’t read the signs, or just didn’t have the energy… so now he’s aware.

So, then I was wrestling with feelings of… did he think I wanted sex, or is he up to something again?

I would assume he thought I wanted sex, why pull away from a kiss? But I can see why he wanted to nip it in the bud if he thought I was planning on going all the way and he was tired. So, then I tried to remember when we last had sex… 17 days ago :( How can he not want sex after 17 days?! I guess maybe it was all down to being too tired. I know he’s been too tired in the past, but then I also remember during hysterical bonding we often had sex 2 or 3 times a day and he was never, ever too tired.

I woke up feeling better – less paranoid etc etc. Then I called him at work and he asked if I’d heard from my friend about going to hers at lunchtime to feed her rabbit, and I said she hadn’t texted me. That was 8.35am. At 9.45 he called me to tell me something, and asked AGAIN about my friend at lunchtime. WTF? I asked him why he was so desperate to know, and he said he just didn’t want me to forget. I wouldn’t forget, because if I have to go, she will text me… so that will remind me?

OK so the bottom line is, I am on high alert, and I’ll be honest, it’s the first time since D-day that I’ve seriously considered him being involved in an affair again. But I feel sick to my stomach and am on the verge of tears.

I can’t do it again. I can’t face the hurt and the betrayal. My faith in love took a battering the first time and the thought of him doing again overshadows every day as it is. If he has another affair, there would be no staying, no forgiving…. I know I’d want to, cos I am an idiot who is in love and I know that leaving him would be the hardest thing I’d ever had to do my whole life – scratch that, STAYING would be harder.  I’ve always thought about the fact I stayed after the affair as being the easier option in a lot of ways. My black-and-white view is that either way I would have had to deal with the pain of what he’d done… but had I left him, I would have had to deal with that plus not being with him… plus always wondering if I’d made a mistake. In actual fact, staying is harder in some ways because I feel like I am always worried now… there’s never a feeling of safety anymore.

I believe that a person can make a mistake… but not two. Mistakes should teach you a lesson, if not… you don’t deserve to be happy x

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Sometimes… Day 486

Today’s just been hard – there is no reason I can think of – no date trigger, no nothing really. I suppose last night we did go to the cinema – the same cinema we went to while he was in the affair… for the first time since. We usually go one closer, but this one is so much nicer… but to be honest I have avoided it like the plague ever since d-day. We went to see Alice in Wonderland, it was March 15th I think… and my husband was in a FOUL mood that night. We fell out before we even got sat down to watch the movie.

Anyway, we went again last night – he was aware of the trigger and was extra loving. I wasn’t upset – just a little aggravated I suppose.
Today our new cat needed to have an operation and the vet expressed concern about her weight… she was very underweight when we got her a month ago but she had blood tests and everything was fine.. and has since gained weight… but in any case I ended up worried sick and since then (despite my cat being absolutely fine) I have been all teary and crap.

Then tonight I went looking at my husband’s work email – I’ve never checked, even though that is the email he used to conduct his affair- I’ve always figured that he knows I can check, so he wouldn’t be stupid enough to actually use it.

Tonight, I logged in and when I looked, the messages went back to 2008. I knew he’d deleted all affair-related emails back in april last year… but this was the server and it occured to me there was a possiblity that the emails would still be there. My stomach churned… and the silly thing is that I was always kinda glad I’d never gotten to read them, but I found myself praying that they were there.

They are the only unknown, and what a HUGE unknown! I believe everything my husband has told me, but there’s always that doubt. He told me that she did most of the filthy talk… that she did all the running and asking to see him, and that he often said he couldn’t. Seeing thoseemails would confirm that… but could also blow the whole thing out of the water.

Part of me felt excited to read them, to see what exactly was said.

So I searched, hunted and scoured. They were gone. The only thing I did find was an email my husband had sent to his boss in the middle of the affair that read “I was talking to ‘her’ last night….” and then went on to talk about work.

It floored me – that one, nothingy email.

Thank God I didn’t find the others.

So, I’ve done a lot of crying tonight, and to be fair, that’s pretty rare these days. Don’t get me wrong – the affair is never far from my mind. They said 2-5 years to recover. I used to think that was ridiculous. It’s not.

Otherwise, I am suffering very badly with anxiety. Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) to be precise. An after-effect of the trauma of discovery day, and my husband of 12 years leaving me. The damage that an affair does is amazing – AMAZING… I am so convinced now that bad things happen, full stop. All rationality has gone out of the window.

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Post #101. Day 368.

Midnight just turned. It is now April 2nd. One year since I began this blog. I posted intitially of the previous two days… to get my readers (if there was any) up to speed on the hell that I was living. April 2nd I could finally breathe again… maybe I would not have even started this blog if my husband had not come home at 11.45pm on April 1st… a mere 15 minutes before April 2nd.

I read back today (April 1st 2011). I read my account of D-Day (March 31st 2010) and it made me cry. I couldn’t see the text for tears filling my eyes, but as one by one they broke free and rolled down my face, I had no choice but to re-live the nightmarish HELL of that day. Even now, a year on, the pain and knowledge of what my angel husband did, cuts me deep inside.

My husband blogged today. I want to share it with you.

I have been incredibly lucky to have such a forgiving wife after what I’ve done.  I know I am in a small minority here for having someone who stood by me and understood that this was a massive mistake that I had made. I don’t feel like I deserved to be forgiven; only my wife could decide that.  I know there are people who have also betrayed their partners and have not been as lucky as I have been.  I am writing this because it is a year down the line from when I was given a second chance and I cannot start to explain how extremely grateful I am my wife had faith in me and us to try and move forward. I have learned very valuable lessons from all that has happened.  NEVER take your partner for granted and NEVER underestimate the damage you are doing to your partner.

Whilst in the affair, you may think your partner will be angry with you, but you might not stop to think how utterly devastated they will be and the long lasting damage it will do to your marriage should you be lucky enough for them to forgive you for what you have done.

My wife is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yet I took her and our relationship for granted. I am disgusted in myself for letting my desires damage something that was so wonderful.

I’ve grown up a lot in the past year. You need to in order to try and move forward. You need to question yourself and your morals.  I’ve learned to spot the signs of potential situations and to nip them in the bud before they go any further.  Being open and honest about everything with your partner is a must, even if you think it may be trivial or if you think that what you tell them will hurt them, you must still tell them.  It is the only way to get trust back into your marriage, hiding anything will just make it a million times worse.

My wife is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I was so close to losing her.  I deserved to lose her for what I did, why would she stand by me after everything I put her through?  I hope she lets me spend the rest of my life trying to make things right, and to reassure her she made the right decision to forgive me.  I couldn’t live without her, she is my life support, the air that I breathe, the reason I smile, the reason I live. I HATE myself for what I’ve done and I would take it all back in a heartbeat.  I love my wife more today than ever before, I wish I could take away all the hurt and pain that this has caused.  I wish I’d had the courage to try and make my marriage work when I threw the towel in. I thought I had caused too much damage for it to ever be repairable, but it was repairable.  I wish I’d had more faith in us back then.

It’s a year down the line now and yes, it has been hard for both of us – especially my wife, to come to terms with what I’ve done. If you’re going to try and make things work, it will be hard and there will be a lot of tears, mistrust and heartache, but it’s worth going through it in order to get back to the good ‘ol days.  These things won’t be mended overnight; it might take years before your partner stops getting triggers of what you did.  Don’t be disheartened if things aren’t progressing as quickly as you might want them too. If you love your partner, you will give them all the time in the world they need.  Reassure them every day of how sorry you are and how much you love them, don’t hide anything from them, after all YOU caused this, YOU shit on them, you have no right to dictate the speed of their recovery. It will get better in time, providing you give it time to get better.

I will never cheat on my wife again.  AFFAIRS WRECK LIVES, DONT DO IT!!

He started a blog in September of last year. He had the urge to reach out to people who may be thinking of entering into an affair, and warn them that they had no idea what they were about to do. I admired him for that, but he’s not a writer, and he’s finds it difficult to get his message across. He blogged just one post, and then it was left. Today he attempted again to do what he set out to. I adore him for this. There have been times in the last year when I felt he didn’t quite grasp the enormity of his ‘mistake’. I wondered if he truly understood the importance of the things I asked of him. Now, on the anniversary of our reconciliation, he has proved to me that he ‘gets it’. I feel relief.

I had intended to leave this blog at the last entry, but after the past two days I felt compelled to share with you my feelings.

This week has been a multitude of triggers and memories that set off anxiety and panic attacks galore in me. Since monday 28th, I have lived every second of everyday, like I was back there. I tortured myself and felt at times like I was drowning in the hurt again. I felt ill with stress and pain.

This morning I got up and although my first thought was “this time last year we were waking up, hubby went to work, still unsure of who he wanted, and I sat numb with fear all day long, praying he wouldn’t choose her”… even though yes, that was what popped into my head… I got up and got into the shower, and in the shower, I started seeing things differently. I looked at every day we’ve survived since. I thought about ending every day with a red box – like those on ‘Deal or No Deal’, but instead of a number there was each days date. I thought of putting the days events, emotions and feelings into that box at the end of the day and placing it on a shelf. I pictured a large (it would have to be, right?) warehouse with metal shelves going right up high and stretching forever. I thought about how many boxes I would have to walk past before I found the one from D-Day and the day after. It was a long, long way… so many boxes, so many things have happened since… yet because it is the anniversary, I feel like I plucked those boxes back off the shelves and opened them up to feel the pain again. When I saw them in my minds eye, so far away… I could not be bothered to walk to get them. I didn’t feel there was a point.

I had a good day. Yes, I thought about it… but I did not let it consume me.

I wish I’d thought of it yesterday, the anniversary of D-Day.

So, tonight came. At 7pm, I was vaguely aware that it had been officially one year since he saw the other woman. That felt good. At the turn of midnight – not 11.45pm like it should have been – as I said, it has not consumed me… I realised we’d made it. I had been the only woman in my husband’s life for a whole year.

I feel lighter. I feel like something has loosened it’s grip. I am sure I will still trigger, but even before this the triggers didn’t hold the same power they once did. I expect to still hurt, and I expect there is still a lot of healing to do, but somehow, getting past this point is EVERYTHING to me. It is unbelievable how much difference it has made.

So, this IS the last post on this blog. Unless something massive happens I won’t be posting again. I will be doing my ‘One Year Later’ milestones page in a  few days, but otherwise, this is goodbye.  I know there is still a long way to go, but we got past the worst.. and my husband has learnt SO much. I am so lucky and I’ll be forever thankful. xx

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Approaching 1 Year.

This may be my last post. I am intending it to be, but who knows.

Today, a year ago. He’d been telling another woman he loved her for 6 days. He’d been sleeping with her for 22 days. He was pulling away from me physically and emotionally every single day and things betwen us were falling apart.  I had asked, and accused him of having an affair on several occasions. I knew him too well, and I knew something was very, very wrong. He slept with her last on the 28th. On the 29th they rehearsed together and she was ill – so ill she ended up in hospital. He was a mess worrying about her – and probably worrying because I was not letting up with the whole “what’s going on?” thing.

On 31st March it will be one year since he decided our marriage could not be saved and his best bet was to walk away and be with her. He didn’t even know if they would last, or if it was what he wanted. He knew he had strong feelings for her, and he knew – or thought, at least… that he had destroyed everything we had. I hate him for assuming that. I hate him for not fighting – for not walking in and instead of saying “I’m leaving you”, actually saying “shit, look what I did, please forgive me”. So much would have been different if he had JUST wanted to save us right from the start.

Anyway, the 21st… he came home from work and I wanted sex. He rejected me, quite cruelly… and when I cried, he said I was too demanding and we rowed. He actually had not slept with her that night, but he had the previous 2 nights. SHE was the one who was demanding. She called him every single day wanting him to go round for sex. She succeeded 12 times in 25 days. Pretty impressive.

So, after the row, I moved into the spare room to sleep, and for the first time in 12 years he left me there all night. I cried all night.

The next day, he left for work without seeing me – another first. At lunchtime, I purposely walked the dog over lunchtime so I would not be home when he came in. I was crumbling… so, so hurt. I was so confused… it was like being married to a stranger. I returned once I knew he’d gone back to work… to find roses and cookies. I was glad he’d seen it was his fault.

That night, we made mad, passionate love. I asked him to tell me I was the only one. He held my face in his hands, looked into my eyes, and said “you are the only one”.

That’s a hard lie to get over.

Now, as we approach those few anniversaries, followed by the big D-day anniversary… I realise that even now, all this time later.. some things still get me.

He wanted someone else.
He held someone elses face in his hands and kissed her. I hate that it sometimes pops into my mind when he kisses me, even now.
Someone else touched (and worse) his body, and he touched (and worse) hers.
When I was at my lowest, crumbling, desperate state, during the affair… when I was begging him to tell me what was up… he felt like I was nagging, and it pushed him closer to her.
Ultimately, fog or no fog.. not thinking straight, whatever… he LEFT me. He gave up. I wasn’t worth fighting for.

I’ve heard the line “I’ll never, ever leave you” …so, so , SO many times in the 13.5 years we’ve been together. But he did. And he thinks I should be able to believe him when he says it now. How?

So, just to finalise this blog (hopefully).

Anyone reading this who is struggling to find the answers… you will find them, but it takes time… and some answers may never come.

Marriages can, and do survive affairs… but the damage is INCREDIBLE. There are deep, nasty scars that will fade but never go away. If you love each other enough to live with those scars… and fight to rebuild what you had, and make it BETTER… then you will survive, and you will be happy again.

The last year has been THE most painful year of my entire life – and I’ve been through some horrible things. But I’ve also been THE most happy I’ve ever been. I would never choose to have this disgusting, huge black mark on our history as a couple.. but it’s there, and we’re still here. Thank God.

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Grateful

I’m talking to a friend. She confided in me that she knows her hubby of 10 years had an affair. She knew, but he denied it. She watched him and monitored him for 8 months and he flat out denied it…and she stayed.

How?

For me, personally… I had to have the admission… and he had to take the steps to fix it and he had to do everything I needed him to do, for us to reconcile. How do you move on without him saying “yes, I did it” ?

It’s the consequences that, in my opinion… teach the lesson. My husband would not, and could not.. have really understood the enormity of what he’d done, if he hadn’t owned up and watched me crumble before him.

It’s times like these I realise, that despite the affair… I am a lucky woman to have a remorseful, HONEST man who is still to this day, fighting to fix us. <3

 

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Day 352 – Day 17 of the Affair 1 year on

Things are… different.

For eleven months post D-day, we went through so much, but we stayed strong together (mostly).  Right now, he feels like a stranger at times, now… here, in the midst of the month that marks the anniversary of his affair.

I find myself looking at him for longer than I should sometimes… analysing… trying to see what it was that made him abandon me and go to her. It’s almost like he is doing it RIGHT NOW. I can’t think about sex… although we are close and affectionate as always.. it’s almost forced. I’m not doing it for him though, I’m doing it for me. I want us to be close, affectionate and loving. I love him.

I long to have the hysterical bonding phase back. I had never experienced such frenzied, passionate love-making. It was amazing, frequent, and intensely satisfying. I worry, a lot, that we have slipped back into our ‘normal’ sex life, which, while it is good, and very satisfying… isn’t a patch on the 6 months after D-day. How do I get that back? There’s a numbness there now, a lack of interest… I guess, just back to having a low sex drive. It’s crap.

I worry it will drive him away. It’s been around 3 weeks since we made love and I don’t see it happening any time soon. I HATE it, but feel completely bound by this feeling. Maybe it’s just timing.. I struggle to keep the thoughts of them having sex out of my head at the best of times… right now I’m thinking about it in everything I do – sex just seems a really bad idea right now.

If I’m worth anything… if our marriage is ‘right’ , then a month of no sex won’t make any difference. It’s all about having faith.

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Day 347 ~ Day 12 of the affair ~ 1 Year On.

By now, my husband had done the sexting, then the arranged lunchtime curiosity f*ck… then the two quick goes in between work and training, 2 days apart… and with tonight being a friday night last year, this would be their fourth time together… when she suggested a good time for them to get away with it, would be after work when the time he arrived home varied anyway – he wouldn’t be missed. She was right… I was clueless. Even when my gut said AFFAIR, I could not see how or when he could physically do it. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes..  4 times in 12 days. The next 16 days they did it another 8 times. He says the sex was nothing exciting… but to do it on average every 2 days… I don’t actually believe him.

I did – I mean, I HAVE all along… but when I’m re-living this crap a year on, and I’m thinking… if he wanted out like he said – and if it was as boring as he makes out… why would he go from 4 times in 12 days, to 8 times in 16.

OK so I’m obsessing. Will it ever stop?

Otherwise, I am coping. I am crying more than usual… but things between us are good and I am keeping myself extraordinarily busy 16 hours a day in order to stop myself thinking about it every moment. I am making sure I am exhausted before I go to bed to I fall asleep with no thinking time.. and I am up early and getting on with work. I am convinced that once the year anniversary of him ending it and recommitting to me comes around… then I will re-live those amazing few days when we pretty much stayed in bed together the whole weekend, and found each other again. Maybe the tears will be good ones at that point.

20 days to go.

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Day 337 ~ Blame

My recent anger, has made me see things a lot more balanced. Suddenly, a whole 11 months past D-Day my husband took some of the blame from the other woman – in my eyes. I have blamed and hated her all this time. I still do, don’t get me wrong… but I now see more that my husband didn’t have to sleep with her, just because she pursued him – however hard she tried. And the worst part is – although she really tried… if he had cut her dead from the first text, maybe she would have just stopped. Maybe she wouldn’t… maybe she would have stopped and then started again at a later date… maybe the affair would have developed over months and been more about love… but maybe nothing would have happened from there because she would know it was pointless trying. All he had to do was respond to her first ‘over the line’ text with “I’m married” – I don’t even care if he’d said “I’d really like to go there with you – you’re hot as hell, but I can’t because I am married”. That would have hurt bad if that had been the run of events, but in comparison to what he did do… it would have been a walk in the park.

Now, I do still hate her – I wish I could let go of that… but on the other hand, it no longer consumes me. Sure, there are days when I obssess about her, google her and get her photos up. I like the self-torture I guess… but ultimately, she just doesn’t matter. She’s a tramp who is probably still sleeping with other men for her husbands kicks. I actually feel slightly sorry for her.

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The moment

Over 48hours of texting had gone on by this time last year – oh did I mention that the other night – 11 months past D-Day, I learnt something new? Yes. Hubby had always maintained that for the first day and part of the second, he ‘humoured’ her texts, and tried to change the subject. So, during our conversation on tuesday night, I asked how exactly he did that over approximately 70 texts. How EXACTLY do you ‘not encourage’ her over that many texts – when she was saying things like “I’m thinking of your huge **** and it’s making me very ***”. What exactly is the standard response? But more importantly, how… after 70 ‘uninterested’ texts back did she not get the message? How? Well… YOU DON’T!

“I suppose I played along with her”

WHAT? I mean, sure…I knew he did eventually, but it turns out that after a few attempts at replies such as “shouldn’t you be telling your husband this?” he started to play the game. I estimate the texts started at 8.30am and by 9am the game was in full swing. It took NOTHING to talk my husband into have text sex. NOTHING AT ALL.

I think that might have been when I called him pathetic scum.

Anyway.

So, this morning, last year… was Wednesday March 3rd. The day my husband slept with another woman. That still comes as a shock to me. The day started like the previous two – except the texts had moved to email. She simply said “are you coming round at lunchtime then?” and apparently he knew that meant they were going to have sex. He was going to prove just how big he was, and see just how much of what she had promised, was going to happen. He didn’t hesitate to agree. He admits that. He said he was turned on… intrigued. He didn’t think about me. In fact, he though it would be harmless fun. He says the way her marriage was… i.e. open… and the way she talked, had convinced him that sex was sex, and love was love… and just because he was going to have sex with her, didn’t mean anything, and it would be harmless. My husband saying “it was supposed to be a one-off bit of fun” will ALWAYS shock me. That is SO not him.

So today, in approximately 90 minutes. He called me to say he was too busy at work to come home for lunch. He then got into his car and drove 10 minutes to her house. He went inside, said hello to her husband, followed her upstairs, and f*cked her.

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Stupid effing month.

Why did it have to be the whole of March? The whole of one month? Geez, that means one twelfth of my life will always be tarred with this crap… and that’s without the ‘overcast’ feeling of the other 11 months of the year.

I cried a lot yesterday. I couldn’t help but be back there, on that day – March 1st. I was having my wisdom tooth out that day… I was scared. My husband, between his 50-60 texts to her that day, rang me to tell me he loved me and was thinking of me. Yesterday morning he wrote on my facebook “I’m thinking of you today, Just like every other day xxx” It reminded me of his call to me as I went to the dentist. It also made me think he was being a patronising shithead. I described it like someone running someone over, and then taking them a ‘Get Well Soon’ card in hospital. Of course, it wasn’t meant like that. My husband doesn’t have a wicked bone in his body.

So, I was solemn when he came in from work. We went to the beach with the dog, then he dropped me at my Mums because he was going to fix someone’s computer and I knew I would sit at home and cry if I was left alone.

He got me at about 9pm, we came home, ate… then he fell asleep.. as per usual. He works two jobs and he works hard. I have learnt to stop complaning about how much he sleeps. That’s me working at our marriage. He woke at about 11pm, and then the talking started. I was angry. Where did that come from? I’ve never been angry. Not for more than a passing moment or thought. I called him pathetic, scum, weak and a ‘typical bloke’. I told him he didn’t give a crap about me, or the effort I’d put into our marriage for 12 years prior to the affair. I, once again, forced him to accept that this affair did not start from something that developed. It started because he was thinking with his penis, and the opportunity was there. I forced him to admit that he plain and simply just wanted to f*ck her. He wouldn’t say it. It disgusts him that he was ever that person. But he was… and in my mind, pretending he wasn’t isn’t dealing with it.

He said it eventually, it stung and his eyes briefly filled with tears. He doesn’t want to be a ‘typical bloke’. He doesn’t want to destroy his life because he thinks with his penis. He wants to be a good husband and spend his life with me.

We got onto the ‘what did you see in her?” question. She’s not like me. She has dyed black hair, is thinner – much thinner than me. She has small breasts, she’s got blue eyes. She loud, brash and vulgar. She’s ‘common’. I am just a natural brown, hazel eyes.. and ‘fat’. My husband likes my fat – he’s always said that. So, why her? I thought she was unattractive even before the affair – that was my comfort blanket. It failed me.

He struggled… but then said “I know you think she was ugly, but she reminded me of you… in her mannerisms and you two had alot in common”. I knew what he meant. I’ve seen a lot of photos of her. Back in september, my husband took a photo of me from the side. It’s not something you see often… and there she was… in me. We have the same profile. Her teeth and the shape of her mouth – like mine. She’s confident and outspoken… as am I. Last night he told me the only real difference was her vulgarity. I questioned him liking that – I’m not that way. I was brought up properly. I was taught it’s not polite to go into company and tell people you’re horny. That it may be offensive to ask a man you just met, how big his penis is.

My husband liked that? I guess so. He said he did anyway. Where does that leave me?  I’ve chosen to liken it to porn. Just because it’s arousing, it doesn’t mean you want it in everyday life. Well, I hope not.

It was an angry conversation, but there was still tears. He said once again that it has been the worst experience of his life. He never wants to go through this again… and that although, at the time, it was exciting and he was flattered… and indeed he felt something for her that he thought was love. The fallout was such a horrendous shock to him, he will never put himself there again.

I told him I came close to suicide last year. Even with him by my side… even with him doing everything I could wish for and more… even with her gone from our lives and our marriage being better than ever… I still had moments where the pain was too much to bear. I am SO thankful I can cope now. I do cope now. It’s not always simple. Sometimes I want to crawl under the duvet and sob till I run out of tears. Sometimes I want to scream at him and demand he tells me why he did this to me. But mostly, the affair is just there. Kinda like having a bruise on your arm. You notice it. You forget now and then, but then you notice it again.

I hope the bruise fades over time.

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March 1st.

So it’s here. In 9 minutes from this second, the first text arrived at my husband phone 1 year ago. She said she was tired – obviously she hadn’t found it comfortable lying on my husband’s shoulder the previous night in the van for an hour and a half. She had slept though… so much so, that when she stroked his leg… my stupid, naive husband thought she was ‘just asleep’. She wasn’t only tired… she was horny too. There’s only one reason why a woman texts a man to tell him she is horny… but again, my stupid, naive husband didn’t twig that either.

Go figure.

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Hubby’s Birthday

It was nice.. it was triggery, but nice. I asked him if she had sent him a Happy Birthday text last year. 1 week later he slept with her, but no..she didn’t. He said she didn’t know it was his birthday. I guess that shows just how close they were huh?

He said “when we talked about our birthdays she was surprised mine was only a week or two before”

I hate when he uses the word ‘we’ when talking about him and her. The only ‘we’ should be him and I. We got married, that was when ‘I’ became ‘we’… maybe they should write that into the marriage vows.

The night before his birthday, we were in bed talking… can’t really remember what about or why it came to be, but all I was getting from him was “I wouldn’t have slept with her if we hadn’t been so close” and “it happened gradually”.

I lost it – just a little. I get what he is saying – affairs DO happen gradually… except, my husband’s did not. He worked with her a whole 9 times before it started. That’s not f*cking gradual… that’s not being friends and getting close over time… it’s not finding that there is an attraction and fighting it before finally succumbing.

I yelled at him. I feel like he excuses himself quite a lot by using the cliches about affairs. The sad thing is, it’s himself he is lying to. He does it because he finds it hard to live with what he did. He feels better by thinking that he just ‘fell into’ the affair. When I remind him he fancied her from the first time he saw her and did nothing to protect himself or our marriage – that he slept with her out of lust and lack of self control, and not love, he SQUIRMS. He hates it… he knows it’s true and he can’t bear it.

So yeah, when the lines start again about how “you can’t help who you fall for” I get angry… because my husband was sleeping with her long before he started having feelings or ‘falling for’ her. Things are so good, generally, but my god, I would just LOVE the bullshit to stop. If I can handle the cold, hard truth… why can’t he?

We are presently 1 week from the first time he slept with her, a year ago. And only 4 days from the first physical contact they had. I expected to be hurt and to cry a lot – I’m a sensitive, emotional person…. but I’m finding I’m angry… and annoyed, and just ANGRY!! that I am having to re-live this crap after 11 months… and sometimes, yes… now and then… it feels like I just don’t deserve this and I shouldn’t be here.

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day was a trigger… obviously. Not because he was with her last year (the affair was 2 weeks away) – but because a few months ago I found the Valentine’s card from last year.

He spent last Valentines Day in her company – as friends. He was working that day. He had no feelings for her at that point, and although he says that yes, he fancied her… he had never considered taking it anywhere. That said, I’m sure the friendship had probably crossed the line a little regarding the things they were starting to share with each other, and he was probably enjoying her company a bit too much.

Despite that, the trigger for me was this years Valentine’s Day card. The card itself said;

“Happy Valentine’s Day to my wonderful wife. With all my love on Valentine’s Day and always”.  Then he had written;

“Happy Valentine’s Day my darling. I love you more today than ever before. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be the best husband anyone could ever want. This is no less than you deserve. Have a wonderful day my love, my life, my present and my future. All my love forever, and ever xxx”

It’s pretty much a carbon copy – more or less, of what he wrote last year. Two weeks after the wrote those words to me, he sat in the back of a van with another woman laying on his shoulder sleeping. When she started to stroke his leg, he did nothing.

The next morning when she text him at work around 40 times telling him how she wanted his c**k in her (amongst other things). He did nothing.

Two days later, the man who wrote those words to me only 16 days earlier finally did something. He went to bed with another woman.

So yes. Valentine’s Day is a trigger.

Next week it is my husband’s birthday. Last year he took the whole week off work and I declared it ‘his’ week. His birthday was the tuesday and on that day we got up at 6am and drove to the coast to watch the sun rise over the ocean. It was romantic. I took a picture of his smiling face on the beach with the glow of the sun on it. We went to the cinema that week, and cuddled in the back row – as we always did. We went to the theatre and for dinner afterwards. He said I looked lovely and took a photo of me across the table. We went home and we took a photo of us together, being in love and happy… him with his arm around me stroking my hair. Both smiling. That was thursday 25th Feb. We had a lovely, close, romantic week. When the weekend came – the last weekend in February, he worked all 3 nights. It was the 3rd night – the sunday – the end of ‘his’ week… and our lovely week together, that she layed on his shoulder and stroked his leg and it all started.

