Four Months Later…

4 Months.

In some ways I feel like I am over the worst… but then sometimes… I’ll start crying over a flashback that hits me out of the blue. Today, when I was in a perfectly good mood, I suddenly saw a ‘movie’ of my husband nodding in answer to me asking “are you leaving me?” and I started to cry.

Yes, I understand he was in the fog… yes I understand why he made the decision and all that stuff… and I completely understand and believe that if he could go back and erase the entire affair he would. Does that stop the pain? Nope. Not at all. I often wonder how long it will take before a flashback ‘movie’ like that doesn’t hurt. I would love to see that movie play in my mind and have little to no reaction to it… but I seriously doubt that’ll ever happen.

At the beginning of the month, a little after 3 months past D-Day… he’d been gigging alot and we’d had little time together. I had missed him like crazy, and he came in tired and grumpy. I was waiting for affection, and instead  I got snapped at – which made me cry. Then, because I was sobbing and I didn’t want my husband to know, I went to sleep in the spare room. He came in briefly, but when I asked him to leave me alone he did. Usually – well, for the past 13 years, he would persist until I gave in and came back to bed. That is, until the affair was going on. About 10 days before D-day, we had a row, and I went into the spare room. He left me there. I cried all night… I felt absolutely heartbroken.

So, because he did that while he was having the affair, and because he was so offwith me, after sitting in the spare bed sobbing for 20 minutes or so, I convinced myself something was going on – and he was hiding something.

Course, world war 3 broke out. It was 3 in the morning, he had to be up for work at 7… he was tired and not in the mood to be screamed at… so hurtful things were said. It was probably the worst row we’ve had since D-day, but we got past it.

So today, it’s been 4 months since my husband last had sex with another woman.

Last night we had a terrible row. My husband and I were chatting about the way everything still feels raw and painful, and how terrified I still feel that he will do this again. It’s not a conversation we’ve never had – we have it alot,  but for some reason in the middle of it, my husband said;

“you’ll never be happy”

“you’re never going to get over this”

“what’s the point in carrying on?”

I flipped. I was so hurt. My world crumbled once again, as I understood his words to mean that he’d had enough of me trying to deal. A row followed, and along the way it came out that he said those things because he was feeling insecure about me being able to get over this, and be happy… but instead of asking if I thought I would ever leave him, or if I thought I’d be happy again some day, he took a reverse-psychology route and said those things.

Why can’t communication be easier? I guess that’s where counselling comes in…

We’re both scared. We love each other, but everytime I hold him I wonder how I can stop him cheating again, or simply just leaving me… and everytime I am unhappy or hurting, he wonders how long before I can’t take anymore and leave him.

Anyways, so I was reading some stuff on infidelity again tonight, and came across this valuable little snippet of info which I just LOVE:

Q: I’m tired of talking about the Affair, but if I don’t keep bringing it up regularly won’t my spouse forget what he/she has done to me or think everything is back to normal and fine now?

A: This is actually an easy question to answer, because there are only two types of wayward spouses to deal with.

  • Type one is not really remorseful. They want to stay married to you for their own reasons: maybe financial, maybe help with child care, maybe you fit like a comfortable old shoe. But they really don’t want anything to change. This type one spouse probably will forget what they’ve done – in fact, they’d prefer to forget – if you don’t keep bringing it up. So they make it pretty uncomfortable for you to talk about the A. They’ll start a fight if you bring it up. Or they’ll storm out of the house “for some peace and quiet”. The Type one spouse is not in reconciliation with you.
  • Type two spouses are very sorry for their actions. They will do anything, ANYTHING, to help you heal. The hurt in your eyes on D-Day cut into their heart like a knife. They will NEVER forget what they did, and talk or no talk they will wear the scarlet A on their soul forever.

The Bottom Line: You don’t need to keep bringing up the A to the Type two spouse. And bringing up the A to the Type one spouse won’t ever change them into a Type two spouse.

That gives me so much hope. In lots of ways I feel I bring up the affair, because I am so scared he forgets what he did. Not that he had an affair, but how much hurt and pain he caused. I expect his feelings of remorse to fade, and for him to forget how damaging it was… and so in a way I think I have been trying to keep our marriage in a state where we are in recovery.

Of course, we are in recovery. BUT, there are times when things feel normal… and good, and happy… but I won’t allow one day to pass without referring to his affair. Sure, a lot of time it comes up regardless… but if I am honest, I do feel a sliver of panic when I consider dropping the subject. Like he’ll think I’m over it, and so it wasn’t that bad then.

So I’ve realised I don’t need to do this. I know my husband is the type two spouse, above. If he isn’t, then I don’t know him at all. It does occur to me that there are men out there (and women, no doubt) who have long term affairs, often over years. It is possible for a spouse to really not know the person they are married to.  The only way to move on, I feel, is to believe what I’ve known of my husband for close to 13 years.

On top of this, I asked him outright last night; “if the subject of the affair was never mentioned again… lets say I suddenly forgot all about it… would the memory of the hurt and pain you caused, fade away… would you forget?”

He answered “the whole thing is etched on my mind forever, I will never forget. It was all too traumatic”

He pretty much echoed the description of the type two spouse, I quote:

The hurt in your eyes on D-Day cut into their heart like a knife. They will NEVER forget what they did, and talk or no talk they will wear the scarlet A for ‘Affair’ on their soul forever.

I am so reassured by that. Course, the memory of it won’t necessarily stop him doing it again, but I with any luck it will. He isn’t in the situation to have individual counselling for financial reasons, so I have to hope and pray he’s done enough soul searching and learnt enough about himself… to never cheat again.

I’ve struggled a lot this month, and I don’t know why.

I feel like I am rocking between two mindsets…

1, I feel angry towards him, and want to keep him at arms length… I feel like he’s just taking the piss out of me and is probably up to something and laughing behind my back. I have an overwhelming urge to hurt him, teach him a lesson… and to make him fight for me.

and

2. I love him so much, and I feel like he is falling out of love with me… I am close to tears all the time because the thought of losing him terrifies me. When he holds me I never want to let him go and am I constantly asking myself, how can I stop him leaving me?

My only explanation for any of it is the events of the past 2 weeks…. he’s been away so much, and I’ve been alone too much. I’ve been working so haven’t had alot of time to chat to family etc, which usually keeps me grounded to a point. Also, because my husband has gigged so much, when he is here, he’s either sleeping or suffering from tired-induced nagginess, which has always been an issue. The last thing I need when I am feeling insecure, unsure, vulnerable and scared… is him tired. But that’s what I’ve had. I’ve voiced my feelings, particularly the second mindset, because that is the predominant one… and he either loses patiences because he’s tired and “doing all he can” or he tells me I couldn’t be more wrong, and that he loves me more than ever. And generally I don’t believe him.

The angry mindset comes and goes, thankfully it hasn’t stayed long enough to cause any damage. I briefly considered moving out, just to gauge his reaction and to hurt him… but I snapped out of it before acting on it. I guess I know he loves me just because I know how much it would hurt him for me to walk away.

I’d like to think my feelings are normal… and maybe I was wrong to assume that after the first 3 months, things would be easier. Research shows the first 3 months are the hardest – not that they are the only difficult time. I must try harder to remember that!

