Five Months Later…

This entire month has been ruled primarily by my hatred of her… his mistress, his ex affair partner… his slut.

Since D-Day I have had phases of being obsessed and consumed with my feelings towards her… and mostly I have kept them from my husband. I suppose at times I think I am so obsessed with her that he would wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

I found her myspace page with 5 or 6 photos of her. One was a close up… I studied her face for ages. I look at her eyes and I imagine how she looked to him when she told him she loved him. I look at her mouth and imagine him kissing her, and worse.  I look at her breasts and how much smaller than mine they are… and how much thinner than me she is.  But I also look at her face and I know… I’m not the best looking woman in the world, but I’ve no doubt I am much more attractive than her. It offers some comfort – but not much. After all, he still went with her and lied to me.

My husband would think I was crazy – maybe I am. I do worry about what this affair has done to my sanity sometimes.

I feel an irresistable urge to post a picture and her personal details. Of course I won’t do it, but I am overwhelmed with wanting to humiliate her.

One day I will see her face-to-face… one day, I’m sure we’ll bump into her. In the early days, my plan was to have a know-it-all type smile on my face, while I simply said “honey, you weren’t the first, and you won’t be the last” and if she went on any further, I would just say “but from what he’s told me, you were certainly the worst.”

My husband said if I said that, he would not call me out on it. He would just keep his mouth shut. He says he doesn’t care if she thinks that he played her. I think he probably does care, but he’s saying and doing the right thing to appease me. That’s ok.

I want her to think that she didn’t play me. That she was nothing special. I guess that’s it.

I have this niggling thought that she regards herself as something important enough to risk his marriage for – hell, to LEAVE his marriage for. The truth is, she wasn’t. Few mistresses are. It’s all an assumption.

I learnt this week that her house is on the market. The house she and my husband had sex in, 12 times. It’s a comfort to know that he won’t know where she is… but a worry that neither will I. In theory, she could move in next door. She never knew where we lived…. I find that odd, that she had so little interest in him that she never asked where he lived, but she was supposedly wanting to soend the rest of her life with him.

*

I had my husband’s name tattooed on me. I said I would on May 22nd when he got my name tattooed on his ankle… but something held me back. 3 months later I eventually felt safe enough to do it and I love it 🙂

It’s difficult to say why I feel ‘safe’, given what my husband did. But I think the bottom line is, I feel his love, and I feel his remorse. Remorse – not regret – although he feels that too.

My husband would take it all back if he could, but more importantly, even now – 152 days on, he is still willing to answer every question, go over every detail and talk about it whenever I need to. He still says sorry, and he stills holds me when I cry. He has even cried with me on many occasions, and I can see that what he did tears him apart.

My husband bought me a Pandora bracelet last year for my birthday, and last week for my birthday he presented me with a new charm. I have 12 now, plus a safety chain and some spacers – all of them were bought for me by him. This charm made me cry – buckets. It’s a retired chinese symbol charm, meaning Eternity. It meant so much, because there were so many things he could have got me – so many love-related charms… but he chose one that meant forever – the one thing I pray for, and am most in fear of. I love him so much, and that charm will always be my most treasured.

Anyway, for the sake of anyone reading and wondering what life is like 5 months after the discovery of an affair….

80% of the time, life is better than before. 5-10% of the time, things are the same as before… and the rest of the time things are horribly hard. We have a heated discussion probably around twice a month. It usually starts with me triggering and getting either angry or upset… but bottling it up because I want normality… then he notices something is wrong and pressures me to tell him, so I do. The reaction is always the same – he is upset and hurt that I am still in pain. He wants to make it all better – he wants a week to go by without seeing tears rolling down my cheeks, that he knows are there because of him. I feel, at times, like I can’t face another day, and he worries I will leave. We talk – sometimes we yell… then we cry together and then hug alot. Each time we feel better for it, but exhausted emotionally… and each time it feels like we turned a corner. Generally speaking though, the next corner is never too far away.