There’s never a good time to start an affair. But there are times when it makes more sense. Perhaps when a couple have drifted apart… or when one or the other is so absorbed in something else that the cheater-to-be feels neglected, unwanted, or un-needed. Maybe when things are tough, or there are lots of arguments.

The photo taken that day, was kinda like this one:

It wasn’t an uncomfortable moment at a family event when someone shoves a camera in your face and says “smile!”. It was just us, in our home, loving each other. We had sex 4 times that week.

How does a week like that, end in him starting an affair? I’ll never understand.

He says:

“I got to know her and we got close”

“I fancied her”

“She always listened to me”

I get how that happens – it’s typical pre-affair stuff. Especially when the wife at home has stopped listening so much because the husband think he is boring her and has stopped talking.

“She made it sounds like nobody would get hurt”

“She made me curious about sex with someone else”

It took nothing for her to talk him into bed. He was so easily lead it is laughable. She turned him on and then convinced him that a one-off bit of fun would hurt nobody. He believed her. He believed he could do that and come home to me and there would be no damage.

“My feelings for her made me doubt our relationship”

As the one-off sex became a regular thing, he got closer to her and started to think he was falling for her. It was this part that made him doubt his feelings for me. How could he want or love someone else if I was the right person? This part took some getting over…. even when he came back to me, 8 days later he nearly left again when his doubts snuck back in. Thankfully with the help of the internet, survivinginfidelity.com and lots of talking, he finally understood that it was not only possible to be attracted to another person whilst happily married, but it is normal.

Still… normal or not… the fact that the two weeks leading up to the affair, starting from Valentine’s day and going through his birthday week, was so lovely… and here we are again, being lovely. It’s not easy. It feels like no matter how good things are – or seem to be… if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.  I’m not saying I think it will. I’m saying that once an affair is on the cards, it would take a lot to stop it in it’s tracks. To be honest, I think it would take an affair happening previously to understand the warning signs and know what’s happening in time to prevent it.

It’s a shame that seems to be the case, but on the other hand, we’re lucky (?) enough to be in that position. Maybe things will be ok now.

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A decision..

Following a recent post by a fellow blogger, I got to thinking about the purpose of this blog, and began questioning how long I will continue it – and if, ultimately… it’s doing me any good?

I began for two reasons – 1, to put into words the hell I was going through and to try to make sense of everything in a way that could be looked back on as and when I needed to. And 2, because I was convinced we would survive, I wanted there to be something for other people to find in those days following discovery. I wanted to show people how you survive, how amazing a wayward partner could be after his/her affair, how s/he should behave to ‘fix’ things… and so they could see the things ‘required’ to make it work – and I suppose to help them make the decision to move on, if their wayward partner doesn’t doing the things they should.

I don’t know if it’s done #2… but when it comes to #1, although it has helped me to write down my thoughts – especially the making sense part… I rarely, if ever, look back on my posts. Maybe in writing them it has helped my brain absorb it all – maybe it hasn’t.

In any case, I do feel that I am keeping the affair in the forefront of my mind by writing this blog. That said – it IS in my mind constantly anyway and I feel that as the anniversaries approach, there will be no escaping it… BUT once the year is over… I feel like I may be ready to stop writing… and maybe even try to put it completely behind me.

I have no intention to delete it – maybe once I do stop writing I will look back on my posts… I have gone through every emotion possible throughout this year, and at times have written notes to myself as ‘never forget’ things – that either made me feel better, or better prepared me for the future. I don’t want to lose any of that… plus, just in case this blog has helped people, it will be left for any new discoverers to find in the future – as a story with a (hopefully) happy ending.

 

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All about him.

I love him, God knows I do… but sometimes, SOMETIMES he can be so, SO selfish it astounds me.

The first truly selfish thing my husband ever did, was after twelve and a half years of marriage – the affair. Afterwards he told me I had been selfish for years, being a talker and not a listener. Now, I partly agreed with him – but I also believe that we became that way because I talked, he listened, and he rarely wanted to talk, so I got out of the habit of listening. As time passed he wanted to more and more but I wasn’t in the habit of letting him get a word in edgeways. So… it all contributed to what happened.

Since the affair, I have made a huge effort to be a listener. To be interested even when it’s a struggle.. and to be less selfish. Within a few weeks it became second nature to stop whatever I was doing anytime he wanted to talk… and listen – really listen. It’s worked out well, and the relationship has felt more even.

Well… when I say even… actually, it has kinda swung a little too much in his direction. Oh… he talks alright – and I listen… but when I want to talk… he doesn’t listen nearly as much as he used to.

Tonight I was angry about the way one of my friends had behaved – well, not angry – more upset… a little hurt I guess. I rang him to say “can I just rant at you for a sec?” and he talked over me, telling me that he was doing a quiz, and could I look up the answers on the internet?. I said again “I rang to talk to you about something” but he wasn’t listening enough to know I needed to talk. It saddens me, and frustrates me… and upsets me.

In other news, the 10 month anniversary of D-Day came and went without much happening. Hubby and I are getting along really well and things are quite positive and happy. Well, that is if you don’t count the anniversary of the affair looming in 3 weeks time. March… it was allll in March. March 1st – pretty much midnight that day – so the second IT TURNED MARCH, right up until April 1st. I just want it to come, and go, and for me to sit here a year on.

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A Reminder from Mother Nature (via The Secret Life of Jane)

I needed this… maybe you do too?

A Reminder from Mother Nature For the past few days, we've been getting hammered with winter weather. First, there was the snow- big fat flakes that fell and fell and fell. It felt like it was never going to let up. And then the wind came and stirred up the snow and made a HUGE mess. After that, the ice pummeled us, reeking havoc on our streets. This storm was relentless. Yesterday, the entire city was shut down. And now today, after we've all dug ourselves out, the sun is sh … Read More

via The Secret Life of Jane

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Day 306 ~ What did she want with him?

I often ponder this question… what did she want with him?

(This is one long rambling post... only read if bored...)

The facts, that I know of:

  • Her husband knew about her sleeping with my husband, from the get-go, but she said she’d never done it before.
  • She also said she’d slept with 4 people in her life, and she met her husband at the age of 14.
  • People since have talked about ‘their lifestyle’ as if  sex with another man is an ongoing thing.
  • Her husband was not only in the house, but upstairs in the other bedroom, while she slept with my husband.
  • After having sex with my husband, she said she had mind-blowing sex with her husband.
  • She told her husband the details of sex with my husband.
  • She was unhappy in her marriage.
  • She told my husband she loved him.
  • She told my husband she wanted to be with him, properly.
  • She never said she didn’t love her husband.
  • She never asked my husband to leave me, nor say she was going to leave her husband.
  • She talked A LOT about ‘when we’re together….’
  • She told my husband that her husband had guessed that she had ‘fallen’ for my husband (I actually don’t believe this, I think it was her way of telling my husband she had fallen for him)
  • When my husband told her he was telling me everything, she told her husband she loved my husband, and that she was leaving him.
  • She HOUNDED my husband to find somewhere for them to go / stay.
  • She filled her car full of her stuff.
  • She came out of her house on D-day to meet my husband, with her husband’s knowledge, and again the next day.
  • 34 hours after it all came out, when asked by my husband ‘is this going anywhere?’ she said ‘I don’t think so’… but then rang him back minutes later to check it was what he wanted.

So.

It’s obvious that it started as no-strings sex. They got on well… ‘clicked’ I suppose. Once the affair started, she told him she fancied him the second she saw him. I think that her husband may have pushed her to sleep with him, and I know he wasn’t the first from what I’ve heard since. I do wonder about their marriage. Even before the affair, my husband said that her husband was besotted with her. At first, when they all met, my husband and her husband really hit it off… but then my husband took a disliking to hers, and very quickly couldn’t stand him one bit. He felt sorry for her being married to such an ‘arsehole’. There was a lot of feeling sorry for

Anyway, I’m not debating his motives, I am debating HERS.

So, very quickly she went from being a friend to my husband – listening to his problems – listening about me… to sleeping with him, and then suddenly she didn’t want to know anything about me at all. She once asked if he carried my picture in his wallet, and if so, to make sure she never saw it. Was that because she WAS falling for him?

I, obviously, can TOTALLY understand any woman falling for my husband, after all, I did… and quick too. We married after only 6 months. So, yeah.. maybe she did start to have feelings for him.

He believes (now) that he was a meal ticket. He thinks it was that she wanted out of the marriage and would use any means necessary.. and maybe she thought my husband had money, because he works two jobs and could look after her.

This saddens me.

If she did sleep with him just for sex and then fell for him, then I can partly forgive her for trying to take my man. I can’t and never will forgive her for playing around with a married man – I don’t care what arrangement she has with HER husband… MY husband had no such arrangement with me! But if she just simply fell in love… I can forgive her that. If it had began because they fell in love, then maybe I could forgive her altogether… but no matter how the whole thing is looked at, it just did not happen that way.

I believe she loved him – or at least thought she did – because she did tell her husband and she did plan on leaving (she packed everything she owned into her car).

That said, the day after D-Day, she met my husband after work for coffee at McDonalds and told him that she and her husband were going to the cinema that night. She said she was ‘keeping him sweet’ because she’d been unable to find anywhere to move out to, and my husband was being less than helpful. The same night, while he was with me in our home, she text him saying “have you found anywhere yet?”

If she thought he was loaded, then she would expect a hotel room, no? After all, he walked out on me the previous day. Maybe it was that act alone that made her realise it wasn’t going to happen. My husband DID tell me everything, and he DID tell me he was leaving me for her… but he did NOT go to her that day until he’d spent hours on his own and THEN came back to talk to me. He spent 30 minutes with her in her car, where they discussed what had happened that day, and how the whole thing had gotten out of hand. He then told her he had nowhere they could run to, and sent her home. They did not run off together, or go to a hotel. He left her and came back home to me. That had to have told her something?

My theory is, she saw what was right in front of her – he wasn’t leaving me. Despite the words coming out of his mouth, to both of us… he physically did not leave me, and did not go to her. He left her with her husband. I, personally think that is why she let him go.

There is a part of me that thinks, if that theory is true… I wish she understood why he didn’t go. I wish she understood it wasn’t because of her, but because of us. She underestimated what we had, and my husband didn’t try hard enough to make her understand it all. Every time she talked about being together, he thought to himself “I’ll never leave my wife” but he didn’t tell her – and it wasn’t because he was a bastard, it was because he was weak and he didn’t want to hurt her. He wanted to give her everything she wanted. He wanted to ‘save’ her from an unhappy marriage, and he didn’t want to let her down.

The 34 hours between him telling me he was leaving me for another woman, and him telling her that the affair was over, all he did was wrestle with the fact that he’d realised he couldn’t leave me, but neither could he face letting her down. I am certain part of it was that he couldn’t face losing her (I’m not deluded) although he can’t remember feeling that way… but ultimately, he didn’t have the BALLS to walk away from her, and he couldn’t see how it was possible when they worked together so closely. He didn’t set out to hurt her… if anything, she set herself up to be hurt by playing the ‘no-strings sex’ card, then bring the L word into the picture. What did she expect to happen?

I am working on not hating her so much. It consumes me and I don’t like it. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought of her voice, her face, her EVERYTHING, and it hurts so, so bad. If I could only speak to her… ask her her side, understand. Maybe I could move on from it.

 

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Gratitude

Since I met my husband 13 years and 3 months ago, we have always said we had the best relationship of anyone we knew. Admittedly it wasn’t as perfect as we thought, because here we are… but the only person who came close to having what we had, in all those years, was a friend of mine. We’ll call her Louise. She and I are distant friends – we met online… we would chat occasionally. Louise and her husband met at school. They were spouses – but more importantly, best friends… for 12 years since she was 18.

They, like us have been trying to conceive for the majority of those 12 years… but as best friends they got through it – like us.

In July of last year, when I was still reeling and feeling unbelievably hurt and shocked about my husbands affair, Louise’s husband told her he no longer loved her and asked her to move out of their home.

Everyone assumed he was having some sort of midlife crisis, or breakdown. Me? I personally thought he was having an affair – naturally…. I urged her to check up on him, but she wouldn’t allow herself to go there. I get that. For weeks, both families assumed it was a blip, because they were so good together. After about 2 months, she finally moved out. She had spent all that time trying to figure out what he was thinking, and trying to save her marriage. She lost a load of weight and ended up at just over 100lbs. I have never seen anyone so unhappy. Yet he didn’t appear to care. I was convinced there was more to it – that nobody just falls out of love like that.

I haven’t spoken to her in some time. Tonight, she updated her facebook so I dropped her an email. They are getting divorced. She is back living with him because at some point, she got some strength from somewhere and decided she had as much right as he did to be living there. He is being horrible to her on a daily basis, and it’s her leading the divorce proceedings. She is buying him out of the house and she wants him out.  She stopped fighting – she had to. She still does not, and can not understand what the hell happened to him, and to them…. but she has to accept her marriage is over, and that she’s lost her best friend.

She’s not doing so well. :(

I read her email tonight and felt tears running down my cheeks. I can’t imagine losing my best friend – my husband. I don’t care what he did, how naive he was, how STUPID…. he is still my best friend, and the only person I ever want to be with.

I am truly thankful I still have him, even with the infidelity haunting us. It could be worse.

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Crying

Today is day 298.

Last night I dreamt we were shopping and there was a famous tennis player in the town and she was beautiful, and sexy… and my husband liked her. He said “she’s fit” and I took it all in my stride, laughing it off.

Then we were in our spare bedroom, and he was sitting in the baby crib (I was dreaming lol) and he said “I’m not in love with you” and I asked him what he meant and he said “I really liked that tennis player… but I mean,REALLY liked” and then said he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

The next thing I knew I could hear my husband’s voice saying “babe, babe, it’s ok” and I woke to find I was crying and struggling to catch my breath in my sleep… my husband was rubbing my arm trying to wake me up. Once I was conscious I sobbed my heart out as he held me. He kept saying “I’m not doing anything, I love you” … but all I could think of was, how long before he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore?

More to the point, how long before I feel confident in his love again? Because I know it’s me and my issue… he does everything physically possible (and more) to make me feel loved. But his affair stops a lot of it being absorbed.

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Hyper sensitivity

I know why he did it. I know it wasn’t me… I know he loves me and she means nothing to him (now)… so why can’t I shake the feelings of inadequacy.. of not being good enough? Today, we were on the phone and he kept asking me to repeat myself, and in the end I said “do you ask everyone to repeat themselves, or just me?” and he said “just you, because you mumble, and talk too fast”. Oh… so after 13 years I talk too fast?? I cried – how pathetic… but I felt attacked… and insecure… like he was picking fault where he didn’t before.

I feel like it’s a constant niggle with me. If he ever says anything at all negative, I think “I’ll never be good enough”.  For some reason, regardless of the fact I know and understand how this whole thing came about… I can’t shake that memory of him sitting in front of me telling me he was leaving me. For her.

He says now he can’t even remember how he felt that way because he did, and always had loved me. He said even in the affair it was confusing to him because of how much he loved me and how happy we were. But, he thought he was in love with her. He certainly meant it when he told her he loved her… he wasn’t lying. But only days after D-Day, he didn’t recognise the person he was during the affair. He would looked stumped when I asked him why he was intending to leave me for her. He honestly couldn’t figure it out.

I did a lot of reading back then, I read a lot about ‘the fog’ and only then could I fully understand. I don’t believe he didn’t love her – I believe he loved her at the time. Unfortunately (for her) the ‘at the time‘ was a period of foggy thinking. Of not thinking straight – of not thinking with any consideration of the consequences – of being caught up in the moment. When people talk about how married cheaters never leave the mistress… I think it comes down to 2 things.

  1. Sometimes, the (wo)man is just a shit. Sometimes (s)he plays the game in order to have his/her ‘fun’ and knows full well (s)he’ll never leave his/her spouse. (S)he lies more to the affair partner, than to his wife.
  2. More often (I think), being in the affair take the cheaters focus away from the marriage and a fantasy world is created where the affair takes place. Consequences don’t exist, and as far as they are concerned, the marriage and the affair are separate things, and never the 2 shall meet – or hurt one another. It’s like the affair is in a glass bubble… and when D-Day arrives, the glass breaks and everything is left shattered. The affair has lost it’s shiny exterior, and all the cheater can see is the devastation and the face of the spouse. Reality hits.

It is shocking to me to know how little he feels for her now. When the woman in her town died on Christmas day, he said if it was her, he “would be as sad if it was anyone else he knew for that length of time”. It wouldn’t make a difference to him that they slept together, talked about personal things and loved each other. He said he can’t remember loving her. He is overwhelmed with what he knows of her now, and that has taken over his thoughts of her. It actually quite saddens me that after all the pain, he doesn’t care about her at all.

D-day was March 31st. The affair ended a little before midnight on April 1st. We talked till 5 in the morning that night. When we got up the next morning, he walked into the room was in, leaned against the door frame, and with a solemn look on his face, said “I miss her”.

How did I cope with hearing that?? I take it for granted now that he doesn’t care if he never sees her again, but at that moment, he missed her. My husband… standing in front of me.. telling me he missed the other woman. I’m obviously stronger than I give myself credit for.

Sometimes, thinking back to that moment gives me reassurance. He may have no feelings for her now… but he did then, when he had ended it and re-committed to me. I am grateful for that. He chose me. He chose me. He chose me. He chose me.

I need to remember that, when my brain is yelling at me

“BUT HE CHOSE HER!”

Because he didn’t… what he did, was briefly make a bad decision that he regretted within minutes but didn’t know how to get out of.

Must remember that.

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Day 291 – Sex… people pleasing… minor trickle truths.

So around a week after D-Day I chucked all of hubby’s underwear. When he came home from work that day he looked at me, perplexed. I explained to him that I couldn’t cope knowing she’d touched them – or taken them off him. He said she hadn’t. He said that he always removed his clothes before getting into bed with her. I felt quite happy about this… then a few weeks later, he mentioned she would put her hands down his trousers at work… so obviously, she had touched his underwear afterall – he’d just not thought about that at the time.

I was well aware that she had touched his clothes – they were affectionate towards the end of the affair… hugging etc while nobody was around (at work) but I could hardly throw his entire wardrobe away – though I would have if I could’ve.

Today, we had a ‘quickie’… he was due to leave for work at 4.30 and it was 25 past… so he undid his jeans and went at it. yeah, I know… the romance of it all. LOL. Anyways, afterwards I commented on how she must have felt a lot like I did after – just a quick shag and then he’d leave (not my idea of fun…). Then I said “I suppose at least you were undressed and in bed with her though” and he said “not always”. I presumed he meant not always in bed – which threw me because he’d said they were always in bed – but as it turned out, that was true… the bit that wasn’t was the getting undressed. He said at times he just undid his jeans and got down to it. I felt sick. Especially given the fact we’d just done exactly that. I was angry, and told him he had no right to not tell me something like that until 9.5 months past D-Day.

I’ve asked him so, so many times to tell me everything. I know this isn’t a huge deal… but the problem is, he doesn’t think of things, or he doesn’t remember them until I probe.

I asked how come he sometimes did it with his clothes on – a stupid question if he’d been in a passionate love affair… or even passionate lust affair… but he’s always maintained that they would go into the bedroom, take off their clothes, get on the bed etc etc. They didn’t do the kiss, turning to passion, and clothes coming off thing. I find that odd… but I believe him. He said, it was because at times he was short on time and he’d say he didn’t have time to go back to her house after work, and she’d say “you don’t even have to take off your clothes” – ooooh, little miss practical… what a problem solver she was! He then said sometimes he would still take off his Tee… and I asked why bother? He said “she would tell me to”.

Sometimes, I really wonder… if she had told him to leave me and run away with her, would he? Would he EVER have said no?

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1 Year

I wish it was 1 year since D-Day…. how I pray for that day to come and go… but anyways, no… today is 1 year since he saw his affair partner for the first time. The night he went to the club to see the band play to see if he wanted to join.

When he saw her, he thought “I would sleep with her”. That wasn’t quite the terminology my husband used in his head, but you get idea.

My husband, for 12 years and 3 months had told me that he had never seen anyone he wanted to sleep with. Never seen anyone he ‘fancied’. He used to tell me he found women attractive, but he never wanted to be with them.

After D-Day, he told me that her – his affair partner, was not the first. He said there was a girl at a club one night. He fancied her, and she fancied him. He said they talked, and he thought she was a nice girl… and attractive. He thought, had he not been married, that he would have pursued her. Luckily she didn’t push, and nothing happened. He didn’t even ask her name. It was nothing, really.

After his affair, I seriously doubted my husband’s ability to resist someone’s advances – at least, that was the way he was. He knows better now, and knows the damage it can do by even being polite to women who are making a play for him.

That was the problem… see, after he saw her and fancied her, he was naive enough to think nothing would ever, ever happen. As far as he was concerned he was happy, and in love with me. He had absolutely no intentions of cheating, and I believe that 100%.

The woman, on the other hand… she had her intentions mapped out from the start. She even told him that the night she first saw him, she checked out his ring finger. I can only assume she was looking to see how easy it would be to get him into bed. She certainly wasn’t looking to see if he was a free agent.

For anyone reading this blog for the first time… the other woman, in our case… was a work colleague – They both were attracted to each other when he started working with her on January 10th 2010. My husband told her numerous times that he was in a happy marriage, and that he loved me. She talked a lot of how unhappy she was in her marriage and my husband offered a shoulder to cry on – that was mistake #1. They met properly in the middle of January, and from there they became close. Mu husband even confided in her about our fertility problems. He saw her as a friend – someone he could talk to about things he felt unable to talk to me about. I don’t think he was doing anything really wrong… but looking back, he was not protecting our marriage.. or me.

Everything was platonic – other than the fact that she was the type of woman who talked about sex on a permanent basis. She would arrive at work and tell everyone how horny she was… ask how big they were down there…. that kind of thing. I am astounded my husband was attracted to her at all, but he said he felt like she was ‘one of the guys’ in the way she talked… but he liked her confidence, the way she dressed and most importantly, the way she listened to him.

In the 6 weeks that followed, they were friends, confidantes and he enjoyed the time he spent with her. He says, still… that even 1 day before the affair started, he had not considered – or wanted to have sex with her.

This wasn’t something that developed… she didn’t fall for him, there had been no talk of being together… and if anything, my husband had told her time, and time again that he was happy and in love.

But on March 1st, she set out to get him into bed. The texts came every 5-6 minutes for the whole day. They started saying she was in bed, tired from the night before… and horny. They ended with her telling him very graphically what she liked in bed, what she liked doing… and what she wanted to do to my husband. My husband, at first, tried to politely change the subject. He asked her many times what her husband would make of the things she was saying, and she played the whole thing down saying her husband didn’t mind her sleeping with other men. He was shocked, but flattered she wanted him… and in the end… he was, naturally, aroused. She was relentless.

The next day was more of the same, and at some point, my husband joined in the fun – the sex talk. She’d got him.

They slept together the next day. It wasn’t passionate or loving. He said it was like a business arrangement.

*

I sit here today, thinking back to a year ago and I am just, sad. I am sad he happened to like a woman who was an obvious predator. I am sad he didn’t protect our marriage, and I am sad for him.

Last night we got talking because I’ve been suffering with neckache and head pains for around 2 weeks. I was joking about ‘if I didn’t wake up tomorrow” and before I knew it, my husband was in floods of tears. He said he couldn’t imagine life without me, and at some point of the thought process he thought about his affair and got even more upset. He said he loved me ‘so much’ and couldn’t believe what he put me through.

I am sad for us both… I feel like we’re both victims in different ways. I feel our marriage is the biggest victim… but all 3 of us will survive… of that I am sure. It’s been a whole year since she became a part of the picture… and in 11 weeks we’ll have come full circle. I can’t wait until it’s been 1 year since he saw her for the last time.


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Regarding a comment…

I received a comment yesterday on my Love <3 post, accusing me of painting the aftermath of an affair as ‘rosy’.

I was quite upset by this comment, mainly because the last thing I would ever want to do is pretend that an affair doesn’t COMPLETELY destroy lives and cause absolute devastation… if someone thinking of cheating ever reads my blog and thinks everything will be ok if the affair is ever discovered, then I have really f*cked up in my writing.

I blog mainly for me, so I can look back at the progress I have made in my own marriage, because, at times, the ‘2 steps back’ feeling makes you feel like you’re getting nowhere, when actually you are. My story is different to anyone else’s and our recovery the same. I’m not going to blog telling the world we’re unhappy, if we’re not.

I suspect the reader/commenter has not read much of my blog. When I skip through my posts, I notice – if anything – an awful lot of negative stuff – outlining how damaged things are, how much I have changed (not for the better) and how miserable I am – at times. I find it quite hurtful to be accused of being TOO HAPPY, after my husband did the worst thing I can possibly imagine.

I recently wrote some monthly summary-type pages for reference, and a quick way for readers (and myself) to see how things were at specific times following D-Day. In one, I wrote – and highlighted I AM GLAD HE HAD AN AFFAIR.

In the original context, it went like this:

It feels like we’re more in love than we’ve ever been, and in some ways I am relieved this happened.

Yes, I just said I AM GLAD HE HAD AN AFFAIR.

Of course, I’m not. But I do wonder if I could go back and stop it happening…. where would we be heading now? Ignorant of all the things we’ve since learned about each other…. ignorant of how NOT indestructable we are. I can’t help but think we were on the path to divorce… eventually… maybe. Who knows?

The original post is here.

If I was wrong to write that, I sincerely apologise… but I stand by it. I would do ANYTHING to change what has happened, and so would my husband. I would not wish an affair on my worst enemy….BUT we know each other better now…. have learnt invaluable things about our own vulnerabilities, and fallen more in love. We now know that we can’t afford to sit back and  ‘be married’ and expect it to just work. It takes effort, patience, understanding, selflessness, consideration, affection, intimacy and love. We believed love was enough, and it carried us for 12 years… but no longer than that. Something had to show us we needed to put more in… and the affair did that.

Thoughts on this would be appreciated….


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Couple of things

I’ve struggled in the past, whilst blogging… to define her… I find myself trying to convey to readers why I can’t forgive her, why she is different from so many ‘other women’ I’ve read about…. but FINALLY today I read another blog and there it was… she was a  PREDATOR… or should I say IS a predator. I would like to think she changed her ways when she fell in love with my husband. She made out, at least, that that part had never happened before. Before, it was just sex – sex her husband knew about, and in fact got off on.

What really pisses me off is the fact that the married part doesn’t make a bit of difference to her when she is looking for her next plaything. I don’t agree with their lifestyle choice, but if she stuck to singles, there’d be no real harm done.

At least I know what to refer to her as from now on :)

Today is the dentist appointment I’ve been dreading since D-Day. In January of last year I took a filling out while I was eating toffee… and from then on had around 9 appointments at the dentist.. midway through those, I switched dentists altogether because I wasn’t getting anywhere. My first appointment with the new dentist was towards the end of february – when my husband and his mistress were ‘just friends’. The dentist said I need a wisdom tooth extraction, and a crown placed over the root filled tooth AND 2 fillings.

I hate the dentist sooo much… and I had all that work done in March – the month he was screwing her. The first, the extraction – which I was terrified about… was March 1st. That was the day the texting between them first started. Her first text at 8.30am mentioned being horny. It went from there. By the time I was laid in the dentist chair with tears in my eyes – having just talked to my husband and heard his reassurances… they were in full swing with the ‘sexting’. I am still in disbelief that ever happened – knowing my husband… but it hurts so much more because of where I was at the time. I remember the day so well – I went home to bed because I was in pain, and he came in from work like any other day… and commented on the blood soaked rags that were by my bed. He held me and took care of me like nothing had changed.

But everything had.

I hate that I can pinpoint certain days because I remember what I was doing that day.

March 3rd, the day they met at lunchtime and had sex for the first time… that night I woke in the night and couldn’t sleep, I went downstairs and sat on my laptop for a while. I remember it so well, because he came down – I assume the guilty conscience was doing it’s job, because usually he could sleep through world war 3… me not being there wouldn’t normally have woke him, and he wouldn’t usually have come down either.

I think back to that memory, seeing him stood there in the doorway all sleepy eyed… and it’s like I am back there. I want to get up and go to him, and say… “what did you DO?!”.

Then he’d tell me and it would have stopped there.

If only.

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9 Months Past D-Day ~ Quiet Days

I’m a naturally talkative person… some would say loud, but since D-Day, 9 months ago, I’ve found myself having quiet days.

What generally happens is a series of triggers… maybe it’s too many in succession… and they’re not the type that produce questions or tears… they just make me sad, reflective… and, well, quiet.