75 responses to “Four Months Later…

  1. My husband cheated on me seven years ago and the only way I found out was because I ended up getting warts (STD). He never wanted me to find out about his affair so when the warts came along I was shocked. I was a virgin when we met. He was my only one and we were married for 23 years and had two kids. I had no other so it really hurts. He is type 2 and says he’s sorry. I don’t know if I can ever get through this. Every day I wish I could go back to the way I felt before. He is a wonderful person but really screw up. I need advice so please give me your input. Thanks

  2. carolynn

    This is where I find myself today. On the verge of letting it go yet afraid it’s too soon and he’ll forget all the pain. I’ve told him this is how I’m feeling. And also that since it’s not on my mind all the time now, when it does hit me it HITS ME! I know he was feeling things were getting worse based on my reactions but talking about it has helped us both. If only we could have communicated this way before all this happened.

  3. My husband cheated on my after 12 years and it has been 8 weeks since I found out. 10 weeks since I suspected anything. I am an emotional train wreck. How are you doing now that it has been over a year?

    • denise

      Why do we deserve this pain…..

      • Gail

        Hold on. I understand but I’m not ready to tell my story. I found out officially when my husband was rushed to an emergency room with possible stroke (he’s 47). While I was with him, a phone in the ER cubicle rang so I answered (I was alone with him). She thought I was a nurse and claimed to be his girlfriend asking to talk to him and very worried. I didn’t tell her I was his wife or anything but passed the phone to my sedated husband. I kept the receiver where I can hear her speak. I heard her claim her love for him. And I stayed very calm but my world was cracking.

  4. Nicky

    My husband had a one night stand just a year ago, and I still cry, and wonder why he did it and he can’t give me an answer, just that he is sorry and it will never happen again, we are trying to work it out but don’t know if we ever will, he has betrayed me too much

    • Wendy

      It has been almost a year since my husband had a one morning affair. my soul was shattered so bad. To this day my soul is still lost. I try to talk about it to him but he never talks. Why am I still hurting after all this time? I hope you and your husband are good now. Im trying so hard. Every day at some point the image comes to my head and every single day i cry

      • I feel your pain,5 yrs ago my husband of 17 yrs let some random whore give him oral.i don’t believe a word he says,he was my first my love my everything and i have 2 kids with him 15 & 10,i love him and hate him at the same time,iam scared to leave him because i don’t know how to survive alone,i feel like crap.i hate my existance and i feel dark inside and lonely.i will never ever forgive him.iam trying to get my GED to better myself and leave him,thank God for the beautiful kids he gave me and to my wonderful 15 yr old who helps me to accomplish my dreams….i am wasting my time with a heartless asshole and know i deserve better…..so do you….good luck,wish you the best!!!

      • Jennifer

        I don’t no how anyone does it. My husband told me 6 months ago about his affair. I knew he was up to something in February I hate myself everyday for not following him. He told me April 13th. 2 weeks after we got back from gatlinburg for our 19th anniversary. He was texting her while he was there with me. He is 41 she is 26. He asked to be fixed up with her from friend from work they talked from dec through second week of April ! He went out on 2 double dates with her and took her out 3 days before we left for our anniversary. He kissed her twice they both say they never has sex He’s done everything I’ve asked him he’s talked to me told me everything let me confront her leaves his phone so I can see it gave me passwords. Very remorseful, and loving. But I still can’t forget. I hurt everyday!!! He was talking to her planning to be with her through Christmas, New Years, my birthday, valentines day, the very worst our anniversary, Easter and our daughters first prom… I feel like he has destroyed every one if those special holidays and moments how can I get through them this year it’s already pretty much November. I hurt so bad. I can picture him kissing her, he took her to all places he’s promised to take me for years and never has!!! I just don’t understand, and he can’t tell me why he did it all he says is he’s so sorry and would never hurt me like that again, I begged him to take me out, I begged him to talk to me I asked him every week if he was cheating he said no. He had so many chances to tell me. He chose her every day! How could he do this to me I was so good to him I’ve always been faithful! I put up with a lot of crap from him.

    • You are very lucky it was only a one night stand…. I’m speaking from personal experience, it hurts a lot more when they have feelings for the other woman. Compared to what I’ve been through I’d take him having 100 one night stands over an extended affair

  5. Nicky

    Hi I have good days and bad days, I just need to know why he did what he did, his excuse was that he was drunk but that’s not a good enough reason, I get drunk but make sure I come home not like him staying out till 7am. What hurts most is the lies, he tried to make out they only kissed why would you go to her room just to kiss? I have the misfortune of knowing every detail of what they did from the other woman when she got iNtouch what hurts as well is that she met me and my daughter 3 days before this happened, so I have a face in my head all the time.
    We live in a foreign country so counselling realy isn’t an option, my husband is a singer in hotels and bars, and that’s where he met her, everybody in the hotel knew and even holiday makers that still now come over seem to know my business and keep bringing it up, my husband has changed dosnt drink as much only when with me, but don’t know if he has hurt me too much for me to get over it. 8 weeks is nothing you will go through so many emotions, I still do and the jealousy is the worst, I was never a jealous person before this, but now I can’t control it, but I know it’s his job. How are you doing? The realy sad thing about all this is that he couldn’t get an erection he’s 53 and can’t when he’s drunk but still went up to her room to do other things, and what kind of woman is she to let him so these things, she told me he was drunk well she putting herself down that she can only get a man when drunk, but then i had her daughter and niece harrasing me with vulgar sexual language about what they did, seriously would like to give her a slap, just to make me feel better, yes in knowhe was the one married, but she knew he was. If you knew my husband you would never think he would do anything like this, he is quiet and not got a lot of confidence unless had a few drinks, are you having counselling? I can give you my email if you need to talk more xxxx

    • Wendy

      I’m sorry that happen to you….. It never seems to get better… I got cheated on & 3 years later it still hurts….. Things were going good till he got him new job & that gave him a laptop (he cheated with woman online) So at home I have control of ALL laptop, but this is a work one so I’m worried that it could happen again….. God I don’t know if I can do this…..

      • Wendy, I’m sorry this has happened to you. I feel your pain. I too recently discovered my husband had reconnected to his old girlfriend online. She sent inappropriate photos of herself and his phone records show he sent her hundreds of sext messages and some emails. He also called her and they talked for half an hour. He said it was over before I found out and to get over it. It’s been 2 months and I’m still hurting so much. Some days are better but the hurt comes back when I’m alone with my thoughts. He’s tired of me bringing it up. He told her in an email that he will look her up when he’s free. This too feels awful to live with. It feels like the joy has gone out of my life. There have been others things that have happened in our relationship too. I too wish things could be the way they were. :(

  6. ann

    Ditto, we are going through the same heart ache. I really felt your pain reading this and it has helped me knowing I’m not cracking up! Sometimes I feel like this will never go away, I found out early September about my Husbands affair and just tonight I have discovered he has been back on facebook where the affair started, I’m devestated :( but don’t know what to do x

    • Wendy

      Im in the same boat…My husband promised to NEVER go back online without supervision (all our computer’s are locked & have parental controls) But now he just took a new job that gave him a laptop…. He said he did not think it would bother me!!! REALLY then why did I not unlock the computer. He knows & just seems not to care

  7. veronica

    I am currently in month one of this and all i want to do is leave. Im hurt so much. This isnt the first thing that has happened. I would love ans appreciate guidance. Ive always been able to do things on my own but this is different. Im bipolar and and going through my second time of cervical cancer and i am at a loss emotionally. Please if you have any words to spare, help.

    Veronica.maurer43@yahoo.com
    Navylover311@yahoo.com

    Your strength is beautiful.

  8. Nicky

    Hi my husband cheated oct 2011 and I still get upset, it only shows you care and still love him

  9. Electra

    I found out my husband has been cheating on me with some aweful women for the last two years of our 22 yr. marriage. We have three young daughters. I only found out Nov.4th 2012 when I found a bunch of e-mails he forgot to delete. He broke it off 5 mins after I found out and came home from work. He says he;s so sorry, I will never happen again. We’ve been going to counseling and he is bending over backwards to try to make things right again. Do I believe him? I’m trying to, he lied everyday for 2 years to me. They screwed in his car in a park in broad daylight! Who does that? He had to move our daughters car seat over to screw another women!!! I’m so angry and so desperate I don’t know what to do. I just want i cease to exist. I would except for my girls. Please someone tell what to do to feel better, please…

    • Annie

      I am so sorry u r going thru this! I have been married for 19 yrs. I found out my husband was cheating when i got a registered letter from my husbands mistress. I started investigating and found at least 2 other women he had affairs with. None of them new he was married or hsd children. He was very remorseful and soon started counseling. You can get through it but i will tell you that i will never look at my husband the same way again. I will never feel about him the way i did before finding out. And i will never be able to fully trust him. Good luck and be blessed!

    • Jennhut

      Hi, I just wanted to say, if it’s of any help, I found out on November 3rd. Our situations are slightly different, but I relate to the car seat thing – he had sex with her in his and my lounge on our couch, on my father’s birthday. I trusted him so completely that I missed all the signs, and now I’m working through this. I just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone. While your world was breaking, my world was breaking too. I’m still having doubts, I think about leaving, I wish i could say I’ve started stabilizing, but I can’t. I’m not an emotional wreck, but I’m still very much broken. I know there are other people out there going through much the same thing, but I thought that I would just let you know that I can tell you – you are not alone. And we’ll both emerge – with our relationships or without – stronger than we were before. x

      • Jennifer

        My situation is a little different but I can understand the car my husband didn’t have sex with his girlfriend on the side but he kissed her in his car after taking her out to dinner and a movie! Everytime I’ve been in the car I want to throw up the thought of seeing them kiss. My husband is 41 and she is 26 still living at home with her parents 2 years before this we went to dinner with 4 couples from his work she was Dating one of the young guys from his work. She sat next to me she knew we’ve been married for 19 years, have 3 kids. Yes he asked to be set up with her he actually asked his buddy if he cared if he talked to his ex! But this young tramp knew he was married! It’s been 6 months since he told me about his affair. They had talked from the beginning of dec 2012 thru April 14th… He went out with her on a double date on my birthday while I was out with his family, he went on a double date with her to Dave and busters for valentines day he did nothing for me he never even told me happy birthday or valentines day. He took her out to dinner and a movie 3 days before our 19th anniversary, and texted her the whole time we were away for our anniversary, and he went out one last time the night of our daughters prom after he felt so awful couldn’t go to her pictures. He swears he was not with her he swears he was alone thinking how he was going to tell me because he realized he had to tell me after our anniversary. I do not believe him. I believe something happened that night which he why he told me the next week two days before he was admitted into hospitol an ended up having back surgery. It’s been so awful the first 3 months of me trying to get through all of this I was helping him recover from a major back surgery. I was so angry and hurt. He is still off from work about to have another surgery it’s been six months, and I still hurt everyday. I had a gut feeling something was going on in February almost followed him but was so stupid and listened to my heart instead if my gut! So now I’m scared to death to listen to my heart even though he has gone above and beyond to show me how much he loves me and regrets why he has done, I just always have this fear in the back if my mind of loving him too much and him hurtin me like this again I was so devestaed to be betrayed like that. I just dot understand how men can do this to someone they claim to love so much! And how these trashy young girls can justify having any kind of relationship with a married man! One thing that helped me feel a little better though was weighting her a letter and letting her know exactly what i though of her and how pathetic she is to agree to go out with a married man. It felt so good even though she was a coward an had nothing to say. Until I called her fromy husband phone. Then she suddenly answered saying thought you couldn’t talk to me anymore!!! Lol I loved the sound of her voice when she realiZed it was me on the other line not him. But still today I have doubts how do I know tht he hasn’t contacted her wen we’ve had an argument? I don’t know how to believe him again. I want to get phone records for my own security but I fear it will cause trouble with my husband and I because we have been trying to move past it! Am I wrong to need and wan phone records????

    • sarah

      I understand. I have been married almost 20 years. Moved so my husband could advance in his job. Moved 4 months before we did. I took care of our three kids while selling the house. He got a girlfriend and told her he wasnt married. Told her he loved her and how pretty she was. Who does this? He wants me to move on after a year. I dont know what to do . My whole life will never be the same. I thought this man loved me. He took her out for dinners and treated her nice.

      • sherry souchick

        Been married 12 years and had suspicion he was cheating by txt and Facebook denied it all. Then I was snooping around for months and found he had a secret cell phone. As I was looking through the txt and numbers I found one of my best friends was one that he was talking to. Told her she better tell her husband or I would. She did tell him but he got her to admit they slept together. Lost what I thought was a good friend and devastated by the whole thing. I’m trying to work things out he says he’s sorry he messed up he don’t know why he did it. I’m heart broken mad and hate him at the same time. I’m going with the flow and hope our marriage works but if it doesn’t I have the strength to move on I will not be a doormat for anyone. Everyone makes mistakes but this better be the one and only

  10. kel

    so glad i found this site… now dont feel so alone, my husband of 10 years had a one night stand with an old school friend who he hadnt seen in years. he told me afterwards what he did and said he was sorry and it didnt mean anything. he has deleted her from facebook and changed his mobile number etc. only been 3 months and last weekend i thought i was getting over it but past few days i cant seem to stop crying again…. he doesnt live back at our home at the min but we still together… just feel like we never gonna get back to some kinda normality, and constently panic that im not enough for him… love him still just so angry…. how long till i get over this hurt??

  11. oonamei

    My husband of 17 years whom I am divorcing has had one after the other. A swedish girl for 4 years, a russian for 2, another scottish girl for four years and a south african girl for 1. Funny, though he professed love to all of them, he actually cheated on a couple of them too. One in particular with her best friend. I actually felt sorry for her. I was so niave. He would even bring them round the house and they would play with my kids and chat away to me. Insane. Now I know why I always had an anxious feeling when they came around. I don’t think he was ever faithful to me. He can lie on his feet like I have never seen before.. Infact I do not know the man that I married, I don’t know who he is.

  12. Amanda

    I am a glad I found this site, this is a wonderful way to express yourself without being embarrassed about what happened. I found out my husband of 15 years was having an affair for six months with a woman that is 10 years older then him. My husband at the time was 37 and she was 47 years old. The only reason I found out is she left a voicemail Message on his cell phone and he asked me to retrieve his message due to his phone being broken. She said that she couldn’t believe that he would end things the way he did with her, after 6 months of having sex and telling her he loved her. I was floored and devasted, it honestly felt like my breath was taken away. Of course I asked him and he did not deny it, he said that she understood that he was married and that they had a understanding. Are you kidding me!!! The woman actually began texting me telling me details of their relationship. I still can’t believe that this happened. I never suspected anything , he was home at night but found out later she worked from home so it was convenient during the day, while I was at work. I of course went and had blood work done because i found out he picked her up at a bar and had sex with her the first night. After a little snopping i found out she has had a dui, domestic battery and is divorced with three grade school kids and does not have custody (a real winner there). I have to say that the last 15 months have been horrible mentally and emtionally. I feel exhausted from feeling of “i wonder what hes doing now” or “is he still calling her or seeing her”. I still don’t understand how someone can hurt someone they say they love so much. He tells me hes sorry and thst he loves me and that what he did was stupid and selfish but she was avaiable and he took advantage of that. Whatever the reason it is still wrong.

    • Gail

      Wow I can sure relate to your story. My husband of 17 yrs together 20 works away from home and comes home every 6-8 weeks for 4 days. Last time he came home he told me I love you but am not in love with you anymore.
      He left to travel back to work afterwards. I pestered him h Tim he admitted to having an affair with a woman 7 years older that he met in the bar one night. 8-9 months he’s been seeing her!! All this time I’ve been working., caring for my elder mother and seperately my terminal father .i had nothing to give to our lives left. We had not been intimate more than 2x in the last year . I had gained significant weight over the years…never really noticing…just moving forward in life. BAM!! When that wall came down it was shattering but I immediately could see HOW. This happened and that we were heading in that direction for years. I convinced my husband to give up other woman and give out family a shot. To try and save our marriage . Neither of us had ever worked on it. We are now moving to another province where he resides and works in 2 months . I am actively working in my weight and lifestyle. Because if him…a little…. Mostly because my self esteem has been distroyed and I need to feel better about me and take control back of my life. I’m not sure how we are going to work through the intimacy part as he does not feel desire for me and I don’t want to expose myself at this time due to self consiousness of my weight. Anyhow …that’s my story and where we r as of 3 weeks after discovery.

    • Wendy

      Wow that sounds so much like my story & the girl sounds the same…. She works from home a 2 bit LOSER!!! & thought it would be funny to tell me how much my man wanted her… She would email me telling me that If I can’t keep my man happy then she would :( Its been 3 years & it still hurts….. We had moved past this (but I NEVER forgot) but every now & then something happens to make me remember & all the feelings come right back up….He is a internet cheater, been caught having his affair…. Told me it was over, then a few years later I found more emails. & when he was doing all of this he was online with every girl that would SEXT with him. & now he just got a new job & they gave him a laptop & he wants me to know he would NEVER do that again…. But he got busted over the years doing WAY to many times…. I don’t want to end my marriage but don’t want to worry about this everyday…. & this job is not a reg. 9 to 5 & punch the clock, I can’t check his paystubs, Cuz its a salary job & on call…. Oh yeah & they gave him a phone:)

  13. Jaime

    I am glad I found this site. I just found out about my husbands infidelity 10 hours ago when I found pornographic photos of his mistress in a file he left open on the computer. We have been married for 12 years and have 2 children. Needless to saw my feelings are still raw. To make it worse the “mistress” was a mutual friend whom we would have dinner with. Even though he claims the affair has ended, he sees no reason to end the friendship, despite my feelings. I still have yet to decide what I am going to do.

    • ieol

      Jaime, it has not ended, if a cheater husband remains friends, or refuses to end the friendship with his affair partner, then he’s still seeing her. Do not be fooled by him refusing to end the friendship, the affair is still going on.

    • ShAtTeReD

      Jaime, Don’t allow him to control the situation. He is the one that messed up, not you! and your allowing him to have all the power. if he wants to make your marriage work then you need to give him all your conditions, if he doesn’t comply then you need to move on. There is no excuse for what he did, nor is it right for him to still have contact with his scank WHAT SO EVER! If you allow him to control the situation he will never stop communicating with her. You need to put him on a very short leash until he can prove to you that he is trustworthy. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but what he did was WRONG! and he needs to pay the consequences for his actions. If he doesn’t have any consequences then it will only become easier for him to cheat again, except that this time he will be smarter about it. GOOD LUCK! I wish you the best.

    • jules

      go,go,go,away—if he cannot end the friendship just to help your pain,then he is not in love with you—–get rid of him

  14. sangeeta

    my husband had a emotional and sexual affair for 3 years…..with a girl 10 years younger to him . n our marriage is of 10 years now. i have come to know about a 2 months back and he has not talked in detail till now .i cannt understand what i should do ….i am so troubled and this pain doesnt go….i am looking for people with similar exp .i was thinking i am the only one who has had this pain but now i have company on this platform……..what should i do

    • I am so sorry dear..I was in a marriage of 13 years this year when my hubs said he’s done. How devastated I was! Basically I’ve been putting up with a lot of his issues for years,overlooking and forgiving all his faults,his porn,his women..It literally was ongoing for most our married life.
      And then…HE is the one to say HE is done?! Yet I was willing to do whatever it took,but it takes two.
      Finally,I was encouraged by family to seek counseling (for the first time in my life)..There in that christian counselors office,where I was determined to do what it took to save my marriage,I instead was shown
      what abuse looks like,and what is and isn’t ‘safe’..The first thing she recommended was a book called ‘ YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE’, which really isn’t about your spouse much at all,but geared to any woman who has experienced betrayal. In it you find some comfort and acknowledgement of the emotions and things you are and will go through and some steps to take that may eventually help you out of the black hole to the ‘other side’.
      Other things that might help you is a website http://www.beyondaffairs.com.
      they also have support groups in bigger cities,but they gave me tremendous help..
      Just keep googling till you find comfort somewhere..
      I dont have and I guess I will never have all the answers, but others going through this say ‘a brighter day will come..so I’m waiting for it..
      On the bottom climbing up..

  15. Kellie

    I have been married for 13 years. I am a confident women who has just tried to keep her marriage together. About 1 month ago I found out the my husband had an affair 2 years ago while he has a police officer. He was also fired from the police department because of his realations with the female inamtes. I am at the end, but trying……we have two beautiful boys, 12 and 7.

  16. Candace Grimes

    I feel your pain. My husband cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. He says he got to drunk while out with is friend and passed out in our truck. The next thing he remembers is waking up to someone giving him a bj. That was 3 years ago and I still cry almost everyday. It’s his loss of memory on that night. Don’t know who why or if more happened. I am not sure i truly believe his story there are just to many holes in it. We never talk about it he just wants to forget it and move on. I have tried so hard but I can’t. I know he is the type 2 husband but I feel stuck. I feel old fat ugly and at times worthless. But worst of all I truly feel like he is lying to me. We can’t financially afford counseling either. I just don’t know what to do.

    • ShAtTeReD

      I can relate to this. You just want answers and he can’t or won’t answer you. when I found out about my husbands indiscretion I was literally shattered Never in my wildest dreams did I think that he was capable of cheating. If anyone was more capable of cheating I thought It would be ME! I always believed that he was more committed to our relationship than I was or that he loved me more, turns out I was sooooooo wrong. When I found out I wanted to know every detail of what happened from what she was wearing to how she smelled, not that I cared! I wanted to know what she had that I apparently didn’t what did I do wrong? what did she do right? was the sex better? did she smell better? does she give a better BJ? you name it I wanted to know. some things he couldn’t answer cause he couldn’t remember every little detail of what had happened, but since he was so honest and truthful about all the other questions regardless of whether it would hurt my feelings or not. I trusted that he really didn’t remember and I had no choice but to let them go. well It turns out that she wasn’t better in anything he just fell for her manipulations, she had told him that he deserved better than me and that I was going to leave him for some other man (well obviously those were all lies.) It doesn’t make me feel any better what his reasoning were, but at least I got some answers, but it still hurts all the same. What really helps me is talking to him about how much I hurt, (not to throw it in his face) but just to vent, I needed to get this pain out and not hold it in. My husband just sits there crying and hearing every single hurtful thing that I say and he just takes it like a true man. Yes! he made a big HUGE mistake but he makes up for it every single day and its important for him to know what his actions did to me and to us and we are more stronger for it. The most Important thing is to find people that know what you are going through because everyone else can’t give you advice on something they haven’t lived. You need a support system. My BFF has been through this one too many times and I’m so lucky to have her whenever I need her. It will help you to vent and get all the anger out. I wish you the best GOOD LUCK!

      • Wendy

        I wanted to know the same things… I wanted to know what she looked like, I wanted to know how long there sex lasted, I wanted to know how good she felt & I wanted to know what she gave him that I could not….

  17. millie

    thats its difficult .the first day of da yr i go to church.i found out dat my hubby its cheating on me.i was suspicious.now it stop bcos i found da truth.i found his text sms.i ask him.n he cofirm.i feel like its da end of my life.i cry.scream.da pain still dere.i try so hard to clear da pain.but it wont go away.its like movie in my head.i feel stupid.i dont know if i can trust him again.pls help….im bleeding inside my heart

    • ShAtTeReD

      Millie, I wish I could tell you that it gets better but it doesn’t. my husband cheated on me 4 years ago and I’m still having doubts whether or not I could truly forgive him, I still cry and get depressed over it, but what helps is that my husband recognizes the pain that he has caused me and does whatever he can to help me heal from the heart ache that HE has caused. Is your husband helping you? I believe that in order to start healing He needs to be an open book, ask him everything you need to ask him. he needs to earn your trust back even if he needs to call you every hour to check in. he needs to do it. If he has to give you every single password to his e-mails and phone, so that you could feel better than HE needs to do it. If he gets defensive about it, then he is still keeping secrets and he isn’t serious about the relationship and you need to move on. I wish you the best and GOOD LUCK!

  18. wilma a

    well I did cheat on my husband in the past. now he cheats on me.

    • Wendy

      I almost felt like I should do that (not that I really would) But it would be so nice if he thought when he leaves for work, what is my wife doing, or every time I check my text ext. I felt like I wanted to make him hurt WAY more then I did….. But I’m way better then that. I have NEVER cheated & NEVER will

  19. marlene

    My husband cheated I found out 5 months ago 2 days before my birthday he had to tell me because not only was he sleeping with this skank but she was also pregnant my whole world ended it came crashing down on me so hard..this nasty girl looked me up texting me stupid things like how does my pussy taste (sorry 4 the word) she even text me two pictures of her giving him a bj (what a women) .we r still together but I’m falling apart I feel like I’m in a dark hole all alone screaming for someone to help me but no one sees or hears me I cry everyday I’m so beyond hurt I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this I can’t get those images out my head…..I know it sounds heartless but I don’t care I told him the only way for me to Stay with him is if he has nothing to do with the kid she wanted to keep it and that’s what happens when u sleep with a married man…being a hoe doesn’t pay off!……I’m not a bad person bt she’s full of drama and tries her hardest to tear up apart I can’t live with a person like that in my life….I don’t know what to do anymore I’m dying a slow death its now to the point where breathing feel like a curse…I just want this to end I want to this to no longer exist for me I’m beyond depression..I lay in bed and hope when I close my eyes I will never open them again…life sucks I wish I was strong enough to walk away or Stay and move on but I guess not I just lay here hoping my misery ends

    • ShAtTeReD

      My “Husband” cheated on me on November 16, 2009 with my so called “cousin.” However I didnt find out till September 4, 2011 my daughters birthday. What hurts me the most out of everything in my situation is the 2 years of lies, she was family I had to see her on a daily basis and I would go up to her like I do with all my family members and give her a hug and a kiss and ask her how shes doing. I feel Humiliated because she would have “family” over and they would laugh at me cause I was oblivious to what had happened between her and my husband. She is a scanky Decomposing Crotch that has nothing better to do with her life than to sleep with other peoples Husbands I say this because my husband wasn’t the first nor the last she also slept with her sisters boyfriend. I’m furious because my husband was depressed and stressed out because he had lost his job, I was stressed and an emotional wreck because we didn’t have enough income to pay rent, utilities, gas for our car, and ext. She took advantage of our situation and would call my husband “supposedly” to motivate him and later I find out that she was telling him that I wasn’t a good enough wife for him, he deserves better than me. Our marriage was fine YES! we had issues what marriage doesn’t but we always worked through them together as a team. That is until she started to put things in his head then things changed from one day to another, out of nowhere he moved out of our bedroom to the garage. I would ask him what was wrong, what did I do? and he could never look me in the eye and tell me. I would walk in on him talking to someone and when I would ask him about it he would get all defensive and yell at me “Its non of your business.” well he left me about a month after that. we were separated for about 1 month and 1 week this whole time he hardly called and when he did it was just to speak to the kids. one day about 3 weeks in he called to talk to me. he told me ” I wanted to come home I miss the kids.” That wasn’t good enough for me I wasn’t the type of girl to stay together for my kids. well he called me back a week later and said, “I miss us, I miss you and i want to make things work.” I then told him I would think about it for a couple days. well long story short I gave him all my conditions and he moved back in. The day he came home I found a contact from a girl he had put her name as “SEXY BACK” I immediately confronted him about it and he made this story up about him and his brother going to a strip club and the stripper gave him her number……well I stupidly believed it, Or I wanted too. I always felt some suspicion like I didn’t completely believe his story and now and then I would ask him about it, and EVERY time he would yell at me and tell me to stop asking him about it. that made it even more suspicious to me If he had nothing to hide then why is he getting all worked up about it? RIGHT? well one day on my daughters birthday returning home from the beach about 11 pm. as we were driving home we were holding hands and I dared to ask him about it again… he held my hand tighter and confessed what he had done. I was mortified my heart sank in the pit of my stomach and that 30 min. ride home seemed like forever. It has been almost 2 years since the “D-day” and I’m still doubting if I can forgive him, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of his lies and betrail. And there isn’t a day that goes by when it doesn’t sting like a fresh wound. He is a good husband and I feel guilty for holding this one thing against him when he does everything else right. but all those other things that he does right is being over shadowed by the pain I feel on a daily basis. I’m glad that I have the opportunity to tell my story, because I have felt so alone for 2 years and I’m tired of his family and mine telling me to “get over it.” If I could believe me I would.

