The End.

The End.

I have decided not to blog anymore. I will also be preventing people from commenting from now on. It’s the best thing for me. The affair was the most traumatic part of my life so far and almost drove me to suicide, but I am determined to find peace and happiness and most importantly, the feeling of safety again in my life. My marriage is good and strong and happy. I have much love and respect and adoration for my husband, yet visiting this blog and receiving comments, stories etc daily brings me nothing but misery. I hope my writings and ramblings continue to help those who find themselves in this hell, and that you all find the strength to fight for the relationships worth saving and the bravery and courage to know when to quit.

Thank you, always, for reading.

With much love xx

4 Comments

January 12, 2014 · 12:14 am

Day 1380 ~ Week 197 ~ 3 Years, 9 Months, 9 Days.

ImageThis is a ramble. Forgiveness required… please :)

Yes, I still feel it necessary to count the days, weeks, months and years. Twice a year a big milestone occurs that feels good. The day after the anniversary of D-Day, and New Year. We just had new year (Happy New Year, by the way)… so now there are 3 whole, complete years (2011, 2012, 2013) between us now, and them, then. In April, there will be 4 actual years between… that will feel GREAT!

Why is time so important? I guess because everyday I survive this and he stays, is more evidence in my battle with my mental health.

You see, the truth is, however happy I am / we are (and, we are) my body is not catching on, still. In 2010 on one of my many visits to my GP post-affair, she told me that although I had gotten my head around the affair and was dealing. My body was playing catch-up… and here we are, at least 3 years after that conversation and I am still having issues. Namely, panicky nights of adrenaline pumping around my veins keeping me awake, upsetting my stomach and my life!! I am on anxiety meds and I also take Kalms. I am good day to day, but if I find myself in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, or unsafe, I find once settled in my lovely bed beside my loving husband, I start with the shakes and horrible anxiety that seems to be haunting me.

I have a social phobia thing, I think coming from the fact I just don’t mix with many people in my life. When I met my husband, I worked in a bar and a music studio and was surrounded with people, but once married I moved away from all that and became quite solitary. Especially a few years later when my two best friends moved away and I ended up running my own business from home. I don’t even talk to people on the phone.

I had no problem with this, until the affair. Sure, a crowded room would put me on edge, but with no ill effects during or afterwards. Now, those times make me feel unsafe. SAFETY…. so important, and yet it seems to be the one thing the affair took from me I just cannot seem to get back. The feeling of being safe. I am angry that this is happening to me when I have worked so hard to be in a better place with this whole trauma.

Talking of being in a better place. I definitely am – consciously. I have been debating, recently, closing this blog. A niggling thought is that it keeps me rooted in the affair state of mind. I get comments to my inbox daily, stories of pain and hurt… are they really helping my recovery?!

I want this to be here if it helps people… and even though I rarely update these days, people are still viewing in their hundreds every day. It’s sad, but at least here people may find hope… I want it to be left here, but unless I stop moderating comments (which causes it’s own problems) I am not sure I can leave it up as a constant pull-back to 4 years ago when it all happened. I need to look into it.

So, aside from my anxiety issues, life is good. I recently re-read a blog post where I prayed one day I could watch the ‘movie’ of that day in my mind and not burst into tears. I do that often, now… I don’t know when I became able, but it’s been a long time. There are a few songs that trigger… a couple of places. I doubt those things will ever change, but I can avoid them, on the whole. One song in particular is a complete no-go and will send me running for the hills in humongous sobs and set me back for days… But otherwise, I rarely cry over it at all anymore and if I do it’s usually a sadness… maybe grieving, for the peace of mind and carefree days we lost when he did what he did. I miss those days. I always will I think. My husband is different now… in some ways better, in some ways more bitter. I still adore him… 16 years later. I am thankful, when I read some comments / stories, that my husband’s affair was only a month… that he did all the things I needed him to… that he helped me, listened, answered.

I get a lot of comments from people who are with a former cheater, who refuses to do those things. They write to me telling me “he won’t tell me things I need to know” or “he is still friends with her” and it makes me so sad…

My opinion, for those in that situation is simple… tell him it’s over. If there is one thing 4 years in this mess has taught me, it’s that it’s hard enough. If all the pieces are there and everything is as you need it to be, it is still bloody hard!!! Sometimes it’s still too hard!!

It’s like trying to build a wall with half the bricks missing.

So recently I found the above quote “You don’t drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there” and it got me thinking. I don’t need to still be dwelling on this stuff. I know most of the bloggers I clung to when I was in the early days of recovery have since gone, closed accounts… I am guessing for the same reason. It keeps you there, and sometimes you feel like you’re choosing to be here, forever reminded that your marriage got broken.

I realised lately, that a few new friends I made through work last year don’t know about the affair. I am pretty open about it otherwise. I posted it to facebook the day it happened, right or wrong you do funny things when your world just exploded. But now I don’t want to tell people. I want people to see us as us… 16 years married, in love, happy.

I would love to see us that way too. Maybe one day…

Lastly, it was drawn to my attention somehow a few days ago the things I did in the first couple of months after the affair and I thought I would post about it in the hope it may serve as a warning. You definitely lose the plot a bit after D-Day, even when things are back on track and you and your partner are working towards reconciliation. Maybe more so. Here are just some of the things I did… which I would have NEVER done beforehand…

Got my first tattoo (aged 33)
Got a second tattoo of hubby’s name (rather stupid timing)
Went topless on holiday
Had sex on a balcony
Sang and recorded a song for him (I can’t sing)

Yes, I am a bit boring and reserved. But in those first few months I went crazy. I have no regrets as such, but it amazes me how I was affected by this trauma. I was being bold, daring and trying to be sexy. I wanted to win him back, although he was already back :-\. I find it a little sad, actually… and of course, it stopped… your mind does calm down and start acting responsible again, eventually. :) But I wish I had been confident that who I was before all that was enough, because sometimes, I do still wonder. How are we supposed to compete with something shiny and new? I hate the thought that I am just a pair of comfy slippers.

***

Apologies for rambling thoughts. Thank you if you read to the end ;) x

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Filed under Update

A follow up…

I feel the need to post this as a follow up to my last blog post, How?

A commenter on my previous post, advised that after 3.5 years, I ‘should’ trust… and questioned my husband for staying in a marriage where I was making him suffer endlessly for what he had done. My husband was going to respond himself today but we have been otherwise engaged so for now, I felt the need to elaborate, in order to hopefully clear some things up.

My husband obviously knows about this blog but he doesn’t read it… instead he respects my need to vent to other like-minded people and he believes if I have something I want to talk about, then I will tell him, which of course I do. :)

This weekend, I told him about my post, and the comments that followed.

I have nothing but respect for those who choose to come online and blog/comment about their experiences, regardless of wether they agree with me or not, but I think this is the first time a former wayward spouse has commented with such passion and continued to respond to others who commented after. As he/she was coming from the other side, I felt the need to discuss his/her thoughts with my husband.

Following many hours of talking over the last 3 days, there are some things I would like to clarify about my previous post.

I said “I do not trust him.”

This in itself, was the point of the post, and yet… ironically, it’s not actually true. My husband never used to work with women, I commented earlier that when he finally did, he had the affair. That made it hard to build trust in the first place and as a result of that, I have never fully trusted my husband, but let me be more specific before you (anyone) tells me I can’t have a marriage without trust.

Trust is a funny thing… I have always trusted my husband not to disregard me and my feelings. He betrayed that.

I have always trusted that my husband loved me and would never lie to me. He betrayed that.

I trusted that my husband thought of sex as a thing to enjoy between two people in love. He proved me wrong.

BUT.

I never trusted my husband would not find BETTER that me. In fact, I have lived with that worry since October of 1997. I have never felt I deserved him, and I always felt he would one day wake up and realise there was better out there.

WHEN my husband told me he had had an affair, everything collapsed. We all know how that day goes, right? But amongst the utter devastation that he had LIED, CHEATED and BETRAYED… was this little voice.

So this is how it happens… this is the day.

When I asked him “are you leaving me?” it was a scenario that had played in my head and nightmares, many, many times before. he always said yes… always, and this time was no different. I was right, all along. My husband had found better.

About a week later, he’d been ‘back’ for 5 days. He had ended it, left his job and was doing everything to fix the whole mess. We talked continually every minute of the day, every day… stopping only to sleep. No exaggeration. He told me every, last, detail, over and over and over again. He was slowly coming out of the fog and every day brought new information and more remorse. I could not have asked for more. It was at that point, I first told him I forgave him. I understood the basics of what had happened, how it came to be, why he chose to go down that path and I genuinely forgave him. I forgave him for being naive, stupid, weak, selfish, easily lead. I forgave him for the hell he put me through while the affair was going on and for hurting me so, so deeply. I have never been angry… maybe in a row I would shout more and get more riled up, and for about 6 months our arguments were horrific, BUT I was never angry with him, never made him suffer, never made his life hell.

It was me who, in the end, had to sit him down and tell him to stop hating himself… that he was a good person who made a mistake and he didn’t have to spend his whole life paying for it.

So one thing we realised this weekend while discussing this whole thing was, I am no different today that I was previous to the affair. I was always worried about his interactions with other woman, made worse by the fact he didn’t interact with other women. My husband is shy, quiet… I was his second ever girlfriend, and he was 19. You’re getting the picture?

I am back to trusting him not to betray me, lie to me, cheat on me. I would bet my life on him never, ever having an affair again. Truly.

At times, I have voiced my feelings when a new woman has come into his life… and I think there has been around 4 or 5 now. I initially panic, have a couple of bad days, ask him a million questions about her and his feelings towards her, then I forget about it and he goes about his business.

I’m not his parole officer, and he would tell you that himself. I don’t check his phone, his emails… though I can, and did for a short while after D-Day, I haven’t for probably 2-3 years.

Our marriage is solid. The biggest difference is now he knows what he has. I always knew. I always knew because I had a fair few boyfriends before him. I could make comparisons. Nobody had ever treat me like he does, I had never had so much in common with a boyfriend before, or laughed so much. Even now, after 16 years we are like school kids, we hold hands and kiss in the street.. we giggle and we hear “get a room!” often.

My husband, evidently, had spent the 12 years previous to the affair, occasionally wondering what sex would be like with someone else… wondering if what he had was really as good as he felt it was. I guess it was the big unknown for him. He never voiced it to me, and he ended up with someone else. There were, of course other things too… but this isn’t about his reasons for cheating.

He regrets never talking to me, but in one way…. how could I have convinced him of all we had? He had to do it… he had to go there…. I know this. I wish it was different. We often talk of how lucky we were to find each other so young, but in hindsight, I wish I had met him later. Once he had lived a little. His confidence has grown so much during our marriage, he is a totally different person to the person I met so long ago. I wondered myself if he was too quiet back then, but now I can’t shut him up.

Because of the affair, he found his voice and now when he is bothered about something, I get to hear about it. We learned a lot from this whole nightmare.

But, I digress.

His opinion, for anyone wondering is very different to the wayward spouse who commented on my previous post. He believes trust has to be earned and he recognises that he doesn’t get the chance to prove himself very often, so it will take longer than probably most. He doesn’t expect trust to come in a set amount of time, and he also realises that, actually, the lack of trust I do have in him, is not down to the affair at all, but down to my own low self-esteem. I drive him crazy… yes… but not unhappy. He doesn’t feel like he suffers, or that I monitor him or check up, because I DON’T. I ask a few more questions than most, and I take a particular interest in new women who come into his life, but then I always did and we’ve been together 16 years. It frustrates him that I can’t see how much he loves me, regardless of what he does… but that is MY problem, not his.

If you’re still here, thank you for reading <3

What I am trying to say, in summary is yes… I do trust him not to be a lying cheating b*stard again. I KNOW he isn’t that person.

But now I know EXACTLY how it feels to watch him walk away, I will always fear it happening… always. I don’t expect he will walk in the door and tell me he’s had an affair… but I do think one day he may sit me down and tell me he has met someone else and he is leaving. People fall in love everyday…. good, wonderful people…!

 

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Filed under Update

How?

So I’ve had a bit of a crappy afternoon.

It started the other day, when my husband went to the first night of a college course. I was concious there would be women there and I specifically asked my husband not to sit with a woman, or to be chatty with anyone of the opposite sex. This is how our life is now. Maybe others don’t get it… but I am fed up of trying to explain the situation I find myself in through no fault of my own.

So, I am jumping a little… let me go back to the college thing.

He arrived late, and the only seat available was next to a woman. He sat there, obviously, and then they were asked by the tutor to talk to the person next to them about themselves for a while and get to know each other. Upon hearing this, over the phone after the end of the lesson, I had tears running down my face. I was scared… terrified in fact.

After ‘the affair’ I read a book called ‘Not Just Friends’ it tells how ordinary, innocent friendships, sometimes turn into affairs. It tells how innocent people, good people, find themselves crossing the line with someone, who yesterday, was ‘just a friend’… there is a line… and maybe some people recognise the line and don’t cross it…. but my husband was not one of those people, and after reading this book, my belief is that the majority of people fail to notice the line they are crossing… hence how common affairs are. This book, that possibly saved my marriage, tells you that to truly protect a marriage, friendships with the opposite sex should be kept purely professional.

Thats not to say men and women CAN’T be friends, but affairs don’t start unless there is a friendship there in the first place… unless it’s just about picking up someone in a bar and having sex, but we’re not talking about that, because my husband’s affair wasn’t about that.

So, he came home and we talked a little about it. He told her he was married, told me a bit about her then he said he moved seats at the earliest opportunity and never spoke to her again. He also told me he did not find her attractive in the least and would not speak to her again in a friendly way, just if he ‘has’ to.

So, I was telling my friend this today and she was gobsmacked that this is how my life is now. She told me it wasn’t healthy to have a relationship where my husband can’t talk to women. She thought it was ‘stupid’.

Yes, it is stupid, and maybe not healthy… I agreed with her. I asked her what she thought my options were…. she had no answer. I asked her if she thought it would be better to walk away from a 16 year relationship because of this and again, no answer.  It is really crap that someone who is so close to me didn’t actually say “of course you shouldn’t walk away!”… but she didn’t know what I should do, but she suggested that I should trust him, and that he should be able to talk to other women.

SO.

I only know what I have learnt since going through the nightmare of infidelity. She thinks she knows what it’s like because her ex-boyfriend cheated a couple of times with someone, once a kiss, once she doesn’t quite know, but he says nothing happened other than some texts… I’m going off memory here, but it was basically that. She was in the relationship for a few months before he cheated with some flirting and a kiss, then maybe a year or two later he cheated again… texts and a couple of home visits. He may have said they kissed also. They my friend and him then together for a few (4-5 more?) years before splitting up.

In my opinion, that is NOTHING like what I went through. I was MARRIED. I was with him for nearly 13 years, which is wayyyy off 1-2, possibly 3 at a push… again, going from memory… and he LEFT ME AFTER SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE REPEATEDLY AND TOLD ME HE LOVED HER.

Believe me, if my experience was more like hers, this blog would not exist.

It saddens me deeply… very deeply actually, that one of my bestest and closest friends cannot see how this has affected me and thinks that my marriage is ‘unhealthy’ because I don’t trust him.

I don’t trust him.

Does that mean we don’t have a marriage?

Does that mean I should walk away?

OR, does it mean we sill have work to do and we will keep fighting because we love each other and are made for each other and EVENTUALLY, HOPEFULLY… I will trust him again?

I welcome your views.

I am angry, but I am heartbroken because the conversation ended with me saying “maybe I’m just not over this yet” and then bursting into tears.

Should I be?

Is it wrong that 3.5 years after this SHITE I am STILL hurting, suffering and SCARED? Does this mean I should have walked?!

I know the answer to this, NO… NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! Various sources, and my counsellor said 2-5 years. Thanks, I still have 18 months left. :)

Because, from where I am sitting, I have the BEST friendship with my husband, the most AMAZING relationship. We like things the same, we share interests, we get on well and we get each other. We can talk for hours even after 16 years and the only person I actually NEED in my life is him and him, me. How can that be wrong?

Please comment xxx

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Filed under Update

Cosmopolitan Australia Article, featuring me!

So a few months ago I was approached to be ‘interviewed’ for an article dealing with infidelity and how my friends and family dealt with my decision to stay in my marriage. It was actually pretty hard to answer… as thankfully, most of my support network were on my side and thought I was doing the right thing. Course, some didn’t. Anyway, the article was published. I’m Isabelle. Enjoy!

>>>>Article<<<<

6 Comments

May 19, 2013 · 10:37 pm

Sometimes…

Image

It’s been over 3 years. The 3rd year anniversary came and went, and even the month of March which in the past has been fraught with triggers, nightmares and feelings of uneasiness… passed pretty painlessly.

I am grateful. I am grateful that we are still together, that he hasn’t cheated again and that we are still happy. Our marriage is approaching 15 years next month and we are both feeling blessed to have made it this far. Sometimes though, it feels more like just 3 years… like the 12 previous were some kind of lie. It angers my husband that I feel that way, because in his view, he always loved me, and we were always happy. But the way I see it… those 12 years weren’t good enough to stop him taking the path he did. How can I celebrate that?

I could write a million posts about my feelings of inadequecy… my ongoing anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if the only answer to the GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) I now suffer with, is to remove myself from the situation… to walk away.

It’s not an option, but geez when you’re smack bang in the middle of a panic attack and you feel like you’re going to die… it’s a horrible feeling wondering when this will stop. Am I asking for it because I stayed? Will I ever feel SAFE again?

I like this blog to be positive and offer hope to those in the same boat… but it wouldn’t be right for me to blog periodically about our happiness and not include the ugly stuff.

My husband once blogged about the damage his affair did. I thought he ‘got it’… but maybe he never really did. He certainly doesn’t seem to take on any responsibility when it comes to the anxiety stuff. Sometimes, I just want to scream

I’m like this because of YOU!

Of course, I don’t…. I love him. I know his affair wasn’t a personal attack. I know he did it through naivety and had he had the slightest clue he would BREAK me, he wouldn’t have done it.

Yes. I feel broken. I do… it’s not easy to say… but years ago I had a LiveJournal account, and the icons were a big thing… you would choose an icon to fit the mood of your post. I had one that quoted an Evanescence song..

Image

Except, now… I feel that I am.

That book I also witter on about… Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends… there was a part of it that said that affairs were hardest on people who already had low self esteem. I definitely always did. When the affair happened I sat and looked back over my life and the boyfriends I had before I got married. I was cheated on a lot. It might sound to you like that means something, it does to me. It makes me feel like I can’t keep hold of anything, like I am not enough…. not good enough, yes… but also just not enough at all. I don’t know how to get past that feeling, but it’s holding me back… and its spilling into my other relationships. When I meet people now, I am waiting for them to realise I’m not good enough to be their friend. Even when everything goes well, I know it’s only a matter of time.

The fact that my husband chose me doesn’t even seem to register. It’s like my brain lost that piece of evidence. I try to focus on it, but other thoughts creep in… the memory of him leaving me.. of him saying he loved her… and that it was over. I still struggle with that… sometimes.

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Filed under Update

3 Year Anniversary of it Starting ~ Day 1066

I came here today to blog/rant/vent… any followers who have been here for the past 3 years will know it’s that time again… but before I get to that, I read a fellow bloggers last few posts before I got to my own blog. I don’t do it often, I confess. I view the whole affair blogging world as a place that you need when you are really suffering… and for the most part, that’s not me anymore. (yay!).

Anyway, to the point – I read this post about Valentine’s day and within the text I read this…

a major setback, causing them to lose ground on what they felt was a forward momentum in their healing journey

This is such a good description of what I came to post about today that it just had to be quoted. The blog is – http://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/

So, to today… March 1st. The day the boundaries were crossed 3 years ago. I doesn’t feel that long. I feel accomplished in one respect… and I wholly expect to feel fantastic come April 1st when we were 3 years past D-Day…. and I can put another whole year between me and the worst day of my life.

But, this morning at 12.30am, my husband and I went to bed and I couldn’t resist a dig at him… “ooh just think, 3 years ago, RIGHT NOW, she was lying on your shoulder stroking your leg AND YOU DID NOTHING!” Yep, bad timing… also anger? Any readers of this blog will know anger hasn’t played a big part in my recovery of my husband infidelity. I just wasn’t angry. I understood… and the things I didn’t understand about the whole affair (pardon the pun) I read stuff and immersed myself in the ‘affair world’ until I did understand. For me, that was key to surviving.

So a ‘chat’ ensued… in which hubby said a few things that made my blood boil. Firstly, he said “I still hurt too” OH? REALLY? Like I care?! Oh my god, I love this man more than anything in the world, but playing the victim much?? Then “I still think about it”…. well, good for you darling, because frankly I think you thinking about it briefly now and then doesn’t come close to how this bullshit has destroyed my life!!!

And breathe…

So, after I read him the riot act about playing the victim and making the whole thing about HIM, he then proceeded to tell me he is tired of my bringing the affair up when we row about something else. We actually don’t row all that much… we have a good marriage… a peaceful, loving marriage – though you might have trouble believing that after this post lol. Anyway, I explained that I am not dragging up the past to hurt him as he assumes I am doing… in fact, my thought process is generally in the vain of… “I have gone through HELL for this person and now he is being a bastard?!?!” See? That’s all it is. And I feel the need to say it out loud… my bad probably.

Anyway. He then said “I thought you were doing ok?” which brings me back to the quote. The point is, I am doing well – great actually… but these dates rear their ugly heads and where you were running through life smiling bright and being positive, suddenly the ground disappears and you don’t realise in time to stop the momentum and you’re falling….

So another thing hubby brought up is why? Why does a date bring about these feelings that you thought you had dealt with? Why at 1am am Ilaying in bed in floods of tears when it’s been been months since I cried? Well, like it or not, it brings it back. It’s like re-living it. My husband gets frustrated at this… he asks me what I would do if the affair had been year-long… then what? Well, maybe someone can answer that in comments, but I imagine that on D-Day there were certain dates that sprung to mind… like “you were with her THEN?” birthday, christmas… etc… the sad thing is there are sooo many life events that would remind you in that situation. perhaps you went on holiday and your partner was cheating throughout… perhaps you did something alone because your spouse was ‘busy’ … you’re not going to forget those things.. right? For me… I remember the dates that started the whole thing, when they first slept together etc. I remember the day I found a bag of toothpaste and toothbrush in the back of the car under a blanket and it lead to a pretty physical row… and the night he turned me down for sex for the first time in 12 years and we argued and I spent the night in the spare room in tears. I also remember the end dates of the affair and that whole sorry mess. How can he expect me not to?

My husband has done everything I ever asked him to, to help us heal… except one thing. I asked that he read the blogs of other betrayed people. I figured it would help him to see it’s not just ME that struggles with this. It’s not just ME that’s still in recovery after 3 years and just me who is obsessed with dates and anniversaries. It’s NOT just me who is doing good, then find themselves losing ground when something unexpected hits.

You may say that the anniversaries were expected – he thought so. Yes… of course. But your subconscious can’t plan ahead for feeling something, y’know? It knows it’s coming and figures, yeah, maybe this will sting a bit… but it can’t know the full pain of it until it hits.

And so I cried myself to sleep on a sopping wet pillow. I allowed my mind to drift to images of him on her, her on him… etc etc… I let my own brain attack me with the things that still hurt… the thoughts of him and I before…and the sense of loss that is inevitable.

Maybe one day he will understand. He apologised this morning for his insensitivity. If I can ay one thing about my husband, it is that he always wants to do the right thing, to say the right words… but sometimes he is just so inexperienced, that he messes up… but he is always sorry.

I thought I had forgiven him. I said those words to him just 7 days post D-Day, because I felt I did. I still feel like most of me does forgive him. I have to, to be here? But I am realising lately there is an anger in me, a part that does not forgive him… a sleeping dragon that hates the very bones of him and what he did to us… how his desire and curiosity for sex with another smashed my heart into a trillion pieces. I do hate him for that… for the fact I am still on daily meds for panic attacks and anxiety… and how my self esteem has taken the battering of its life. I don’t like me anymore. I question my worth daily… I do things just to please him because I am terrified to lose him and yet he never asks me to. He loves me as I am, so why do I have so much trouble believing it? Because 3 years ago RIGHT NOW, my husband was in the middle of sending 84 texts over 2 days to another woman, before taking off his clothes and climbing into bed with her on the 3rd day. That’s why.

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Filed under Update

Update on us… Day 1029 / 2 years, 9 months, 23 days out.

Lots of activity on this blog lately has prompted me to blog for the first time in over 6 months.

It makes me happy to know that the last time I felt I needed to blog about the trauma of infidelity was so long ago. At one time in my life…. the first 6 months particularly, I felt the need most days. It was my release.. my understanding friend. I would spill all the crap that was burning a hold in my heart and lovely people, sadly in the same boat, would comment to tell me I wasn’t losing my mind. I often felt like I was losing my mind.

The most common phrase I hear from visitors to this blog is something along the lines of

I don’t think I can survive another day

I have thought long and hard about how to tell you, YOU WILL. I felt like that SO many times. I am told a lot that I am a positive person and that my blog is positive… maybe those people just haven’t read enough. The truth is, I was once suicidal. I went to the doctor, sat in floods of tears and told her I went to bed every night not wanting to wake up. I meant it – don’t doubt that. I couldn’t bear the thought of taking one more breath.

It passes. Thank God.

PLEASE, if you ever think that way – first stop is the doctor. It’s nothing to be ashamed of… sometimes our bodies/heads/hearts just aren’t capable of dealing with the crap our OH has thrown our way. Don’t be too proud to take care of your mental health. You won’t survivie if that fundamental thing is being neglected. Take care of YOU.

So, an update :)

We are great… no exaggeration. I don’t say that to boast at how we survived. I say it because I know it offers hope to those who are not as far past D-Day… and to those who are still struggling. Do I still struggle? My God yes. Not daily… actually, I should say not hourly… at one time it was hourly. Then it was a daily struggle… then a few times a week – you see what I am saying? Now, honestly… the affair pops into my mind most days… but kinda the same way you recall that you need to bring the laundry in off the line. It doesn’t hurt.

Sometimes, a trigger hits – the same things as usual – songs, movies, tv… faces, places. Once upon a time those things would break me… turn me from happy to devastated… bring tears in a second. Now, then make me sigh… swallow… reflect. Sometimes, they make me grateful that we survived. Sometimes they make me angry. But they don’t hurt nearly as much as they once did. They serve as a reminder that life can throw shit at you with no notice and although in the middle of it, it’s our tendency to panic and doubt our strength… we DO survive. We do.

April 1st will be 3 years of ‘clean’ marriage for us. It’s our 15th wedding anniversary this year – June. We had always planned to get blessed / renew our vows on our 15th anniversary. That idea went out of the window for financial reasons, but also… there is still a big part of me that struggles to celebrates 15 years. I feel like we should celebrate 3 years… 3 years of US… nobody else. It’s quite sad. Maybe we will renew our vows when we are 5 or 10 years out from D-Day….

I am still grieving pre-d-day days. I would be lying if I told you that 3 years of recovery has fixed that. I grieve for my faithful husband, the carefree days… feeling safe, feeling secure… thinking I had it all. I could cry right now thinking of it. Maybe that is the biggest, most damaging thing in the long run? I love my husband, my post-d-day husband. In many ways he is a better husband, and our marriage is stronger… but I still miss the days before.

Maybe I always will :-\

My husband now works with another woman… he has done for some months. I found it hard at first… I checked her out on facebook…made friends with her on there… looked at her photos, read her statuses back for months… tried to suss her out. She was recently split from a long term partner and has a baby. I felt VERY threatened by her. Very. It has eased…. but I will never let me guard down.

My husband makes a massive effort to make sure he protects us… if he finds himself alone with her, he leaves the room. He never starts a conversation, and he doesn’t share personal stuff with her. He keeps things cool and professional. I sometimes think he is as scared as me that it happens again. I really hope so xx

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2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 72,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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I’m sorry…

I just approved 19 comments… each one a paragraph or more telling me their stories. My heart breaks, and I want to help everyone… I want to reply to everyone, but I can’t…. I just don’t have enough time :(( Please keep commenting – I think writing it down helps? and it helps me to read them… but please understand I am unable to reply to everyone. My heart goes out to you all xxxx

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Just sad.

Image

The hits on this blog have recently gone crazy. In one way it comforts me to know people are finding me and that maybe I am helping someone, somewhere… but wtf? The above graphic shows over 6000 hits in July… unique views. It might look like I am bragging… but let me assure you it’s the exact opposite… this just shows how common affairs are! How many people are hurting and having their lives destroyed by this ‘disease’?! If I could choose that the hits would diminish to nothing and that everyone in the world could just look at what they have right next to them and not make the stupid mistake of cheating, I would… in an instant. :(

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To my commenters.

This post is aimed at all the people who have commented on my blog in the last 2-3 months that I have not individually replied to.

Firstly, THANK YOU for being here, you help me every day by taking the time to reach out to me and I am grateful for every one of you :). Secondly, SORRY that I have not replied to your posts. I try to get to everyone, but sadly I have had a lot of comments lately and very little free time :(

So many comments are people who tell me their story and open their hearts to me. When I see en email pop up to tell me I have had a comment that needs to be approved, it saddens me greatly. That means yet another person has been cheated on… and that still makes my stomach hurt. A newcomer to my blog who (thankfully) has found some comfort in my ramblings…and reminds me why this was a great idea.

To those who thanked me for writing and who said I helped them – you are welcome and I wish you strength, patience and happiness in the future. It will come to us all, in one way or another.

To those who simply told their story – I am sorry you went through this. I geniunely believe there is no greater pain (maybe with the exception of losing a child) and you are amazing just for being here and trying to rebuild. Don’t ever think you are weak or stupid – some of you actually said those words. :( You’re not… you’re just in love! Nothing wrong in that… and there are many, MANY partners who cheated who simply made a mistake. I truly hope yours is one of them.

To thos who had advice for me – rest assured I heard every word. I love hearing people’s opinions and advice. Likewise I love hearing when someone has related to something I said – it makes me feel I’m not alone.

Once again, apologies for not replying to each post – I still aim to but I am running my own business now and dealing with some health issues too. Please know I read every word, and everyone who has written to me has touched me in some way. Sending lots of love to you all xxx

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Same shit, different day.

I must have posted about this before, but that would be nothing new… Recovering after an affair is all about going over the same stuff over and over until one day that particular thing stops hurting as much, or stops bothering you. That’s my opinion anyway.

So today I want to re-examine the feeling of not being good enough.

What prompted me to blog was a music video… A typical video of these days, women with few clothes on, grinding… Looking ‘sexy’. I used to watch videos like that with my husband all the time. They never bothered me before the affair, ever. I never had a body for those kinds of revealing clothes, even when I was young enough to pull it off. I was pretty big when we met, and much bigger when we got married. We would watch those things, and it wouldn’t even occur to me that he might wish  looked like that. Now? Every.damned.time. I watch and all I can think is “why is he with me?”

Worse than that, I know a couple of couples who have been through an affair… And despite completely believing that my husband loves me and regrets everything, I look at them and think… “you weren’t enough for him”. I pull myself up for this, a lot. I have talked to so, so many women through this blog, and I never think that of them… But people I know! I struggle to get past that immediate judgement… And I think it is because I don’t feel that I am enough… As a person, or physically. I find myself saying it to my husband… “am I enough?” and he says “of course you are!” but then, why did he do it?

I know it’s not about that, I KNOW, but something somewhere isnt connecting that knowledge with my thinking. Maybe it is just simply a case of having low self esteem? I had little confidence and self esteem before the affair… But my husband always made me feel amazing. With him I felt I could be me and I didn’t have to worry about not being good enough. That affair damaged that… Maybe it even broke it altogether?

So it goes on. There are so many things that I can live with these days. Things DO get better, really… And even though the affair is never far away from my mind, it doesn’t consume my every waking thought.

I have had a few comments lately. They are hard to read… I always read with tears in my eyes. They bring back the pain for me, but they also make me so incredibly sorry for anyone going through it. Especially those people who are in the first two years. You may not believe me, but the 2 year milestone changes everything… It is amazing how much better it feels to have a whole two years between you and the affair partner. Its a great achievement and the whole thing just feels so far away now.

It is our 14th wedding anniversary on wednesday… I hope to have many, many more :-)

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2 years since the first text…

So, I only blog these days when I feel the need… And it comforts me to know that since I started blogging this way, my posts have become less frequent. It is undeniable proof that things are getting better, even if sometimes they don’t feel that way.

Today, however, is an exception. I am blogging because I feel I should.

Today is 2 years since Monday March 1st 2010… The day the first text from her arrived on my husbands phone. He had great fun that day sending vile texts to her…. And 2 days later they started sleeping together. But I don’t want to talk about that… I did that last year. This year I was determined it was going to be different… And so far it is. I woke up feeling ok… It wasn’t even immediately on my mind. I actually do go through several hours of the day without thinking about the affair now. Usually when I am working. The worst part is television and the never ending references to adultery… or driving to local areas I associate with her. Then I trigger… Still… Two years later.

The recovery time after an affair, is 2-5 years.

Phew!! That means I got there… I did it! I survived to the 2 year mark. This is a great thing! It’s like I finally feel I might actually feel better sometime soon. That sounds silly… But when that is what you read everywhere it sort of brainwashes you into thinking you will not feel better till at least 2 years. So bring it on I say!

So, how are things…? I know that’s the question on your mind, as I know how I feel when I read other survivors blogs…. It’s like yeah yeah, but HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I am doing well emotionally I think… Physically, I am stuck with GAD and the fun that comes with having panic attacks, and actual physical illnesses that are all to do with the post-traumatic situation I find myself in. It is incredible how this shit can affect you. Seriously… There are nights where my stomach feels like I have food poisoning, I shake and shiver and run to the bathroom over and over and all the while my body is being pumped full to bursting with adrenaline. Anxiety and stress being the cause apparently. I take medication daily (propranolol) to try to prevent these attacks but still they come. Hell, I don’t even know why half the time… I can be feeling just fine with life then boom! An all night anxiety session hits. It’s not fun.

My husband is still the most amazing person I know. THE most amazing. I love him more than ever, and he says he loves me… More. Why do I say “he says”? I don’t know… Maybe because part of me will always doubt his words just enough to prevent me stating them as fact?

Our marriage is strong… But then I’ve read that from other survivors, and then months later they’ve posted to say they’ve discovered an affair that’s been going on for months. Yeah… I would be lying if I said that shit doesn’t worry the crap out of me. I still look right into his eyes regularly… And ask him if he’s being faithful. I guess this is life now. I should know better… I know in my heart that I would know if something was wrong… But theres that thing again…. Paranoia. Part and parcel of this beautiful journey.

Yesterday was February 29th… Leap day, the day women get to propose. So I kinda planned to pop the question… Let’s set an actual date for renewing our vows. My hubby proposed to me on my birthday approximately 5 months after d-day… Which was lovely… But we didn’t do anything about it. So… Anyway, I did it, and he said yes. He said he would marry me everyday for the rest of our lives.
Then this morning he posted on my Facebook “I promise to love you forever, every single day of forever” :) and at lunchtime, a box of chocolates. He knows me so well.

Staying was right, for me. For us. Because he did everything I asked him to do – and more. It’s not for everyone… And I think that you need to take a good hard look at your relationship before deciding to re-commit. If your cheating partner refuses to do everything it takes… If they refuse to answer the questions, when you need the answers… Even if its 3 in the morning… And if your heart isn’t in it… Then walk away… Because this journey is HARD even with everything in place for a good recovery. The road is a long one.

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The Bubble.

I was watching a TV panel talk show the other day about affairs. The headline of the newspaper that they put on screen was ‘can my husband’s affair make our marriage stronger?’

I love watching things on television about affairs these days, not story lines and dramas where they portray affairs in a ridiculous manner. But definitely talk shows and documentaries where they explore the factual, actual goings-on after an affair. On the show, one of the lady presenters stated that if her husband had an affair, that she would be unable to forgive him. She went on to say that the reason for this was because their marriage was in a kind of bubble that they have built around themselves. She said almost like a Disney movie – she considered their marriage to be particularly romantic. She said that they had built a bubble around themselves and their world and if one of them was to stray, that bubble will be burst and would never be able to be repaired.

I find the way she described this very, very interesting. I can identify with the way she talks about her marriage, because that’s exactly how I felt about mine. Me and my husband definitely had a bubble around us and felt that we had our own little world and that we were ‘above’ it all when it came to things like affairs… which is a funny way of thinking about it, but yes, like we were in a bubble floating above the world with just him and I in it.

I actually think this is right for a lot of couples… I like to think that real, true, silly, romantic love still exists in this world – it definitely does for us… however, what was not true was the way this lady described the fact the bubble, once burst, could never be repaired.

For us, repairing our marriage was the only choice and I will tell you why…

The day my husband walked in and told me he had had an affair, our bubble shattered. Suddenly fragile… until then it had felt strong, tough and unbreakable… Like toughened glass… The sort you can stand on, on top of a tower and look down at the world below, knowing you are safe because it will not break. But here it was, suddenly crashing down to earth like a paper thin glass bauble… smashing into a million tiny little shards. We were stood there on this earth… A place we hadn’t even noticed before because until then, our world was just us.. We found ourselves surrounded by people… Some of whom were not always what they seemed. Some, untrustworthy, some manipulative. For a moment, we both stood there taking in what was around us. The shock of this new development knocked us sideways. My husband suddenly realising there was a whole world outside of our marriage. He felt attracted by this world, thinking it may hold the things he felt were missing. I, on the other hand felt alone, and frightened and lost without my other half.

To say this was traumatic would be a major understatement. Picture if you will, two people who had watched this world from inside of their glass bubble for 12 years, and suddenly thrust into it, alone… and, more importantly… apart. It took a day of this new world for them both to realise that although the bubble was broken… the glass shattered… the two main components were still there… Me and him.

EVERYTHING was different. My husband did not appear to be the man I had married, nor the man I had shared my bubble with for 13 years. In lots of ways, the rose-tinted glasses had smashed along with everything else. There was no way of sugar coating what he was… A cheat.

What I thought my life was, was shattered. How I pictured my marriage… Our future… Everything. My husband was not perfect anymore. But I loved him, still… because my husband doesn’t have to be perfect for me to love him.

He got a similar shock to me. For him, the glass bubble of our marriage was broken, but so was his picture of her. It’s amazing how quick the fog can clear once the affair is no longer a secret. There is a lot of power in secrets… Power that is redirected into the affair. Once the secret is out, the power disappears. My husband felt as lost as me… Devastated at what he had done… Shocked at how he had allowed it to happen. Hindsight is a great thing…

How could I not forgive him?

So the bubble was gone. Our perfect world destroyed. We were no longer above anything… But what we did still have, was true, deep friendship and love for each other… And despite everythinmeans everyone around us… We STILL wanted to face this world, together. We STILL didn’t want anything other than what we had always had… Us.

Sure, the bubble was lovely… But it wasn’t real… If anything, it is good to live now, together, in the real world. We are now aware that our bubble was not shatterproof…. We were never safe from an affair… Those who are still suspended in a bubble above earth… In a perfect world they have created for themselves and their love…. Well, frankly… I don’t envy them. I would love to have that feeling of safety back… But it wasn’t real safety… Just perceived safety… and what does that count for?

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Good times

So it’s coming up to 2 years since my husband had his affair. Getting past this New Year was a big thing for me, because it meant that there was a whole year between now and what happened… and although the affair was actually March 2010 – like I say nearly 2 years ago, that whole year in between seems to make a massive difference… almost like a wall of concrete between me and my life now, and the horrendous time that was 2010.
I don’t know if it’s that that makes a difference, but recently I’ve been feeling that I don’t need to be sad any more. I’ve often spoke about how I’m not angry at my husband for what he did, and I’m still not angry on the whole. Just at times I feel less sad, and more angry I think.
I see that as an improvement, because ‘sad’ gets old…. Crying gets old. I have cried more ears than I ever felt possible… And to be honest, althought the sadness is fading, the tears still come – often after a song or a movie that hits just that little bit too close to home.

We had a lovely Christmas, and new year was quiet as usual, but he did happen to arrive home from work two strokes after midnight so it was lovely. I love how my husband finds those things important, like me. Everyday I am reminded how right we are together… We always have been… That makes things pretty tough sometimes, because he DID have an affair, in spite of us being perfect together.

In other news thing have been pretty normal… which makes a change… and anybody who has been through an affair will understand what I mean. Life is never normal after an affair because the affair is at the forefront of your mind all of the time. And when I say all, I mean all. Lately I’ve found that some days, possibly whole days I haven’t actually thought of the affair at all. This does surprise me, but on the other hand everywhere at you look online says the recovery time is 2 to 5 years… So perhaps hitting two years will be a massive milestone and things will only get better from here. I’m sure things will only get better from here. I want you to know if you’re new to this blog, or even if you’re an old reader who has been with me from the beginning,or close to the beginning. At times I felt there was no point in carrying on. At times I felt every day was just too much of a struggle – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “this is too hard” … But I am here to tell you that if you just fight through those days… better days will come and lots of them.

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2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 13,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Down Times

I was syncing my iPod and I realised a load of space was being taken up byvideos I didn’t even know I had… when I looked they were all taken at the start of 2010, the months preceeding the affair… and one while he was in the affair. The worst part was the one I made of myself vlogging (video blogging) at 1.40am on the 12th of march… and I say “waiting for hubby to come home” in other words… while I was sitting there right that moment… there on the screen… my husband was fucking another woman. Right then.

I was in floods of tears… but then I watched another where hubby and I were on our bed messing around with my new ipod video camera, and I said to him “tell me something you want me to know for the rest of my life” and hubby replied with “that nobody’s come close to how much you mean to me, more than what you do… and that I love you” to which I replied “love you back”… then he wrestled the camera off me and pulled me to lie down with him – I was messy and still in my nightie, so I hid under him and pulled the duvet up over my face and he laughed and asked what I was hiding for… then he kisses my head and snuggled in with me. I stroked his face, like I do… then poked my head out and said “turn it off so we can be dirty” and we both giggled like the lovebirds we were.

It is SO hard.

Firstly, watching myself on screen while I know where he is – I know it’s not now… I know it’s in the past and gone – but it’s the same with photos… I don’t have any from that particular month, of us.. or me/him… but I do from the previous week as it was his birthday week and he was off work. We did all kinds of things together, watched the sun rise on the beach at 7am, went out for a meal etc etc etc, those photos KILL me… to know how happy we were, but days later he was with her. Unbelievable.

So, watching a video of us being lovey-dovey… and hearing those words come from him only a week or so before he first met her, is heartbreaking for me.

I sometimes feel like I just cannot let this go. It won’t stop hurting.. and I can’t stop crying. I seem to be having a LOT of bad days right now, and I’m finding myself googling affair stuff again and trying, again, to make sense where there is no sense to be made.

It’s been 18 months, and sometimes it feels as hard as ever to deal with this crap.

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Day 571 ~ Struggling

I am writing this to remind myself of one very important thing.

My husband, when he was still naive… when he was ‘in love’ and when he had no idea how much his actions were going to destroy me, was still eaten up with guilt. He was visibly stressed by what he was doing, and on D-day, only 28 days after he slept with her for the first time… he couldn’t manage another minute of lying, sneaking around and cheating.

That was then.

Since then, he has seen the damage he has caused me, has realised she was a manipulative b*tch and hates himself for being ‘the cheat’.

So, the thing I need to remember when I am asking myself, ‘is he cheating?’… is… how could he be? Surely now, he would be completely consumed with guilt… and if I noticed the change in him then, I certainly would now.

That’s my logic anyway, And yes, I have been struggling with suspicions lately… so much that I have become quite depressed and weepy. I don’t think it’s necessarily that I think he is cheating, although that goes without saying… I think my self esteem is so far underground that I look at this man and I find it hard to believe he wants to be with me. The question really then, instead of ‘is he cheating?’ should be ‘how to I salvage my self esteem when my husband cheated AND chose her?’.

Answers on a postcard.

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Thinking

I’m just being bloody paranoid… if there’s something going on, when?? He leaves for work late most mornings, so no time there. He calls me before he leaves work at lunch and is often late back, so couldn’t be squeezing anything in there… same on the way home from work. The only time he is alone is in the car, so… maybe he is having an emotional affair? Maybe he receiving a call while he is in the car… but if that was the case, then if we are going to my friends at lunchtime is kinda irrelevant. Then there’s the sex rejection – if he’s not sleeping with someone else why would he not want sex?

When he was in the affair, he rejected me for sex, just one time… because he’d slept with her the previous 2 nights. *vomit*.

How can that still knock me sick 17 months later…?

He also slept with me 6 times during that time… quite alot by all accounts. Especially when you factor in the fact he slept with her 12 times. Sex 18 times in one month? Crazy shit. Saying that, we managed 24 the following month :-D

I’ve never thought about the fact we had sex 6 times that month… that is alot for us… maybe he, like her… was hornier with ‘the spouse’ because he was having an affair. *vomit*.

Anyway, I’m keeping my eyes open….

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Chewed, anxious, worried, scared…. that sums up my feelings right now.

Last night we had an early night because hubby was tired. I tried getting close to him, kissing and being more intimate than we usually are unless sex is involved. He kept pulling away, then he said “I’m not rejecting you, I’m just reeeally tired”. He said that cos he knows in the past I’ve been a bit lovey-dovey and he’s been too tired and I’ve cried myself to sleep because I’ve felt rejected. It’s only happened a couple of times since his affair, and it was more like I wanted sex and he just either didn’t read the signs, or just didn’t have the energy… so now he’s aware.

So, then I was wrestling with feelings of… did he think I wanted sex, or is he up to something again?

I would assume he thought I wanted sex, why pull away from a kiss? But I can see why he wanted to nip it in the bud if he thought I was planning on going all the way and he was tired. So, then I tried to remember when we last had sex… 17 days ago :( How can he not want sex after 17 days?! I guess maybe it was all down to being too tired. I know he’s been too tired in the past, but then I also remember during hysterical bonding we often had sex 2 or 3 times a day and he was never, ever too tired.

I woke up feeling better – less paranoid etc etc. Then I called him at work and he asked if I’d heard from my friend about going to hers at lunchtime to feed her rabbit, and I said she hadn’t texted me. That was 8.35am. At 9.45 he called me to tell me something, and asked AGAIN about my friend at lunchtime. WTF? I asked him why he was so desperate to know, and he said he just didn’t want me to forget. I wouldn’t forget, because if I have to go, she will text me… so that will remind me?

OK so the bottom line is, I am on high alert, and I’ll be honest, it’s the first time since D-day that I’ve seriously considered him being involved in an affair again. But I feel sick to my stomach and am on the verge of tears.

I can’t do it again. I can’t face the hurt and the betrayal. My faith in love took a battering the first time and the thought of him doing again overshadows every day as it is. If he has another affair, there would be no staying, no forgiving…. I know I’d want to, cos I am an idiot who is in love and I know that leaving him would be the hardest thing I’d ever had to do my whole life – scratch that, STAYING would be harder.  I’ve always thought about the fact I stayed after the affair as being the easier option in a lot of ways. My black-and-white view is that either way I would have had to deal with the pain of what he’d done… but had I left him, I would have had to deal with that plus not being with him… plus always wondering if I’d made a mistake. In actual fact, staying is harder in some ways because I feel like I am always worried now… there’s never a feeling of safety anymore.

I believe that a person can make a mistake… but not two. Mistakes should teach you a lesson, if not… you don’t deserve to be happy x

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Sometimes… Day 486

Today’s just been hard – there is no reason I can think of – no date trigger, no nothing really. I suppose last night we did go to the cinema – the same cinema we went to while he was in the affair… for the first time since. We usually go one closer, but this one is so much nicer… but to be honest I have avoided it like the plague ever since d-day. We went to see Alice in Wonderland, it was March 15th I think… and my husband was in a FOUL mood that night. We fell out before we even got sat down to watch the movie.

Anyway, we went again last night – he was aware of the trigger and was extra loving. I wasn’t upset – just a little aggravated I suppose.
Today our new cat needed to have an operation and the vet expressed concern about her weight… she was very underweight when we got her a month ago but she had blood tests and everything was fine.. and has since gained weight… but in any case I ended up worried sick and since then (despite my cat being absolutely fine) I have been all teary and crap.

Then tonight I went looking at my husband’s work email – I’ve never checked, even though that is the email he used to conduct his affair- I’ve always figured that he knows I can check, so he wouldn’t be stupid enough to actually use it.

Tonight, I logged in and when I looked, the messages went back to 2008. I knew he’d deleted all affair-related emails back in april last year… but this was the server and it occured to me there was a possiblity that the emails would still be there. My stomach churned… and the silly thing is that I was always kinda glad I’d never gotten to read them, but I found myself praying that they were there.

They are the only unknown, and what a HUGE unknown! I believe everything my husband has told me, but there’s always that doubt. He told me that she did most of the filthy talk… that she did all the running and asking to see him, and that he often said he couldn’t. Seeing thoseemails would confirm that… but could also blow the whole thing out of the water.

Part of me felt excited to read them, to see what exactly was said.

So I searched, hunted and scoured. They were gone. The only thing I did find was an email my husband had sent to his boss in the middle of the affair that read “I was talking to ‘her’ last night….” and then went on to talk about work.

It floored me – that one, nothingy email.

Thank God I didn’t find the others.

So, I’ve done a lot of crying tonight, and to be fair, that’s pretty rare these days. Don’t get me wrong – the affair is never far from my mind. They said 2-5 years to recover. I used to think that was ridiculous. It’s not.

Otherwise, I am suffering very badly with anxiety. Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) to be precise. An after-effect of the trauma of discovery day, and my husband of 12 years leaving me. The damage that an affair does is amazing – AMAZING… I am so convinced now that bad things happen, full stop. All rationality has gone out of the window.

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Post #101. Day 368.

Midnight just turned. It is now April 2nd. One year since I began this blog. I posted intitially of the previous two days… to get my readers (if there was any) up to speed on the hell that I was living. April 2nd I could finally breathe again… maybe I would not have even started this blog if my husband had not come home at 11.45pm on April 1st… a mere 15 minutes before April 2nd.

I read back today (April 1st 2011). I read my account of D-Day (March 31st 2010) and it made me cry. I couldn’t see the text for tears filling my eyes, but as one by one they broke free and rolled down my face, I had no choice but to re-live the nightmarish HELL of that day. Even now, a year on, the pain and knowledge of what my angel husband did, cuts me deep inside.

My husband blogged today. I want to share it with you.

I have been incredibly lucky to have such a forgiving wife after what I’ve done.  I know I am in a small minority here for having someone who stood by me and understood that this was a massive mistake that I had made. I don’t feel like I deserved to be forgiven; only my wife could decide that.  I know there are people who have also betrayed their partners and have not been as lucky as I have been.  I am writing this because it is a year down the line from when I was given a second chance and I cannot start to explain how extremely grateful I am my wife had faith in me and us to try and move forward. I have learned very valuable lessons from all that has happened.  NEVER take your partner for granted and NEVER underestimate the damage you are doing to your partner.

Whilst in the affair, you may think your partner will be angry with you, but you might not stop to think how utterly devastated they will be and the long lasting damage it will do to your marriage should you be lucky enough for them to forgive you for what you have done.

My wife is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yet I took her and our relationship for granted. I am disgusted in myself for letting my desires damage something that was so wonderful.

I’ve grown up a lot in the past year. You need to in order to try and move forward. You need to question yourself and your morals.  I’ve learned to spot the signs of potential situations and to nip them in the bud before they go any further.  Being open and honest about everything with your partner is a must, even if you think it may be trivial or if you think that what you tell them will hurt them, you must still tell them.  It is the only way to get trust back into your marriage, hiding anything will just make it a million times worse.

My wife is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I was so close to losing her.  I deserved to lose her for what I did, why would she stand by me after everything I put her through?  I hope she lets me spend the rest of my life trying to make things right, and to reassure her she made the right decision to forgive me.  I couldn’t live without her, she is my life support, the air that I breathe, the reason I smile, the reason I live. I HATE myself for what I’ve done and I would take it all back in a heartbeat.  I love my wife more today than ever before, I wish I could take away all the hurt and pain that this has caused.  I wish I’d had the courage to try and make my marriage work when I threw the towel in. I thought I had caused too much damage for it to ever be repairable, but it was repairable.  I wish I’d had more faith in us back then.

It’s a year down the line now and yes, it has been hard for both of us – especially my wife, to come to terms with what I’ve done. If you’re going to try and make things work, it will be hard and there will be a lot of tears, mistrust and heartache, but it’s worth going through it in order to get back to the good ‘ol days.  These things won’t be mended overnight; it might take years before your partner stops getting triggers of what you did.  Don’t be disheartened if things aren’t progressing as quickly as you might want them too. If you love your partner, you will give them all the time in the world they need.  Reassure them every day of how sorry you are and how much you love them, don’t hide anything from them, after all YOU caused this, YOU shit on them, you have no right to dictate the speed of their recovery. It will get better in time, providing you give it time to get better.

I will never cheat on my wife again.  AFFAIRS WRECK LIVES, DONT DO IT!!

He started a blog in September of last year. He had the urge to reach out to people who may be thinking of entering into an affair, and warn them that they had no idea what they were about to do. I admired him for that, but he’s not a writer, and he’s finds it difficult to get his message across. He blogged just one post, and then it was left. Today he attempted again to do what he set out to. I adore him for this. There have been times in the last year when I felt he didn’t quite grasp the enormity of his ‘mistake’. I wondered if he truly understood the importance of the things I asked of him. Now, on the anniversary of our reconciliation, he has proved to me that he ‘gets it’. I feel relief.

I had intended to leave this blog at the last entry, but after the past two days I felt compelled to share with you my feelings.

This week has been a multitude of triggers and memories that set off anxiety and panic attacks galore in me. Since monday 28th, I have lived every second of everyday, like I was back there. I tortured myself and felt at times like I was drowning in the hurt again. I felt ill with stress and pain.

This morning I got up and although my first thought was “this time last year we were waking up, hubby went to work, still unsure of who he wanted, and I sat numb with fear all day long, praying he wouldn’t choose her”… even though yes, that was what popped into my head… I got up and got into the shower, and in the shower, I started seeing things differently. I looked at every day we’ve survived since. I thought about ending every day with a red box – like those on ‘Deal or No Deal’, but instead of a number there was each days date. I thought of putting the days events, emotions and feelings into that box at the end of the day and placing it on a shelf. I pictured a large (it would have to be, right?) warehouse with metal shelves going right up high and stretching forever. I thought about how many boxes I would have to walk past before I found the one from D-Day and the day after. It was a long, long way… so many boxes, so many things have happened since… yet because it is the anniversary, I feel like I plucked those boxes back off the shelves and opened them up to feel the pain again. When I saw them in my minds eye, so far away… I could not be bothered to walk to get them. I didn’t feel there was a point.

I had a good day. Yes, I thought about it… but I did not let it consume me.

I wish I’d thought of it yesterday, the anniversary of D-Day.

So, tonight came. At 7pm, I was vaguely aware that it had been officially one year since he saw the other woman. That felt good. At the turn of midnight – not 11.45pm like it should have been – as I said, it has not consumed me… I realised we’d made it. I had been the only woman in my husband’s life for a whole year.

I feel lighter. I feel like something has loosened it’s grip. I am sure I will still trigger, but even before this the triggers didn’t hold the same power they once did. I expect to still hurt, and I expect there is still a lot of healing to do, but somehow, getting past this point is EVERYTHING to me. It is unbelievable how much difference it has made.

So, this IS the last post on this blog. Unless something massive happens I won’t be posting again. I will be doing my ‘One Year Later’ milestones page in a  few days, but otherwise, this is goodbye.  I know there is still a long way to go, but we got past the worst.. and my husband has learnt SO much. I am so lucky and I’ll be forever thankful. xx

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Approaching 1 Year.

This may be my last post. I am intending it to be, but who knows.

Today, a year ago. He’d been telling another woman he loved her for 6 days. He’d been sleeping with her for 22 days. He was pulling away from me physically and emotionally every single day and things betwen us were falling apart.  I had asked, and accused him of having an affair on several occasions. I knew him too well, and I knew something was very, very wrong. He slept with her last on the 28th. On the 29th they rehearsed together and she was ill – so ill she ended up in hospital. He was a mess worrying about her – and probably worrying because I was not letting up with the whole “what’s going on?” thing.

On 31st March it will be one year since he decided our marriage could not be saved and his best bet was to walk away and be with her. He didn’t even know if they would last, or if it was what he wanted. He knew he had strong feelings for her, and he knew – or thought, at least… that he had destroyed everything we had. I hate him for assuming that. I hate him for not fighting – for not walking in and instead of saying “I’m leaving you”, actually saying “shit, look what I did, please forgive me”. So much would have been different if he had JUST wanted to save us right from the start.

Anyway, the 21st… he came home from work and I wanted sex. He rejected me, quite cruelly… and when I cried, he said I was too demanding and we rowed. He actually had not slept with her that night, but he had the previous 2 nights. SHE was the one who was demanding. She called him every single day wanting him to go round for sex. She succeeded 12 times in 25 days. Pretty impressive.

So, after the row, I moved into the spare room to sleep, and for the first time in 12 years he left me there all night. I cried all night.

The next day, he left for work without seeing me – another first. At lunchtime, I purposely walked the dog over lunchtime so I would not be home when he came in. I was crumbling… so, so hurt. I was so confused… it was like being married to a stranger. I returned once I knew he’d gone back to work… to find roses and cookies. I was glad he’d seen it was his fault.

That night, we made mad, passionate love. I asked him to tell me I was the only one. He held my face in his hands, looked into my eyes, and said “you are the only one”.

That’s a hard lie to get over.

Now, as we approach those few anniversaries, followed by the big D-day anniversary… I realise that even now, all this time later.. some things still get me.

He wanted someone else.
He held someone elses face in his hands and kissed her. I hate that it sometimes pops into my mind when he kisses me, even now.
Someone else touched (and worse) his body, and he touched (and worse) hers.
When I was at my lowest, crumbling, desperate state, during the affair… when I was begging him to tell me what was up… he felt like I was nagging, and it pushed him closer to her.
Ultimately, fog or no fog.. not thinking straight, whatever… he LEFT me. He gave up. I wasn’t worth fighting for.

I’ve heard the line “I’ll never, ever leave you” …so, so , SO many times in the 13.5 years we’ve been together. But he did. And he thinks I should be able to believe him when he says it now. How?

So, just to finalise this blog (hopefully).

Anyone reading this who is struggling to find the answers… you will find them, but it takes time… and some answers may never come.

Marriages can, and do survive affairs… but the damage is INCREDIBLE. There are deep, nasty scars that will fade but never go away. If you love each other enough to live with those scars… and fight to rebuild what you had, and make it BETTER… then you will survive, and you will be happy again.

The last year has been THE most painful year of my entire life – and I’ve been through some horrible things. But I’ve also been THE most happy I’ve ever been. I would never choose to have this disgusting, huge black mark on our history as a couple.. but it’s there, and we’re still here. Thank God.

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Grateful

I’m talking to a friend. She confided in me that she knows her hubby of 10 years had an affair. She knew, but he denied it. She watched him and monitored him for 8 months and he flat out denied it…and she stayed.

How?

For me, personally… I had to have the admission… and he had to take the steps to fix it and he had to do everything I needed him to do, for us to reconcile. How do you move on without him saying “yes, I did it” ?

It’s the consequences that, in my opinion… teach the lesson. My husband would not, and could not.. have really understood the enormity of what he’d done, if he hadn’t owned up and watched me crumble before him.

It’s times like these I realise, that despite the affair… I am a lucky woman to have a remorseful, HONEST man who is still to this day, fighting to fix us. <3

 

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Day 352 – Day 17 of the Affair 1 year on

Things are… different.

For eleven months post D-day, we went through so much, but we stayed strong together (mostly).  Right now, he feels like a stranger at times, now… here, in the midst of the month that marks the anniversary of his affair.

I find myself looking at him for longer than I should sometimes… analysing… trying to see what it was that made him abandon me and go to her. It’s almost like he is doing it RIGHT NOW. I can’t think about sex… although we are close and affectionate as always.. it’s almost forced. I’m not doing it for him though, I’m doing it for me. I want us to be close, affectionate and loving. I love him.

I long to have the hysterical bonding phase back. I had never experienced such frenzied, passionate love-making. It was amazing, frequent, and intensely satisfying. I worry, a lot, that we have slipped back into our ‘normal’ sex life, which, while it is good, and very satisfying… isn’t a patch on the 6 months after D-day. How do I get that back? There’s a numbness there now, a lack of interest… I guess, just back to having a low sex drive. It’s crap.

I worry it will drive him away. It’s been around 3 weeks since we made love and I don’t see it happening any time soon. I HATE it, but feel completely bound by this feeling. Maybe it’s just timing.. I struggle to keep the thoughts of them having sex out of my head at the best of times… right now I’m thinking about it in everything I do – sex just seems a really bad idea right now.

If I’m worth anything… if our marriage is ‘right’ , then a month of no sex won’t make any difference. It’s all about having faith.

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Day 347 ~ Day 12 of the affair ~ 1 Year On.

By now, my husband had done the sexting, then the arranged lunchtime curiosity f*ck… then the two quick goes in between work and training, 2 days apart… and with tonight being a friday night last year, this would be their fourth time together… when she suggested a good time for them to get away with it, would be after work when the time he arrived home varied anyway – he wouldn’t be missed. She was right… I was clueless. Even when my gut said AFFAIR, I could not see how or when he could physically do it. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes..  4 times in 12 days. The next 16 days they did it another 8 times. He says the sex was nothing exciting… but to do it on average every 2 days… I don’t actually believe him.

I did – I mean, I HAVE all along… but when I’m re-living this crap a year on, and I’m thinking… if he wanted out like he said – and if it was as boring as he makes out… why would he go from 4 times in 12 days, to 8 times in 16.

OK so I’m obsessing. Will it ever stop?

Otherwise, I am coping. I am crying more than usual… but things between us are good and I am keeping myself extraordinarily busy 16 hours a day in order to stop myself thinking about it every moment. I am making sure I am exhausted before I go to bed to I fall asleep with no thinking time.. and I am up early and getting on with work. I am convinced that once the year anniversary of him ending it and recommitting to me comes around… then I will re-live those amazing few days when we pretty much stayed in bed together the whole weekend, and found each other again. Maybe the tears will be good ones at that point.

20 days to go.

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Day 337 ~ Blame

My recent anger, has made me see things a lot more balanced. Suddenly, a whole 11 months past D-Day my husband took some of the blame from the other woman – in my eyes. I have blamed and hated her all this time. I still do, don’t get me wrong… but I now see more that my husband didn’t have to sleep with her, just because she pursued him – however hard she tried. And the worst part is – although she really tried… if he had cut her dead from the first text, maybe she would have just stopped. Maybe she wouldn’t… maybe she would have stopped and then started again at a later date… maybe the affair would have developed over months and been more about love… but maybe nothing would have happened from there because she would know it was pointless trying. All he had to do was respond to her first ‘over the line’ text with “I’m married” – I don’t even care if he’d said “I’d really like to go there with you – you’re hot as hell, but I can’t because I am married”. That would have hurt bad if that had been the run of events, but in comparison to what he did do… it would have been a walk in the park.

Now, I do still hate her – I wish I could let go of that… but on the other hand, it no longer consumes me. Sure, there are days when I obssess about her, google her and get her photos up. I like the self-torture I guess… but ultimately, she just doesn’t matter. She’s a tramp who is probably still sleeping with other men for her husbands kicks. I actually feel slightly sorry for her.

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The moment

Over 48hours of texting had gone on by this time last year – oh did I mention that the other night – 11 months past D-Day, I learnt something new? Yes. Hubby had always maintained that for the first day and part of the second, he ‘humoured’ her texts, and tried to change the subject. So, during our conversation on tuesday night, I asked how exactly he did that over approximately 70 texts. How EXACTLY do you ‘not encourage’ her over that many texts – when she was saying things like “I’m thinking of your huge **** and it’s making me very ***”. What exactly is the standard response? But more importantly, how… after 70 ‘uninterested’ texts back did she not get the message? How? Well… YOU DON’T!

“I suppose I played along with her”

WHAT? I mean, sure…I knew he did eventually, but it turns out that after a few attempts at replies such as “shouldn’t you be telling your husband this?” he started to play the game. I estimate the texts started at 8.30am and by 9am the game was in full swing. It took NOTHING to talk my husband into have text sex. NOTHING AT ALL.

I think that might have been when I called him pathetic scum.

Anyway.

So, this morning, last year… was Wednesday March 3rd. The day my husband slept with another woman. That still comes as a shock to me. The day started like the previous two – except the texts had moved to email. She simply said “are you coming round at lunchtime then?” and apparently he knew that meant they were going to have sex. He was going to prove just how big he was, and see just how much of what she had promised, was going to happen. He didn’t hesitate to agree. He admits that. He said he was turned on… intrigued. He didn’t think about me. In fact, he though it would be harmless fun. He says the way her marriage was… i.e. open… and the way she talked, had convinced him that sex was sex, and love was love… and just because he was going to have sex with her, didn’t mean anything, and it would be harmless. My husband saying “it was supposed to be a one-off bit of fun” will ALWAYS shock me. That is SO not him.

So today, in approximately 90 minutes. He called me to say he was too busy at work to come home for lunch. He then got into his car and drove 10 minutes to her house. He went inside, said hello to her husband, followed her upstairs, and f*cked her.

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Stupid effing month.

Why did it have to be the whole of March? The whole of one month? Geez, that means one twelfth of my life will always be tarred with this crap… and that’s without the ‘overcast’ feeling of the other 11 months of the year.

I cried a lot yesterday. I couldn’t help but be back there, on that day – March 1st. I was having my wisdom tooth out that day… I was scared. My husband, between his 50-60 texts to her that day, rang me to tell me he loved me and was thinking of me. Yesterday morning he wrote on my facebook “I’m thinking of you today, Just like every other day xxx” It reminded me of his call to me as I went to the dentist. It also made me think he was being a patronising shithead. I described it like someone running someone over, and then taking them a ‘Get Well Soon’ card in hospital. Of course, it wasn’t meant like that. My husband doesn’t have a wicked bone in his body.

So, I was solemn when he came in from work. We went to the beach with the dog, then he dropped me at my Mums because he was going to fix someone’s computer and I knew I would sit at home and cry if I was left alone.

He got me at about 9pm, we came home, ate… then he fell asleep.. as per usual. He works two jobs and he works hard. I have learnt to stop complaning about how much he sleeps. That’s me working at our marriage. He woke at about 11pm, and then the talking started. I was angry. Where did that come from? I’ve never been angry. Not for more than a passing moment or thought. I called him pathetic, scum, weak and a ‘typical bloke’. I told him he didn’t give a crap about me, or the effort I’d put into our marriage for 12 years prior to the affair. I, once again, forced him to accept that this affair did not start from something that developed. It started because he was thinking with his penis, and the opportunity was there. I forced him to admit that he plain and simply just wanted to f*ck her. He wouldn’t say it. It disgusts him that he was ever that person. But he was… and in my mind, pretending he wasn’t isn’t dealing with it.

He said it eventually, it stung and his eyes briefly filled with tears. He doesn’t want to be a ‘typical bloke’. He doesn’t want to destroy his life because he thinks with his penis. He wants to be a good husband and spend his life with me.

We got onto the ‘what did you see in her?” question. She’s not like me. She has dyed black hair, is thinner – much thinner than me. She has small breasts, she’s got blue eyes. She loud, brash and vulgar. She’s ‘common’. I am just a natural brown, hazel eyes.. and ‘fat’. My husband likes my fat – he’s always said that. So, why her? I thought she was unattractive even before the affair – that was my comfort blanket. It failed me.

He struggled… but then said “I know you think she was ugly, but she reminded me of you… in her mannerisms and you two had alot in common”. I knew what he meant. I’ve seen a lot of photos of her. Back in september, my husband took a photo of me from the side. It’s not something you see often… and there she was… in me. We have the same profile. Her teeth and the shape of her mouth – like mine. She’s confident and outspoken… as am I. Last night he told me the only real difference was her vulgarity. I questioned him liking that – I’m not that way. I was brought up properly. I was taught it’s not polite to go into company and tell people you’re horny. That it may be offensive to ask a man you just met, how big his penis is.

My husband liked that? I guess so. He said he did anyway. Where does that leave me?  I’ve chosen to liken it to porn. Just because it’s arousing, it doesn’t mean you want it in everyday life. Well, I hope not.

It was an angry conversation, but there was still tears. He said once again that it has been the worst experience of his life. He never wants to go through this again… and that although, at the time, it was exciting and he was flattered… and indeed he felt something for her that he thought was love. The fallout was such a horrendous shock to him, he will never put himself there again.

I told him I came close to suicide last year. Even with him by my side… even with him doing everything I could wish for and more… even with her gone from our lives and our marriage being better than ever… I still had moments where the pain was too much to bear. I am SO thankful I can cope now. I do cope now. It’s not always simple. Sometimes I want to crawl under the duvet and sob till I run out of tears. Sometimes I want to scream at him and demand he tells me why he did this to me. But mostly, the affair is just there. Kinda like having a bruise on your arm. You notice it. You forget now and then, but then you notice it again.

I hope the bruise fades over time.

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March 1st.

So it’s here. In 9 minutes from this second, the first text arrived at my husband phone 1 year ago. She said she was tired – obviously she hadn’t found it comfortable lying on my husband’s shoulder the previous night in the van for an hour and a half. She had slept though… so much so, that when she stroked his leg… my stupid, naive husband thought she was ‘just asleep’. She wasn’t only tired… she was horny too. There’s only one reason why a woman texts a man to tell him she is horny… but again, my stupid, naive husband didn’t twig that either.

Go figure.

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Hubby’s Birthday

It was nice.. it was triggery, but nice. I asked him if she had sent him a Happy Birthday text last year. 1 week later he slept with her, but no..she didn’t. He said she didn’t know it was his birthday. I guess that shows just how close they were huh?

He said “when we talked about our birthdays she was surprised mine was only a week or two before”

I hate when he uses the word ‘we’ when talking about him and her. The only ‘we’ should be him and I. We got married, that was when ‘I’ became ‘we’… maybe they should write that into the marriage vows.

The night before his birthday, we were in bed talking… can’t really remember what about or why it came to be, but all I was getting from him was “I wouldn’t have slept with her if we hadn’t been so close” and “it happened gradually”.

I lost it – just a little. I get what he is saying – affairs DO happen gradually… except, my husband’s did not. He worked with her a whole 9 times before it started. That’s not f*cking gradual… that’s not being friends and getting close over time… it’s not finding that there is an attraction and fighting it before finally succumbing.

I yelled at him. I feel like he excuses himself quite a lot by using the cliches about affairs. The sad thing is, it’s himself he is lying to. He does it because he finds it hard to live with what he did. He feels better by thinking that he just ‘fell into’ the affair. When I remind him he fancied her from the first time he saw her and did nothing to protect himself or our marriage – that he slept with her out of lust and lack of self control, and not love, he SQUIRMS. He hates it… he knows it’s true and he can’t bear it.

So yeah, when the lines start again about how “you can’t help who you fall for” I get angry… because my husband was sleeping with her long before he started having feelings or ‘falling for’ her. Things are so good, generally, but my god, I would just LOVE the bullshit to stop. If I can handle the cold, hard truth… why can’t he?

We are presently 1 week from the first time he slept with her, a year ago. And only 4 days from the first physical contact they had. I expected to be hurt and to cry a lot – I’m a sensitive, emotional person…. but I’m finding I’m angry… and annoyed, and just ANGRY!! that I am having to re-live this crap after 11 months… and sometimes, yes… now and then… it feels like I just don’t deserve this and I shouldn’t be here.

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day was a trigger… obviously. Not because he was with her last year (the affair was 2 weeks away) – but because a few months ago I found the Valentine’s card from last year.

He spent last Valentines Day in her company – as friends. He was working that day. He had no feelings for her at that point, and although he says that yes, he fancied her… he had never considered taking it anywhere. That said, I’m sure the friendship had probably crossed the line a little regarding the things they were starting to share with each other, and he was probably enjoying her company a bit too much.

Despite that, the trigger for me was this years Valentine’s Day card. The card itself said;

“Happy Valentine’s Day to my wonderful wife. With all my love on Valentine’s Day and always”.  Then he had written;

“Happy Valentine’s Day my darling. I love you more today than ever before. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be the best husband anyone could ever want. This is no less than you deserve. Have a wonderful day my love, my life, my present and my future. All my love forever, and ever xxx”

It’s pretty much a carbon copy – more or less, of what he wrote last year. Two weeks after the wrote those words to me, he sat in the back of a van with another woman laying on his shoulder sleeping. When she started to stroke his leg, he did nothing.

The next morning when she text him at work around 40 times telling him how she wanted his c**k in her (amongst other things). He did nothing.

Two days later, the man who wrote those words to me only 16 days earlier finally did something. He went to bed with another woman.

So yes. Valentine’s Day is a trigger.

Next week it is my husband’s birthday. Last year he took the whole week off work and I declared it ‘his’ week. His birthday was the tuesday and on that day we got up at 6am and drove to the coast to watch the sun rise over the ocean. It was romantic. I took a picture of his smiling face on the beach with the glow of the sun on it. We went to the cinema that week, and cuddled in the back row – as we always did. We went to the theatre and for dinner afterwards. He said I looked lovely and took a photo of me across the table. We went home and we took a photo of us together, being in love and happy… him with his arm around me stroking my hair. Both smiling. That was thursday 25th Feb. We had a lovely, close, romantic week. When the weekend came – the last weekend in February, he worked all 3 nights. It was the 3rd night – the sunday – the end of ‘his’ week… and our lovely week together, that she layed on his shoulder and stroked his leg and it all started.

There’s never a good time to start an affair. But there are times when it makes more sense. Perhaps when a couple have drifted apart… or when one or the other is so absorbed in something else that the cheater-to-be feels neglected, unwanted, or un-needed. Maybe when things are tough, or there are lots of arguments.

The photo taken that day, was kinda like this one:

It wasn’t an uncomfortable moment at a family event when someone shoves a camera in your face and says “smile!”. It was just us, in our home, loving each other. We had sex 4 times that week.

How does a week like that, end in him starting an affair? I’ll never understand.

He says:

“I got to know her and we got close”

“I fancied her”

“She always listened to me”

I get how that happens – it’s typical pre-affair stuff. Especially when the wife at home has stopped listening so much because the husband think he is boring her and has stopped talking.

“She made it sounds like nobody would get hurt”

“She made me curious about sex with someone else”

It took nothing for her to talk him into bed. He was so easily lead it is laughable. She turned him on and then convinced him that a one-off bit of fun would hurt nobody. He believed her. He believed he could do that and come home to me and there would be no damage.

“My feelings for her made me doubt our relationship”

As the one-off sex became a regular thing, he got closer to her and started to think he was falling for her. It was this part that made him doubt his feelings for me. How could he want or love someone else if I was the right person? This part took some getting over…. even when he came back to me, 8 days later he nearly left again when his doubts snuck back in. Thankfully with the help of the internet, survivinginfidelity.com and lots of talking, he finally understood that it was not only possible to be attracted to another person whilst happily married, but it is normal.

Still… normal or not… the fact that the two weeks leading up to the affair, starting from Valentine’s day and going through his birthday week, was so lovely… and here we are again, being lovely. It’s not easy. It feels like no matter how good things are – or seem to be… if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.  I’m not saying I think it will. I’m saying that once an affair is on the cards, it would take a lot to stop it in it’s tracks. To be honest, I think it would take an affair happening previously to understand the warning signs and know what’s happening in time to prevent it.

It’s a shame that seems to be the case, but on the other hand, we’re lucky (?) enough to be in that position. Maybe things will be ok now.

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A decision..

Following a recent post by a fellow blogger, I got to thinking about the purpose of this blog, and began questioning how long I will continue it – and if, ultimately… it’s doing me any good?

I began for two reasons – 1, to put into words the hell I was going through and to try to make sense of everything in a way that could be looked back on as and when I needed to. And 2, because I was convinced we would survive, I wanted there to be something for other people to find in those days following discovery. I wanted to show people how you survive, how amazing a wayward partner could be after his/her affair, how s/he should behave to ‘fix’ things… and so they could see the things ‘required’ to make it work – and I suppose to help them make the decision to move on, if their wayward partner doesn’t doing the things they should.

I don’t know if it’s done #2… but when it comes to #1, although it has helped me to write down my thoughts – especially the making sense part… I rarely, if ever, look back on my posts. Maybe in writing them it has helped my brain absorb it all – maybe it hasn’t.

In any case, I do feel that I am keeping the affair in the forefront of my mind by writing this blog. That said – it IS in my mind constantly anyway and I feel that as the anniversaries approach, there will be no escaping it… BUT once the year is over… I feel like I may be ready to stop writing… and maybe even try to put it completely behind me.

I have no intention to delete it – maybe once I do stop writing I will look back on my posts… I have gone through every emotion possible throughout this year, and at times have written notes to myself as ‘never forget’ things – that either made me feel better, or better prepared me for the future. I don’t want to lose any of that… plus, just in case this blog has helped people, it will be left for any new discoverers to find in the future – as a story with a (hopefully) happy ending.

 

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All about him.

I love him, God knows I do… but sometimes, SOMETIMES he can be so, SO selfish it astounds me.

The first truly selfish thing my husband ever did, was after twelve and a half years of marriage – the affair. Afterwards he told me I had been selfish for years, being a talker and not a listener. Now, I partly agreed with him – but I also believe that we became that way because I talked, he listened, and he rarely wanted to talk, so I got out of the habit of listening. As time passed he wanted to more and more but I wasn’t in the habit of letting him get a word in edgeways. So… it all contributed to what happened.

Since the affair, I have made a huge effort to be a listener. To be interested even when it’s a struggle.. and to be less selfish. Within a few weeks it became second nature to stop whatever I was doing anytime he wanted to talk… and listen – really listen. It’s worked out well, and the relationship has felt more even.

Well… when I say even… actually, it has kinda swung a little too much in his direction. Oh… he talks alright – and I listen… but when I want to talk… he doesn’t listen nearly as much as he used to.

Tonight I was angry about the way one of my friends had behaved – well, not angry – more upset… a little hurt I guess. I rang him to say “can I just rant at you for a sec?” and he talked over me, telling me that he was doing a quiz, and could I look up the answers on the internet?. I said again “I rang to talk to you about something” but he wasn’t listening enough to know I needed to talk. It saddens me, and frustrates me… and upsets me.

In other news, the 10 month anniversary of D-Day came and went without much happening. Hubby and I are getting along really well and things are quite positive and happy. Well, that is if you don’t count the anniversary of the affair looming in 3 weeks time. March… it was allll in March. March 1st – pretty much midnight that day – so the second IT TURNED MARCH, right up until April 1st. I just want it to come, and go, and for me to sit here a year on.

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A Reminder from Mother Nature (via The Secret Life of Jane)

I needed this… maybe you do too?

A Reminder from Mother Nature For the past few days, we've been getting hammered with winter weather. First, there was the snow- big fat flakes that fell and fell and fell. It felt like it was never going to let up. And then the wind came and stirred up the snow and made a HUGE mess. After that, the ice pummeled us, reeking havoc on our streets. This storm was relentless. Yesterday, the entire city was shut down. And now today, after we've all dug ourselves out, the sun is sh … Read More

via The Secret Life of Jane

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Day 306 ~ What did she want with him?

I often ponder this question… what did she want with him?

(This is one long rambling post... only read if bored...)

The facts, that I know of:

  • Her husband knew about her sleeping with my husband, from the get-go, but she said she’d never done it before.
  • She also said she’d slept with 4 people in her life, and she met her husband at the age of 14.
  • People since have talked about ‘their lifestyle’ as if  sex with another man is an ongoing thing.
  • Her husband was not only in the house, but upstairs in the other bedroom, while she slept with my husband.
  • After having sex with my husband, she said she had mind-blowing sex with her husband.
  • She told her husband the details of sex with my husband.
  • She was unhappy in her marriage.
  • She told my husband she loved him.
  • She told my husband she wanted to be with him, properly.
  • She never said she didn’t love her husband.
  • She never asked my husband to leave me, nor say she was going to leave her husband.
  • She talked A LOT about ‘when we’re together….’
  • She told my husband that her husband had guessed that she had ‘fallen’ for my husband (I actually don’t believe this, I think it was her way of telling my husband she had fallen for him)
  • When my husband told her he was telling me everything, she told her husband she loved my husband, and that she was leaving him.
  • She HOUNDED my husband to find somewhere for them to go / stay.
  • She filled her car full of her stuff.
  • She came out of her house on D-day to meet my husband, with her husband’s knowledge, and again the next day.
  • 34 hours after it all came out, when asked by my husband ‘is this going anywhere?’ she said ‘I don’t think so’… but then rang him back minutes later to check it was what he wanted.

So.

It’s obvious that it started as no-strings sex. They got on well… ‘clicked’ I suppose. Once the affair started, she told him she fancied him the second she saw him. I think that her husband may have pushed her to sleep with him, and I know he wasn’t the first from what I’ve heard since. I do wonder about their marriage. Even before the affair, my husband said that her husband was besotted with her. At first, when they all met, my husband and her husband really hit it off… but then my husband took a disliking to hers, and very quickly couldn’t stand him one bit. He felt sorry for her being married to such an ‘arsehole’. There was a lot of feeling sorry for

Anyway, I’m not debating his motives, I am debating HERS.

So, very quickly she went from being a friend to my husband – listening to his problems – listening about me… to sleeping with him, and then suddenly she didn’t want to know anything about me at all. She once asked if he carried my picture in his wallet, and if so, to make sure she never saw it. Was that because she WAS falling for him?

I, obviously, can TOTALLY understand any woman falling for my husband, after all, I did… and quick too. We married after only 6 months. So, yeah.. maybe she did start to have feelings for him.

He believes (now) that he was a meal ticket. He thinks it was that she wanted out of the marriage and would use any means necessary.. and maybe she thought my husband had money, because he works two jobs and could look after her.

This saddens me.

If she did sleep with him just for sex and then fell for him, then I can partly forgive her for trying to take my man. I can’t and never will forgive her for playing around with a married man – I don’t care what arrangement she has with HER husband… MY husband had no such arrangement with me! But if she just simply fell in love… I can forgive her that. If it had began because they fell in love, then maybe I could forgive her altogether… but no matter how the whole thing is looked at, it just did not happen that way.

I believe she loved him – or at least thought she did – because she did tell her husband and she did plan on leaving (she packed everything she owned into her car).

That said, the day after D-Day, she met my husband after work for coffee at McDonalds and told him that she and her husband were going to the cinema that night. She said she was ‘keeping him sweet’ because she’d been unable to find anywhere to move out to, and my husband was being less than helpful. The same night, while he was with me in our home, she text him saying “have you found anywhere yet?”

If she thought he was loaded, then she would expect a hotel room, no? After all, he walked out on me the previous day. Maybe it was that act alone that made her realise it wasn’t going to happen. My husband DID tell me everything, and he DID tell me he was leaving me for her… but he did NOT go to her that day until he’d spent hours on his own and THEN came back to talk to me. He spent 30 minutes with her in her car, where they discussed what had happened that day, and how the whole thing had gotten out of hand. He then told her he had nowhere they could run to, and sent her home. They did not run off together, or go to a hotel. He left her and came back home to me. That had to have told her something?

My theory is, she saw what was right in front of her – he wasn’t leaving me. Despite the words coming out of his mouth, to both of us… he physically did not leave me, and did not go to her. He left her with her husband. I, personally think that is why she let him go.

There is a part of me that thinks, if that theory is true… I wish she understood why he didn’t go. I wish she understood it wasn’t because of her, but because of us. She underestimated what we had, and my husband didn’t try hard enough to make her understand it all. Every time she talked about being together, he thought to himself “I’ll never leave my wife” but he didn’t tell her – and it wasn’t because he was a bastard, it was because he was weak and he didn’t want to hurt her. He wanted to give her everything she wanted. He wanted to ‘save’ her from an unhappy marriage, and he didn’t want to let her down.

The 34 hours between him telling me he was leaving me for another woman, and him telling her that the affair was over, all he did was wrestle with the fact that he’d realised he couldn’t leave me, but neither could he face letting her down. I am certain part of it was that he couldn’t face losing her (I’m not deluded) although he can’t remember feeling that way… but ultimately, he didn’t have the BALLS to walk away from her, and he couldn’t see how it was possible when they worked together so closely. He didn’t set out to hurt her… if anything, she set herself up to be hurt by playing the ‘no-strings sex’ card, then bring the L word into the picture. What did she expect to happen?

I am working on not hating her so much. It consumes me and I don’t like it. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought of her voice, her face, her EVERYTHING, and it hurts so, so bad. If I could only speak to her… ask her her side, understand. Maybe I could move on from it.

 

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Gratitude

Since I met my husband 13 years and 3 months ago, we have always said we had the best relationship of anyone we knew. Admittedly it wasn’t as perfect as we thought, because here we are… but the only person who came close to having what we had, in all those years, was a friend of mine. We’ll call her Louise. She and I are distant friends – we met online… we would chat occasionally. Louise and her husband met at school. They were spouses – but more importantly, best friends… for 12 years since she was 18.

They, like us have been trying to conceive for the majority of those 12 years… but as best friends they got through it – like us.

In July of last year, when I was still reeling and feeling unbelievably hurt and shocked about my husbands affair, Louise’s husband told her he no longer loved her and asked her to move out of their home.

Everyone assumed he was having some sort of midlife crisis, or breakdown. Me? I personally thought he was having an affair – naturally…. I urged her to check up on him, but she wouldn’t allow herself to go there. I get that. For weeks, both families assumed it was a blip, because they were so good together. After about 2 months, she finally moved out. She had spent all that time trying to figure out what he was thinking, and trying to save her marriage. She lost a load of weight and ended up at just over 100lbs. I have never seen anyone so unhappy. Yet he didn’t appear to care. I was convinced there was more to it – that nobody just falls out of love like that.

I haven’t spoken to her in some time. Tonight, she updated her facebook so I dropped her an email. They are getting divorced. She is back living with him because at some point, she got some strength from somewhere and decided she had as much right as he did to be living there. He is being horrible to her on a daily basis, and it’s her leading the divorce proceedings. She is buying him out of the house and she wants him out.  She stopped fighting – she had to. She still does not, and can not understand what the hell happened to him, and to them…. but she has to accept her marriage is over, and that she’s lost her best friend.

She’s not doing so well. :(

I read her email tonight and felt tears running down my cheeks. I can’t imagine losing my best friend – my husband. I don’t care what he did, how naive he was, how STUPID…. he is still my best friend, and the only person I ever want to be with.

I am truly thankful I still have him, even with the infidelity haunting us. It could be worse.

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Crying

Today is day 298.

Last night I dreamt we were shopping and there was a famous tennis player in the town and she was beautiful, and sexy… and my husband liked her. He said “she’s fit” and I took it all in my stride, laughing it off.

Then we were in our spare bedroom, and he was sitting in the baby crib (I was dreaming lol) and he said “I’m not in love with you” and I asked him what he meant and he said “I really liked that tennis player… but I mean,REALLY liked” and then said he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

The next thing I knew I could hear my husband’s voice saying “babe, babe, it’s ok” and I woke to find I was crying and struggling to catch my breath in my sleep… my husband was rubbing my arm trying to wake me up. Once I was conscious I sobbed my heart out as he held me. He kept saying “I’m not doing anything, I love you” … but all I could think of was, how long before he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore?

More to the point, how long before I feel confident in his love again? Because I know it’s me and my issue… he does everything physically possible (and more) to make me feel loved. But his affair stops a lot of it being absorbed.

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Hyper sensitivity

I know why he did it. I know it wasn’t me… I know he loves me and she means nothing to him (now)… so why can’t I shake the feelings of inadequacy.. of not being good enough? Today, we were on the phone and he kept asking me to repeat myself, and in the end I said “do you ask everyone to repeat themselves, or just me?” and he said “just you, because you mumble, and talk too fast”. Oh… so after 13 years I talk too fast?? I cried – how pathetic… but I felt attacked… and insecure… like he was picking fault where he didn’t before.

I feel like it’s a constant niggle with me. If he ever says anything at all negative, I think “I’ll never be good enough”.  For some reason, regardless of the fact I know and understand how this whole thing came about… I can’t shake that memory of him sitting in front of me telling me he was leaving me. For her.

He says now he can’t even remember how he felt that way because he did, and always had loved me. He said even in the affair it was confusing to him because of how much he loved me and how happy we were. But, he thought he was in love with her. He certainly meant it when he told her he loved her… he wasn’t lying. But only days after D-Day, he didn’t recognise the person he was during the affair. He would looked stumped when I asked him why he was intending to leave me for her. He honestly couldn’t figure it out.

I did a lot of reading back then, I read a lot about ‘the fog’ and only then could I fully understand. I don’t believe he didn’t love her – I believe he loved her at the time. Unfortunately (for her) the ‘at the time‘ was a period of foggy thinking. Of not thinking straight – of not thinking with any consideration of the consequences – of being caught up in the moment. When people talk about how married cheaters never leave the mistress… I think it comes down to 2 things.

  1. Sometimes, the (wo)man is just a shit. Sometimes (s)he plays the game in order to have his/her ‘fun’ and knows full well (s)he’ll never leave his/her spouse. (S)he lies more to the affair partner, than to his wife.
  2. More often (I think), being in the affair take the cheaters focus away from the marriage and a fantasy world is created where the affair takes place. Consequences don’t exist, and as far as they are concerned, the marriage and the affair are separate things, and never the 2 shall meet – or hurt one another. It’s like the affair is in a glass bubble… and when D-Day arrives, the glass breaks and everything is left shattered. The affair has lost it’s shiny exterior, and all the cheater can see is the devastation and the face of the spouse. Reality hits.

It is shocking to me to know how little he feels for her now. When the woman in her town died on Christmas day, he said if it was her, he “would be as sad if it was anyone else he knew for that length of time”. It wouldn’t make a difference to him that they slept together, talked about personal things and loved each other. He said he can’t remember loving her. He is overwhelmed with what he knows of her now, and that has taken over his thoughts of her. It actually quite saddens me that after all the pain, he doesn’t care about her at all.

D-day was March 31st. The affair ended a little before midnight on April 1st. We talked till 5 in the morning that night. When we got up the next morning, he walked into the room was in, leaned against the door frame, and with a solemn look on his face, said “I miss her”.

How did I cope with hearing that?? I take it for granted now that he doesn’t care if he never sees her again, but at that moment, he missed her. My husband… standing in front of me.. telling me he missed the other woman. I’m obviously stronger than I give myself credit for.

Sometimes, thinking back to that moment gives me reassurance. He may have no feelings for her now… but he did then, when he had ended it and re-committed to me. I am grateful for that. He chose me. He chose me. He chose me. He chose me.

I need to remember that, when my brain is yelling at me

“BUT HE CHOSE HER!”

Because he didn’t… what he did, was briefly make a bad decision that he regretted within minutes but didn’t know how to get out of.

Must remember that.

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Day 291 – Sex… people pleasing… minor trickle truths.

So around a week after D-Day I chucked all of hubby’s underwear. When he came home from work that day he looked at me, perplexed. I explained to him that I couldn’t cope knowing she’d touched them – or taken them off him. He said she hadn’t. He said that he always removed his clothes before getting into bed with her. I felt quite happy about this… then a few weeks later, he mentioned she would put her hands down his trousers at work… so obviously, she had touched his underwear afterall – he’d just not thought about that at the time.

I was well aware that she had touched his clothes – they were affectionate towards the end of the affair… hugging etc while nobody was around (at work) but I could hardly throw his entire wardrobe away – though I would have if I could’ve.

Today, we had a ‘quickie’… he was due to leave for work at 4.30 and it was 25 past… so he undid his jeans and went at it. yeah, I know… the romance of it all. LOL. