Approaching 1 Year.

This may be my last post. I am intending it to be, but who knows.

Today, a year ago. He’d been telling another woman he loved her for 6 days. He’d been sleeping with her for 22 days. He was pulling away from me physically and emotionally every single day and things betwen us were falling apart.  I had asked, and accused him of having an affair on several occasions. I knew him too well, and I knew something was very, very wrong. He slept with her last on the 28th. On the 29th they rehearsed together and she was ill – so ill she ended up in hospital. He was a mess worrying about her – and probably worrying because I was not letting up with the whole “what’s going on?” thing.

On 31st March it will be one year since he decided our marriage could not be saved and his best bet was to walk away and be with her. He didn’t even know if they would last, or if it was what he wanted. He knew he had strong feelings for her, and he knew – or thought, at least… that he had destroyed everything we had. I hate him for assuming that. I hate him for not fighting – for not walking in and instead of saying “I’m leaving you”, actually saying “shit, look what I did, please forgive me”. So much would have been different if he had JUST wanted to save us right from the start.

Anyway, the 21st… he came home from work and I wanted sex. He rejected me, quite cruelly… and when I cried, he said I was too demanding and we rowed. He actually had not slept with her that night, but he had the previous 2 nights. SHE was the one who was demanding. She called him every single day wanting him to go round for sex. She succeeded 12 times in 25 days. Pretty impressive.

So, after the row, I moved into the spare room to sleep, and for the first time in 12 years he left me there all night. I cried all night.

The next day, he left for work without seeing me – another first. At lunchtime, I purposely walked the dog over lunchtime so I would not be home when he came in. I was crumbling… so, so hurt. I was so confused… it was like being married to a stranger. I returned once I knew he’d gone back to work… to find roses and cookies. I was glad he’d seen it was his fault.

That night, we made mad, passionate love. I asked him to tell me I was the only one. He held my face in his hands, looked into my eyes, and said “you are the only one”.

That’s a hard lie to get over.

Now, as we approach those few anniversaries, followed by the big D-day anniversary… I realise that even now, all this time later.. some things still get me.

He wanted someone else.
He held someone elses face in his hands and kissed her. I hate that it sometimes pops into my mind when he kisses me, even now.
Someone else touched (and worse) his body, and he touched (and worse) hers.
When I was at my lowest, crumbling, desperate state, during the affair… when I was begging him to tell me what was up… he felt like I was nagging, and it pushed him closer to her.
Ultimately, fog or no fog.. not thinking straight, whatever… he LEFT me. He gave up. I wasn’t worth fighting for.

I’ve heard the line “I’ll never, ever leave you” …so, so , SO many times in the 13.5 years we’ve been together. But he did. And he thinks I should be able to believe him when he says it now. How?

So, just to finalise this blog (hopefully).

Anyone reading this who is struggling to find the answers… you will find them, but it takes time… and some answers may never come.

Marriages can, and do survive affairs… but the damage is INCREDIBLE. There are deep, nasty scars that will fade but never go away. If you love each other enough to live with those scars… and fight to rebuild what you had, and make it BETTER… then you will survive, and you will be happy again.

The last year has been THE most painful year of my entire life – and I’ve been through some horrible things. But I’ve also been THE most happy I’ve ever been. I would never choose to have this disgusting, huge black mark on our history as a couple.. but it’s there, and we’re still here. Thank God.

19 Comments

Filed under Update

19 responses to “Approaching 1 Year.

  1. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I feel the pain in every word that you have said. I too feel the same way and understand this pain intimately because I have just gone through the 1 year D-day of my husband’s affair. It was a day that I felt ambivalent about. On the one hand, I wanted it to come so that I could have an anniversary of the time he decided we were worth fighting for. An anniversary for the time that he has been AWAY from her. An anniversary for the rebuilding of our love and our relationship. On the other hand, I knew the day would bring up a whole mass of emotions that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to tackle. I knew a whole host of flashbacks would come back – things I’d tucked away, hidden away and pushed aside.

    Thankfully, the day came and went without much drama. I didn’t cry, but I was enormously sad. It was also the day my husband had sex with her for the last time. It was the day my world ended. It was the end of “me”.

    I hope that you keep blogging, if not for you than for those who are hopeless and looking for someone to show them that it IS possible. It is one of the reasons I started a blog on this very topic the day after D-day. With my husband’s blessing to air all of our dirty laundry (no names of course), I started the blog at http://www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com and I hope you will come and pay a visit. I’d certainly love to hear your feedback and thoughts as someone who is going through the same thing.

    Remember, the things that touch you about your husband, those little things like him holding your face in his hands when he kisses you, the way he looks at you….those things weren’t necessarily shared with her. I know it is hard to imagine him with someone else – the visuals plague me. I think the best thing I ever did was to insititute an ‘asking policy” with my husband, and helped him to understand that I would sometimes NEED to ask him details and get answers. When I wondered how he looked at her, I asked. When I wondered if he held her after sex, I asked. When I wondered if she would have mind-blowing orgasms, I would ask. I am glad I ask, because more often than not, what I imagine is far worse than what actually happened. He is helping to correct my thoughts which can sometimes be coloured with incorrect vivid detail. I wonder if you two also do this? It really helps me.

    I hope the blog you write helps you feel like you have a place to talk and to vent. Know that it also helps others, and seeing how you cope beyond a year might be beneficial to many people – you included ;)

    Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

  2. I know the pain of infidelity…. I pray that you become a stronger person with each new day. ((hugs)))

  3. Jennifer

    I’m struggling with an affair I confirmed on March 1, 2011. It began shortly after my husband and I took our first vacation without the kids. We’d been married 12 years. The woman used to work in the daycare at our gym. Rumors started that she wanted my husband. I shared my concerns with him and asked that he be mindful of her intentions and that I thought she was trouble. My husband switched gyms. She followed him a month later and persued him hard. He didn’t say no and carried on with her for about a year. I knew they had some kind of inappropriate relationship and confronted him several times about it. He denied even talking with her and was adament I had nothing to worry about. Last November he hosted a going away party for his best friend. Of course, she was invited because she worked out with the “guys” and was friends with him. By the end of the night, my husband had spoken to me twice and sat with her and his gym buddies the entire evening. I sat with our friends who were very concerned about her laying across him to reach for her drink, the way she touched his leg when talking, etc…They were pissed off and I felt like an idiot for them being there to witness the ugly behavior. Rather than start a scene, I told my husband it was time to go and left. He took me home and we talked until the early morning. Again, he adametly denied any relationship or current contact with her. He was lying and I knew it, but wanted to believe him. I never looked in his phone, checked his email, etc…I am not a snoop. But I became one after we had a few more conversations about her. I didn’t believe him and knew my gut instincts were right. I looked in his phone and saw texts and emails to and from her. I immediately threw up several times, then confronted him with the phone in my hands. He was shocked that I had looked at his phone, and stunned that I had confirmed my beliefs. He confessed to it all, sobbing the entire time, apologizing, etc…I called her and told her to never contact him again. I made him call her and tell her it was over. Apparently the physical stuff -everything but sex-had stopped a few days before that party, but they still communicated daily and met for lunch or coffee several times. They didn’t belong to the same gym anymore and in his mind, the “affair” was over and they were just friends. He didn’t tell me about their friendship because he knew I thought she was unstable, a little crazy and didn’t care for her. I am trying my best to work through this and move on with our marriage. We’ve got 3 children under the age of 11, and have had a very good relationship until about 1 1/2 years ago. His job stole his soul-worked as a vp for a fast-growing company and worked 6-7 days a week, often from 7am to 8 or 9 pm. I knew he was miserable at work, but didn’t realize he needed more than I could give him. We had a great sex life, went on dates at least every other week and tried to lift each other up when it seemed life was tough. He still can’t tell me why or how he let it happen, which is a concern. He says it had nothing to do with me, but he was lost, his spirit damaged by his awful job/boss/company. He was miserable and got tired of telling me his problems every day. As she pursued him, she showed him great empathy and was a new ear to bend. She initiated the affair, and the sexual aspects, too, though he didn’t turn her away. They saw each other maybe once a week, maybe every other week, mostly at the gym. They made out in his car and though no one knew, though his best friend who moved, along with his wife, did know. And, the whore’s husband filed for divorce during the affair. I love my husband, and was in love with him until March 1. Now I look at him and though I’m trying to forgive, I know i wouldn’t marry him again. He’s turned into the guys I detested and avoided. I chose him because he was different. He was the most integrity filled, honest, decent man I knew, and now he’s a liar, cheater, sniveling bit of a man. I’ve lost respect for him and no longer believe he’s remarkable and amazing. I know it’s going to take time, a lot of time, to figure this out. I will not make any rash decisions and am hopeful we can work through this together. I wrote her a letter, had my husband read it and emailed it to her. Though I asked her to not contact him about it, she did. He, thankfully, promptly called me and told me she called him. He’s been very open and answers any question I have, no matter how painful. He’s ashamed and embarrased, as he should be, and is doing everything he can to help me move through this. I am not as mad as I was, and don’t cry every day now. I’m able to focus a little on work and the kids, go to our gym with him and the kids every night and am doing better every day. However, I wonder if I’ll remain married to him if I can’t find reasons to respect, honor and fully trust him again. Time will tell. I love him, and even like him quite a bit. Our kids adore him, but I will not stay in a marriage simply for the children. I deserve happiness, too, and cannot be the mother I want to be if I’m not living honestly with myself.
    This is the first I’ve “spoken” of this to anyone other than him. Thank you for the outlet. It feels good to release!
    Best of luck to you.

    • It’s such early days. You will love him (truly) again and you will realise that just because he cheated, it doesn’t make him a ‘cheat’. Everyone is capable of making A mistake… it’s those who do it repeatedly that don’t deserve forgiveness (in my opinion). I can honestly say I love my husband more now than before the affair, and yes, I know how that sounds. Your husband is ashamed and that is HUGE. My husband was… well, IS also… I strongly recommend buying and reading “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It helped me immensely, but more so it helped my husband understand how it happened and the steps he should take in future to prevent it happening again. Affairs happen so often just because of boundaries not being in place… and until this happens you don’t even think about it. You must figure out together what the marriage, was lacking – it might not have been, it may just have been a weakness in your husband – but it’s always SOMETHING… even if it was something small. Don’t be too hard on him if you can – you are already liking him… that’s a good start!!! It’s a long road, and it’s a painful one… but I have NO regrets about choosing to travel it. I do think it will always hurt, and I do think I will always look at my husband that little bit differently… but I believe him to be an amazing person with solid morals… he just made a stupid mistake. You can email me anytime to talk… don’t bottle it up… if you want my email address I will email it to you. Stay strong… take it one day at a time and don’t expect too much of yourself. Sending love n hugs xxx

  4. Jennifer

    Thanks for the words of wisdom. It’s good to know others have been through this and are surviving. Anyone I know who’s dealt with infidelities either left the marriage or live as bitter, angry spouses-not exactly my idea of a good time!
    My husband has a new job with no travel, Mon-Friday and home by 6 every night. He’s coming back to the family, spending time playing with kids, is engaged and present. He had all but dissappeared in the last 1 1/2 years because of the stresses and demands at work. I understand he was beaten up, and am able to see how clouded his judgement became, but the thought that he chose another woman over me, lied to me several times and didn’t respect me enough to just tell me he was tempted by another and wanted out is painful. He tells me he never stopped loving me and always held me in the highest regard, but his actions scream a different story. It will take time before I am able to fully believe his words, though I am trying. Thankfully we’ve been together for 18 years. We have a very solid base and strong foundation in our relationship, and that is why I think we can work through this.

    I appreciate your willingness to help me through this, and am familiar with the book you mentioned. I’m a writer with a clinical psychology background and was just hired last month to be a “relationship expert” for a local dating company. It’s so funny to me that I’ve written numerous articles about relationship issues, written and published a relationship “self-help” book and yet am so lost with my own story. I feel a bit like a fraud…

    I will keep in touch-I think there will be days I’ll need to see some positive words or read how you managed to be good together again. If you can see my email, feel free to contact me with yours. You may never know how you affect others, but be confident your story has already begun helping me. Sincere appreciation sent your way!

    Now I’m off, with my husband and our oldest child-10-to support him (child) in a state competition for the weekend. I know we’ll enjoy ourselves, and look forward to the distraction but am pleased husband is going with us. For me, actions speak volumes over words….

  5. Shannon

    This story resonates with me, as well. I am approaching my “D-Day” tomorrow. One year ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with a woman at his work. I had just given birth to our third child, our first daughter, one month before the “discovery.” The summer was the most intense period of my life. Fall was worse. With counseling we worked through a great deal. Things got better, much better. Now they are better than ever (many issues came out through therapy). That said, I never realized that the first “anniversary” would bring back some bitter feelings. I don’t think my husband understands. He hasn’t done anything wrong–his life is extremely transparent since the affair–and I think he has a hard time realizing how old feelings can resurface when he hasn’t had new actions to bring them on. But those feelings still exist. I’m not sure what to do about them. At least reading this story lets me know that these time “triggers” are normal. So thank you for sharing. To all going through this: it does get better–remember how strong you are!

    • That first year anniversary is really painful. You remember where you were, how he looked when he told you, what you did, what time it was…everything. If I can give you any forward advice it is that each D day anniversary won’t be like that. We had our two year anniversary in march and it was amazing. I’d actually forgotten which day it was….the 18th or 19th. I had to check a calendar because I wasn’t sure and for the first time in a long time, not being sure felt great. It was a relief. The shackles felt broken. Someone said a long while ago that 2 years is magical and something happens and they were right. It really does. Especially when you are both doing ongoing work on the marriage.

      With regards to the triggers, just share the feelings. There doesn’t have to be an action that precedes them…sometimes it’s a smell or a song…but having him listen and support you is all that matters.

  6. Tracy

    One year anniversary is coming up the end of this month. It is so incredibly painful now but its also the happiest we’ve ever been. It was devastating. I still cry often. There is no pain like it. I also have visuals that literally haunt me. When my husband came back, he protected her. I can’t believe I stayed through that period. I must look ahead and I hope you are right about the 2 year anniversary! Peace to all of us wounded by infidelity.

  7. Tracy I hope your anniversary of the trauma goes by without incident and that you are able to see the year ahead as a fresher start, with the buffer of an entire year between you and the event. It does get better.

  8. stillstuck...

    I just wanted to tell you “Thank you!”…I am approaching the one year anniversary of d-day, which also happens to be the day after our wedding anniversary….I still feel so lost as to how I should be feeling about things and this post feels like I wrote it myself. I’ve been sitting here bawling like a baby because you have hit every thought I’ve had throughout the last year right on the head….I’m not sure if I find comfort in that or it just makes me really, really sad. But thanks for sharing something that is so personal and so so soooo painful…

  9. bob

    You probably were a bitch

  10. am hurt too

    i feel the same hurt its deep i’ll never ever be able to forgive or forget but I will still be living with him .. i wish he could experience the same hurt the pain. Given the choice i would prefer death than to go through this living hell than to live with this scar till i die.

    • I know this feeling well and I urge you to hold on. It feels so hopeless at the start and it is dizzying. Nothing makes sense. All that you knew is no longer true. You second guess everything. It DOES get better.

      Is your partner remorseful? Did you find out on your own, or was it confessed? Are you attending any counseling? Although my d day is 2.5 years out, your comment brought my stomach right back. It’s the most empty of feelings there is. Dying feels easier than the insurmountable task of carrying this burden. We all share this. None of us are ever alone if we seek the support. I’d encourage you to check out http://www.beyondaffairs.com and go to the seminars and support section where you can look up a BAN meeting – a local chapter of their support groups. I now lead one and also attend a second on the side. I find it so helpful to have others who remember and feel my pain to talk to. Hugs to you.

  11. Wynona

    I have spent the last few weeks dreading the one year D-Day on February 23rd. It came and went, so differently then last year. Last year, I found out that my husband had slept with my “lesbian” friend (with a partner of two years), and the affair was three weeks in. For weeks, I could feel something was off. Way off. My husband became distant, began to blame me for things, and was just disconnected. My friend, who I would reach out to would tell me that things are alright and there is nothing to worry about.
    The day came when I needed solace, and I began to read my husband’s texts. She was texting him often, and he alike. I confronted her, and all she could say was that she was not interested in men; I did not believe her. I would tell my husband that something was just terribly wrong, and together, he and she would began to blame me for the oddest things, as though I was crazy.
    The day did come, on Feb. 23, 2012, when I finally approached my husband, demanding that he give me an answer. It was one of those things, you already know, but you must hear it, even though you know it will break you. He admitted to me. I called up her partner and let her know. My friend called me back in a hurry, and eventually texting me how sorry she was (you can only imagine what I had to say).
    The next day, I kicked my husband out of our home, leaving his stuff placed in a bag out by the door. She threatened me (we have two children under the age of 6, by the way).
    I remember making myself go to work that morning after having been up all night because in my heart I knew that I had to let myself know that life has to go on. I was devastated. I had never been so decieved, and the anger is still there even after a year from now. I keep my tabs on this woman, as I feel that I need to (because of stuff she stated after the admittance). To my utter surprise, after she and he ruined me, she went on to another couple, destroying their marriage and ending up pregnant.
    I will never understand why this had to happen. Why a person who claims to be a friend and works against you to try and take what is yours (o, she flipped when she learned that I was keeping the house). It is still so startling to me that there are people in this world who make their living hurting other people, who can put on the persona like they are someone else, but just want to use you. I almost want to declare her sociopathic.
    Needless to say, my husband and I are working things through. He returned home a week after the ordeal (she threatened him too). It is hard to love someone, but not respect them for what they have done to you. I find myself in this limbo everyday. I trust no one anymore. No way. I have no more female friends. I have no desire.
    The pain of deception is just too real. It’s almost if someone pulls a bag over your eyes and the world knows everything but you.

  12. lee

    My one yr will be Nov 3. My world came to a stand still when he came home really late from work with a mystery stain on his butt. It bothered me all nite and when he fell asleep I took his phone. Turns out he was having sex in his truck with a girl he worked with. The messages were about his affair and how dumb I was that I didn’t know. I immediately threw him out. He begged for forgiveness but wouldn’t come home til we worked out some things. After 7 months of talking , being intimate and what I thought was working towards reconciling he informed me he didn’t love me. That he was not coming home to me and our 3sons. Turns out he was living with his mistress and not with his mom like I thought. It was like finding out all over again. The pain is unbelievable still, how did I not see it both times.I have moved on some, I no longer love him or want him back but I do miss him some days. The man that I married is gone but I still have to see his face on this guy who is a stranger. I m not looking forward to Sunday at all.