These quiet times go unnoticed when my husband is at work, obviously…. but we’ve had a few times on an evening when I’ve found myself in one of these moods, and he notices straight away. He asks if everything is ok, and I say yes – I’m not being dishonest… but there’s nothing I want to talk about, I’m just feeling down. It’s at times like these I wonder how the hell it all happened… how did I end up here? in this situation? I am also guilty of some pretty stupid thoughts in those moments – he obviously isn’t attracted to me… for example.

Yesterday was one of those days. 1st January – oh, Happy New Year, by the way :). It was a year ago to the day that my husband first heard of the new job, where he would be working with a woman… the day I cried because something felt wrong and I was worried he’d have an affair… yeah, I know how that sounds, but it’s the truth.

So, from the stroke of midnight, I went from feeling elated that 2010 was over, to the realisation we’d hit our first anniversary relating to the affair… and a quiet day started, that I just could not shake.

By early evening, hubby went out of the room and didn’t come back for a while… I looked for him and he was just sitting upstairs… he said he just needed some time to himself… I asked why and he said “I can’t bear to look at you and see what I’ve done”. We hugged and I told him I was sorry it was so obvious – it’s not my intention to hurt him, but I can’t hide hurt in my face no matter how hard I try. After the hugs he ran me a bath, and where he would usually sit and talk to me, he went off on his own. I knew he was just finding it hard to be around me and my pain… which seems selfish in one way – afterall – he caused it… but I understood.

The tention didn’t lift at any point… we went out for a drive, watched a movie etc etc and we were affectionate to a point… but on those kind of days – or moments, I feel almost cold towards him. I think it’s at those time that I feel my most angry, like I want him to just leave me alone… but at the same time, I want him to be here.

The whole of the Christmas period has been odd. I was so looking forward to time with him, and Christmas with him – yet so many times I lost myself in thoughts like “he might not have been here….” “he wanted to leave me… to never have another Christmas together…” etc etc etc. It’s been hard.

The worst part is, in a couple of weeks it’ll be the anniversary of the day they met…. the day he was intrigued by her and found himself attracted to someone for the first time in 12+ years. The first time my husband walked into our home, looked me in the eye… and lied to me.

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Goodbye

2010… I was so looking forward to you, but you turned out to be the worst year of my life, BY FAR. I am so glad that you are leaving and taking all the bad stuff with you. Be gone 2010!!

Goodbye and good riddance.

May 2011 be happier and healthier…. our marriages stronger and closer… and lessons learnt in the past continue to stay with us into the new year and the future. xx

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Visitors

Visit http://www.ipligence.com

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News

I got a news feed on facebook today… “Police are investigating the unexplained death of a woman in ******* on Christmas Day.”

It went on to say she was 31. Her, the woman who tried to steal my husband, lives in that town, and turned 32 on December 20th. I’m assuming they won’t have the age wrong, even if she only just turned 32.

So it’s not her.

Nevertheless, it made my stomach do that flippy thing, and now I am sitting here wondering if I wished it was her.

I have often said I wished she was dead. I don’t mean that…. but if I heard she’d moved away to the other side of the world, nothing would make me happier. But today, reading that story… part of me was disappointed to see the ’31’ knowing that meant it definitely was not my husband’s ex-mistress. That feeling makes me feel terrible. She is, after all, a human being – younger than me, with her whole life ahead of her. For her to die would be an awful thing.

I hate what his affair has turned me into… to hate another individual so much can’t be good… yet I read a few blogs written by women who are or were that woman… the other woman. I see how it was for them, from their side… and I don’t hate them, or even dislike them. Sometimes I am sad for them because I can’t imagine being involved with a married man and I think it’s wrong to pursue one… and I think it shows a lack of self respect… but that’s all.

I think I hate her because not only did she sleep with my husband and beg him to leave me, but the way she went about it and the things I’ve heard about her since, make my blood boil. She’s a nasty piece of work… she is disliked by pretty much everyone – my husband felt sorry for her because he knew people hated her. How ironic. She had tried it on with every member of the band, past and present – whether they were in relationships or not. She is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone. I don’t expect her to think of me, the wife… but she cheated on her own husband too.

I know I will get comments about how I can hate her and forgive my husband… and yeah, I see that… but when I considered contacting her I was warned by the people who know her to leave well alone… that I would end up more hurt, and she would show no remorse or compassion for my situation. I guess that means I’ll never know her side or be able to forgive…. and I actually hate that. I wish I could understand more, and be able to hate less.

But at least I know, if it was her… if she had been dead.. I would have felt sadness. I guess there is a scrap of human emotion left in me somewhere.

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Interested….

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Affairs, affairs…. everywhere!

If one thing has amazed me since D-Day, it’s how many TV shows have storylines centering around affairs – and you rarely notice it until you have been betrayed on yourself. They are everywhere. One would think it was the ‘norm’ to cheat on your wife/husband… and moreso, that it is impossible to be married for any length of time, without straying.

Then, once the affair is revealed – often in a big christmas episode, or season finale, one of two things happen; either it is assumed that after an affair, the only way to deal with the infidelity is to ditch the cheater…. or there are tears and yelling, and then things go back to normal.

This irks me for two reasons.

  1. A LOT of betrayed spouses actually choose to try to forgive – I forget the statistics I read, but it was wayyy more than you’d think. It is certainly not a given that they will walk away…. not like you’d be lead to believe. What annoys me about this, is that people who have never been in that situation often expect others to behave that way…. as in, people think we are stupid for staying, JUST because they see it so often on TV.
  2. Even if the betrayed spouse stays – and the cheater wants to save the marriage… things NEVER just go back to normal. Time and time again I read blogs where you wouldn’t know when the post was written… it could be 2 days post D-Day or 2 years. The pain is the same – the shock, feelings of betrayal… all there, even months on. I wonder if things EVER go back to ‘normal’, or if we don’t just find a new version of it. On TV, you have the hour-long reveal, tears etc then the next day dawns and the wounds are healed.

I wonder why infidelity is so fascinating to watch for us all… those who have lived it know that the dramatisations we see everyday don’t even scratch the surface of how it actually feels, or the hellish aftermath we have to live through…. yet, TV execs all over the world insert affairs left, right and centre into programmes to get the viewers. Are we all just attracted to other people’s lives being destroyed, in any way possible? or is it that we all identify with human weakness, and accept that what we are seeing on the TV – whilst not giving a true representation, actually does mimic real life. They destroy lives and tear worlds apart, but people don’t realise that until it’s too late. Maybe the TV shows should show actual true-to-life accounts of the devastation an affair causes, and tone down the glamourising of the whole thing… then maybe affairs wouldn’t be everywhere.

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Thoughts

I was just reading a post, here – http://afteraffair.wordpress.com/2010/12/09/elizabeth-edwards-puts-things-in-perspective/

It got me thinking – I quote:

“People say that if your marriage survives, it will be stronger.  Sometimes it feels that way and then some days, you feel just plain broken.”

This is incredibly true. I never doubt my/our ability to survive (perhaps this is naive of me?) but I do sometimes just feel broken.

Later in the post, the writer says:

“there comes a time when you have to stop whining and get down to the hard work of forgiving when it’s not easy to forgive.  There are days, even weeks, at a time when it has been easy to have forgiven and then a few months later, I find that, well, feels like I’ve not forgiven at all.”

7 days post D-Day I was stood in the kitchen and my husband came in. He came up to me and put his arms around me and kissed me. I had been thinking about forgiveness at that moment… and I said it there and then…

“I forgive you…”

There have been moments since when I have questioned my forgiveness, but ultimately, I do forgive him, and I did on that day.

I put this down to a few things.

  1. After hours of talking, I understood the reasons the affair happened and how it was a multitude of things (not just my husband being a shit) that lead us there.
  2. To take him back initially, I had to forgive him to a point. I could not have taken that man back into our home, and my bed, had I not partially forgiven him from the outset. After that, it was just a case of putting reason #1 in place before I could genuinely say I forgave him.
  3. I loved him far too much to even be angry. I have never been angry really. It’s been 8.5 months and although I have had moments of fury, they are soon calmed by the knowledge I have of the man I am married to and why he did what he did.
  4. I feel that the amount of time the affair lasted – 1 month, could have been so, so much worse. That’s not to say it wasn’t bad, or the hurt was less… but he couldn’t go on any longer living the lie. I am grateful for that.
  5. My husband, from the very second he came home – 36 hours after the discovery, did everything I asked without complaint, and went out of his way to be accountable and be open and honest. He held me, he cried with me, and he shut her out completely.

Those things, for me… made it easy to forgive. If it happened again.. the reasons it happened this time would be null and void… and I would not know the man like I think I do. I would still love him, I can’t imagine ever not… but it would be a very, very different story, and I know I would not be writing a blog titled “surviving an affair”.

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Day 255 – I’ve changed…

Before my husband’s affair… we would sometimes be watching TV or a music video or something, and there’d be stocking-clad, half naked women on and he would oogle them (as most men do)…. and I would roll my eyes.

I would love the ability to roll my eyes now.

Since D-Day… 255 days…. I cannot bear watching stuff like that with him. I feel over-sensitive to it… but I can’t help it and it’s driving me crazy. Tonight, I watched The X Factor, and Christina Aguilera was on there with a corset and tights on, with her breasts hanging out, and my husband (who was out working, but watching it) called and mentioned her ‘jugs look good!’ and I felt like throwing up.

A couple of days ago, I told hubby this, and he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. I explained to him that before the affair, when he looked at other women, I thought of it as nothing to be upset about. Some call it ‘window shopping’ and all that ‘can look but don’t touch’ stuff… which is fine. I was okay with it because my husband was window shopping, and not touching… but on March 1st 2010, he saw something he liked and instead of walking on by like he had for the previous 12+ years, he went into the shop and bought it.

If your wife had spent 12 years looking in shop windows – at beautiful, expensive clothes she would never buy for financial reasons, and she promised faithfully she’d never buy those things… then one day she did? I reckon window shopping wouldn’t be quite so much fun anymore.

So, I explained this, and he got it… but thought I was being silly all the same… and I am, of course, but it is just another effect of his betrayal. I thought, for a long, long time…. that when my husband looked at other women – on TV or in the street… that he would look, but not touch. I now know, that even if he says he’s learnt his lesson, and swears he will never do it again (and I believe him) I now know the one thing that has changed everything forever… I know he is capable.

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Love. <3

I am in love with my husband. I am so, so, so in love with my husband, I can hardly believe it.

I always was, of course… and I would have sworn that I never took him for granted, but recently I’ve realised a few things. Let me start at the beginning…

Christmas always reminds me of something that happened 7 years ago now. I had an affair – an emotional affair on the internet. We never met, but talked on the phone a handful of times. It lasted, on and off for 11 weeks. We were ‘off’ a lot.. we argued, and we hurt, and we drove each other crazy, but I thought I was in love.

I met him online and we just clicked. My husband and I had drifted a lot – we were leading separate lives and most, well, all but the odd night I spent online till daylight broke. Our marriage was no longer close or intimate, but at the time we just carried on without realising there was anything wrong. When I met him we started to flirt. I felt flattered and excited by him and I began to want more. One random day we confessed we liked each other and took it a step further.

At the start of the affair I told my affair partner that I was in love with my husband, and would never leave him. I wanted fun – nothing more. He agreed – it was what he wanted too. Things changed, as they tend to in that situation… the word ‘love’ was first mentioned within a couple of weeks… it became intense very quickly… and stopped being the fun we had both wanted. Nevertheless we couldn’t stop. We would constantly misunderstand each other’s tone over instant messages and countless arguments ensued. We were both sensitive, naive, selfish….

Christmas was a matter of days away, but I hadn’t put up my tree. I am usually on the ball and have everything done the first week of December. I was depressed, frustrated that I couldn’t be with him and wasn’t looking forward to Christmas at all. Eventually I did buy a tree – a small 3ft one with decorations. I had to make some sort of effort… but I did it for my husband, not for me. On Christmas eve, he called the end to our ‘relationship’ and I was devastated. I didn’t sleep all night and Christmas day was a nightmare. I turned to my husband for the love I needed, but without him knowing what was happening to us he was powerless to pull my attentions back to him. For 3 days I heard nothing from my affair partner, then he popped back up on MSN Messenger, and it started back up.

In February, I ended the affair, but we continued to talk. Around 10 days later my husband and I had a row and I confessed the lot. I told him I was in love with someone else, and I left. I felt unable to be in a marriage when I had feelings for another man.

My husband and I had been married for coming up to 6 years. I loved him, but my attentions had been elsewhere. I destroyed him that day – but the difference between he and I is that I have to deal with everything that is in front of me, everything that hurts. My husband liked to lock painful things away and get on with living life in the here and now.

For 4 days my husband begged me to come home. He cried like I’d never seen him cry, but I was numb from the emotions I was feeling, and so, so confused.

4 days after D-Day my husband visited me at my mothers and told me he was going away for the weekend 2 days later. He said to me that unless I was going to come home, I had to get all my things from the house while he was gone. I said I would, and he left.

MY fog cleared at that moment. I didn’t come to some realisation that my feelings for the affair partner weren’t real, but I knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

I moved back in that weekend, while my husband was away. I promised never to talk to my affair partner again, and I re-committed to my marriage.

For the 6 years that followed, I felt like I had been blessed with learning a very valuable lesson – given a second chance. I had taken my husband for granted, and we had both allowed ourselves to drift. I stopped spending all night online, we started to go to bed together, every night. Things were much, much better than before the affair…. and my husband dealt with it in his way – by never mentioning it again.

After his affair, he realised he had made a mistake in the way he locked his feelings away when I cheated on him. He wondered, a lot, if he would not have had the affair if he had really felt the pain of what I had done. I did too – because now I know how it feels, I know I will NEVER cheat again.

We’ve talked a lot about my affair, since his affair. We both consider what he did to me much worse. For one, we were in a bad place when I met my affair partner. We were doing great when he met his. His started for sexual reasons and developed into a ‘crush’, where mine started because we grew close and I was getting much-needed attention. He understands why I ended up where I did…. where I struggle to understand his betrayal. He had a physical affair, where my affair partner and I didn’t even discuss sex. But both were infidelities, both were wrong…

What I did 7 years ago helped me tremendously in dealing with the aftermath of my husband’s infidelity. I could understand how easy it is to be carried away and to not think about your spouse. Those things hurt less as a result. I am thankful.

So… 1000 words later, my point? I was lying in bed a couple of nights ago, and I realised – it hit me full in the face. I am so, so, so in love with my husband, more now than I’ve ever been.

We’ve both been ridiculously stupid. We’ve taken each other and the amazing relationship we have, for granted. But now… finally, we know what we have, and we are more in love than we’ve ever been. We’ve seen each other in the worst light possible, and we are still in love.  We look at the world and the people around us, and we realise that nobody and nothing is more important than us. Our marriage is worth everything and without it, both of us would struggle to live a single day.

And to my final point – 242 days ago, my husband, who I trusted with every fibre of my being… walked in and told me he loved someone else and was leaving me. I write this stuff, and I believe it in my heart… but never be mistaken, readers… I will always, always have the tiniest of doubts and fear that I am wrong – that one day he’ll once again become a person I don’t recognise and hurt me, but I can’t live like that. I have to believe in love. Because that’s all there is, and all that matters.

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The future.

Before I start this post, comments will not be approved from anyone who comments simply to disagree with tarot reading and similar activities. It is something my husband and I do believe in, and I hope in reading this blog, you’ll respect our opinions on it. :)

So, a week ago I had my tarot cards read by a lady who has done them before and was very good. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind though… she started by saying “you’re worried about your marriage”… I was willing her to say that I was worrying for no reason, but what she actually said, was “you’re struggling to cope… coping is the feeling I am getting from the whole spread”. I agreed, but then she said… “in about a year, your ability to cope will come to a head… and this (pointing to the spread of cards) suggests the marriage will break down, permanently”.

I nearly threw up – I won’t lie.

She went on to say that it will come down to my husband being impatient and immature. She described him as someone who doesn’t understand that things don’t always happen quickly – as in my healing (this is SO true). She said he has a lot of growing up to do and that unless he does so, and learns to communicate better, that this is the path we’re on. The path to the end of our marriage.

A card later on suggested that we needed a third person to help us to communicate, which she thought meant counselling. She said that I will not give up without a fight, and if the marriage does fall apart as predicted, he will regret it.

The long term spread she did showed more hope. She said that he was still ‘here’ and assumed that meant we worked things out. She said I will get what I want, even is it’s not good for me. She said “be careful what you wish for”. A later card drawn to represent my husband showed him as the king – more mature, and also a father. The card earlier was a prince. She said that must mean he grows up.

In the end, her summary was that she felt we could save ‘us’ if we got counselling and he pulled himself together. She said the 12 month prediction was a warning and we could change it – but it has to come from him. Finally, on the subject of our marriage, she said “it will always be difficult”.

I felt better about the whole thing afterwards, and to be honest I would say she has hit the nail on the head. Only a week or two ago, when I was having one of my bad days, he said “this is becoming hard work” and I was quite upset. He didn’t mean it literally – he is not going to give up on us… but at times, he finds it very difficult to deal with the way things can be sailing along quite lovely, then BAM, a bad day hits. I think he needs to realise this is the way it is.

The medium records the whole thing, and when he listened to it back, he was taken aback. I told him her opening words to me before he heard the tape, and he immediately said “I don’t believe her” but once he heard the whole thing, he completely did. He said he refuses to let it happen, and thinks we should go into counselling as soon as possible. The worry of it is, we simply do not have the money. On the NHS, I can get counselling, and so can he – but only for depression, and that’s not the issue. Our only choice is to pay £30, which is around $50 each session, and right now our finances are in a terrible state. Nevertheless, we have to do something.

 

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7 Months / 216 days

Another milestone.

My husband is still having anger issues… but not because I am accusing… just because.

Today, he got some computer stuff out to do for work tomorrow. He was irritated he had to do it at all, so I suggested doing it while we were just sat watching the TV. He thought that was a good idea, so set to it. Five minutes or so passed and he started to shout and get annoyed because there was more work to do than he’d realised. Then he got angry about the fact he couldn’t work sitting on the sofa and started to lose his temper. At this point, I tried to talk him down – he’s always saying I’m the only person who can do that. All I did was say his name a couple of times, to get his attention because he was huffing and puffing, and then I said “look at me”. My intention was to say… “take a deep breath… I’ll help you move your things to the table, you don’t have to do it all… just take a second to calm down.” – that kind of thing. His reaction, was to say “what?” in an angry voice, then when I said “look at me” he yelled “what?!” at me again and looked infuriated.

It took everything I had not to burst into tears. That may sound pathetic… but my husband is a gentle kind of man. He doesn’t talk to me that way, and when he does I am hurt by it. He looked at me like it was my fault he was struggling, and yelled like I was just making everything worse. I muttered “nothing” at him, then spent a good 10 minutes swallowing alot and trying not to cry. Around 15 minutes later, he was working at the table, and he said, without even looking my way “sorry I snapped”. It was an apology, but not a heartfelt one, and I didn’t even reply. He knew he’d upset me, and he knew his apology wasn’t good enough, but he left it at that.

We had said we’d have a nap, we’re both really busy at the moment and he was working tonight… so suddenly, out of the blue, he closed his laptop and said “come on then, I’m leaving in just under an hour”. I was in the middle of playing Freecell on my laptop, so I replied asking him to hang on a second while I wrapped it up. He said “I’ll see you up there” and went to bed. Once I had finished the game, which took maybe 30 seconds, I then had to put the dog out to use the bathroom, and wait for her, then put her in her crate. By the time I got into the bedroom, my husband was nearly asleep. I got into bed beside him but he made no move to cuddle or kiss me.

So what had I done to deserve that?

Firstly, I attempted to calm him down when he was getting himself wound up. Then I made no fuss about the fact he’d taken my head off. Then, I asked him to wait not even 1 minute while I finished what I was doing, and we always go upstairs together. Then, I was ignored in bed, by this man who says he loves me more than he ever has before.

Still trying to figure where I went wrong.

So, while he slept beside me, I sobbed. I am a sensitive person, but he knows that, and when he realised he’d snapped and it was uncalled for, all he had to do was come over to me and say sorry and give me a hug. All would have been forgiven, but no. He’s too angry for all that.

When he woke up, he cuddled me and when I didn’t cuddle him back he seemed surprised something was wrong. I decided not to make a big deal out of it.  Yes, maybe tomorrow I will cave in and spit it out – I’m not good at holding things in for long… but on the other hand, it won’t do any good. He’ll say what he always says “I was just stressed” or “I was tired”. I don’t have default responses lined up for when I behave like an arse… maybe I should think about making some up. They serve him well and are used everytime he puts a foot wrong, and I am supposed to accept it as part of who he is.

Anyway… this too shall pass.

7 months. People reading may be wondering how things are by 7 months post D-day. Well, things are on the whole, much better. I don’t cry nearly as much as I did, and although I think about the affair every day, it doesn’t consume my every thought. I am not as sensitive to triggers and memories. They come and go, but I tend not to react the way I used to. Some things I brush off, some things make me feel sad, or hurt, but the feeling soon passes. Of course, there are still bad days where I question both mine, and our ability to survive the whole ordeal, but 95% of the time I know we definitely will.

I still hate her, and I still look at my husband and think “how did you do that?!” but I don’t think those two things will ever go away. That said, we are looking to move closer to her. I must be mad, I know. We currently live around 20 minutes drive from her house. If we buy the house we are looking at, it will take only 1-2 minutes to drive, and about 10 minutes to walk to her house. I guess that must mean I trust my husband 100%. I do… with her, and only her. I would be so shocked if he got involved with her again because he despises her. I am fortunate that when things between then ended, she called him awful names and lied about him, and made him see her in a totally different light. I am so grateful for that. So yeah, it doesn’t worry me too much that she lives so close. .. and her house is on the market anyway, so with any luck she’ll sell and move elsewhere anyway.

I think things are becoming more normal again. The honeymoon period is over… and some of our old ways are setting back in. I think some things have to come back, but hopefully we’ve learnt enough about ourselves and each other that we won’t let the bad habits sneak back in. We’ll hopefully continue to appreciate our marriage, our friendship and each other… and never stop making the effort to be good to one another. I do have to mention the way he made me feel today… in hindsight, that’s what it’s all about… honesty, and making each other accountable for our own actions. Yes.

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Anger

His anger, not mine.

There’s been a couple of instances in the past week or so where I felt like he was lying. I know I can’t tell when he is lying, otherwise I’d have known he was screwing around… but I got the feeling. Feelings are dangerous.

I asked him, ok… maybe repeatedly, if he was hiding anything from me. He’s been a little distant, but we’re both stressed with selling the house. He is also stressed at work, and tired a lot. But then when he was ‘off’ during his affair, I accepted those things as reasons without doubt. I feel like I’d be stupid to accept them again, but just because he is being ‘off’, that doesn’t mean that he is up to something. It could be a number of things.

I gave myself a talking to this morning because he got angry with me for asking him all the time. He said he was frustrated, and I said “you created this“. It’s not fair to go on and always blame the affair… like I am relinquishing any responsibility for my actions because he created the situation and made me this way.

But on the other hand, it is niggling at me and I cannot shake it. I mentioned the post-nup we discussed after we reconciled. A contract that says that if our marriage ends because of any further acts of adultery, that I get everything – not a massive amount, and certainly not enough to compensate me, but it would feel like some justice had been served at least. He agreed to it back in April, but we didn’t have the money to go to a solicitor and draw up the documents. I also felt it was unnecessary becasue I love my husband and I have faith in him that he’d never cheat again.

I put it to him again today, assuming that when asked, he would show signs if it bothered him… he said “yeah, fine” but he looked uncomfortable. When I put that to him, he said I was seeing things. Maybe I am?

We talked briefly, and he said he thinks work and the house stuff are getting him down, and he is frustrated that he can’t convince me he’s not doing anything wrong. I told him the best way to convince me was to deal with the issues that are apparently causing him to act ‘off’. That way, if he goes back to being his usual self, I won’t be paranoid. Voilà!

When all said and done… although my husband ticked a lot of the boxes that were supposed to tell me if he was having an affair (you know the type… is your husband having an affair? type websites…) there was only one that really told me, without any doubt – and that was the way he changed. I don’t think he is having an affair now… I just think there’s something he’s not telling me. It might be nothing, but I am certain that he is withholding something, and it’s not sitting well with him.

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Ugh.

Sometimes things are just UGH. I don’t even know why, and I can’t pinpoint anything specific happening to make things this way… oh well, maybe I can…. HE DOESN’T FREAKIN’ LISTEN TO ME!! Yeah, that’s it. It starts off with something nothingy, and becomes an issue because the little things keep adding up.

 

I think our honeymoon phase is over. The hysterical bonding ended a while ago – probably at around the 5 month mark. Now, I’m starting to see the flaws in my husband again, that I’ve forgotten all about since D-day.

 

D-day made me see only the good in him again, like I had forgotten what an amazing, lovely man I am in love with. For 6+ months I have even smiled at the things that used to bug me, and shook my head at things where before I may have lost my temper or had a go at him. I felt that we had made progress with that kind of thing. Being most understanding of each others flaws, loving each other regardless and having more patience. Maybe it’s just today, maybe it’s just a phase that will last a few weeks… maybe it’s just because I am stressed about moving etc, but either way today, he is driving me crazy and I am not holding back on being bad tempered and snappy. I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. In the supermarket half an hour ago, I had to stop dead in the middle of an aisle and count to 10. I was so close to abandoning the trolley and walking out. I say things to him, but he is so wrapped up in his own stupid distractions that he doesn’t listen to me. Then I either have repeat myself, or he looks at me like “why did you do that?” even though I just told him.

In my head it feels like he is going back to taking me and our marriage for granted again. Like I’m not worth listening to. It’s happening alot, or at least it feels that way… we haven’t been so close lately… but again, maybe it’s the stress of moving.

 

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Brave face.

I put on a brave face to everyone. I feel in some ways I was forced into it because about a month after D-day, everyone started talking like everything was ok again in my marriage. I frequently heard things like “at least you guys are ok now” and “you can move on from it all now”. It was almost like I was allowed a period of time – approximately one month, to get the affair out of my system and move on. I was expected to ‘forgive and forget’ and stop being upset about it. People assumed that I would simply be grateful my husband chose me and go back to being happily married.

I suppose I enabled them to think that way, because I chose to put on the brave face. I sometimes hinted that all was not perfect and better by saying things like “we’re ok” or “it’s not always easy”…. but ultimately over time, family members made their own minds up that my husband’s affair was in the past and we’d moved on.

They are so wrong. Yes, it is in the past, and in a way we have moved on… but it is still very much a part of our everyday life and still continues to be a strain on our marriage.

My best friend visited this week and I cried. It’s the first time I have cried with her in 10 years… since she moved away. I felt like with her I could be honest about the fact it still hurts. It was such a relief. She is considering moving back home… I really hope she does. If I’d had her close-by for the past 6 months, maybe I would have been able to work through my feelings outside of this blog, and maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so in the habit of pretending things are fine.

In other news, we are moving house. Last night we drove past her house while house hunting. I knew where she lived, and I asked him to. I’m not sure why, and he felt very uncomfortable about it. I don’t care if he feels that way, he did it, not me. Her bedroom light was on, and of course the thing that sprung to mind was “he slept with her in there”. It occurred to me that he knows what her bedroom looks like and would probably be able to imagine her being in there, even if he didn’t want to. He squeezed my hand and said he loved me, but I felt numb and sort of angry. I get angry at myself when I ask to be in the situation where I know I will hurt or get mad, but I can’t help but to do it. It felt very odd to be so close to her. She was probably no more than 15 metres away from me.  Her house is also on the market. I hope it sells soon and she moves away. I wonder if perhaps she is moving for the same reasons as us… bad memories. Maybe her husband can’t bear living in a house where his wife was with another man who she had feelings for. That’s hard to ever forget, it almost lingers in the air around the house… as a constant reminder.

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Ramifications of the physical kind.

I’ve been ill pretty much all the time since D-day. On D-day itself I had unbearable nausea that didn’t lift for days… maybe weeks. I took nausea meds, along with anti-anxiety meds, every morning as part of a routine to ensure my survival of the day. I had a cereal bar, then took my meds. I survived on those things alone for many days. I lost alot of weight.

Before the affair, I suffered with IBS and anxiety. I had bouts of nausea – maybe once every couple of weeks. I was anxious to do things and go places, but it was controlled by medication making life easier… The IBS is something I have struggled with for many, many years and it limits the things I do. I used to think it was hell. I know better now… THIS is hell.

My ‘usual’ health since D-day has consisted of major IBS flare ups for no reason at all, that lasts for days and make me think I may actually die. The anxiety I once felt because I had to go somewhere or do something, is now present 90% of the time.  I have panic attacks over nothing, and weird adrenaline rushes – what I would class as mini panic attacks, out of the blue for no apparent reason. I can be watching TV, reading a book – nothing specific triggers it. I feel sick at least once a day, and always when the affair or her comes to mind.

I’ve started having weird night time episodes where I feel sick, have diarrhea and get shivers. I have visited the ER, and emergency docotrs – been told I had an infection, been told it was IBS, had many blood taken, had tests for food allergies…. everything comes back normal, yet I still have the episodes. Even when I don’t get ill in the night, my sleep is disturbed, and often by nightmares.

The answer to all this, of course – maybe you already guessed it…is STRESS. Plain and simple. I am in a constant state of stress. Some days I may be distracted enough that the physical symptoms don’t get a hold of me, but mostly… at some point, the stress caused by the affair, and the aftermath, makes me ill on a daily basis and I can’t control it.

Today, I start taking Kalms.

Kalms is a traditional herbal remedy, which helps to relieve worry, irritability and the stresses and strains of everyday life. It also relieves symptoms of the menopause including worry, wakefulness, flushing and cold sweats. Kalms also helps to promote natural sleep.

 

Please, Lord, help me heal… especially physically.

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Site stats

I was just looking at my site stats… it saddens me that so many find themselves on this blog… if you’re reading this, please post a comment and tell me who you are – betrayed, cheater or other woman/man. I won’t judge or anything. Just interested. Course, you may not be any of those… but please say hi anyway, it would be nice to see who is reading :)

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Sometimes…

Sometimes I’m just unhappy. I wake unhappy and struggle the whole day trying to pull myself together. Sometimes I don’t even try, I just wallow in the self-pity.

That is all it is at the end of the day, self-pity… but I feel I am entitled to it. After all I devoted 12 years to this man, gave him everything he wanted, tried to be good, kind and giving… loving, understanding and patient. Over the years I have planned surprise parties, nights away, huge valentine gestures… I did everything, and in return he had an affair. That’s a bitter pill to swallow.

An example. In 2007 for valentines day. My husband came home from work expecting our usual valentines takeaway and DVD. In the hallway hung a red balloon with curled ribbon dangling and a note. The note read “take a shower and get ready, before entering the lounge” he did so… upon entering the lounge, he was surprised I wasn’t there… but instead he was greeted with 56 small white boxes in a line going through, onto the dining table, forming a heart shape, then leading into the kitchen. Each box was adorned with 2 red paper roses, and each contained a red foil wrapped chocolate heart. Following the boxes, he went into the kitchen, which was filled with 112 huge pearly red balloons, and a further note. “112 months I have loved you. 112 red roses on the boxes and 112 red balloons… get ready and come find me… I’m at *insert sat nav postcode here*. He found me waiting at a hotel, where I had booked the honeymoon suite, bought chocolates and flowers, and taken food and wine. I’d also made him a card, listing 112 reasons why I loved him.

That may have been the most romantic thing I ever did for him, but he’s had plenty of surprises over the years… I am a thoughtful person, I’ve made him cry with things I have done.

The week before he and her started their disgusting antics, was my husband’s birthday week. He took it off work, and I planned a week of things he wanted to do. On his actual birthday we got up at 5.30am and drove to the beach to watch the sunrise. We went to the theatre, to the cinema… took long romantic walks, had his favourite takeaways, and went out for dinner. It was a wonderful week. He worked the weekend after it all, and the sunday night was where it started. How does that happen? He could not possibly have felt neglected. He could not possibly have felt like the romance had died. We had sex 4 times that week. We laughed and we were as close as we’d ever been.

It made no difference.

He says now, the intimacy had gone – and yes it had… the kissing we used to enjoy, became ‘pecks’. We rarely kissed full-on, even in bed. Since D-Day we’ve been kissing full-on… properly.. for 6 months and we are much, much closer.

The other thing he said drove him to the affair, was my incessant talking and disinterest in everything he had to say. He is right here too. I am a talker, and he was a listener. At some point over the years, he decided he wanted to talk more, and I didn’t listen. I did, at times, but would butt in, and talk more – not letting him get a word in. When he talked about music stuff, I looked disinterested and bored. He gave up. She listened intently. One reason I’m sure was that she was musical too, so she was already interested in what he had to say. She understood what he was talking about. I didn’t. But also, she wanted to get him into bed, that’s going to make anyone listen intently, no?

So, I’ve started to listen. At first it was a hard habit to break, but now I find it much easier. I try to think before I speak, saying “I see what you mean, but… ” or “I think you’re wrong, because….” rather than my saying “no, this is how it is…” or “you are wrong.”  I have had to learn that my husband’s opinion is as important as mine and give it the respect it deserves.

Anyway, today I woke up unhappy. I just feel hard done by… like all the effort I put into my marriage got me nowhere. I also feel like I am still putting in effort to fix it, and all the while I did nothing wrong. Of course, he’s not entirely to blame for the failings in our marriage, but he is entirely to blame for the affair. Sometimes, although he is more affectionate, more open, more honest etc… I still don’t feel like he does enough to fix this. We’ve not had counselling on the understanding he works on his boundaries and self-esteem issues – I’ve bought him 2 books but they remain unread. He would go to counselling, but we can’t afford to go… so I nag at him to read the books and he says “I will”. It kinda reminds me of a day a lot of years ago when I asked him to see a dentist about his breath…

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6 months on.

It’s after midnight… making it October 1st.

D-Day was March 31st. On April 1st, my Husband re-committed to me and we began picking up the pieces.

If I said it’s been easy, I’d be lying. If I said it’s been the hardest thing ever… that would be closer to the truth. But it’s all been worth it – so far at least.

Admittedly only last week I had my doubts that we’d ever make it, and felt like I couldn’t do it anymore… but that’s a good indication of how things can change suddenly in our marriage these days, because now I am determined to keep fighting and not let this beat us.

I’ve longed for this day, the 6 month milestone. I guess I feel with every passing month, that we’ve achieved something special… but 6 months feels big. The trouble is, we’re now heading back towards the anniversary of him meeting her, and the whole affair itself. I can be content until new year. The phone call with news of the new band came January 1st (how strange it was always the 1st of months…hmm) and from then on, he began lying in one way or another.

I often think that I wish I could go back and change things – stop it ever happening, and Lord knows my husband does – but the trouble is, the good times we have now wouldn’t be as good, had he not had the affair. We wouldn’t have learnt about each other’s vulnerabilities and needs.We wouldn’t be as close or as affectionate. We’ve actually benefited from the affair, but aside from the pain that I feel daily… we’ve also got another huge consequence, which is not good. We fight, alot… and it gets nasty, quickly.

My husband seems to have an anger issue he didn’t have before. Personally I believe it’s because he is angry at himself for what he did, but he’s taking it out on me – that is, it is coming out, when we fight. He loses his temper, when before he didn’t have a temper… and because of that, he doesn’t listen properly to what I am saying… what he does hear he seems to twist, and then he takes an eternity to calm down. All the while I am sobbing and wondering if I can do it for much longer.

Last week, I told him he had to get help for his temper. He has started to get physical – not hitting, but grabbing, and shoving a bit. I can see he is controlling it, and not allowing himself to lash out at me – but to me, it’s only a matter of time before the day comes when he loses control, and then our marriage would be over. I couldn’t live like that, not even if it was once. I’ve been there, and I grew up in a house with domestic violence. There’s no way I could tolerate it, even if I wanted to.

Before D-Day, I believed we had an amazing relationship – better than anyone else we knew. Now, I know we do, because the good times are so fantastic and fulfilling, and just… wonderful. If we could calm the fights, and space them further apart (they are happening around once a week at the moment :( ), then I’d have a lot more faith that we are going to survive his affair.

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Day 177. 5 Months, 23 days ~ Anger

I’ve always said I wasn’t angry over the affair. Not with my husband at any rate – my anger was pointed formly in her direction. Lately, I’ve realised I am definitely harbouring some anger, but I don’t have the urge to scream at him at all.

It’s little things. This morning on a TV show, they were doing a phone-in about wether or not you were comfortable being naked with your partner. In my head, the thoughts went:

How silly! If you’re not comfortable naked, you’re with the wrong person…

I paused slightly, thoughts shifting from all the women of the world, to one particular one.

She was fucking comfortable naked… couldn’t even wait to be undressed by him, just laid there baring all, and with the lights on too…

*insert anger here*

AND for that matter, HE certainly had no fucking problem taking HIS clothes off and just standing there naked either. Bastard.

That’s how my anger manifests. Something will trigger a memory – sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes me sad… and then sometimes the thought makes me angry and is finished in my mind with me saying, bastard… arsehole… fucker.

So what makes me angry?

The fact he lied to me. You can’t have an affair without some lies, that goes without saying, but for me, the worst was that he fabricated a story with her about him doing work for her and her husband, in case I discovered the number of texts he had sent her. Because of this little ‘idea’ he lied to me on a daily basis, giving me updates about what they wanted, and what he was doing – when there was no need to. It makes me sick.

When I straight out accused him of having an affair (2 weeks prior to D-day), he was so angry with me for suggesting such a thing, the argument got very heated and he pushed me and slammed doors.

The night he turned me down for sex (a first) and I asked him if he’d had it elsewhere (1 week prior to D-day) he let me sleep in the spare room because I was so upset, and made no attempt to make up with me and reassure me.

The following night, when we had made up after the fight, we made love. During which I said to him… “please, tell me I’m your one and only” and he did. He held my face and said it right into my eyes. I cried. I was so frightened there was something going on with him. He put my mind at rest. I hate him for that.

The day prior to d-day, she was in hospital and he was fraught. I was texting him at work, messing around having a laugh. He text me “are you going to stop all this crap and let me do some work?” I cried then too.

*

I am angry he did it at all, obviously… I am angry he thought one-off sex was ‘ok’… that he got into our bed 10 minutes after leavings hers – regularly… that he was still sleeping with me… that he kept his wedding ring on throughout… etc etc etc.

It’s funny – and perhaps an indication of my own low self-esteem, but I’m not angry he did this to me. I am angry he did this to us, and to our marriage… but somewhere in my mind, I guess I don’t feel like I deserve someone to be faithful. When all this happened, I realised just how many ex boyfriends cheated on me. The relationships weren’t serious in most cases… but even in the couple of serious relationships I had before I met my husband… there was cheating. I was always so relieved I’d found someone who I believed 101% was not capable of adultery. I don’t believe such a person exists anymore.

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Holiday

The holiday was ok. I was anxious from the get-go (I suffer with anxiety) and I had tummy trouble also… it seemed to irritate him more than usual – probably because when my husband goes on holiday he likes to do as much as possible… whereas I am a relaxer and like to do as little as possible. I hate how I forget this every time we go away. Mostly, we do what he wants, because I think his way is more logical, and ultimately when I come home I do want to say I have done stuff and not laid on my fat arse all week… but at the time it causes conflicts. This week, we had planned to be lazy, intimate, loving etc etc and have lots of sex whilst staying in a caravan all week. Even the weather forecast showing rain for the week didn’t phase us because we weren’t planning to do much.

Until we arrived. By tuesday night I was exhausted. We never stopped. We certainly did not spend time in each others arms and being affectionate and close. I really hoped that the time together would be special and loving and I wanted to come home feeling more secure and connected… so on wednesday when we got back to the caravan mid-evening and he asked that seeing as though we weren’t doing anything, would I mind if he spent the evening learning some music that he needed to know for next week… I was more than a little bit annoyed. He didn’t get it. I kept telling him we’d had no intimate time together, and that I got more kisses and cuddles at home, and he looked stunned. He seemed to think we’d been affectionate enough, and I disagreed. Then, (and this is what he always does) he changed tack and started on about how he was only going to do music stuff for an hour or so because then he’d likely get bored anyway. I said that wasn’t the point – my point was that he wanted to do it in the first place, and didn’t want to snuggle with me and watch a movie – or go to bed… we rowed. I cried. It was crap.

At the end, he said he hadn’t realised how much affection I need. This is bullshit. I tell him all the time. I do think he tries, but he simply cannot understand just how much the affair has taken from me. He thinks that because we’re closer than we were, and more affectionate… that it’s enough. I told him it wasn’t… he promised to try harder… and he did so for the remainder of the holiday. :)

This is our van and the lake we overlooked followed by the ducks that woke us each morning. I want to live somewhere with ducks someday… loved it!

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Biting me on the ass.

There’s been a few things, recently… and even on D-Day itself that I now realise I planted in his head. OK, this post may not make sense… but bear with me!!

Before the affair, I used to say things like “you can’t help who you fall in love with”. We used to talk about affairs, and I used to say… people sometimes just fall in love… you don’t have to be a bastard to cheat, but at the end of the day, if you fall for someone else, then you should walk away and not cheat.  When I used to express my worry that he’d find someone else, he used to say he’d never, ever cheat, and I’d say “but if you fell for someone…”

The letter I got from my husband on D-Day said (from memory,  because it’s long since ripped up and destroyed) “I’ve fallen for someone else – I didn’t go looking for it, it just happened.”

I realise now, that I put those words in his mouth. I gave him the reasoning… the way of making it not sound so bad. I spent years saying those things to him. He simply used them to make what he had done look better – and he figured I would understand more, and not hate him – after all… I’d told him so many times, that people can just fall in love.. how could I hate him for that?

My husband said a few things that day that cut me to the core. He now says everything he said was him trying to justify to himself (and to me) that he’d made the right choice (in leaving me) because in his heart he knew he was making a mistake. At worst, he even went as far as to say they were planning to have children. She actually didn’t want children at all, but because we had tried for 10 years to conceive, he felt if he told me he was leaving me for a woman who didn’t want children, I would be hurt because it wouldn’t make sense to me that he could face a life without children so easily. He felt that by saying they wanted children, I would feel better. He seriously did not think that one through, because that was the straw that broke the camels back… that was when I kicked him out.

Anyway, to the point – he said a few things to justify why he was leaving, and most things hurt me very deeply. Now, when I think back, almost everything he said, was something I had said previously to him.

I have a lot of health problems, and because of them, my life is very restricted. I cannot travel far, I cannot eat out… etc etc. I’ve said to him numerous times “if you ever met someone else, you’d realise how much you miss out on because of me”.

On D-day, he said words to the effect of “I’ll have more of a life with her… be able to do more, see more – travel and stuff”. It hurt so much to hear those words, and in fact it’s been something that has bothered me ever since. Once we were back together, he said to me that in the big picture, those things didn’t matter. He said he would rather be with me and my health problems, than be without me. I now realise that it’s never bothered him at all – he simply used something I had said to him – something I thought would justify him leaving… so I wouldn’t be as hurt – and so what he was doing made sense to himself.

Am I making sense?

He spent a lot of time, and put a lot of thought into making it all look better, but not all for me. I actually think he did it moreso for himself… because if he had done things I had expected him to – or things that I had to him over the years, then he wasn’t being a bastard – he was being a human being. I don’t think he set out to lie, manipulate or sugar-coat the affair. I think he simply took the things I had always said and used them to justify what had happened, to me, and to himself. I put it to him this week… and he realised that was what he’d been doing, though he didn’t think he was at the time.

So… what’s to be learnt? Well, for a start… if I say things to him now, I have to be careful…  anything that he may use in his own head to justify anything in the future, must be avoided. For instance, when I am feeling insecure and unlovable (often)… I say things like “you’ll find someone better one day”. I realise now how harmful that could be. Maybe one day he will meet someone he is attracted to and believe she may be better, simply because I suggested so… after all, once he was in the fog, he believed she was the one. He doubted everything we had shared, and even how much he loved me. If I had/have said “you don’t even love me!” at any point… maybe he;d have believed it even more.

Guess I have to be careful.

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Party Invite

My husband has never been one to go out with the guys… I know when someone has an affair, those kinds of liberties are usually revoked. I’ve not had to enforce anything like that, but I have asked him to call me and prove he is places he says he is going to be. He keeps receipts that show times, and he calls me if he is late leaving work, that kind of thing.

A couple of weeks ago, he got the chance to start playing in a band with one half of a local vocal duo that were on a british TV show… I’m not going to name names for id purposes, we’ll call him Adam for this post… anyway the guy is pretty well known nationally, but very nuch locally. I am pretty happy about it – after the affair one thing my husband said had bothered him, was that I held him back from making it big as a musician because I didn’t want him to be famous. I admitted that although I still felt that way, I had no right to prevent him from doing everything he could to make it. So he joined Adam’s band with my blessing.

While we were away this week (which went well, but we had a huge row halfway through – more on that later), he got a text from another member of the band asking if he’d like to go to a surprise party for Adam.

Now, a party under in any circumstance would be a no-no… to be honest, I think even before the affair I would not have been happy with this situation…not because I didn’t trust him, but because I always worried he would meet someone else. But now? No way. When I said this to him, he was shocked I would actually stop him going… which infuriated me. I pointed out the sort of people I would expect to be there – Adam is only mid-twenties… there are obviously going to be eligable singles… women, probably attractive, younger etc. Who the hell knows?! Either way, there was no chance of me allowing him to go alone. He argued, but when I explained that I wouldn’t have let him go before he cheated, let alone now… he backed down and said he understood… closely followed by the usual “I really wish you trusted me”. Yeah.

So, tonight he is with the guy who invited him. I told him straight out that he could blame me for his not going. He did so – but apparently he did it so I didn’t sound like a bitch. The guy understood, so I’m told… but said it was a shame because “Adam’s wife was hoping the band could do a few songs”. My husband said he wasn’t trying to get me to change my mind, but just wanted me to be aware of the reason he was invited.

I’ve pondered this. I appreciate that if that is true, then by not allowing him to go I am stopping Adam from doing his thing at his party. But, ultimately, I can’t shake the picture I have in my head of my husband and this guy sitting tonight, trying to come up with a valid, believable reason why I should let him go.

Because of that, I’ve said no… and I will be sticking to it.

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Notice

I changed my display name – firstly to survivinganaffair, then to lookingforward – just so you know. I think a friend may have found the blog, and although I write publicly… I don’t want people I know in real life reading about what I am going through. If I want to share it face to face I will.

It was my own stupid fault… she had the address of another blog, and of course, you click on the display name and it brings you here. Silly. Anyway. Maybe she will still read, maybe she’ll assume she can still access through the other blog. I deleted the other blog. Maybe I am wrong and she didn’t find me at all. Who knows… anyway. I feel better for what I’ve done.

So yeah, if I comment on your blog, you know it’s me. :)

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Getting away

We’re going on holiday this week, just to a holiday park for 5 days. It’s the second time we’ve been on hols since the affair. The first time was 26 days past D-Day and it wasn’t easy. At the time we thought, and were told by friends and family, that it was ‘just what we needed’… but the truth is, the hurt and shock was still so incredibly raw back then, that it was difficult… nice, but difficult. I got ill halfway through, and although I am a pretty sicky type of person and my husband has seen me in some terrible states, I found it really hard to have him see me like that, so soon after D-Day.

That feeling lasted a long time… I’d say I’ve only felt normal about it again for the past 6-8 weeks. So, for 3+ months, I couldn’t handle my husband seeing me ill – vulnerable. I felt like I looked pathetic, when I wanted him to see me as strong. He’s always been wonderful when I’ve been ill, and he still was post-affair, but I felt like I just wanted him to not be here to see me that way. Odd.

Anyway, this holiday, will be good for us. It is definitely just what we need. Not because it will fix anything, but just because we just want some time together, away from everyday life… even if it is just for a few days. We haven’t even got anything planned. We’ve booked a luxury caravan and we’re taking DVD’s and board games. We don’t even care if it rains all week… we just want some us time. I’m looking forward to it.

In other news… today when I got in the car, my seat position was different. I don’t drive – mine’s the passenger seat. Hubby said he’d given a work colleague a lift. I had the usual oh god feeling, but then talked myself out of it. My husband noticed and put his hand on my knee saying “I wish you could trust me”. Yeah? So do I! I decided in my head that if he had allowed another woman to get into our car and change the position of my seat, he must be really stupid, and I don’t think he is. He gave her lifts in our car and my seat position never changed.

Then he said “if I did it again – knowing the damage I did, that would make me a real bastard, and I’m not a bastard.”

Guess that makes sense.

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I knew before, but…

I’ve always thought my husband was in love with me. Deeply and completely in love with me. I have believed that 100% for the best part of 13 years.

When he had his affair, I doubted that to be the case. I know affairs aren’t about loving or not loving someone… but I believed that if he was deeply and completely in love with me, then he would never look at another woman. So, when he did, although I knew he loved me… I wondered if he had fallen out of love with me, or if we’d lost the special something we’d always had.

He, on the other hand… had never ever looked at another woman. Until her. He was attracted to her, which on it’s own didn’t worry him. As far as he was concerned, nothing would ever happen. Then, when he found that he was getting closer to her and starting to think of her in that way, he started to wonder if he was in love with me at all.

At times, I have struggled with this. I have found it difficult to understand how someone who is deeply in love with someone, ever doubts that? But he did. He believed it was possible to only love one person… and as he thought he’d fallen in love with her, his figured that it must mean he wasn’t in love with me.

When we got back together, he believed he loved her, but his heart felt that he was still in love with me (his words). For 10 days we lived in each others arms – another honeymoon period, if you will… and then, suddenly out of the blue… my husband broke down and told me he didn’t think he loved me, and he didn’t think I was the one.

I’ve blogged about this before. Here.

Once he realised it was not only possible to love two people… but also that he in fact didn’t love her at all, he knew for certain he was in love with me. There was a physical change in him. His shoulders dropped, his smile looked real… even though I hadn’t noticed it looking false… and he relaxed. It had been bugging him, tearing him apart inside. He knew he felt love for me, but it made no sense to him.

People who are deepy and completely in love, can still have affairs. I know it to be true because my husband did.

He looks at me now, and I can see, and feel intense, real, wonderful love. I feel it now more than I ever did before, yet I have always said my husband was in love with me. Deeply and completely in love with me.

Now, somehow, it’s deeper still… I almost feel like he adores me. I know how that sounds… and maybe one day I’ll wake up with a shock, but right now, and for the 5 months since D-Day I have felt immense love and remorse from him. He talks to me differently, he looks at me differently. I would never change that. I wish it hadn’t taken an affair to get us here, but it did, and it’s done. I am grateful for the renewed love we have for each other… and I have to believe that is the reason everything happened.

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something he said…

Names have been changed.

Louise, Andy’s new girlfriend came into work last night. They’re getting serious… it was lovely to see them together all loved up…. but I felt this overwhelming urge to get hold of him and say ‘don’t cheat on her, it’ll ruin your life’. I just felt like I needed to warn him. I feel like I want to warn everyone out there. Just don’t do it.”

It brought tears to my eyes.

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Tears

My husband cried again today. It probably happens around once a week. This week has been particularly emotional with one thing or another, and it was the second time he sobbed in my arms.

He wants to take it all back. He wants to rewind and tell her where to shove her vile texts. It’s as if he can’t accept what he has done. He looks back and doesn’t recognise the man who did that. He knows it happened, but he can’t recall how he got there, or what made him stay there for the month. I liken it to waking up after a night of far too much drinking and being reminded by your friend what you got up to. I remember being a teenager, and staring in disbelief at times… “I never! …did I?!… omg!”

The trouble is, those things were always funny.

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Day 158 ~ Stuff

I contacted one of my husband’s band members yesterday. He is the guy I asked to confirm for me that she was indeed what my husband described her as – a homewrecking whore. I contacted him before I had even met him, somewhere around 14 days past d-day… and asked him what she was like. He told me she tried it on with every musician the band had ever had. He told me she and her husband liked her to sleep with other men. That kind of thing.

I met him in person around 2 months after that first encounter. He’s a lovely man – aged late fifties… wise.. married… decent. He also has her on his facebook friends.

So, yesterday I asked him for her address. He replied today:

Hi *****, her e-mail is on facebook, but to be honest I can’t see any good coming from me giving it you. I am concerned about you and realise what happened must have shaken your foundations, but from the time we all knew about the affair with *****(my hubby), all she did was slag him off – not one good word. I sometimes wonder how much devastation ***(her) & (her husband)****’s lifestyle must have caused for people, and do you think they would care? I don’t. The two guys who used to be in the band used to sing the Mcfly song to her “its all about you”, because that was her attitude. They view things from their perspective and can’t seem to empathise with anyone else. I’m so glad she is no longer part of the band. All that being said if you want her email come round and look on my facebook. Don’t let what happend in the past spoil today or tomorrow love, yesterday is gone.
love ****

He didn’t want to give me the address, but he’s willing to let me get it for myself. Tonight, my husband asked him if he’d give it to him, and he said he would. I don’t want to go to his house and look on his computer… that screams desperate to me… and even if that’s what I am, I don’t want other people to know that!

What he said though, has made me realise that he is probably right. I go about life assuming people are inherently good… and perhaps I am right, but to assume this woman would have any sympathy or understanding of the pain I am in, is probably stupid. I would feel relief if I contacted her and she says she’s sorry and never meant to cause my pain. But the bottom line is, she sounds unlikely to do that.

Either way, in a matter of hours I will have her email address. I doubt I’ll ever use it… but it’s there. An option.

My husband and I had a kind of rough day. He spoke to the guy who wrote to me last night – told him I was struggling and he was worried about me. The guy told him that we should have counselling. He also said – more importantly, that if he was in my shoes he’d want to just forget all about the affair and move on. It sounds so simple. That set my hubby off with the idea that maybe I am not coping normally which really pissed me off. I told me once again that it can take years to recover. He said he’d wait – but I can see his patience wearing thin at times. I guess it can’t be easy.

I wrote back to the guy today and told him I would love to move on, but that at times the pain is as raw as it was 5 months ago. I worry he think’s I am a f*ck-up. I think I worry about alot of people thinking that of me. Why am I not over this yet? What’s wrong with me?

I need to keep telling myself that I will heal in my own way and in my own time, and if people don’t like it – that’s their problem. The only person I need to be able to deal with it is my husband… and if he truly loves me, then he’ll allow me to do it my way.

At the end of everything, we decided to start counselling in the new year if we feel we haven’t made substantial progress. Our finances won’t allow it at present so we have no choice. If I were a betting woman, I’d say it’s definitely on the cards.

It’s not so much my coping… the reason we need counselling. I think it would do my husband alot of good, but also, recently our arguments have become so much more heated and aggressive. I worry we both have pent up anger/frustration and the communication could do with some work. We seem to be able to communicate on a normal level perfectly well, but when we’re stressed, emotional etc, things are taken wrong… and things blow up so quickly it’s frightening. I think for that reason we need some help. I won’t allow our marriage to break down without a fight.

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Day 157 ~ Her.

Some days the affair is all I can think  about. And some days I don’t even try not to – actually, in all honesty, if I am thinking about it, I don’t ever try not to. I am my own worst enemy, but I never was one to try to drag myself out of a low mood… I’m a dweller.

I’ve had a weird week. It’s been 5 months since D-Day.  Wednesday was our 5 month anniversary together. He only went for one day – and didn’t actually ‘go’ at all.. really… but our marriage was over for 35 hours.  That might sound like nothing… I know there are people out there who wait days – weeks…. maybe even months, for their spouse to realise what an idiot they have been. For me, those hours were pure hell. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy.

Anyway, so yeah… I always seem to feel the pain more when it’s that time of the month.

Sometimes thinking it’s been 5 months makes me feel proud for getting here in one piece, and sometimes I don’t know where the time went… or how we will survive the next 5 months. Always, I am glad to see the time is passing, and the affair is sinking further and further into history.

I am considering contacting her. I think this may be the first time I have seriously thought about doing it. Until recently her facebook page had the option to send a message, but I was never tempted to. For some reason, she has taken the option away now – maybe that is why I suddenly want to talk to her. I could add her as a friend and include a personal message asking her if we can talk…. would that be foolish? Possibly.. probably.

I spoke to my husband about it and he wasn’t happy. Naturally he wants to put everything behind us and move on, and with it being 5 months he thinks it’s dragging it all back up. Sometimes he forgets that it never went away in the first place.

I want to know if she loved him… or if it was all just a game. I want to know… hmm… what do I want to know? I guess if he’s telling the truth? but I believe him anyway, so what would be the point? To know how she felt about him, about the affair, and about me… I think that’s it. Of course, she may not tell me anyway. My husband seems to think she’ll be anything other than accomodating. He said she is volatile and unpredictable, and the people I know who know her tell me to stay away and be glad she’s not making a nuisance of herself.. She sounds lovely, not.

I don’t suppose I will contact her. I just wish I could shake the feeling I have of wanting her side of things… of wanting to get into her head… because I don’t suppose I’ll ever really get it. But how do I let go without it?

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She’s moving…

Why it matters I don’t know… but following my sighting today I have had an evening of obsessing over her. I don’t know what made me look, but I went onto rightmove.co.uk and searched her street. Unbelievebly, the very house my husband had sex with her in, is on the market. I was so shocked! Add to that, the photo of the house includes the car he sat in with her, holding hands, kissing etc… and it’s been rather an upsetting evening.

I rang him, to tell him – only to be told he knew, which infuriated me. Apparently she mentioned during the affair that they were going to sell up and move into rented accomodation. He never mentioned this to me. He swears he’s heard nothing about it since. The house is offered with vacant possession, so it sounds like he is right. They are going to rent.

It’s all quite odd. In one respect, driving by her neck of the woods triggers me horrendously.. and once she’s not there, maybe it won’t. But just the fact that the house he conducted his affair in is still there, may still trigger me anyway.

Then there’s the fact he won’t know where she is. She never knew where we lived (I know how odd that is) and neither of them have each other’s phone numbers anymore. Course, she still knows where my husband works and she can still email him there if she wants. I suppose at least I’ll know he hasn’t driven over there to watch her, like he did 3 days post-d-day.

But then, I won’t know where she is either. She could be closer to us. Jesus, she could be around the corner. She knows the town we live in – I hope that alone will stop them moving here.

It’s all very weird. There is no way I will be able to find her, see her, talk to her – confront her, write to her – nothing. Would I have? Probably not… but it was there. An option.

Course, having the house on the market allows for some fun and games. I have emailed the agent to request photos be sent of the inside. They are not provided, but I have made up a story about family living too far away to visit. I want to see the bedroom. Yes, I am that twisted.

I will be booking some viewings… I’ll do the whole, arrange an appointment and cancel last minute 2 or 3 times – I know how annoying that is. Then I’ll be someone else and arrange to view at a really bad time, and then not turn up. This will give me great satisfaction. I also thought I would enlist the help of a friend… she can arrange and cancel once, but then actually go, and give less-than-kind feedback. Oh yes.

If anyone has further suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them. :-D

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Outing her.

I feel an irresistable urge to post a picture and the personal details of the homewrecker my husband had his affair with. Of course I won’t do it, but I am overwhelmed with wanting to humiliate her.

When there was a chance, today, that I may come face to face with her… I decided I was not going to come out of it looking any worse than I already do. I am a timid person by nature, while she is bolshy and loud – even violent. I figure if we ever meet, she’ll have something to say. In the event of that happening, I need to be strong enough to give back as good as I/we get. If she attacked my physically I would not fight back. But I’d press charges.

In the early days, my plan was to have a know-it-all type smile on my face, whileh I simply said “honey, you weren’t the first, and you won’t be the last” and if she went on any further, I would just say “but from what he’s told me, you were certainly the worst.”

My husband said if I said that, he would not call me out on it. He would just keep his mouth shut. He says he doesn’t care if she thinks that he played her. I think he probably does care, but he’s saying and doing the right thing to appease me. That’s ok.

I want her to think that she didn’t play me. That she was nothing special. I guess that’s it.

I have this strong suspicion that she regards herself as something important enough to risk his marriage for – hell, to LEAVE his marriage for. The truth is, she wasn’t. No mistress is. It’s all an assumption.

I hate that she likely thinks I am a pushover – the pathetic wife who forgave him and took him back, and I am so not that person.

Not all the time anyway.

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A sighting.

We saw them today. Her and her husband. Well, I did.

I’m always on high alert when out in the local area. She lives around 6 miles away from us, and the town centre and most supermarkets lie between us. I know one day she’ll be there, stood in front of me. I know what she looks like, and I’m guessing she knows what I look like too. That’s assuming she looked at any of his photos on facebook. She must have.

So today we were driving into the carpark at Morrisons. There’s a path that runs alongside the entrance road, and walking along it were two people. Her hair was shoulder length, straight, and jet black. My husband’s other woman had hair like that. So, naturally I looked over my shoulder as we passed them.

As I did so, the woman’s hair blew across her face – like some cruel twist of fate I didn’t get a good look at her, but I could see she had heavy black eye make-up on, like I know she wears. I glanced at the man she was with – slightly shorter than her, bit of a beer-belly and mousy. His age fit – he’s 15 years older than her… but for some reason I thought he was darker. At first, she seemed too ‘stubby’ to be the woman, I thought she was taller than me… so for a second I dismissed it. We looked for a space, and by the time we parked I said “I think I may have just seen her.”

My husband asked what I had seen, and confirmed that it did sound like them. Her husband is mousy, as it turns out, and slightly shorter than her. I mentioned her being ‘stubby’ and he said “she’s the same height as you near enough”. I figured that meant maybe it wasnt her – but then something came back to me that my boss (who has met her a few times) had told me. She’d said “she’s funny looking – her legs seem too short for her body”. I told my husband and he agreed.I think that’s why she looked stubby.

We shopped, but he was nervous it was them and we’d bump into them. I was nervous for him – not me. I don’t expect she’d do anything to me – why would she? But her husband could do something to mine.

Afterwards he said he thought it was them. They are an odd couple. It was too much of a coincidence.

Before leaving the retail park, I made him drive around to see if her car was there. He told me she had a Honda Accord – and told me the registration. I was dumbfounded to learn he knew it… and we got into a row. My husband has an appalling memory… I wondered why he even cared enough to learn it. I accused him of learning it in case she passed him in the street – so he wouldn’t miss her. He said he didn’t know why he knew it, he just did.

*******

I found two new blogs this week that I’ve been reading. One by a man, one by a woman. It helps to know I’m not alone in this hell.

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Friends of the Marriage.

Through the whole pre-affair time, the affair itself, and then post-affair… the people you and your spouse have as friends can make a massive difference to how things play out – and if you survive.

Your cheating spouse’s friends and family.

Firstly, it is a fact that if one of your spouse’s parents commited adultery, then they are more likely to. I guess this is because we are all simply a product of our upbringing, and if it’s ok for them, whynot for us?

If your spouse has single friends he/she socialise with, they are automatically in the position to meet available men/women. This isn’t to say that a married person can’t go out with single friends without cheating – it just provides opportunity where there wouldn’t be if all your spouses friends were married.

Aswell as this, if your spouses friends have affairs themselves, or consider it acceptable for your spouse to cheat, then again your spouse is more likely to go down the road of infidelity. I guess peer pressure still has a lot to answer for, even in adulthood.

All friends that your spouse has – especially those of the opposite sex, should have your best interests at heart. They should be friends of the marriage. They should support your spouse in coming to you with any problems, and encourage him/her to work at the marriage if there are problems. Any friend who pulls your spouse away from you, for any reason, is not a friend of the marriage, and should not be welcome in your spouses life.

So, in summary. If your spouse socialises and is friends with faithful, married people who don’t condone adultery. They are much less likely to cheat themselves. And if by chance they still do (as mine did), they are much more likely to regret it and never repeat the mistake.

Your friends and family.

Throughout your marriage, you should keep only friends who are friends of the marriage too. Having people around you who say “you can do better”, “who cares what he/she thinks?” – that kind of talk… is not condusive to having a happy marriage.  You need to have friends who want you to be happy with your spouse, who want you to treat your spouse right, with love and respect. Anyone who does not, should be shown the door if you value your marriage.

After you discovery infidelity, you will need your friends and family more than ever. A good support system will make the difference between you surviving and you not. But they should support you whatever choice you make. If you decide to leave (though I hope if you’re bothering to read my blog you’re at least trying to reconcile) then they should be there with arms open and ready help you pick up the pieces. But, more importantly… if you make the decision to stay in the marriage, they should encourage you to take care of yourself and not judge your choices. It is very easy – and very common, for people – especially men, to say “I would leave if my wife/husband ever cheated”. The reality is most do not leave. As many as 80% of couples try to reconcile after an affair. You are not in the minority if you want to survive it.  Your friends should support you in this and understand that until they’ve walked in your shoes, they have no idea how it feels to be in this position. If you have friends and family like this, the tough road ahead will be much, much easier.

Us.

Before my Husband commited adultery, my family and friends thought he was perfect. I could not count how many times I was told how lucky I was. I’ve always known it, of course, but at times when he was grouchy or we were fighting… I often used to think “they have no idea”. There was almost some satisfaction in calling my mother on D-Day and blurting out “he’s had an affair!”. I’ve always felt that they thought he was too good for me, but I think ultimately, most people were plain and simply jealous of our marriage. None – and  I mean none of our friends or family members have as strong a marriage as ours. I still believe that even after this.

After the affair, nobody told me I should leave. The only slight exception would be one set of grandparents who told me I should stay because I had no other option financially. I firmly told them that was not the reason I stayed, nor would it ever be. Everybody else believed that my Husband had acted out of character – made a mistake etc etc etc and should be forgiven. And whilst I am grateful for this, I do wonder if they would have supported me had I chosen to leave…

My Husband, thankfully, found that when he came clean to his work colleagues, friends and family about his affair. They were were extremely disappointed in what he had done, and it affected him deeply. I can’t help but think that had they been supportive, or understanding of his choices and actions, he would not have been so utterly disugusted with himself. He found disapproval everywhere he turned, with one exception – his Father.

His Father, after 23 years of marriage, left my Mother-in-Law for another woman much younger than him. There were circumstances that would have ended the marriage anyway eventually – her dependance on alcohol being the main culprit… but nevertheless, my Husband’s Father had a long-term affair after 23 years of marriage, and married the other woman.

It does not comfort me one bit to tell you they are still married 11 years on, but I do believe they are the exception to the norm. When my Husband told his Father he’d cheated, he simply told him to make sure he made it up to me, and to do everything possible to make things right. He wasn’t really in the position to preach, but in my opinion he said the right things. Again, I am grateful.

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Day 138 – Why I stay.

I’m ready to have my cheating husband’s name tattooed on me. I said I would on May 22nd when he got my name tattooed on his ankle… but something held me back. Now, I can finally say I feel safe enough that I am going to go ahead with it. It’s been in my head for nearly 3 months, and I’ve never thought “I’m not going to do it”… it’s been mainly “I don’t want to rush into having it done”.

It’s difficult to say why I feel ‘safe’, given what my husband did. But I think the bottom line is, I feel his love, and I feel his remorse. Remorse – not regret – although he feels that too.

My husband would take it all back if he could, but more importantly, even now – 138 days on, he is still willing to answer every question, go over every detail and talk about it whenever I need to. He still says sorry, and he stills holds me when I cry. He has even cried with me on many occasions, and I can see that what he did tears him apart.

I’m not saying our marriage is affair-proof. I’m not saying he’ll never do it again. But I truly believe there is less chance now, than there was before. Obviously he did have an affair, but what I mean by that is I never thought he was capable, so I felt a certain level of safety and comfort. I believed that because I  have always been loving and attentive… and we’ve always had a great sex life, that we were, so some extent – affair-proof. It was a good feeling, but it was misguided and false.  I don’t feel as safe now as I did before his affair, but what I am feeling is based on fact. I am under no illusions about my marriage, but I now know my husband is capable under the right circumstances, and that we need to work together to prevent anything like this happening again. I guess before I was ignorant, and while it was definitely bliss – it is better to be educated and know exactly what you’re dealing with and be in control.

It’s my birthday in a week or so. My husband bought me a Pandora bracelet last year for my birthday, and yesterday he presented me with a new charm. I have 12 now, plus a safety chain and some spacers – all of them were bought for me by him. This charm made me cry – buckets. It’s a retired chinese symbol charm, meaning Eternity. It meant so much, because there were so many things he could have got me – so many love-related charms… but he chose one that meant forever – the one thing I pray for, and am most in fear of. I love him so much, and that charm will always be my most treasured.

I don’t want to paint my life as rosy… anyone reading this who is going through the trauma of discovering an affair wants to know how things can be, but also how they really are after 4.5 months… so I’ll tell you.

80% of the time, life is better than before. 5-10% of the time, things are the same as before… and the rest of the time things are horribly hard. We have a heated discussion probably around twice a month. It usually starts with me triggering and getting either angry or upset… but bottling it up because I want normality… then he notices something is wrong and pressures me to tell him, so I do. The reaction is always the same – he is upset and hurt that I am still in pain. He wants to make it all better – he wants a week to go by without seeing tears rolling down my cheeks, that he knows are there because of him. I feel, at times, like I can’t face another day, and he worries I will leave. We talk – sometimes we yell… then we cry together and then hug alot. Each time we feel better for it, but exhausted emotionally… and each time it feels like we turned a corner. Generally speaking though, the next corner is never too far away.

In spite of this rollercoaster, I have absolutely no regrets about staying with my husband after his infidelity. I told him 1 week after D-Day that I forgave him, and I meant it. I love him too much not to forgive. I can sit and write a huge list of reasons why I will never leave him, and why it is incredibly easy to stay by his side. I can also see how other betrayed spouses don’t have it so good, and I consider myself lucky, yes, lucky to have my cheating husband in my life.

Whenever I refer to him as a cheat, or a cheating husband. He always says the same thing. “I am not a cheat, nor am I cheating. I cheated, and I will never do it again”. I stay because I believe him.

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4 months post D-Day

So since I made the last post about my continual bringing up of the affair, I have stopped. Sure, it is referenced, but I used to bring it up at every opportunity. If he ever asked anything or said anything at all, that could be linked to him having an affair it would be.

If we go somewhere, and the last time we were there was in march, I literally fall over myself to say “oh! the last time we were here you were screwing someone else and lying to me!”. I say it light hearted, almost like a joke, but there’s nothing remotely funny about it. It must get to him, but if it does he says nothing.

I’ve realised I don’t need to do this. I know my husband is the type two spouse I quoted in my last post. If he isn’t, then I don’t know him at all. It does occur to me that there are men out there (and women, no doubt) who have long term affairs, often over years. It is possible for a spouse to really not know the person they are married to.  The only way to move on, I feel, is to believe what I’ve known of my husband for close to 13 years.

On top of this, I asked him outright last night; “if the subject of the affair was never mentioned again… lets say I suddenly forgot all about it… would the memory of the hurt and pain you caused, fade away… would you forget?”

He answered “the whole thing is etched on my mind forever, I will never forget. It was all too traumatic”

He pretty much echoed the description of the type two spouse, I quote:

The hurt in your eyes on D-Day cut into their heart like a knife. They will NEVER forget what they did, and talk or no talk they will wear the scarlet A for ‘Affair’ on their soul forever.

I am so reassured by that. Course, the memory of it won’t necessarily stop him doing it again, but I with any luck it will. He isn’t in the situation to have individual counselling for financial reasons, so I have to hope and pray he’s done enough soul searching and learnt enough about himself… to never cheat again.

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Advice to myself…

It’s been 4 months since my husband last had sex with another woman.

Last night we had a terrible row. My husband and I were chatting about the way everything still feels raw and painful, and how terrified I still feel that he will do this again. It’s not a conversation we’ve never had – we have it alot,  but for some reason in the middle of it, my husband said;

“you’ll never be happy”

“you’re never going to get over this”

“what’s the point in carrying on?”

I flipped. I was so hurt. My world crumbled once again, as I understood his words to mean that he’d had enough of me trying to deal. A row followed, and along the way it came out that he said those things because he was feeling insecure about me being able to get over this, and be happy… but instead of asking if I thought I would ever leave him, or if I thought I’d be happy again some day, he took a reverse-psychology route and said those things.

It wasn’t pretty, and we both cried, alot.

We’re both scared. We love each other, but everytime I hold him I wonder how I can stop him cheating again, or simply just leaving me… and everytime I am unhappy or hurting, he wonders how long before I can’t take anymore and leave him.

I reassured him, that if I was going to hit a point where I couldn’t cope, it would have been long before now. I told him, as I have before, that there are only 3 reasons I would ever, ever leave him:

  1. If he lied / cheated again
  2. If he was ever violent towards me
  3. If I was unhappy and I had tried everything possible to fix it.

He, of course, picked up on #3 but the fact is, I wouldn’t just up and go. I would talk to him about how I was feeling, and together we would fix it because we love each other. Personally, I truly believe the only way this marriage will ever end is if he pulled a #1 or if he simply left me.

Anyways, so I was reading some stuff on infidelity again tonight, and came across this valuable little snippet of info which I just LOVE:

Q: I’m tired of talking about the Affair, but if I don’t keep bringing it up regularly won’t my spouse forget what he/she has done to me or think everything is back to normal and fine now?

A: This is actually an easy question to answer, because there are only two types of wayward spouses to deal with.

  • Type one is not really remorseful. They want to stay married to you for their own reasons: maybe financial, maybe help with child care, maybe you fit like a comfortable old shoe. But they really don’t want anything to change. This type one spouse probably will forget what they’ve done – in fact, they’d prefer to forget – if you don’t keep bringing it up. So they make it pretty uncomfortable for you to talk about the A. They’ll start a fight if you bring it up. Or they’ll storm out of the house “for some peace and quiet”. The Type one spouse is not in reconciliation with you.
  • Type two spouses are very sorry for their actions. They will do anything, ANYTHING, to help you heal. The hurt in your eyes on D-Day cut into their heart like a knife. They will NEVER forget what they did, and talk or no talk they will wear the scarlet A on their soul forever.

The Bottom Line: You don’t need to keep bringing up the A to the Type two spouse. And bringing up the A to the Type one spouse won’t ever change them into a Type two spouse.

That gives me so much hope. In lots of ways I feel I bring up the affair, because I am so scared he forgets what he did. Not that he had an affair, but how much hurt and pain he caused. I expect his feelings of remorse to fade, and for him to forget how damaging it was… and so in a way I think I have been trying to keep our marriage in a state where we are in recovery.

Of course, we are in recovery. BUT, there are times when things feel normal… and good, and happy… but I won’t allow one day to pass without referring to his affair. Sure, a lot of time it comes up regardless… but if I am honest, I do feel a sliver of panic when I consider dropping the subject. Like he’ll think I’m over it, and so it wasn’t that bad then.

I need to read that paragraph daily. Maybe it will make a difference.

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Genuine Remorse

He looked right into my eyes, with eyes filled with tears… he held my face, stroked my hair and told me he was so sorry. He talked about god forgiving him, and how he wished he could rewind time to put it all right – he said he often thinks there must be a way to take it all back.. he wishes above anything else there was. He said he loved me and he meant it… it was a moment that lasted maybe 20 minutes… just holding each other, looking into each others tear-filled eyes and kissing. We’re in love… maybe not forever (though I hope so), but NOW, and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that he is sorry beyond anything words can say.

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Day 108 ~ Struggling

I am struggling and I don’t know why.

I feel like I am rocking between two mindsets…

1, I feel angry towards him, and want to keep him at arms length… I feel like he’s just taking the piss out of me and is probably up to something and laughing behind my back. I have an overwhelming urge to hurt him, teach him a lesson… and to make him fight for me.

and

2. I love him so much, and I feel like he is falling out of love with me… I am close to tears all the time because the thought of losing him terrifies me. When he holds me I never want to let him go and am I constantly asking myself, how can I stop him leaving me?

My only explanation for any of it is the events of the past 2 weeks…. he’s been away so much, and I’ve been alone too much. I’ve been working so haven’t had alot of time to chat to family etc, which usually keeps me grounded to a point. Also, because my husband has been working so much, when he is here, he’s either sleeping or suffering from tired-induced nagginess, which has always been an issue. The last thing I need when I am feeling insecure, unsure, vulnerable and scared… is him tired. But that’s what I’ve had. I’ve voiced my feelings, particularly the second mindset, because that is the predominant one… and he either loses patiences because he’s tired and “doing all he can” or he tells me I couldn’t be more wrong, and that he loves me more than ever. And generally I don’t believe him.

The angry mindset comes and goes, thankfully it hasn’t stayed long enough to cause any damage. I briefly considered moving out, just to gauge his reaction and to hurt him… but I snapped out of it before acting on it. I guess I know he loves me just because I know how much it would hurt him for me to walk away.

I’d like to think my feelings are normal… and maybe I was wrong to assume that after the first 3 months, things would be easier. Research shows the first 3 months are the hardest – not that they are the only difficult time. I must try harder to remember that!

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Day 103 ~ It’s not always easy.

It’s been 3 months and 11 days.

I do feel like I am over the worst, but then sometimes… I’ll start crying over a flashback that hits me out of the blue. Today, when I was in a perfectly good mood, I suddenly saw a ‘movie’ of my husband nodding in answer to me asking “are you leaving me?” and I started to cry.

Yes, I understand he was in the fog… yes I understand why he made the decision and all that stuff… and I completely understand and believe that if he could go back and erase the entire affair he would. Does that dtop the pain? Nope. Not at all. I often wonder how long it will take before a flashback ‘movie’ like that doesn’t hurt. I would love to see that movie play in my mind and have little to no reaction to it… but I seriously doubt that’ll ever happen.

It’s been a tough week. My husband worked friday, saturday, sunday, monday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday. Eight out of ten nights. It’s difficult to have quality, bond-building time when we have so little time together.

Then on thursday, when I had missed him like crazy, he came in tired and grumpy. I was waiting for affection, and instead  I got snapped at – which made me cry. Then, because I was sobbing and I didn’t want my hubby to know, I went to sleep in the spare room. He came in briefly, but when I asked him to leave me alone he did. Usually – well, for the past 13 years, he would persist until I gave in and came back to bed. That is, until the affair was going on. About 10 days before D-day, we had a row, and I went into the spare room. He left me there. I cried all night… I felt absolutely heartbroken.

So, because he did that while he was having the affair, and because he was so off with me, after sitting in the spare bed sobbing for 20 minutes or so, I convinced myself something was going on – and he was hiding something.

Course, world war 3 broke out. It was 3 in the morning, he had to be up for work at 7… he was tired and not in the mood to be screamed at… so hurtful things were said. It was probably the worst row we’ve had since D-day, but we got past it.

It did leave me feeling a little fragile though, and I reminded hubby today that initially we said we’d have a monthly meeting, where we had the opportunity to talk about anything bothering us etc etc… because so many things went unsaid before the affair. He agreed, but asked if there was something specific I planned to bring up – which there isn’t. It’s more that I am worrying about him not being happy with me. The usual insecurities I guess.

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Emotions on D-Day

Devastated

Shattered

Shocked

Overcome

Overwhelmed

Crushed

Distressed

Despairing

Heartbroken

Hurting

Sad

Disappointed

Angry

Nauseated

Betrayed

Let down

Inconsolable

Weak

Unhappy

Horrified

Confused

Appalled

Disgusted

Shaken

Grief-stricken

Hopeless

Deserted

Sickened

Defeated

Staggered

Traumatised

Astounded

Paralyzed

Disillusioned

Horrified

Upset

Deceived

Frustrated

Desperate

Humiliated

Worthless

Abandoned

Inferior

Insignificant

Foolish

Stupid

Disbelieving

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Day 91 ~ Mistakes I made on D-Day

  1. Once I knew who she was, my first question was “are you leaving me?” when it should have been “get out!”.

    You can’t help the way you react when you’re as shocked as I was the day my husband told me he’d been having an affair. However, if I’d handled that shock better… I’d have been much less pathetic. I put the ball in his court, and asked him if he was leaving me, when I should have been the one calling the shots in that position. Under the circumstances of my husband’s affair, how I reacted at this point could have made a difference to the way things played out. You see, my husband didn’t really want to leave, but felt that he had made a decision and had to stick to it. Now, I am pretty sure that had I kicked him out, it wouldn’t have made a difference there and then, but it would have made him realise a full 30 hours earlier, that he wanted me more than her. The turning point for us, was when I told him 30 hours after the revelation, that I did not want him back. Once he thought he’d actually lost me, everything changed. I just wish I’d avoided the majority of that agonising wait, by saying it from the get-go.

  2. I should have made sure he knew what he was doing.

    After the initial shock, I sat my husband down and said that if he 100% sure that this was what he wanted, and 100% sure he was doing the right thing, he would give me his wedding ring. I guess I knew this would be a big deal for him, and I figured that in asking that, I was giving him the chance to say he had doubts. I was looking for some hope… but I was also trying to make him realise what he was throwing away.
    His reaction was to sit and cry. I had hold of his hand at the time… I was calm and I looked into his eyes as I asked him to take off his ring. When he failed to respond. I asked again “are you SURE this is what you want?” and he nodded, still sobbing. I then removed his wedding ring for him, and he let me. I also removed mine.At the time, I thought that him letting me remove it, meant our marriage was over, and it was 100% what he wanted. After many talks, I now know, that had I pushed for him to remove it himself, he wouldn’t have done so. That would have given me the hope I needed… and maybe it would have made him realise that our marriage meant something to him. I’ll never know for sure… because he was in the fog at the time, and he obviously isn’t now – but he is certain he would not have removed it.

    Had I had that hope, that day… I would have spent the next 2 hours making him see what he was doing, instead of assuming he was sure, and yelling at him to “go be with her then!”.

  3. I would have made him sleep in the car.

    I allowed him back in our marital home that night, partly because I haven’t the heart to make anyone sleep in a car.. but mainly because I desperately needed my husband back. I think, if I’d let him sleep in the car, clarity may have come sooner for him.

  4. I would have been stronger and kept control of the situation.

    When he came back that evening, I was composed, calm and strong. We talked matter-of-factly about what had happened that day, the affair, and his feelings. He was shocked by this, but I couldn’t keep it up. A little after midnight I buckled and we slept together. I don’t regret my decision to sleep with him, but I wish I hadn’t cried and begged him to come home. Again, I passed the control to him, and allowed him to tell me what was going to happen next.

    This isn’t such a biggie, but again, he was starting to realise what he’d done, and then I did the begging thing, and also the “take as much time as you want to figure out what you want, I’ll be here” thing, and so he did. I wish I had said “Thanks for the goodbye, now go be with her, because I don’t want you”.

These things would have served only two purposes. One, to make him come out of the fog quicker, so my agony would have been over quicker – and two, to give me some hope within minutes of him dropping the bombshell. Both would have spared me some pain, and the amount of pain I was in right then, I would give anything to reduce… but ultimately, we’d have ended up where we are today anyway.

It worries me slightly that my reaction was so weak, that if he ever did this again, he would expect the same – to be begged and forgiven. But I have to believe that if anything is going to stop him cheating again, it’s not wether or not he can get away with it, but more because he now knows the magnitude of the hurt and damage he has caused. If he hasn’t grasped that, then I have no hope.

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Day 81 ~ Where I am at

I have realised that surviving an affair comes down to 3 things.

  1. Understanding everything about the affair, and why it happened.
  2. Reigniting the things you loved about each other and your marriage, before the affair.
  3. Learning to change the marriage so that both parties are truly happy, and to prevent another affair.

Understanding, Reigniting and Learning.

I think I have 2 of those done. I felt like I’d turned a corner with the understanding part… about 10 days ago… and so far, every day has been better. Things feel normal again. I am actually not thinking about the affair 24/7. I never thought I would say that, at Day 81.

I think, once you know every last detail, and once you understand fully why your partner did it – what he/she was thinking and feeling… then it stops consuming your every thought. I am confident that I am there. I hope I’m not wrong.

The reigniting part we started doing on Day 2, fueled by hysterical bonding. It has eased slightly recently – in the way that our honeymoon period (as I call it) has ended. I no longer feel constantly needy and clingy… but we are still making the effort to be affectionate and loving. In our 12 years of marriage, we had reverted back to ‘pecking’ instead of ‘snogging’ for the best part of 10 years. Now we snog, and we peck occasionally. It makes a massive difference. I can’t believe how a kiss can change so much.

Now, the learning. That’s the next step. We have already learnt so much from reading the book, but we need to learn how to change things and maintain them long-term. Also, protecting the marriage from this happening again, is something we’ll need to think about for the rest of our lives.

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Day 74 ~ Never forget

It is possible – more than possible in fact, to have happy times when you feel secure, you feel loved and you look forward to the future.

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Day 74 ~ Happy?

So, Day 72, 73 and 74 so far, have been great. I edited my Story of the Affair post following recent discussions, and suddenly felt that I had all my answers. Not all the fine, minute details… but the big answers… the things you need to know to make sense of why, when and how. To be at some sort of peace.

My husband also shared some new, personal things with me this week… things that for nearly 13 years he has not felt able to tell me. To be as specific as I can – things to do with preferences in the bedroom. He did none of them as part of the affair, but has always felt embarrassed to tell me. I feel so good about this. One because he said he really likes the bigger woman. So much so, that he has searched for it when looking at porn.

(Just to mention, I’ve never had any issues with my husband looking a porn, I enjoy it too… )

I am a ‘bigger woman’ – I am a size 18-20 UK… and when we met I was more like a 14-16. He has always said he fancies me, but I have always, always been self conscious about my fat and wobbly bits. Despite this, my husband felt awkward and even ‘abnormal’ about liking fat women. He couldn’t even bring himself to tell me, knowing how happy I’d be, and how much it would help my self-confidence.

Anyways, now I know… and I feel amazing for it. I also feel happy that he now feels we’re close enough to share these things with me.

Our sex life is beyond amazing. I am enjoying it more than I’ve ever enjoyed sex the whole of my life – and I’ve been sexually active for 20 years. I actually believe that my husband’s confidence has been boosted massively by having a woman other than me give him ‘approval’ and I am almost certain it will be enough.

What I am referring to, is his need for validation. A few days ago I felt that the time would definitely come when he needed someone else to give him an ego boost. Then last night we discussed the way he felt that although I said I loved him, wanted him, fancied him etc etc, he never felt it. He didn’t ever feel special or wanted. I believe that that, is the reason she turned his head. It’s something I wasn’t aware of … I always felt that by telling him all the time that I loved him, appreciated him etc, that it would be enough. It wasn’t. I learnt a valuable lesson.

Actions, really do speak louder than words.

I won’t make the same mistake again – then hopefully neither will he.

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Day 72 ~ Why he did it.

So, we’ve been reading alot again, and talking alot…. and I’ve been listening more.

I decided that we’ve almost hit a brick wall in terms of helping ourselves. My husband still could not pinpoint what made him do this. Sure, we know she seduced him – as if that even comes close to describing her intent on getting him into bed. BUT, what was bugging me, was how he allowed himself to get so close to her that he thought having sex with her was ok. So, I said some stuff, and put some questions to him. I asked him to look at the weeks before the affair started. In the past I’ve referred to his affair by saying they had a physical affair for 4 weeks, and an emotional affair for 2-3 weeks prior to that… but my husband still insists that before it was sexual, it was a friendship and nothing more.

I know, however, that there is a fine line between friendship and an emotional affair.

I decided to let him talk… and get him to really think while he did so. We both came to the conclusion that he and her actually were only friends – maybe a bit too close, but friends nonetheless.

I, personally came to this conclusion  because he said:

  1. If she text him before March 1st (when the physical side began) it would mean nothing different to if another male member of the band had.
  2. He did not look forward to seeing her.
  3. He enjoyed her company, but only the same as the other members of the band.
  4. He had not thought of being with her.
  5. He did not want to be with her.
  6. He was not attracted to her, BUT there was something he found intriguing.
  7. He did not find himself thinking of her when they were not together.

So, what changed?

We ascertained that the night she laid on his shoulder, if she had laid on the guitarists shoulder instead, he would have thought “why not me?” and that, to me… suggested he was jealous. BUT, when probed further, he would have felt the same had she asked the guitarist to play a game of I spy… again “why not me?”. My husband wanted to be friends with her. He wanted to ‘belong’. We talked more, and he said he often felt left out because the other 3 members of the band seemed to click more. He felt, when he became friends with her, that he belonged more. He wanted her to like him best.

The morning that she began her little plan of getting my Husband into bed – as I have said before, she flattered him and over the course of many texts, turned him on and made him consider sex outside of our marriage. He began to question if what he had with me was any good. I’d been his only sexual partner. It makes sense that at some point in his life he would question what we had.

This part of the affair has been, as you can imagine, the subject of many conversations. Just HOW did this woman turn my husband’s head so quickly…? Was it that he already wanted her? Did he fancy her? Was he unhappy or bored with me?

Until now, I thought that he fancied her, but had no intention of acting upon it. But following our conversation a couple of nights ago… he said (not for the first time) that part of the reason he agreed to have sex the first time, was because he didn’t want to let her down. He felt he’d gone too far down that road, and by stopping it, she’d be disappointed.

That’s a ridiculous thing to hear from where I am sat. However, in the midst of this conversation, he said something that made all the pieces fit. “I thought she’d hate me”.

My husband’s overwhelming emotion / feeling… was that he wanted her to like him. Not necessarily in a romantic way – just like him, period. Now, that’s not to say he didn’t want to have sex with her, because he did. Her words over the two days made sure of that. He wanted it just as much as her when it came to it… but what stopped him turning back, when he asked himself if he was doing the right thing, was the part of him that felt he didn’t have a choice. He says 55% of his decision was based on that feeling and 45% on wanting to see what sex was like with someone else.

He said that after that, the feeling of keeping her happy accounted for 65-70% of him continuing to have sex with her. He loved that she liked him, and that she fancied him… but he would rather have spent the time chatting, having a laugh, and just being friends. He enjoyed that she seemed happy in his company… he felt sorry for her, and felt he was making a real difference in her life. It made him feel good.

I think my husband has issues with being liked. By anyone… he needs external validation to feel worth anything. She was the first woman he got to know as a friend, and I think her approval meant more because she was a woman. He doubted his own attractiveness and wondered if the opposite sex were interested in him. She validated him that way – firstly in liking him as a friend and being interested in what he had to say – and then physically. I understand how that must have felt to him. It all makes sense – though it is terrifying to me just how far he went to make sure she stayed liking him.

What worries me, is that once our renewed ‘honeymoon’ period is over, and things go back to normal… how will he feel the next time a woman is in the picture and it becomes important to him that she like him? He assumes he’ll never care again, but I am sure at some point in life a similar situation will occur. Would he go that far again? or has this whole ordeal taught him a big enough lesson that he’ll realise his marriage and his wife are more important than his own feelings of low self-esteem? I don’t know.

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They lie to you, they lie to them.

Following my last post, regarding her, I had a conversation with my husband.

When it came to him telling her he would leave me. He never did – and she never asked him to. At the beginning of the affair, he told her he loved me very much and was happy. But later, (as stated here in The Story of the Affair), she started saying things like “I want us to be together” and “I can’t wait to be with you”, and my husband responded by telling her “we’ll be together one day”. He’s always said that in his head he couldn’t see how that would happen… and until this most recent conversation, I hadn’t given the sentence much thought.

I assumed that ATPIT (at that point in time) he wanted to be with her one day. And that when he couldn’t see how that could happen, it was because he couldn’t see further than the situation he was in, married and with a lover. It was all too much to think about. That’s what I assumed he meant.

When I read about how cheating men lie to both their wives and the other woman, it got me thinking. My husband has never said to me “I lied to her about that” or “I was lying when I told her that”… but I figured he must have lied about something, and that’s when this particular thing came into my head. So, I brought it up with him.

I asked him, if ATPIT, when he said “we’ll be together one day” did he mean it? Did he want to be with her long-term? Was it the plan to eventually end up together?

He said, she’d started saying the things I mentioned above, but also things like “I can’t wait until I can show you off as my boyfriend and be able to say See him? He’s my boyfriend” and she also said “I think we’ll be together within the year, but I hope much sooner”. When she said those things, he didn’t know what to say. Leaving me wasn’t an option (ATPIT) but he didn’t have the heart (or the balls) to say “that’s not going to happen”. So he fobbed her off. He admitted that it was a lie. He had no intentions of being with her at all. He spent the entire affair hoping it would fizzle out.

Of course, if you’ve read this blog so far – particularly the story of the affair (see Above), you’ll know that he did leave me. We talked about that again also.

The accepted explanation for that decision comes down to two things. One – he panicked, and two – he couldn’t see further than her ATPIT.

This is a quote from the story of the affair.

On the Tuesday morning, he found out she’d been taken into hospital and in the afternoon she used a different email account to talk to him privately. Until then, all emails were kept either friendly or sexual, because her Husband read them and as far as he was concerned they were simply friends with benefits. He had no idea there were feelings involved. At this point, she went out of her way to sneak behind her husbands back and emailed my Husband to tell him she missed him and loved him. My Husband was overwhelmed with emotion for her and said the same back. He meant it. (ETA – he describes this as his feelings for her multiplied, very fast).

D-Day arrived, and my Husband left for work like any other normal day. I woke after a dream where my Husband’s friend told me my Husband was seeing her. I was upset and rang him to tell him, and then I started checking his phone bill and asking questions. It wasn’t the first time I’d been suspicious – he’d been different with me for weeks, but I was getting closer to finding out. He knew it was crunch time and he had to make a choice. He wanted all the lies and deceit to stop, and all he could think was that he needed to be with her. In hindsight, he looked at everything one-sided. He thought of her, someone vulnerable who needed him. He thought of the way he felt when he was with her, and also the work he loved. He could not see a good outcome if he left her and work, and in addition, he saw the chance of a new life with more freedom – with someone he thought totally understood him. He did not think about life without me, he simply chose what felt more attractive at the time. It was a snap decision he decided to run with, simply because he needed to end the lies.He walked in, gave me the letter and dropped to his knees in floods of tears. My reaction was wholly unexpected to him. He has assumed I would be hurt and angry – angry mainly… but my reaction was total devastation. He realised he loved me, but felt he would look fickle if he ‘changed his mind’. He felt he had no choice but to stick to his decision and he left. He expected to run to her and be relieved the deception was over, but although he still loved and wanted her, he suddenly could not walk away from me.

This is all true, but one thing came to me yesterday. When did he tell her he was leaving me, and how did that go down?

When he realised he had to choose, and had decided to leave me, he sat at work writing a letter. It was a long letter – a whole A4 sheet. He wrote that he had fallen for someone else and had to be with her. He said he didn’t look for it, but that it just happened. And he said, repeatedly, that he needed me in his life, as a friend. I’m not going to sugar-coat it – it was the most painful thing I’ve ever read, and even being the serial sentimental hoarder that I am, once he returned to me, I tore it into tiny pieces and threw it away so I could never relive the pain.

Once the letter was written, he rang her. Until then, no plans had been made… no promises, no nothing. My husband was in his own private hell, and whilst she wanted him to leave me, she had no idea it was coming. He rang her and said “I am going home to tell my wife everything”. She said “Don’t – I’ll ring you back”. I asked if he was worried at that point, that she was going to finish with him, but he was so distraught with everything, he didn’t think about what she was doing. Shortly afterwards, she rang him back and told him that she had come clean to her husband about everything. He said he was leaving there and then to tell me and it was left at that.

Before reading the book regarding the other woman, I questioned how she knew he was leaving me. He said he never said he was – just that he was coming home to tell me everything. But she assumed he was leaving, else why would she tell her husband everything. Surely it would make more sense to wait for the outcome before putting her own marriage at risk? But the book explains it perfectly… and again I urge you to read my last post.

The other woman always assumes the lover will leave one day. Regardless of what the lover says. When he said he was telling me, she assumed that meant either he wanted to leave, or was hoping I would kick him out. She could see no reason why he would tell me otherwise – because to her, if he was telling me for any other reason, it would mean their affair was over.

It always, always comes as a shock to the other woman that the affair is over. Simply because of the assumptions that are made about a future with the lover. Many times the lover fuels the assumptions by making false promises, but even without your husband saying he is leaving, the other woman will always assume that is the end game… and sadly in 97% of cases, the lover does not leave his wife for a happy ever after with his mistress.

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Day 69 ~ Feelings about her

I hate her. I can’t explain to you how much I hate her. It’s all-consuming. I would love nothing more than to see she’d fallen off a cliff somewhere. Well, maybe not… I suppose in that case I’d actually feel pretty sad about how her life had turned out. Wow… may I do have a hint of human feeling for her afterall!

So, I decided I needed to work on hating her less. I feel like it’s something holding me back, and keeping me in a constant state of anger. I read some chapters I had previously skipped in the book about things from her point of view, and also on what kind of woman has an affair with a married man.

I consider myself to be very empathetic. I can identify with most people – I’ve even felt sympathy for some quite awful criminals at times because I tend to think of how they got to being so evil… nobody was born bad. The point is, I was hoping that with a little work I could begin to hate her less, and aim to feel nothing either way for her.

So… I read the chapter: The story of the affair partner. Now, while it studies things from a single woman’s POV, I must say that my husband’s affair partner was married – but in an open relationship. He allowed her to sleep with other men. I don’t know how much she did that – she claimed my husband was the first, which I firmly do NOT believe. But in any case, I think that changes her status somewhat from a married woman, to more like a single woman who lives with someone. Marriage, for me, is not about anything other than being committed to each other, foresaking all others.

So, the chapter looks at the kind of women who do this, and in one part examines the way different women deal with the thought of the ‘wife’ in the equation. My husband and I talked, and he says she was definitely:

The Escapist

To deny the existence of his wife, the affair partner puts the marriage out of mind and out of sight. She never asks questions about his other life. She doesn’t consider any repercussions from their illicit affair because the time she spends with her lover is an escape into an alternate reality.

Quoted from NOT ‘Just Friends’ – by Shirley Glass.

The next part I read was looking at the sort of women who have relationships with married men… part of which describes her to a tee.

A Sexy Veneer

The other woman who is seductive in behaviour and appearance uses sexuality as a way to attract men. She longs for someone who will value her for herself, but her sexual favours are the only personal merchandise she has confidence in. As soon as she seeks a deeper relationship she is rejected by the married lover, who was interested in her only as the playmate she pitched herself to be. She offers the promise of no-hassle fun and games, but then begins to realize that she wants and needs more.

Quoted from NOT ‘Just Friends’ – by Shirley Glass

The one thing I did learn, is that the affair partner never stops to consider the lover / cheating husband, may be lying to her aswell as his wife. It seems that in most cases, she is lead to believe that one day he will leave his wife. What I failed to realise, is that for some – not all, this assumption happens even when the man says he will not leave. My interpretation from my reading, is that a LOT of men promise that one day they will leave their wives… some say maybe… etc etc, but for those who say they will never leave, or worse still, don’t even address the issue… the woman jumps to the same conclusion because of a few factors.

  • She assumes that her lover is willing to put his marriage at risk by having the affair in the first place.
  • She idealizes the affair as the perfect relationship and assumes he sees it the same.
  • She paints the wife (sometimes with the lover’s help) as boring, frigid, plain, ugly and a nag. Why would he have an affair otherwise?
  • Her lover will move heaven and earth for a few stolen hours with her.

The things she does not realise, and what are much more important are.

  • Her lover does not think he is putting his marriage at risk. He assumes he won’t be caught.
  • Her lover may also be idealizing the affair, but once the fog clears, he will realise his marriage is worth a whole lot more.
  • The wife is never what the other woman sees her as. Just as betrayed wives see the affair partner as a homewrecker, neither party can assume to know anything about the true personality of the other woman.
  • Her lover spends a few stolen hours with her, and has to move heaven and earth in order to avoid being caught. He spends weekends, bedtimes and occasions with his wife.

It all makes for quite a sad little situation. In some cases, the other woman is just like you and me. An innocent, good hearted person who fell in love with the wrong man. In my case, she was the person described above. She had an abusive childhood, suffered from self-esteeem issues, and used sex to get what she wanted. Wether she was aware that she was baiting my husband in order to keep him in the long-term I’ll never know… but I’m guessing not. In any case, it helps me to think of her with more sympathy if I see her as a damaged woman who is simply looking for validation.

She met her husband when she was 14. He was 28. This alone tells a story. He was married.

She has slept with (apparently) 4 people. Assuming this to be true, she either had sex with 2 before she met her future husband at 14…. or she has had sex with 2 other people during her time with her husband.

I struggle to believe the number. Whilst she is not the most attractive of women (I said this before my husband had the affair, so I feel entitled to reiterate it :)) she is still a woman, with a decent enough body and an appetite for sex. Men don’t turn that stuff down.

This whole shenanigans lead to a rather interesting talk with my husband. Post to follow.

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Surviving an affair ~ What the cheater must do / How to Recover ~ Checklist

I’ve read alot… we’ve talked alot. We’ve made massive progress, and now I want to make a post about the things that simply HAVE to be present in a relationship if you stand a chance of saving a marriage after an affair.

  1. The cheating spouse has to accept he / she is completely to blame for the infidelity.
  2. No blame should be put on, or felt by the betrayed spouse. Ever.
  3. The cheating spouse should tell the story of the affair – in it’s entirety, right from the day of discovery. Learning new truths later on does immeasureable damage.
  4. The cheating spouse has to be willing to answer each and every question about the affair with 100% openness and honesty.
  5. The cheating spouse has to accept it is not their job to protect their partner from the truth.
  6. The betrayed partner has to feel able – and welcome, to ask any and every question about anything to do with the affair, that they feel they want to know – in most cases, betrayed spouses need to know every minute detail.
  7. The cheating spouse has to realise that they made the mistake and they are responsible for fixing it.
  8. The only person whose needs are important at this point, is the betrayed spouses.
  9. The cheating spouse has to forgive themselves for what they’ve done, and work out for themselves why they did it and how they will stop it happening again.
  10. As a couple, you have to be willing to learn to communicate better to strengthen your bond in the future. (willingness to participate in counselling?)
  11. There can be no contact with the affair partner, ever.
  12. From the day of discovery, any unintentional contact with or from the affair partner should be shared with the betrayed spouse, preferably before they ask.
  13. The cheating spouse needs to be willing to give access to email accounts, cell phones, bills and any other methods they previously used to conduct the affair.
  14. The cheating spouse needs to be transparent about their whereabouts 100% of the time, without being asked. This is the only way to rebuild trust.
  15. The cheating spouse cannot expect to be trusted for a long, long time.
  16. The betrayed spouse must realise that revenge in any form will not make the marriage work. Two wrongs do not make a right.
  17. The cheating spouse must be willing to seek counselling / therapy… both with the betrayed spouse and / or as individuals if the betrayed spouse thinks it necessary.
  18. The cheating spouse must be patient and understand that healing after an affair can take years. There is no quick fix and things never just ‘go back to normal’ without much work… but they can be better than ‘normal’ if you want them to be.

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Day 66 ~ Dealing with opportunity

This blog hasn’t quite turned out the way I intended.

The bottom line is, I set it up thinking I could help anyone finding it, to cope with the aftermath of the discovery of an affair. But in reality it has simply become a blog where I share my feelings and thoughts as I personally deal with the discovery of my husbands affair and I haven’t felt capable of really helping anyone but myself. I still hope it’s worth reading to someone somewhere though. Here’s hoping.

Today, my husband started back at work again. It was work that brought him and her together. The affair surrounded work, and it was after work they slept together.

When he left the work, he had to travel back to her house to pick up his car. This would take between 30 minutes and 2 hours. They would hold hands in the back of the work van sometimes, and she would lay on his shoulder. This was all under the noses of the other people, yet nobody noticed. He would call me when they had left work and usually tell me he was going to sleep in the van so not to ring him. He would then call me again when he got into his car at her house to say he was driving the ten minutes home. Of course, I didn’t know how long it took to get from work to her house – but if I ever questioned it he would say they stopped off for petrol or because someone needed to use the toilet – random and completely valid reasons so I had no cause for concern. Then, when they arrived back at her house, her would get into his car and set off home… but park around the corner until the other colleagues had left. Then he’d go back and have sex with her. He was there around 15-20 minutes each time. Then, finally, he would get back into our car, and call me to say he was on his way home. Flawless. Perfect.

They had sex once before training straight from work, he went to her house, they did it and then they both got into their cars and drove to where they needed to be… and spent the evening exchanging those types of glances. The first time they had sex, and I think maybe another once or twice, he saw her on a lunchtime instead of coming home to me as usual. He would have rang me to say he was too busy to come home and I would let him get on with work instead.

The point is, ultimately, working the job they did provided the perfect chance for him to be ‘missing’ without me noticing. Without that he would have struggled to find the opportunity to physically have the affair.

It was how they met, and got to know each other too… without that there would have been no affair. That’s the bottom line.

So, when this whole thing came to light, I said no contact, so he left work there and then – he knew they would have no problem replacing him. Her husband also insisted she leave. However, she could not leave immediately because her rold was harder to replace. Instead she gave a month’s notice. When work realised they were losing both members, my husband was asked to go back once she had left, and in the meantime they would find someone to replace her. That turned out to be a man (another woman would NOT have been an option). As time went by, the new set-up trained 2 nights a week, and on weekends the old set-up continued to work with her. Of course, it took a whole lot longer than a month. Here we are 9 weeks down the line and tonight is his first night working again. She had her last night last week. I am SO glad she is no longer a part of our lives – or of anyone’s we know. She is history.

It should help. I know… and it should also help that my husband is being hypervigilant when it comes to other women, but the whole working nights thing just brings back so many painful memories for me. and sitting here while he’s in a place filled with women is so, so hard.

If I am honest, I am certain I have nothing to worry about right now. BUT, I worry alot about the future, when things have settled and the affair isn’t the main topic of conversation… and when he allows woman to chat to him again without considering their intentions.  She was a homewrecker – I’ve been told all about her and the way she went after men, and the way she talked about sex. Her opening greeting when meeting a man for the first time, would be something like this: “hiya, pleased to meet you…. bet you’ve got a big cock”. But my husband fell for it. Unbelieveable.

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Hope

Hope is tied to trust, and to predictability. When it is difficult to trust, it is difficult to have hope.

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Day 63 ~ Fear

I look at him, my husband… and I am competely, uttely and totally in love with him. I ache for him, and want to spend every waking moment with him. It’s like we just met and we can’t get enough of each other.

The downside of course is that I feel much, much more frightened of losing him. Meanwhile, he is getting increasingly frustrated that I can’t see inside his head and realise how much he loves me and will never do this again. I believe him, I do… I just don’t trust how gullible and easily lead he is. I trust that he regrets everything, loves me, wants me etc etc and I trust that he never wants to cheat again, and cannot imagine himself cheating again. He says he KNOWS he never will.

My problem is, 4 months ago, he would have said the exact same thing. But then she came along and everything changed. The relationship he had with her, and the feelings he felt made him doubt everything he thought he loved about us… so what’s to stop that happening again? He just says “it won’t”… which I believe for the foreseeable future… but forever is a long time.

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Concentrating on the good.

I thought I would share this with anyone reading because I found it helped me.

I made this list just a couple of days after D-Day. I called it ‘it could have been worse’, because it is a list of things I felt, at the time, that made me realise things weren’t so bad. I was wrong, of course… just because an illness isn’t terminal doesn’t mean it can’t be horrific. The same goes with this. Each of us has experienced a different level of cheating – from an emotional affair, to kissing, to just sex, to the whole nine yards. In every situation, I believe there are things that could have made it worse – things that make you feel marginally better. Make a list of them. Here’s mine.

Warning, some sex stuff ahead.

  1. He told me
  2. He never consciously compared us
  3. Having the affair seriously messed with his head
  4. He never spent a penny on her
  5. He practiced safe sex
  6. He never lied to her about his feelings for me
  7. The affair could have lasted much longer
  8. She instigated it
  9. He did not suffer any withdrawal once the affair was over.
  10. He quickly came out of ‘the fog’.
  11. His feelings for her changed within 2-3 days.
  12. He could not bear to lie a moment longer
  13. He came back 100% and fully committed to doing everything he had to, to save us.
  14. He wanted to not want her
  15. He did not like the way she looked or tasted ‘down there’.
  16. He went soft when she went down on him
  17. He made excuses at times to not see her because she was too demanding
  18. There were times he could not perform
  19. He never thought of her while we were being intimate
  20. She is not more attractive than me
  21. He never brought her into our house
  22. He never slept with her in our bed
  23. He never had sex with her in our car
  24. He never told her he would leave me
  25. He is more confident in bed than he was (a bittersweet bonus…)

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Day 58 ~ Making sense of it

I wrote the story of the affair. I will post it after this entry.

After another evening of talking, I feel like I can summarise, in a way that makes sense to me… the affair as it was.

He fancied her… I find this hard to see… but each to their own.
He liked her and she flirted with him. Yep… I get that.
She talked him into bed with dirty words and by convincing him it was ‘nothing’ as she had an open marriage. Only his naivety and curiosity can be blamed for the decision he made here and I 100% believe that’s what it was.
He felt guilty, but started to also feel guilty/worried about letting her down. He continued to have sex, which he said he could take or leave. I’m not sure how much leaving he would have been happy to do, but I do believe he would have been relieved if she’d called it off at any point in the first 3 weeks because as much as it was fun, it was doing his head in.
He began to care for her – this, to me, is a natural progression and would happen to anyone in this situation. The feeling of not letting her down grew much stronger.
He ‘fell’ for her and made a snap, desperate decision to leave me. He could not ‘see’ a better outcome and had to end the lying.
The second he said the words to me, he realised he’d fucked up, but still felt unable to let her down. There was a big part of him who ‘loved’ her too much to walk away aswell.
Only when faced with my decision to walk away and not take him back, did he realise he HAD to end it, but he was scared to. He put the ball in her court by questioning what they had done and got the result he wanted. I do wonder if he’d have ended it if she had not. In order for this marriage to work, I have to believe he would have got the courage to somehow.
He still missed her at first – again, hurtful, but natural. BUT he quickly saw her in a very different light after hearing things from their mutual friends about her past and the sort of person she really is. This helped him move on emotionally and see his feelings for what they truly were.

Things that also help the healing…
He sees the sex now as sickening because I forced him to imagine me with another man and he’d never thought of it that way before.
He sees her as manipulative and probably would never trust another woman even if she was a good person.
He feels stupid, ashamed and disappointed in himself. He is struggling to forgive himself, though I am helping him to do that because I feel it is an important part of moving on.
He sees my pain daily and it hurts him to know he did this to me. I know this because the tolerance he is showing is evidence of him knowing it’s his fault.
He cares about making amends and he cares about recognising signs in the future.

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Day 56 ~ Trickle truths

Trickle Truths

The term refers to things, facts etc that come out after the initial discovery. I never thought I would be a victim of trickle truths because it was something we discussed and my husband, has always, always maintained he was 100% honest and open and had told me everything.

Day 56.It’s been 8 weeks. Twice as long as the affair my husband had, but pretty much the same as the period of time he spent crossing the line. His ‘friendship’ with her was much closer and more based on attraction and flirting than he realised at the time – we now know.

So, I have cried a lot lately. Things are continuing to be tough. Sunday evening we went to bed for a nap and ended up having a 2 hour emotional talk / row. He got slapped at one point – not something I am proud of, but something I feel may have been long overdue.

When this whole thing came to light, I pleaded with him for the whole truth and he promised and SWORE to me he’d told me everything. But some things didn’t make sense in my head and it’s made it difficult for me to come to terms with it. The bottom line is, he has been trying to convince me that he did not have the affair with her for sexual reasons… or because he fancied her. He has always maintained that the first time happened out of curiosity… and that although he found something intriguing about her, he wouldn’t say he fancied her. He also said that although the relationship was primarily sexual for a couple of weeks before feelings became involved, that he mostly enjoyed her company. But, she wanted sex and that was what her husband accepted them doing together, so that’s what they did.. he made out the sex meant nothing because he didn’t fancy her.

This has been niggling at me… why have a sexual affair if it’s not sex and you don’t fancy the person?

So the talking started and I told him I believed he was lying.. and after some denial, he finally cracked and told me he felt I wouldn’t be able to take the truth because it would hurt too much. Which REALLY pisses me off because we’ve been working through the book and reading alot of stuff about protecting people from the truth and how it isn’t the best thing to do.

Anyway, he admitted that he found her incredibly attractive, sexy and sexual. He said she was a very sexy person, she wore sexy clothes, but that he had no intention to cheat on me with her. He said that if she had not initiated the sexts etc then nothing would ever have happened between them. But once she had, and told him all the things she wanted to do to him, she turned him on – and probably much easier because he was attracted to her. That was when I slapped him. You may think that wasn’t fair given that I asked for the truth, but it CRIPPLED me to hear these things after so long. I thought I was going to be sick. It wasn’t much of a slap anyways, I kinda missed. :-\

This makes perfect sense to me, of course… and had he told me this from day one I wouldn’t have struggled with it as much, because it would have just been something else… but so long after, and all the time the one thing I felt I’d kept in tact was my confidence in the bedroom and with myself physically. Sure, I know she was skinnier, but that meant shit to me. Now I find myself questioning the things I wear, and if he fancies me enough… or if he is just making do because he loves me. My weight issues don’t help.
So, yes… he admitted that initially, it was about sex and although it wasn’t ‘great sex’ … he loved the excitement and how much she wanted him. He did say part of him wanted out of the situation right from the start but could not see how to go about it. The one thing I have learnt is that my husband is a very weak man, and a people-pleaser. His head was so messed up during the affair because although his heart and head was telling him he was doing wrong, he felt too sorry for her and her sob story, to end it. I know how that sounds, but after many, many hours of talking I know he is telling me the truth. He felt he could, and should save her from an unhappy marriage. He saw her as a vulnerable woman who was relying on him. He said he could not let her down.So, we went through hell again, I sobbed my heart out.. and he cried alot – more than ever before… and I felt like for a moment he truly understood the pain he has caused. He’s always said he understood, but I never really bought it.

Then last night, a row erupted over the whole physical thing again. I was looking at clothes online and asking his opinion and he kept saying “wear what you want, I like what you wear” and I said “well, you obviously liked her clothes more, and found them sexier” and he agreed… which made me cry. The unfair bit, is that he only ever saw her while working, so of course she was dressed sexy. He never saw her doing housework or shopping, or first thing on a morning. I am competing with something I can win against. In the end I was nasty and said some hurtful things to him which I later regretted and apologised for. We hugged, kissed and apologised to each other for yet another row. We discuss things a lot, but try to avoid rows where comments get nasty and uncalled for.

Our relationship is good – very, very good… despite the pain, the ‘discussions’ and my low mood… My husband has been patient, loving and reassuring all of the time. It amazes me that he is still tolerating it all so well, because I would have murdered me by now… but he just sees the mess I am in and knows he did this.. and that gives him the strength to carry on – apparently.

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Misconceptions / Facts about Infidelity

This is by no means a comprehensive list… just my own list of things I have learnt while going through this process. It is also personal opinion… if you have any to add, feel free to comment.

Aimed at both parties:

  1. An affair has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with temptation.
  2. Concentrating on what you still love about your partner is a good start.
  3. A lot of damage is done by words said in anger. Take time out to think before speaking. Don’t cause more damage.
  4. Even if both people want the marriage to work, sometimes infidelity is simply too hard to get over.
  5. Affairs can make a marriage stronger, if you both commit to honesty, openness and transparency.

Aimed at the betrayed:

  1. Many, many more people stay in a marriage after an affair than anyone cares to admit.
  2. You never, ever know how you will react until it happens to you.
  3. Forgiving – or trying to, does not make you weak.
  4. People don’t usually have affairs because they’re not getting ‘it’ at home. They are usually not getting ‘it’ at home because their minds are elsewhere.
  5. The revelation of an affair can be just as traumatising to the cheating partner as the betrayed. Clarity is rarely achieved until the affair is out in the open.
  6. Looking at the behaviour your cheating partner has shown since the affair, is a better way to judge them than looking at their behaviour during the affair.
  7. Lying about whereabouts etc during an affair does not make your partner a liar in all aspects of life.
  8. Anyone is capable of making a mistake.

Aimed at the cheater:

  1. The grass is never greener on the other side, unless the grass on your own side is already dead.
  2. While an affair may reveal flaws in a marriage, it is a persons reluctance to fix what is broken that leads to the affair.
  3. You cannot move on with 3 people in the marriage. The affair partner has to go 100%.
  4. God trusts you to do the right thing for yourself without interference, but the devil works hard to tempt you into doing the wrong thing.
  5. The person who really understands you is the person who sees you for better or worse, not the person who sees you only at your best.
  6. Sex is great, but when you’re in your eighties, you’ll need conversation more.
  7. At the point people think they are about to cheat, they probably already are.
  8. Only the person who cheated can fix the marriage, assuming the betrayed wants them to.
  9. 100% honesty about what happened in the affair is the only way to move on.
  10. Choosing to protect someone from the truth is not your decision to make.
  11. Infidelity destroys a person’s beliefs, self-confidence and self-esteem – they won’t only be angry – the hurt and pain will be devastating.
  12. Withholding something is no different to lying.
  13. People love the way the other man / woman looks at them, but they rarely stop to think of how their husband / wife will look at them once they find out the truth.
  14. Having an affair does not make someone a bad person. Good people make bad choices sometimes.

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Day 54 ~ Tattoos and tears

Day 54.

It’s been a rough few days – well, week… I came off my anti-depressants because of the side effects – namely lack of sexual arousal and inability to orgasm (not great when you are trying to rebuild a marriage). Since I stopped, I have realised just how much I need them. I intend to see the GP for a different kind, but until then I am struggling on and I am hoping to improve with counselling.

I went to the counsellor on wednesday and she ‘assessed’ me… she said I scored high for depression and she said a lot of the way I am feeling stems from my problems from childhood. She said the affair has brought out old insecurities, beliefs and fears that I used to have before I was married, and I completely agree with her. I am going on June 3rd for my first real session, then fortnightly from there on.

So yes, the week was tearful… and it’s not been easy. I’ve felt very scared and insecure… I can’t seem to look at him anymore without wondering how long it will be before he drops another bombshell and I lose him. :(

My husband and I went yesterday to have tattoos – he got my name on his ankle. I was really touched that he wanted to do that, because for the past 12+ years he never would. I think he thinks it will help convince me that he is here to stay. What he doesn’t seem to realise is that I don’t doubt his sincerity or his love for me… I doubt his ability to NOT have another affair…. and having my name on his ankle doesn’t give him self control. Still, it means alot to me.

I had my first tattoo ever, it’s only been 15 years since I decided I wanted one :)… it’s a sleeping cat at the top of my back – very small and uneventful, but I like it. I am going to have my husbands name at some point in the near future.

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Day 48 ~ Still surviving

I look at that number… 48 and it stuns me that I am still here… alive. That will sound melodramatic if you’ve never experienced an affair. Before this, I would have expected anger, hurt etc etc and the feeling of betrayal.. of course, but what is the ‘feeling of betrayal‘ ? Well… that’s the part that I find so unreal.

To quote the book:

NOT “Just Friends” – Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity – By Shirley P. Glass Ph.D.

– which, by the way I am not affiliated with at all, but I highly recommend and feel very strongly about – even as good reading material for couples who have not been affected by infidelity – it helps protect your marriage from it ever happening. Anyway, back to my point…

A single moment can change us forever. After you learn that you’ve been betrayed, you think in terms of the time before and the time after. The private calamity of discovering your partner has become someone you don’t recognise and has lied to you as if you were an enemy blows your secure world to pieces. You no longer trust your eyes to see, your brain to comprehend, or your heart to feel what is true.

The journey toward the moment when the affair is revealed is often marked by an awareness that things aren’t quite right. After the affair has been exposed, your uneasiness is replaced by many different emotions. The connection between what you think you know and your sense of reality has been severed. It doesn’t matter whether you were totally in the dark or highly suspiscious beforehand. No matter what the circumstances, your assumptions have been shattered. They lie in ruins at your feet.

This sums it up perfectly, and of course the book explains it in much greater detail. I think the basic point is that you question everything that took place while the affair was going on – in minute detail – and it makes the relationship you had beforehand competely questionable. The time that has passed since discovery day becomes an accomplishment the same as a new relationship is when you hit one week, one month etc… it gives you hope that this might last, and that this might be real… but things are new and uncertain.

It seems odd to suddenly feel that way again, after spending 12 years with someone, but that’s my point – unless you’ve experienced an affair, you really cannot understand how it feels. You can be the most empathetic person in the world, with the greatest imagination, but you still cannot fully comprehend the way an affair destroys your perception of your entire life.

I now think of October 1997 to November 2003 as the time before my internet affair – however good things were, things were inevitably leading up to my infidelity.

Then the time between March 2004 and February 2010 as the time before my husband’s affair… I can’t consider the same time period as an ‘after’ because my husband dealt with my affair by locking it away in a box and refusing to discuss it. Things in our relationship went back to normal and it was forgotten. He has said recently he convinced himself that my feelings for the other man were not real and as a result it didn’t hurt so much. He also did not have to deal with a physical affair, which makes a HUGE difference.

And… the time since March 31st 2010 (D-Day) I class as our relationship now. Post-affair. Complete with the feelings of mistrust, hurt, anger, and insecurity. I have no idea what to expect from the future… if my husband is really sorry and won’t do this again or if I can ever really feel safe again. At times I feel strong and accomplished..  and at times I feel weak and pathetic and a pushover.

My first counselling session is wednesday. I’ll update after.

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Day 42 ~ Relapse

Today has been the worst day for a long, long time. It started this morning when things felt wrong again… before my husband walked in that day, I had felt something wasn’t right for quite a while. He was moody, easily irritated, and seemed annoyed by everything I did. But at other times he was loving and we were as close as ever. We still slept together throughout the time he was sleeping with her, and it was no different. Despite this, something was wrong and I’d even began to question if he was having an affair. Even when I asked him to his face, I didn’t believe it for one second. I would have staked my life on betting my husband wasn’t capable.

This morning I had a complete breakdown and was convinced that something was going on again. It passed… but only after I accused and cried and yelled and was terrified again.

In a way I am more scared of losing him now, than I was before. Partly because I had a taste of it, and partly because things are so good between us now. The overwhelming fear of him walking in again and dropping a bombshell like that is something I am struggling to deal with.

*

This evening, when I thought I had got past the paranoia, it got worse. I was in the shower when hubby came home. He came in from work 10 minutes later than usual saying he’d forgotten something and had had to go back for it. It sparked a feeling I didn’t like, but I pushed it away. Then he came into the bathroom and said he wanted a shower after me, and I flipped. My husband showers on a morning, never on an evening. While he was having the affair, he bathed a few times after work – when he’d been with her. Coupled with him coming home late from work, it was too much. I looked at him with accusing eyes, and he got angry because “all I want is a shower!” and “well I won’t have one then!” and I started to cry, because in MY head, I couldn’t figure why he was being so defensive.

We rowed and I asked him to leave. All I could think was “how am I supposed to know if it’s happening again?” and “how can I believe a word you say?” and “HOW CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS?!”. He said he’d go, but pleaded with me to believe nothing was happening. Eventually, after another long evening of crying, and a bit of shouting, things calmed down and everything was ok again.

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Day 41 ~ I'm lucky

I am lucky.

Because:

My husband is remorseful.

My husband is sorry.

My husband is willing to do anything to make our marriage work.

My husband is happy to read the book with me – NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

My husband and I still discuss the affair, the repercussions and protecting our marriage in future, on a regular basis.

My husband is more than willing to answer any, and all questions I have.

My husband understands I cannot trust him.

My husband is being open, honest and transparent about what he does and where he goes 24/7.

My husband is more affectionate with me.

My husband is patient and comforting when I am in pain.

My husband holds me when I am feeling broken.

My husband, now, tells me the truth – all of the time.

My husband broke off the affair without hesitation (after 36 hours).

My husband agreed 100% to have no contact with her.

My husband changed his mobile / cell number.

My husband quit the band he played in with her without hesitation.

My husband has cooperated with everything I have asked of him in order to recover from this.

My husband accepts full responsibility for his actions.

My husband spent time making sense of his actions for his own benefit, and for mine.

My husband acknowledges that he took me for granted.

My husband says he loves me now more than ever before.

My husband and I are more intimate than before.

My husband and I are closer than before.

My husband is willing to work at our marriage, every day if necessary, for the rest of our lives.

Without these things – or at least most of them, I would be doubting our ability to repair our marriage…. but despite my feelings, doubts and fears, the fact is… my husband could not be more willing to fix what he has done… and for that I am truly thankful.

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Day 36 ~ Falling in love again

It’s been over 5 weeks since D-Day. We went on holiday last week – just for 4 days… and fell in love all over again. It was wonderful… and terrifying all at once.

I realised today I am living in fear. I am relatively happy – well, I go from being blissfully happy to being very depressed, but overall I am content. But, I am terrified and I think I always will be. I was always scared to lose my husband… I always felt our relationship was too good to be true and that he would be taken from me in an accident or something… I never thought I would lose him any other way because I believed in us so much. This affair has proved we are not indestructable, and has proven how naive, gullible and easily led my husband is.. and that no matter how good we are, or how much in love… these things happen. That doesn’t make me feel safe in any way. I feel like regardless of how much we work together to overcome what has happened, and try to prevent it happening again… time will pass, the lessons will be forgotten and one day he’ll meet someone else and do it again.

Right now, it’s fresh in his mind, and we’re working through the most amazing book – “NOT ‘just friends’ ” by Shirley Glass. It has opened our eyes in so many ways to the dangers of getting too close to people outside of our marriage, and how easy it is to cross the boundaries between friendship and an emotional affair. We realised through reading it, that his affair with her lasted longer than the month he told me about… because it had crossed the line into being too close weeks before. They just hadn’t had sex.

I find myself analysing everything he says, everything he does, and even his facial expressions. I wonder if he is lying, wonder if he is sincere, and wonder if his feelings for me are real. My head says he is here for the right reasons, but my heart is so scared of the hurt he caused and terrified to trust. Would you hand your battered heart back to someone who had just stamped all over it?

On top of this, there are two sides to my mindset.

On one side, I look at my husband and I see my best friend. The man I’ve spent 12+ years with, who I trust with all my heart not to lie to me… not to hurt me, and not to ever cheat again. I can say that even now, because I firmly believe he made a stupid mistake and was pathetically naive. I am 100% sure, on this side, that he now knows what he did was stupid and deeply hurtful. I trust him to protect us, and me from it ever happening again. I believe in us, and I think we will always be together.

On the other side, the part that creeps in at some point most days… I see the man who walked in that day and ASTOUNDED me with what he had done, I was/am so shocked at how much he had lied and planned, and every single thing I now know he did… I look at him and it occurs to me how much he did behind my back, and how little that means I really know him – or at least knew him at the time. I question if he is still lying, and how I can possibly ever believe what he tells me… I wonder if he will be as stupid and naive again, and in some ways I expect him to one day walk in and say it again. When I am thinking this way, I assume that I will lose him one day to someone who comes along who is worth his heart.

The trouble is, how to know which is the real him…? I am inclined to say the person who is my soul mate, best friend and life partner… those conclusions were formed from 148 months of knowing him… whereas the other person happened over only 1-2 months. The fact that those months are the most recent is the part that makes it hard… it makes me question if this is him now… and wonder if he has changed and is no longer the person I think him to be.

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What you did.

You made me a victim.
You made memories for me that will haunt me forever.
You put images into my mind that nauseate me.
You made me feel stupid for loving you.
You made me feel foolish for trusting you.
You made a joke of our marriage.
You made those around me, see me differently.
You took away the pride I had in our marriage.
You destroyed the pride I had in my husband.
You put me in a no-win situation.
You threatened my chances of ever being a mother.
You made me feel worthless.
You made me self-conscious.
You shattered any confidence I had.
You kicked hell out of my self-esteem.
You changed the way I view love.
You destroyed my faith in marriage.
You took away my dreams.
You made me feel like I didn’t deserve true happiness.
You made me question your feelings for me.
You placed a question mark against everything I believed in.
You hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt.
You abused my trust.
You failed to take care of my heart.
You made me cynical.
You put an emotional time bomb inside me.
You changed forever my view of you.
You made me doubt your honesty.
You made me question your sincerity.
You took away my security.
Your actions have landed me back on antidepressants.
Your actions have landed us back in a financial mess.
You made me question the last 12 years.
You made my future a terrifying prospect.

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Day 21 ~ People pleasing

That ‘dumph’ feeling that hits your tummy when something painful comes to mind, and leaves you feeling sick… I can do without it. It happens now and then, and sometimes it sticks around for hours.

My Husband told me last night he feels like he’s fallen in love with me all over again, and the funny thing is, I feel the same. Soppy? Absolutely. He and I have been as close as we were 12 years ago before we were married… it’s just lovely… and we’re having a ridiculous amount of sex! We’ve had sex 19 times since D-Day

Today Hubby got the all-clear from the STI clinic… he was visibly relieved, I’m glad it was worrying about it. :)

Tomorrow I see my GP… I am dreading telling her what he did because the support on the trying to conceive front will disappear completely there and then. I am in two minds wether we need marriage counselling… but I KNOW I need individual counselling. I am back on anti depressants as of friday 16th, day 17. Either way, I will be asking for a referral for counselling for me, and for us. I also think my husband needs counselling on his own… some things he has said to me have gobsmacked me in the sense that I don’t understand how he can think that way. In the middle of a deep conversation about how this all began, he confessed that after 2 days of texting and emailing sexual stuff with her, he felt he ‘had to go through with sleeping with her’ because he was worried he’d upset her – she’d feel like he’d messed her around, and – get this, he was also worried about the repercussions of the band situation if he rejected her. Now, to clarify… he wasn’t saying this was the reason…there was the fact he wanted to have sex with her – no denying that one, but in his mind, he felt that he was not in the position to call things off. To me, that is people-pleasing to the extreme – and shows a massive problem with self esteem. I am hoping he will seek some help to make himself a stronger person. He really has issues.

It came out that he fancied a girl at a club one night and had ended up talking to her. He told me this at the same time the affair came out… anyways, when we discussed it, he said she was visibly interested in him, but he did not tell her he was married in case he had read the signs wrong and looked stupid. I told him no girl would come and sit next to him while he was sitting at a table with the band, and talk only to him if she wasn’t interested… and he could not see that. I told him, even if he didn’t want to jump to conclusions and say he was married, or not interested, he should have made excuses to leave the conversation. He said he wouldn’t want to be impolite or upset someone.WTF? His naivety (sp?) astounds me. I said… all he needs to do is say, “well, nice meeting you but I need to go ring my wife” or even go to the bathroom… ANYTHING OTHER THAN TALK TO HER OUT OF POLITENESS. He doesn’t seem to realise that sends the wrong messages. he will though, I’m going to go on at him till he spots it a mile away. Bloody men!!

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Day 20 ~ Pain

Day 20.

It’s been a pretty good day. The weekend overall was pretty good… last night was great in fact. I finally truly believe he loves me and wants to be here. He went wayyy out of his way last night to help me when I broke down AGAIN. I love him so much… but hell, this pain is ridiculous… I can’t even tell you how much it hurts to think of the affair… from the first text to the last phonecall, it cripples me… and maybe moreso because of how things are now… we’re wonderful together. It’s like a honeymoon period all over again. I know it won’t last, but it feels like we’ve both realised what we have in each other, and that’s pretty valuable. x

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Day 18 ~ Feeling needy

Weekends are good. My Husband is here and constantly reassuring me and loving me. This morning though, I had a horrible nightmare and woke up crying… but at least he was there :)

Last night we had more issues… it’s a daily thing. We never fall out, and it rarely gets any worse than a few frustrated words… we haven’t yelled in over a week. I feel like WE are making progress, but *I* … maybe not so much. I still want to kill the bitch who slept with my husband and I STILL cannot believe he did this.

Today we’re going shopping for holiday things, I am trying to be excited about it… and in a way I am, but I’m dreading it too… don’t really know why x

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Day 17 ~ Wedding rings

So, day 17.

Last night was another emotional talk, some yelling, lots of crying on my part. It sometimes feels like the pain will never go away.

I suddenly had a thing about our wedding rings so I took mine off and asked him to do the same… he was NOT amused. We can’t afford new rings – I’ll get to the money issues in a minute… but the thought that he wore it while he was in bed with her making me want to vomit. The killer of it is we got new wedding rings for our tenth wedding anniversary, nearly 2 years ago. They were not cheap and have diamonds in them too. The bottom line is we’ll be ringless for a very long time if we don’t wear those. So, this morning I decided that I’m taking Hubby’s ring to the jeweller to be cleaned and polished to look like new… and then he will wear it again. I don’t know how I feel about mine. Part of me thinks he blew the vows, so whats the point, and part of me thinks ‘for better or worse’ is part of the vows and this is the worse. I’m not sure… but I don’t like not wearing it, so I’ll end up with it back on anyway I think.

Money… nightmare. We were on the verge of being penniless before this… but now he’s had to quit the band for between 6 and 8 weeks, the overdraft is going to have to be used for over a year – so more charges to add aswell… and it’ll go over our £1000 limit at times. We had only had a £400 limit for the past 2 years – and never used it… so we increased it to tide us over for a couple of weeks while he wasn’t working… and now it’s just getting longer and longer before he’ll be earning the extra wage again. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. Hubby just keeps saying “sorry”. Yeah, I KNOW. ack.

Today, I felt for the first time like I could do something other than wallow and feel like shit. I did the accounts, and I’m planning to sort out the spare room so I can start sorting our clothes for our holiday in 10 days. I am usually a super organised person, but my heart has not been in it at all… the holiday I was so excited for, feels like I won’t be able to breathe while we’re there and I am constantly scared we have a bad time and there’s no escape.

I feel like this everyday when waiting for Hubby to come home from work. I think it’s partly because I am facing the fact I have NO idea what is going on in his head, ever… so I half expect him to walk in and leave me again, and partly because I have no idea what my emotions are going to do… and the repercussions of that. The reality is that I am way, way happier when my Husband is here, but I forget that every morning when I wake up. Today, he finishes work at 3 and we’re heading to the beach with the dog. I like normality.

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Day 15 ~ Jumping to conclusions

It’s like living two different lives.

In the day, I struggle to do… anything…. and spend alot of time writing down my thoughts, reading stuff online to help me deal with the affair and just… try to exist. Some days are better than others, but everyday I find myself questioning everything, doubting everything and wondering if we’ll survive this.
In the evening I lay pretty much every second in my Husband’s arms feeling like we can conquer anything and there is no way we can fail. We are having sex most days… it’s amazing sex. Better than it’s ever, ever been… and he is loving and lovely and reassuring and pretty much perfect. He even resists the urge to kill me at 3 in the morning when a question pops into mind and I feel the need to wake him up and have an hour long discussion about it. He is amazing me with his patience… not to say he shouldn’t be patient, after all, he caused all of this… but I never had him down as someone who could tolerate this. But he does so, and seems perfectly happy to. We are lighthearted, and we laugh alot… things feel better than they have in years… if it wasn’t for the black cloud that hovers above, my life would be pure bliss.
I keep doing this cycle of feeling like I have conme to terms with it… then something silly happens, like a girl on the TV is called the same as her… and I realise it’s still painful. I threw together a CD the other night of old stuff we used to listen to when we first met – on it was ‘Invisible Touch’ by Genesis… we listened to it when we went to the beach monday night… some of the lyrics..

She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart.

I don’t really know her, I only know her name
But she crawls under your skin, you’re never quite the same, and now I know
She’s got something you just can’t trust
It’s something mysterious
And now it seems I’m falling, falling for her.

She don’t like losing, to her it’s still a game
Though she’ll mess up your life, you’ll want her just the same, now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
And now it seems I’ve fallen, fallen for her.

I spent the whole time it was on, thinking it HAD to be making him think of her… and I felt sick because of it. Skipping the track was, of course an option but I figured if he HADN’T been thinking of her, I’d look stupid. Afterwards, he said “it always reminds me of you, that song”.

Just shows, I know nothing.

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Day 14 ~ Doing okay

We are doing good.. I’m not saying it’s easy, normal or even happy…. though at times it is all of those things. I’m still questioning, doubting and being terrified… we talked last night and he said I had absolutely nothing to worry about regarding his feelings for me or him wanting to be here. I believed him. It doesn’t stop me doubting myself as a wife or worrying he’ll do it again.

One thing that was discussed though, was that he never expected anything like the reaction he got when he walked in that day. He said he expected anger… and he got none. He said the look of horror on my face still haunts him and he got an awful shock seeing the pain he’d caused. I must admit, my reaction still astounds me… my body gave up on me in so many ways, it was kind of pathetic.

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Day 13 ~ Miscarriage

Our pregnancy is over. The test this morning was negative.

Edited later to add: The baby’s heartbeat stopped at approx 8 weeks along, and my body stopped producing hCG – hence the negative pregnancy test. I held onto everything until the middle of May when I finally had the actual miscarriage and found out how far on I had been.

The timing means that I was pregnant the whole time my husband was having his affair. The stress of D-Day may or may not have been the cause of the pregnancy failing, but can’t have helped. Something else to ponder and be sad and angry about.

RIP little one. xxx

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Day 12 ~ Pregnant

Irony

We started trying to conceive in September 1999. We’ve had major problems…infertility and recurrent miscarriage.

Today, I found out I’m pregnant. I don’t know how far… but chances are I conceived after the affair. We had sex while he was having the affair, but the last time was a week before D-Day. The test I did was faint, so I’m not yet 4 weeks anyway… I don’t know if I will keep this baby… the doctor says every pregnancy has a chance, no reason to believe I’ll miscarry again… but this is our 6th pregnancy so… who knows.

After yesterday, I was feeling super frail, insecure and terrified that it’s only a matter of time before my Husband walks again. I’m unsure of his feelings now, and I don’t know how to believe he loves me. I’ve never, ever doubted his feelings for me before.. it’s all new, and so very frightening.

But, this morning when I walked into the bedroom with my positive test, my Husband’s joy told me alot. He was overjoyed. He held me and kissed and stroked my hair, and I believed 100% that he wants to be here, with me… and hopefully our baby.

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Day 11 ~ Not in love

I am no longer struggling with the 3 things I listed on my last post. The last few days have been up and down, but we are getting there. I’m not saying things are better – sometimes they feel 100% better, and sometimes it feels like I will never ever get over this. Overall though, we’re still close, still loving and still making love. We’re happy… as strange as that sounds. I feel like I am feeling pretty good about the whole thing… that is, until this morning. Hubby had a major wobble… saying he didn’t know if I was the one, and if he was in love with me.

I was right back there, my legs went from under me, I was shaking… sobbing, and well… I was a mess. And as stupid as it sounds I went into beg mode. I have so not begged at any point during all this. I have come close… I have probably got so far as borderline begging… but never actually pleaded. Today I pleaded. My husband sat on the floor and sobbed. I refused to let him walk away from me again, so I sat him down, tried to compose myself and made him talk to me. I finally got it out of him that he is questioning his love for me because he had the affair. He doesn’t get how a man in love with his wife can do that… so I told him how many stories I’d read online about just that… affairs aren’t about love, or lack of.. they are about issues / weakness etc etc. It also came out that he worries the things he’s asked of me – namely the freedom thing, he thinks will make me unhappy, so he was also questioning if that meant we weren’t right together. I am in complete disagreement… and I told him… I know the freedom thing will work – it’s way overdue. He’s just never asked for it before.

Anyways, in the end he felt better about everything – in fact, I’d say ‘at peace’… his demeanor changed and his smile suddenly looked real – where I hadn’t realised before it was strained, I can now see it was. He said the love thing has been bothering him since we got back together. I asked him 101 questions about his feelings for me and it was just that one thing… why would he cheat if he loved me… in every other way he said he knows he loves me and wants me forever. I’ve since found stuff online to show him… and he feels better about it. I, on the other hand got terrified again and hurt again and generally felt sick all day. How am I supposed to know what he is genuinely feeling??

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Day 8 ~ Struggling

Today, we are onto Day 8. I am still here. My Husband is still here… and we are together.

What does all this mean? I’m not sure… but I found an article that listed the ways you know your husband is truly sorry and regrets cheating. He fits the bill on everything… everything. Does it help any? Not really….

I am struggling with 3 things.

1, He engaged in sex talk with her via text and email without thinking twice. When I have initiated this sort of thing in the past, he is uncomfortable with it. Although I never took it to the extreme like she did.
2, He made the decision to leave work that day – March 3rd, and drive to her house for sex.
3, He left me. He didn’t come home and ask for forgiveness.. he just left me.

I can’t say with any reasonable certainty if I would have resisted #1 had I been in that situation with someone I liked. Harmless flirting is something that you are convinced will stay harmless, but rarely does.
When it comes to #2, I am certain I would not have had sex with someone else. I think if I had engaged in #1, I would probably have gone home and had better sex with my husband, right or wrong though that may be.
#3… the worst one. I said this morning how different I would be coping now, had he come home remorseful and wanting forgiveness, but he didn’t… for 36 hours he ‘thought’ he wanted her more than me. It was only when I took the ‘me’ option away did things suddenly become clear for him.

I understand how easy it is to be blinded by something. I’ve been there. When I left my Hubby 6 years ago it took 5 days for me to realise what I had, not 36 hours. I should be able to cope with this, but it’s the one thing that is fuelling my insecurities.

I broke down last night, in a sobbing crumpled mess on the floor. He held me so tight I thought I might stop breathing… and he cried with me and kept saying he was sorry. I want to be able to stop doing this ‘breakdown’ thing, but it comes from nowhere and hits me. He was patient, as always…. as well he should be.

Today is the first day I have had to myself. I’ve spent the morning listening to music… music that makes me remember things and makes me cry… music that lifts me and makes me hopeful.. and music that echoes the confusion in my head. I love music… it brings clarity.

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Day 7 ~ Sex

Things have been… good? That seems such an abnormal thing to say… but hey, if I can’t be honest what’s the point?

So, we have spent 4 days talking, crying, making love, and yelling. At times I have felt closer to him than ever before, and at times I have felt like the pain of it all will kill me. We’ve had the best sex we’ve had in our entire relationship. No lie.

When it comes to the sex, every part of me in repulsed by what he did, but he’s still the man I love and I have been the horniest I’ve EVER been… go figure…

We’ve talked, and talked, and talked, and talked… Each 24 hour period could be broken down like this – 8 hours sleeping (him… I manage 1-2 hours sleep a night and the rest lying awake.) 2 hours having sex or being sexual (at least),  4-5 hours talking and asking questions, probably an hour arguing.. and the rest doing normal stuff like watching tv. He’s also been out everyday because one of the things he said he’s never been happy with in our marriage, is how much I need him to be with me ALL of the time… so we’re working on that.

We’ve read some stuff… mountains of stuff really… on how to survive an affair.. how to rebuild trust.  The internet is such an amazing thing. We’re going to my GP in 2 weeks to ask about counselling, but until then we have steps we’re working through. The first being that I need ALL the details… I didn’t need the net to tell me that. I think in life there are people who need to know, and people who don’t… and I have always been a need to know.

So, over the weekend, I have asked every question imaginable, and some would probably shock you… I now know everything from the timing, the amount of texts he sent her (courtesy of his phone bill), what colour her bedding is… what they did in bed, in detail… and the silly thing is, I can confidently say it’s been talked about so much it doesn’t give me the pain in my belly anymore. I can talk about him having sex with her and it does nothing to me… not today at least.

WARNING – GRAPHIC DETAILS AHEAD.

It helps that he told me he went soft while she was giving him a blowjob, and that he gagged on her ‘down there’ because it tasted so bad. He repeats over and over that it was not about sex and that sex with me is, and always has been better.

GRAPHIC DETAILS OVER :)

I’m not 100% that he will never lie to me again, but he never lied to me before so I have to trust him. I will always question him and be more aware of things from now on though.

He’s booked an appointment at the STI clinic this morning for a full check… yes, I know we had sex already, but I asked him to do it anyway. He’s going tuesday. He told me he used condoms and had no accidents or anything.. so fingers crossed I guess.

We’ve been 1000% more affectionate and close.. and there’s not an hour goes by he doesn’t say he’s sorry. He went really quiet yesterday and I thought he was thinking of her… when I asked, he looked at me with a real sadness in his eyes and said “I just can’t believe I did this to us”

In other news, the homewrecking slut, has shown her true colours. The band members have told him stories he never wanted to hear – how she’s tried it on with every previous member of the band… how she likes to send dirty texts to anyone and everyone… My Husband is slowly realising he was taken in (very, very easily) by a manipulative sex addict. At one time he said he wanted to go round just to chat… he enjoys her company… but she wouldn’t talk until they’d had sex. He said at times she rang him and he made excuses not to go because he didn’t want to have sex and that was all she wanted.

It hurts that if given the chance, he’d have preferred to lay in her arms and talk… but I’m dealing with it.

The one thing I can say is that I know his is full of remorse… knows what he nearly lost, and is doing everything possible to fix it. I can’t ask for more.

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Day 6 ~ The story of the affair – Version 1

This post is my way of describing what happened with my husband and her, in a matter-of-fact kind of way.

My husband, after 12 years of being pretty much controlled by me in every area of his life… and possibly even bored from lack of intimate affection and too many ‘pecks’ found himself attracted to another woman. This isn’t unusual in itself.. it happens. It has happened before apparently, but he turned her down.
This time, he fancied a woman, who not only fancied him back, but made it her intent to get him into bed… regardless of the fact he was married. She denied I even existed in her head – he said it would not have happened had she met me. I’ll never know that part.
The timing wasn’t great, but it wasn’t relevant either. Suddenly my husband, with whom I have had a close, loving relationship with for going on 13 years, was being heavily, and sexually flirted with by this woman. She sent him the sort of texts that I have never sent him, and intrigued him so much he found himself wanting to sleep with her. His curiosity, for me… is not an excuse, but is natural given the circumstances.
She was relentless, but in reality, she may not have had to be… he may have gone willingly without the 2 days of constant sexual innuendo.
The day he slept with her… he may have considered me briefly… but if so, he put me right at the back of his mind to allow himself to do what he was about to do. He slept with her. He came, but the sex was not good.
He went back to work and was consumed by guilt, BUT as the days passed and everything was fine with me and there were no repercussions, his guilt faded. The woman continued to pursue him. He was weak… probably excited and found the whole thing thrilling and new. He slept with her again, and again – but found himself wanting her company the most. She, on the other hand wanted the sex most, so he obliged – but not always – sometimes he found her demanding and couldn’t face time with her. He wanted to talk, to have a friend in her… and he got that, after sex.
The sex at times repulsed him. He found her boring, and at times a compete turn off. The excitement and newness saw him through mostly, but at times he could not perform. Despite this, the friendship and closeness between them grew, and he began to like her more than he should – again, naturally. He suddenly found he had something HE was in control of, and was having the time of his life. When he was with me, he pushed the thoughts of her and what he was doing away…. and when he was with her, he never thought of me for a split second. He was enjoying himself. When he was with neither of us he found himself wanting her and it confused him. He did not stop to think of the reasons – possibly because he saw me everyday, and possibly because his relationship with her was such a thrill. He assumed she must mean more to him than I did.
4 weeks passed, I became suspicious and the stress began to show in his behaviour. I was forcing him to put his two seperate worlds side by side and realise what he was doing. He continued to lie to me – and himself… and refused to consider the consequences. He ‘fell’ for her further, and she drew him in. She spoke of love and a life together, and he did too.. though possibly not with the same enthusiasm…. He could picture it though – more freedom to live life and do things, more money etc. It appealed to him, because it was new and exciting, much like a life with Matt had appealed to me.
The morning of D-Day, He knew I was closing in. The woman had been ill in hospital for 2 days and he found his every thought consumed by her. He could no longer lie to me, but how could he give her up? He couldn’t. The intensity of his feelings, the excitement of it all etc had clouded his thoughts and made him believe he would have a better life with her. He made a snap decision and ended our marriage. He told me everything – and some things he said to convince himself he was doing the right thing, because in his heart it didn’t feel right.
He expected a screaming fit, possibly violence… but he got a broken woman whose life he had destroyed. He walked away.
Within minutes of driving away, his plan of running into his mistress’s arms and being free of the wife and guilt…. didn’t happen. He found himself lost and missing me. This shocked him. He was also torn apart by the pain he had caused – something he had not expected.
He came back to talk, but once he was back in his marital home with the safety and security of me and our marriage, he once again was torn between his two lives. He could not imagine a life without her and was tormented by his feelings for her. He left and went to see her.
Things already felt different. He was certain now they had rushed into decisions and hurt people. She had a black eye from her husband, and it tugged at his heart strings.
He once again came home, where he found some of the anger he’d expected earlier in the day. It made him feel a little better, but inside his head was a huge tangled mess.
In the night, I went to him… devastated and lonely. He held me and he realised he could not ever live without me. Now he had two women he would not live without. We made love. I cried.
The following day, he went to work and avoided talking to her. He talked to me alot and his head started to make sense of everything. But still, the thoughts of this woman would not leave his mind. He felt unable to let her go… he arranged to meet her for coffee after work. They talked, she asked him to sort out a flat for them to move in together, but my husband was having his doubts. He started to question his ‘love’ for her and wondered if it was in fact infatuation.
It was at his point, his options took a turn for the worst. I told him I would not forgive him or take him back. His world collapsed around him. His only thought was that he’d lost his wife. He felt helpless. He came round to talk again.
He made promises he couldn’t keep – he wanted to, more than anything… but everytime he said to me that things would be fine and we’d be together forever, she popped into his head. It all became too much, and once again ripping my world in two, he walked away.
He drove away from our house, only yards before stopping to call her. He knew it had to be over. He knew it was me he wanted. He asked her if they were doing the right thing, but gave her the impression he thought they weren’t. She agreed. 15 minutes later, he walked back into our home and said the nightmare was over.
The following day, he quit the band where he worked with her, and then things started to fall into place. He heard she was calling him names and he was shocked. He began to see the woman he’d fallen for in a different light. We talked for hours everyday for 4 days. At times we were so close and loving it was bliss. Bliss with the added torment of what I was going through in my head… the pain and hurt ever raw…

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Day 5 ~ Visiting family

Overwhelming Emotion: Hope

We spent the day visiting my Husband’s family. They all know what he did. It was not an easy day at all, but had to be done. I found myself looking at him often and wondering how the hell he did what he did. All the lying, all the sneaking around. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust anything he ever tells me again. Despite the day we had, the evening was lovely… close and loving and I am determined to make this marriage work.

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Day 4 ~ Fear

Overwhelming Emotion: Fear

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Day 3 ~ No contact

We woke up this morning and immediately he put his arms around me and said he loved me. We spent 5 hours laying in bed talking… but it is incredibly hard.

He is being very affectionate and loving… and I think he is sorry… he says he is, but on the other hand he is acting so relaxed about it all it’s like he’s forgot it ever happened… he says he’s just glad he realised and didn’t lose me…. I want things to be good again of course, but part of me wants to keep yelling in his face “do you have any idea what you’ve done, you lying, cheating piece of shit!

He said if I need to scream at him I could… but here’s the worst part…. I feel so much like I am trying to be a better wife… like it’s my fault, even though I know it isn’t. We got in the car tonight to go to the supermarket for food, and I put an old dance cd on – mainly because any songs with love lyrics at the mo are a nightmare… (didn’t realise till now how many lyrics go in the direction of cheating and leaving people)… and he said “I really don’t like this crap, can we listen to something we both like?” … now, we’ve always agreed that I can listen to my stuff when I’m in the car because he’s in the car 90% of the time without me anyway so he listens to his stuff then… but because earlier in the day he’d told me her CD collection was almost identical to his. I felt like I should be more considerate and put some chart stuff on instead. Afterwards while he went into the shop, I sat thinking… hang on, who did wrong here?!?! But that seems to be the way I am feeling… not wanting to scream and cause a scene, but keep the peace… because I am so, so scared he thinks he’s made a mistake coming back and walks away.

I told him all this when we got home – opened up and said I feel like I was the one who cheated and I need to make it up to him, and he says it’s stupid, but he has no clue what’s going on in my head and how crippling it is to think of all the things he’s done and told me.

This afternoon I told him the only way forward was with NO CONTACT. This meant leaving work, as soon as possible, and giving me access to all his email accounts and mobile phone records. He agreed. He rang his manager to tell him he would do this weekend then leave, but she had already handed in her notice. The long and short of it is that she is working another 6-8 weeks, then he will rejoin along with her replacement. This means losing in the region of £1000. Fabulous. He was willing (with my permission) to work with her for a few weeks, just for financial reasons, but she refused. I was relieved. She also passed on a message asking him not to contact her, which was fine by us, of course. Though I wish he’d initiated that part.

I wanted him to change his mobile phone number, but instead we swapped numbers so she doesn’t have his number and if she rings or texts , she’ll get me… though I doubt she will.

He is doing everything I’m asking of him, and he is saying sorry over and over… but it’s like an endless nightmare and my body isn’t coping either… I’m struggling to eat and when I do my stomach feels appalling. It’s like having a stomach bug.

I am certain we’ll be ok, but part of me feels like if he can do it once he’ll do it again – only time will tell I suppose, but the thought of ever going through this again is so frightening, because there is no way I could even begin to forgive him again. It’s all such a mess, I still can’t believe he did it… any of it.. and the worst bit is I know he is still thinking about her, because I know how long I thought about my other man.

I asked him to go to the STI clinic… partly for peace of mind (even though he says used condoms), and partly for humiliation.. and he has agreed to go. He knows he’s got alot of hassle coming from the family etc, My sister is going ballistic over it all… so I think he understands to some degree at least, what he’s in for… yet he is still here, and repeatedly tells me he’s made the right choice.

When it comes to his feelings for her, he hasn’t lied to me… he told me today that he is still missing her, but that it’s getting better. I can’t expect him to turn off everything instantly, although I’d love him to… I just hope he gets over her sooner rather than later.

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Day 2 ~ Waiting

The next morning when he woke up and smiled at me, I felt that I’d gotten him back. He got up for work and had a shower. Then we talked, and it was obvious nothing had changed. He said he could not, and would not live without me. But he said he could not do that until he’d gotten her out of his system. he left.

The thought processes are odd. I felt no anger – maybe I would if I didn’t understand so well how he was feeling. I felt that if I let him go, eventually he would come back. Part of me was 100% certain that it was a mistake and he’d realise… but part of me was scared to death that he didn’t actually love me at all, and this really was the end.

At lunchtime, he came home from work and we talked again. He said he was certain that he was meant to be with me… but couldn’t get her out of his head. He said he missed her, all the time. He said they had a connection he’d never known before, like they were seperated at birth or something… they could finish each others sentences and stuff. He was fascinated by her personality and how like him she was. He said her CD collection was his, almost exactly. He said it was never about sex.. but because the arrangement with hubby Steve was a sexual one, he took it because that was the only way to spend time with her. He said he hadn’t always been able to perform (:)). He said he longed always just to be with her, in her company. I began to think he’d confused friendship with love… but he put me right when he told me that holding her hand, cuddling and kissing her was the best feeling in the world. Writing that makes me want to vomit.

I told him then, that he had to be with her. I told him I was certain he’d realise quickly… once there was no more sneaking around and excitement, that the grass was not greener. He said I was probably right, and he asked if I could give me the weekend with her ‘to see if it works’. Stupidly I agreed and he left.

Around early evening, after a long conversation with one of my lovely friends… I came to my senses and realised that I had pretty much permitted him to sleep with her and ‘love’ her all weekend while I sat waiting for see if he would want me in the end. So I rang him and told him I could not have him back under any circumstances. I was lying… or calling his bluff, however you choose to see it… I wanted to force him to make a choice based on what he already knew of us both… not about what could be with her. I deserve better.

He immediately broke down saying he couldn’t live without me and “please don’t do this”. He said already his feelings towards her had changed, and I said, “what? overnight?” and he replied that everything seemed so much clearer after some sleep. He had met her for coffee after work and he said he didn’t even want to kiss her. I asked him why he wasn’t actually with her then (it was 7pm) and he said she’d gone to the cinema with her husband because she’s trying to keep the peace. I asked why she’d want to do that because I thought she was leaving him, and he said “she is, but she has nowhere to go”.

He continued to beg… saying that everything he said on D-Day was stupid and impulsive and he did it because he didn’t think it was fair to ask forgiveness. I told him I wasn’t interested… but of course I was. Him saying those things was exactly what I wanted to hear… but I couldn’t be sure. I told him there was nothing he could do, and put the phone down.

About an hour passed and I was thinking about everything and figured some more talking wouldn’t be a bad thing. I wondered if anything had changed for him after the phonecall, and if he would indeed do anything to have me back or if it was just him being scared to walk away and start again.

He came round and everything seemed to go well… he said no matter what happened, we were going to be together… that he would get her out of his head… we cuddled, I cried, he kissed me and held me and apologised over and over and over. Then, just when I started to feel like we were getting somewhere, something changed on his face… he got up and said “I can’t do this while I still have feelings for her” He got up, apologised again and said he had to go. I told him that was it then… I took his phone off him to look at the messages they’d shared earlier, and he’d called her ‘nugget’ affectionately – like a pet name… which totally blew my mind… the next thing his phone was hurling across the room and hitting the wall, and he’d pushed me onto the sette, screaming “what did you do that for?!?!” That was it for me… I was sooo angry that he’d reacted that way – I saw it purely as me destroying his precious lifeline to her, and I kicked him out.

Minutes after he left, I texted him “you can come tomorrow and pack your stuff. Tthe way you spoke to her with affection in your text, yet treat me like shit me tonight, has given me all the answers I need. This is over…April 1st… I hope you can live with your decisions.”

I sat and sent some messages on Facebook, cried a bit, and then got ready for bed. Just as I was getting ready to go I heard a car pull up.  The next thing the door knocks and my husband was stood there. He was back, it was written all over his face. Something had changed… clicked into place, or something. He said “I’m so, so sorry” and for the first time he looked like he meant it. He said he’d made the biggest, most stupid mistake of his life. He came in and I asked him what had changed …  he said he’d left here to go back to his Sisters and realised he’d messed everything up and he needed to come home. He apparently then rang her and said “this isn’t going to work” and she said “I know”. He told her he is leaving the band after this weekend and is going to do everything he can to be with me.

We went to bed. We talked alot… something in me felt I’d got a part of my husband back. He didn’t seem so much of a stranger anymore… he fell asleep and I laid awake wondering how he’d feel in the morning.

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Day 1 ~ D-Day

Us

I married my husband in 1998. We had been together for nearly 8 months when I walked down the aisle… and only 6 months after I left my previous relationship. He was the one. I had no doubts whatsoever…

I was his ‘first’ but he wasn’t mine. I liked that – not that I’d had my fair share of blokes… but that he didn’t have loads of exes… I am a naturally insecure person and not having to think about him with other women was a lovely feeling. I did worry that he was marrying the first girl he’d slept with, but we were so in love I thought it wouldn’t matter.

In june 2008, my Husband and I celebrated 10 years married. We wrote new vows for each other and printed them out for each… because we couldn’t afford to renew them properly. We also got new wedding rings, each with a diamond set half heart. We were soul mates, destined to be together… and always, always happier than any couple I knew.

D-Day

I never dreamt this could happen. Not to me… not to us. But this is my account of D-Day – Discovery Day… the day I found out my Husband of nearly 12 years, was having an affair. March 31st 2010.

I’d been slightly suspicious for a few weeks, but only in the sense he started that I had noticed he’d started to shave everyday without fail, wear aftershave etc… sometimes came home from work late and was slightly ‘offy’ with me. At one point I joked that he was having an affair – because, as I said “you’re ticking all the checkboxes”… he had laughed and I had NO idea I had hit the nail on the head. I really had NO clue he was doing anything – I would have bet my life on it.

There were 2 major arguments that had happened. The first on March 10th, when I found a bag in the boot of the car with toothpaste, a toothbrush, handwash alcohol gel and mouthwash. I’d picked it up and asked him if there was something I should know. It was an innocent question but his face was guilty as sin which took me by surprise. I immediately jumped at him “what the fuck?” thinking, maybe, just maybe… something was going on. We had a blazing row.. he pushed me, he screamed at me… and doors were slammed. It was a much-worse-than-usual argument. I was distraught. In the end I believed him when he said he’d had bad breath at work and hadn’t had time to come home. He said he was aware people had noticed.

The second row, was March 21st. He came home after work at 2am ish and I wanted to have sex with him. He said he was too tired, so I set about ‘seducing him’ which always, always works. He started to touch me, and I assumed it was a green light, but then he flatly turned me down when I tried to move things on. He said he was too tired and wasn’t interested. I was heartbroken. That might sound silly, but he’s never turned me down that way before. I slept in the spare room and he let me – again a first. I wondered if he had fallen out of love with me and cried all night.

The next night we rowed over the whole thing and he accused me of being too demanding. We made up and had amazing sex together. In the middle of it I started to cry and asked him if there was someone else. Something felt ‘odd’… ‘wrong’… I don’t know. He kissed me and told me I was the only one. I was relieved.

In the following week, the ‘you’re having an affair’ thing, became a kind of going joke. I remember saying to him.. “seriously babe, if this list is anything to go by, you’re seeing someone else” he laughed. I was disturbed, but I still had no idea.

When my husband walked into the house at 1pm on wednesday March 31st, holding a letter, in floods of tears saying “you were right” I had the biggest shock of my life.

My reaction was not what I ever imagined it would be. The letter was thrust at me, and he broke down on the floor in front of me. I started screaming “are you leaving me?!” over and over because my first thought, regardless of what he’d actually done, was that I was going to lose him – my everything. He sobbed and wouldn’t answer, just kept saying “read the letter” but I continued to scream the question frantically searching for some reassurance.

Then he said it.. “yes”.

“WHO?!?!” Was my next question… and he said her name. It was the woman I had worried about when he joined his new band at the start of February… the one I had cried about because I was so scared that he and her would fall in love. Friends thought I was mental for even thinking it… but there it was… and when I tried to scan the long letter I had in my hands, the only words I could make out were “fallen for her” “need to be with her” “always love you”.

That was it…. I started to run and got to the bathroom but my legs literally went from under me and I sat there in a crumpled heap on the floor wailing like an injured animal and making noises I didn’t know I could make. Utter devastation. There was no anger… just agonising pain. If someone had handed me a knife there and then, I have absolutely no doubt I’d have used it on myself. I’ve never, ever known pain like that. Miscarriages, deaths… nothing in comparison.

My next thought was that I had to find out the whole thing from him and see if there was any part of him willing to walk away from her. I know… it’s not what you’d expect to feel, but my overwhelming feeling was that of being desperate to stop him walking out – especially knowing where he’d be heading.  My first question was of course, “did you sleep with her?” to which he said he had – at first he said only twice, but then confessed to it being 12 times. Thinking of him with her sexually brought on another run to the bathroom where I came close to throwing up. I could no longer see anything in front of my eyes, my head was spinning and my limbs were numb. I felt like a stranger was sitting in front of me… nothing felt real.

In the minutes and hours that followed, he made it very clear that we were done. He cried and wailed even… a little like me at times, but ultimately he wasn’t budging. He said he loved me then as much as he always had… but that he couldn’t imagine a life without her. The pain went on and on and felt like I’d never be able to breathe again without making a concious effort to orchestrate each breath… and then, just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore he said “we’re going to get a flat…” and I realised he was really going.

I think it was around this time that my fertility thing popped into my head “what about our baby? what about us? we were trying for a baby!?” … in a moment I felt like this was it… the last chance of ever having children… over and finished forever… and the pain was unbearable.

“She wants a baby, with me”

I stopped crying then… oh boy did I. I threw his ass out of my house so fast his head spun. I was stunned he would say something like that. How cruel and low… WHO WAS THIS PERSON AND WHERE WAS MY HUSBAND?!?!?!

He went… Mum came… I sat rocking, sobbing, slobbering and wailing. A mess… There is no better word to describe it. I thought I would die, and wanted it… if the next breath didn’t come it would not have mattered.

I remember sitting, blinking.. and breathing.. in turn, like you do all the time withough thinking about it… yet it was all I could do to continue. As the time ticked by, other things came into my head… losing the house, losing my pets.. having to live with my mum… 33 and abandoned… no children, no nothing. No him.

I love my Husband… massively, deeply, with all my heart and soul. I adore him. Yes, we have our moments… who doesn’t? But since 1997 he has been my world. We’re the best of friends, the best of lovers and everything in life is us together… in our own little world. How did this happen to us?

I struggled to believe it was happening. Suddenly the tears stopped and something inside me said “it’ll be ok, this isn’t real” and then somehow I started to ‘cope’. I guess it was denial… nothing more. I bounced from thinking “this cannot be happening” to “this has to be a nightmare and I’ll wake up soon” to “oh fuck, he’s gone” and more crying. By evening, I was mostly completely in denial and not crying much at all. It couldn’t be right, he wasn’t capable of this… my husband would NOT cheat on me… how could he? we were so happy!

At 8pm, my phone rang and the picture of my wonderful hubby flashed up. I didn’t want to answer it, but did… and he asked if he could come round to talk. I agreed, Mum left and he arrived. He was a mess, no denying that. He said he’d been to his Nannas and told her everything and she’d called him an idiot. Then he’d gone to his friend’s house – the guy out of the band, and he was stunned to hear the whole thing, and again said he was ‘stupid’.

I asked why he’d come back… why he wasn’t with her, and he said that he hadn’t really been ready to tell me about the affair. He thought it would fizzle out and there’d have been no harm done… but it had gotten out of hand when feelings became involved. He felt he had to come clean because he couldn’t handle lying for another second… and once he knew he had to tell me, he had to make a choice. He’d assumed, although it was ‘the hardest choice he’s ever had to make’… that once he’d said it out loud and walked away from me… that he’d feel relief and go to her. He thought it would be a load off. What actually happened, was he got into the car outside our house, and only then did he realise he’d lost me. At that point, his world came crashing down. He hadn’t thought of this. He was consumed with her and wanted the lying and cheating to stop… he’d never considered he couldn’t live without me… but now he could see he couldn’t.

I think, from what’s been said since… that that was the moment my Husband’s head exploded emotionally. He knew he loved me, was sure he loved her… and could not face another second of life without both of us. He was tormented, torn and had no clue what to do.

We talked that night… the day he told me… for about 2 hours. The whole time I was hoping he would say he’d made a mistake and could he come home, but he didn’t and as time went by it was becoming painfully clear he wasn’t going to. I still felt no anger.  No matter how much he wanted to stay, he said he couldn’t be with me because he loved her. He said he had to try to make a go of things with her, or he would always wonder. I understood… that was the shit of it. I did… because I remember how I felt about my emotional affair… 6 years ago.

My comfort in all of this was going back to how I felt about him. I met him in November 2003, and from there to March 2004 we had an ‘affair’ on the internet. I fell for him, my Husband didn’t matter… my every waking thought was him. Hubby and I were unhappy when I met him and I firmly believe that it would not have developed into something other than friendship had our marriage been good at that time… but regardless, on Feb 20th I left my husband. It was the hardest choice I’d ever had to make, but I could not live without him. Once I’d gone, it took me 5 full days to realise I could not live without my Hubby. Don’t get me wrong… for those days I sobbed and snivvelled and was in a pretty bad way, but I was so torn and confused I didn’t know which way to turn. At the time I felt massive frustration that my other man was in Canada and for all intents and purposes, we weren’t even together… we’d ‘finished’ a few days earlier after (another) row. I didn’t leave my Hubby for my other man… I left because of my feelings and the hell going through my head.

On March 1st 2004, I came back to Hubby. The decision was made 5 days earlier, but he went away so we got back together when he returned. I never regretted my decision, but I still loved the other man. I agreed that I would stop spending all night on the internet with him, and start going to bed at a normal time with Hubby. I said, although I still had feelings for him, that I would put them away in my mind and that Hubby would be my only priority. And it worked… 100%. Hubby and I were better than ever… he handled it by not thinking about it – there’d been no physical side to ‘picture’ and haunt him… and I did all I could to convince him I loved him and it was him I wanted, because it was.

When I look back, I don’t know who I was when I was with the other man. It’s like I temporarily lost all sense of reality…. and although all I could think of was him, I still loved my Husband just the same… I just lost sight of it.

Throughout this HELL, I knew exactly what my Husband was going through. It didn’t – and doesn’t stop the pain at all… but I could see why he was so tormented. It is very hard to let go of someone you have such strong feelings for… however much you might want to.

The trouble was, as I learnt wednesday night… my husband did not want to let go of her. He wanted her. He left to go see her and I realised that he’d really only come round to talk because at the end of the day I am his best friend and he needed a shoulder to cry on. How fucking inappropriate. How dare he!? But that was it.

About an hour later, he was back. He’d been to pick her up to talk. I should explain at this point, that when he started sleeping with her, her husband knew. Her husband was actually outside the bedroom getting ‘off’ on hearing his wife with another man. Hearing this not only made me feel physically sick… but I saw my lovely, pure husband in a whole new light. I am still struggling to get that one out of my head.

‘Steve’, her husband of 16 years, was fine that his wife was fucking my husband, but was not fine on wednesday when she told him she loved my husband and was leaving him. He hit her – twice. My husband left here and picked up a woman whose husband had beaten her up. That did not help his frame of mind…  He came back here upset… and actually expected me to feel sorry for her. I didn’t. He stayed the night, inititally in the spare room…. but eventually in my bed. We had sex.

I know how that sounds. completely stupid. In my head, I did it for 3 reasons… the first because I was desperate to be in the arms of my husband again, regardless of what he’d done, second because I hoped that in being with me it would be harder for him to leave.. and third, because I needed to say goodbye, just in case this was goodbye.

I’ve since done research on the whole sex-after-an-affair thing and found it is a recognised phenomenon called ‘Hysterical Bonding‘.

After the sex I felt used and dirty and I cried and felt pathetic… but nevertheless relieved he was there, with me. I fell asleep in his arms and he told me he loved me.

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