    • Wendy

      Wow that’s so sad, I know Ur pain. The nasty thing he was with did the same thing to me… there we NO photos of them together, but she would ask me how she taste all the time…. Send me nude photos of her to give my husband… Its so hard to know when they cheat most of the time they downgrade…..Not saying I’m so great, but I would NEVER sleep with a married man, & I would never text that nasty stuff to his wife….. She says that she did not know he got married (they met & hooked up before we met) but after she found out she kept doing it…. & sending me that crap… I so know its 100% his fault & blame him not her… But I was hurt that woman could be that low to kick me when I down…. They were never dating they would just HOOK up…. before we were married I did find some emails from girls SEXTING with him, it was always girls from far away, so I did move past that. but after a few years we got married & now I find out there was more that he did….I wish I would of NEVER got married :( & that makes me so sad. cuz I don’t believe in divorce… I’ve only been married 7 months :(

      • jules

        WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE???you want to live the rest of your life like this—-you made a mistake marrying this idiot,but it does not mean you cannot correct it—-you are saying he controls you and he decided to make your life miserable for the rest of your life and you accept this—YOU NEED COUNSELING TO GET YOU TO SEE HOW MUICH HELP YOU NEED___YOU ARE NOT IN A VERY HEALTHY PLACE

    • jules

      why do you stay—–he is controlling you—he is useless—–you deserve to be happy—-you did not do anything wrong he did,but you are the one paying for it—why—-get out,run–he will do it again or worst he will give you some bad disease—-no one is worth you giving up your life for—-WAKE UP

  20. Mallory

    My boyfriend of 10 years cheated on me in my own home with a girl 18 years younger. He cried when he told me, broke up with me and proceeded to date her for several weeks. He ended it with her because he says he didn’t want to hurt me and knew I was the right choice. 2 months later, he still texts her, follows her online posts and basically isn’t over her. So tired and just don’t know what to do anymore. Thoughts!

    • ShAtTeReD

      Mallory, It hurts me to think that you have to think about this. Do you like being 2nd place. Its obvious that he isn’t 110% committed to you, just the fact that he still contacts her after all the heart ache he has caused you and your family makes me mad. Where is your self respect? You are better than THIS! If he doesn’t want to be a man….. then you need to cut your losses and move on. he isn’t worth it. When my husband cheated on me he showed me that he was serious about making this work out, he shows me every single day that he is remorseful for what he has caused me, not only does he show me but he puts up with my emotional roller coaster and all my questions and interrogations. he has even told me on several occasions that I need to throw whatever I have at him, even If it hurts. whatever helps me heel. Now that’s devotion! I know it hurts to throw a 10 year relationship out the door, but he doesn’t care and you need to find yourself a man that does care. Good Luck!

      • You are very lucky to have a man that cares that much for you. I wish mine showed that kind of compassion. Unfortunately, he is a type 1 so every time I get even the slightest bit emotional he pushes me away. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage.

    • jules

      why are you still there with him—do you want to hurt all the time—he is not for you——-do not let him control you like this—-there is something wrong with this guy—–run away from him as fast as you can and never look back

  21. Gigi

    My Husband and partner of 22 years cheated on me, his 44 and she was 35 she has also had affairs with several middle aged married man. I myself am a 45 and get many looks and compliments about my physical appearance that I look heaps younger. Our problems started with his gambling addiction, I started nagging and to distance myself from him, as felt disappointing that loved his gambling more than his family. He then went on to start a friendship with this woman and claims he only had sex with her 2 times and that she means nothing to him and that she instigated and bought condoms to the park one night and it all happened. I was disgusted as this is something our teenage son will do I felt betrayed and humiliated I only found out from a mutual acquaintance about this and. My husband for a few months denied it until I got his phone records he admitted it. He said he regrets it and that she meant nothing to him.And that he will never gamble again so far so good. All this affected me my anger just built up, It also did not help that my husband did not give me my emotional space to process everything. It was about me hurting and needing recovery. I seeked counseling with a female psychologist she is the same age as me which was a bonus. She helped me in a lot of ways but the most important was that I had to go out do what makes me happy and whatever helps me heal best. As everything was eating away at me me I told my husband to leave he said he does not want to leave me. So I said stay if you want but don’t blame me for my actions. But that’s all I wanted my time to see how I feel. About 2 months ago I have been seeing my first boyfriend we were together so many years but at one stage I moved overseas and the relationship ended. Now he is in the picture We see each other as often as we can Its like time never stopped different level off course. I have no regrets what’s so ever, If I get caught and my husbands asks me I will admit it and I will be more honest then he was. This has helped my self esteem and my soul, and also come I am alive again please don’t judge if you have been in my situation you will understand the pain and betrayal that I lived daily going over and over in my mind. I do not feel sorry for him or have any regrets whats so ever. I also have the support of all the people that are close to me as I never deserved this. And what do you believe from someone that you have given your life to all those years is there more things that I don’t know about him. Ladies Life is too short we are here only temporary!!!

  22. Belinda

    Wow, weird one here… married 12 yrs, best friends, he’s a bit kinky… i’m a rape kid that’s several yrs older than him. “But I just started opening up last yr, and (really… I’m pretty hot physically).

    He had a one night stand with a really homely and annoying (but very recieving) “friend” of mine at christmas while me and his mom slept upstairs. She made him tell me last month… a week before he deployed to Afghanistan and while I was away for work… really? Which.. has since made sense of his crying, and now I realize remorseful behaivour over the past several months. It’s been 2 months since the confession… and I won’t even be able to see him face to face for another 4 ( which has probably kept me from doing something bad to my “friend” and him). I know all it was … was a bare ass in front of a hardon while I was sleeping because he hasn’t been able to stand her since, and he hugs me almost to rib breaking intsensity since. But… she painted very vivid images in my head… and I can’t get them out… even though I know how much he loves me. I’ve had to let it all go for now because of his depoloyment.

    He’s a pretty awesome guy except for the sex crazed thing… and he is my bet friend. I’m a strong woman that is very good on her own… and I want to work it out so badly. I know he’s remorseful, but I can’t get those images she painted out of my head.

    OMG!!! How will I deal with this?!

  23. rachael

    Ive read every one of these comments. I can tell you are inteligent women. Im in the same ‘boat’.. my boyfriend left his fb logged in on my phone. The curiousity got the best of me. The woman who my intuition had been tellint me was trouble had been sending him nude pictures and sexually flirting with him. Hes been yelling at me for weeks, saying i was crazy ‘she was disgusting’ and ‘tries to get with everyone’. I feel so strongly that i want to do something to emotionally hurt her 😒 so far ive stayed with him.. he is VERY apoligetic.. doing everything.. gave me all his passwords, blocked her, whatever. The hardest part is.. hes a musician.. she is still going to come to all his shows. She is still going to keep trying to contact him.. he has seriously cut ties.. how do i control myself in public now?? Ive seen the woman naked and everything! she doesnt even know i know! how do i control myself when i see her next? What if she tries to talk to me? I cant even talk to anyone about this because they wouldnt understand why im staying with him.. please message me your advice.. should i say something to her? She also has a live in boyfriend and children.. this world is crazy 😒

    • Hi :) if I were in your shoes I think I would have to let her partner know, frankly. I would also need her to know I knew. I couldn’t survive with her thinking she had something over me. She may suspect you have found out anyway because your boyfriend has cut all ties? He may even have told her? Personally, and this is just my opinion, I would be inclined to tell her your boyfriend came clean and showed you the pictures and if she doesn’t tell her boyfriend, you will.
      Did your boyfriend encourage her at all in these messages? Was there flirting from his side too?

  24. rachael

    Thank god someone replied ! Ive been going a little crazy not talking about this.

    He did flirt back ! he did reply. He did say VERY innapropriate things to me. But this was weeks ago. I could also see when i saw the measages that he stopped answering her for a very long time.

    It was one single day that he replied. That is why im trying to forgive him. He messed up one day, had a vulnerable moment i guess. ( listen to me making excuses )

    I dont know if its going to work but im going to try one last time to trust him. He told me he felt so bad and tried to clear it up nd fix it himself. a lot

    A lot of my pain comes from things he said when i was suspicious. Calling me ‘crazy’ for feeling this uncontrolable intuition that something bad was going on with her.

    Now my question is what do i do with the ‘proof’? with these screen shots i keep looking at in my phone. I want her to feel pain.I want her to ‘pay’. I want to send them to her boyfriend(i know his facebook) but i cant get myself to do it yet. Am i really that mean? Or doesnt he deserve to know that the one hes sleeping with could bring a disease home to him?

  25. I read these comments and i I feel so much for you ladies.I wish I could put my arms around you and say I am so sorry you are going through this. You are are all so precious and intelligent!
    God gave us an intuition like no other and as I have been learning it is very important to listen to your own voice.
    I too,have gone through great trial and tribulation and walked that sad journey,and I had to get to the place of holding husband accountable instead of the other women.I always despised the women that would reciprocate husbands flirtations,and when I voiced any concern,he would make sure I know that I was ‘plum crazy’ and ‘jealous’..
    Well, I guess I just wanted to be the most important woman in his life,especially after we promised each other to ‘forsake all others,and to cherish each other till the day we die.
    I know there are seductress & persuasive women out there galore ,but I had to shine the very bright spotlight on my husband ,as he is/was my husband and those women will always be around. If the mistresses/whores would go away,another would always pop up,because thats what he would look for unless HE has the change of heart.
    Would you all be open to some resources that might be of great help in starting a healing process?
    I will just suggest some books that a therapist reccomended and helped me.One had to do with infidelity, “shattered vows”, “Your sexually addicted spouse”, and “Why does he do that?”
    all are available from amazon,and the last two especially are very in depth,and focus more on You and the trauma you experience,and to put in words just what you feel,plus various resources..
    Another great support was the website:: http://www.beyondaffairs.com They also have free support with getting together in towns near you where you can get together with others in similar situations,a great source to healing your hurt and pain!
    Love

  26. hello sweeatie!
    Well,there is a positive attitude regarding all the efforts your husband has made to make it up to you.ive learned that men are not emotionally attached to whore’s,your husband knows he fucked up big time and is trying to do whatever it takes to erase the past;we of course will never forget once you brake the trust it cannot be restored because anything will trigger the feelings and pain all over again,a men can love his wife but yet cheat,why? because they need the thrill of new things,they love what they can’t have their insecurities takes the best of them.men don’t accept or agree with the whole concept of being a ”family men”they feel like they are missing out on partying,sex and being single it’s why they end up caught up in cheating.i personally love my husband but iam not giving up on my dreams and wanting great things for me & my kids in the future ive lost all the respect i had for him i learned to make me & my kids #1priority and i always remind myself that i can also cheat & make a fool out of him but i choose not to because i love myself too much to give my body out like a whore to another asshole like my husband.love yourself! It’s not the end of the world but a new start of finding loving & respecting urself. :-)

  27. Hey rachel!..i also encourage you to let the whore know where you stand,don’t allow her to disrespect you,she’s going to feel like shit when you let her know that your husband came clean putting her on the spot which means she was nothing more but a piece of ass to him.your husband will also see a side of you he has never seen which will also send a signal to his little brain that you are not playing nomore games.good luck!

  28. Wendy

    Great words!!

    • Yahaira Morales

      Thank you wendy..lol.

    • Thank you wendy….lol.

      • Kara

        Been there! Done that! Ten year marriage something seemed off. He had been having a lot of seizures. During med changes he started talking to a lonely woman at his work. I don’t blame her; she owes me no fidelity. He promised it was just talk and b/c of his seizure confusion. I made a choice to believe him. He was so sincere and broken it seemed. He promised to only talk to mother or sister; in fact, he signed a contract so apparently sincere and in love with me to makes no female friends as this is how it started I let him come home. I poured my energy and love into us and to help him return to a seizure free life. He did! Just as he got back on his feet at his job I broke my knee. Instead of helping me through it, he felt my cane made him feel old. He left a few days after valentine’s day and giving me a romantic card of undying love. Folks they lie! He had started an affair with a customer and after her husband moved out he left. I had no warning and was left in a world of physical and emotional pain. Soon after her husband died and the insurance was settled he divorced me and married her. He has not worked since he left me-now five years. I am alone but so much better off without him. The poor dear,😀Kim, will be in a world of hurt from him now. Btb he begged me to take him back when they first started living together. I refused!! Guy can’t be faithful to anyone Life is better without the constant agitation of what kind if trouble is in now. Thank you Kim for taking him.

  29. Amber

    Hi everyone. I was so happy to see that I am not alone in my recovery. My husband and I were together 10 years (married 2) when he cheated on me with a co-worker. Although he claims they were both intoxicated at the time the sexual acts were exchanged, he and her were completely sober the two weeks following that night. During those two weeks, they were texting back and forth various fantasies they wanted to do to each other. Even though they never acted on those fantasies, those actions hurt the worst because he was completely level headed. It has been a year since it happened. I chose to stay and work things out. He expresses, even until this day that he is sorry. I believe him. I want to move on with him and rebuild our marriage. Every waking moment I can’t stop replaying the events in my mind. I’m constantly picturing the two of the together and it tears me apart! How do I stop these images? I am so tired of being hurt and sad.

  30. Becca

    I discovered my husband was cheating 3 years ago, but he denied it up until 1 week ago, and for the last month, trickles of the truth were coming in. I knew I should have trusted my gut – but he is the perfect husband and I never in a million years would have even suspected until he forgot to delete a picture he sent to her. He does everything for me and has told me he thought if he spent the rest of his life treating me like a queen it would make up for what he had done – but he lied, to my face, to my tear filled eyes over and over. He has gone to extreme lengths to keep it from me, and now I feel like I don’t even know who he is. He insisted we go to counseling because I was not believing that he was not just covering for his friend. I feel like a stupid fool because his ex-wife warned me, but he was so good to me I just thought she was jealous their marriage ended in divorce. I don’t think he would do it again, I just can’t get over the fact that he slept with a woman from his past. He always said how miserable he was while married – now that he had me he didn’t know how to take care of it and thought he was going to lose it eventually anyways (he is older w/ kids and I am a younger successful woman). I gave up my life for him and his kids – I am practically their mother now, and I resent him because while he became free I became a mother and a fool. I feel like I hate him, but he is the most kind, loving, gentle, man I know – my friends are envoius, because their men are dicks. I don’t know what to do, I want to leave him and can – I don’t need him financially. I just feel like such a fool for not even suspecting anything while it was going on – I feel like I have no reason to be proud when he holds my hand. I would tear him appart with words of hatred – becuase I knew the truth and he wouldn’t just admit it. Now that he has, which I know he is still holding back I just get so sad because I wonder how you can love someone so much but cheat because you are “insecure and didn’t know how to take care of something so good you never had before.”

  31. Claire

    Im in a tricky situation, before my husband and I were married we had split up and I slept with my ex, i have never told anyone this as it made me realise I never wanted anyone other than my now husband. We had a drunken argument and my husband beat me up so to hurt back I told him about the ex. A month after working things out, he gave this grand speech about us getting through anything and how much he loves me and accepts what happened, then he went in his works do and didn’t come home til 10.30 the next morning. He told his friends he ended up going to a house party, I did some digging and found out he took a slapper back to a hotel for the night, wore his wedding ring whilst they did the dirty, didn’t use protection. I kicked him out of our family home, but felt our marriage deserved one more chance for our baby’s sake as well. We have been ok, ignoring what has happened, he said it was revenge and did t even know her name, but i know he has cheated on every girl he has been with but we have a baby together, a home together, things we have never had with other people. I thought now we are married things would be different, i am utterly devoted to him, but he continued to drink and hit me, he can be so lovely sober, he has come back to our home now and we have set down rules of no alcohol, or going out without each other, no Facebook and our phones are open books. But today we passed the hotel in the car and i just started crying, i dont know if i love him anymore, he doesnt seem the same person anymore, my husband is type A what can i do, i know if i hadnt made mistakes then he wouldnt have done this, but it was so easy for him to do, help ladies :( xx

  32. Claire

    Should i contact the tramp my husband slept with to ask if she may be pregnant? Don’t feel i can move on with the thought of her turning up saying she is having his baby, and what if he caught something, we have been intimate since it happened, i don’t know how or why, partly i wanted him to see what our connection means in the bedroom and i couldn’t stand the thought of the last person he slept with being her. Do i get myself checked out now?

  33. rachael

    The open phone thing is nice, but to love again.. you have to ACTUALLY trust him again. Which wouldnt technically involve peeking through his phone and FB. Its nice to look at, and see nothing. But there really are ways he could still be cheating online or on the phone if he really wants to. Do know that just because you have open phones, things could still be going on. Its a feeling of intuition over time when you find him trustworthy again, if you ever do..

  34. Wenfy

    The cheating HURTS bad, but him drinking & hitting thats no good, You need to get U and Ur kid as far away from him as U can….. U don’t want Ur kid to grow up & think thats what a relationship is, Its taking me a long time with bad men to get this, My mom & dad fought all the time, & so did I with all my exs, after leaving them & finding myself. I have a great man! But Please never let anyone hurt U!!!

  35. Brandy

    I have been married since 2002 and four days before Christmas I found out about an affair my husband had with a co-worker from a previous employer. I thought our marriage was fine, we were trying to work through a tough phase of us being too busy and tired all the time. We just had baby number three, we were both working different schedules, it was rough. I thought we would manage very well.

    He started working at a new place, and within a couple of weeks he had a new friend on Facebook. I had a feeling something was going on, but he had claimed that she was going out with a friend of his and that her posts were also about this friend. He started to change, taking showers before work and right after, leaving to go on ‘fishing’ trips with the guys all night, working ‘overtime.’

    It went on for months and I only had a gut feeling, until I caught a message on his cell phone by accident. He was telling a friend how she broke up with him and how he ‘hit that’ and she was upset because she believes anything. I knew it was about her, because he mentioned her name. This guy and this woman he had an affair with knew nothing about me. I lied to me t first, saying he was telling stories to this guy, then he admitted he did cheat.

    When all is said and done, he was telling people we were getting a divorce, that I had filed and had moved out. He claimed I was living with my mother, and that he would be so happy when the divorce went through. There was no divorce at all, yet he made it public that it was. She found out he lied and broke up with him, she did not want to be with a man who was still married and playing two of us. He was upset that she left him, and tried for a month to get her back.

    I no longer believe what he says, because he never cried once when I found out. I wrote him a heartfelt letter and he did not cry or show any emotion. I knew at that moment that he stopped loving me and fell for her. He was upset that someone went and told her that he was still living with me. He was hoping that I would be the first to file for divorce if he acted badly towards me, instead of me wanting to fix things. He also decided to use me to get back at her, to show her he can have what he wants, hoping she comes running back to him.

  36. Susan

    I can so relate to this. 2 months before our 10 year anniversary I found out my husband, who always said I am the love of his life forever, cheated on me. I know SO much what you mean by 2 mindsets. I love him and he is really sorryn but at times I hate him for what he did and thought of having an affair to hurt him back, but that would be senseless. We have 3 kids and that complicates matters, but I cannot move past not thinking about him with her and sometimes I think I can never forgive him and trust him again, although he is type 2 spouse as well. I cannot bear the thought that he was with another woman and also feel I have to remind him all the time and if I forgive to easy he will do it again after 5 years or so. I only found out 2 months ago and feel like I am going insane since I have to be strong before the kids. I don’t know if I can forgive him and move on even though I love him. How long has it been now for you, any helpful advice would be so much appreciated!

  37. Kathy

    I have been married for 31 years. I found out three years ago that my husband had a one night stand while on a business trip. I found out through my doctor because he had given me an std from his casual sex. After it came out I asked my husband how many others there had been. He told me he did it once in 2000 and once in 2002. I’m sure he never dreamed he would get caught. The worst part is I suspected something and confronted him about it but he lied to me to cover him for 6 months until I went to the doctor. We have tried to reconcile but I can never forget what he has done. This is the man that no one believed of being capable of doing something like this. I hate to say it but no matter how wonderful he is to me is there is still a place inside where I actually hate him. I have been working with a therapist through all of this but I just can’t let it go in my mind. How do I get through this?

  38. carol

    my heart breaks for all of the wives yet there are those times when the other woman has no idea the man is married and when she finds out all her pain is just as real. i found out, confronted him, he attacked me verbally and degraded me and i walked away but yes i sent a short note to his wife telling her i was sorry because i didnt know in retrospect i shouldnt have but i really did feel bad and it was his lie

  39. Denise

    Mine was in the military and was in Korea. There he paid twice (that I know of) for Korean prosttitutes. I found out from a neighbors wife. She overheard him bragging to the guys at the barbeque I hosted when he came back. Then he took a part time job and got it on with a co-worker. My neighbor told me about the girl going to my home while I was at work. A few years ago he took an overseas job as a contractor. He was caught pretty much living with “the client” and lost his job. Last year it was a 22yr old he worked with in Iraq. My husband will be 50 this year and this year we may be married for 22 years. I stood by him treating this as an illness he has. I would not leave my son if he had a drug problem. Not sure if I can last much longer. He just left to go back to Iraq for 4 months. I told him not to contact me unless it’s an emergency. I need to find myself and he needs to fix him. He promised to continue with our consler via skye and phone. I don’t want to give up on him but I can’t take another affair of any kind. I have to find a way for me to stop hating him and heal.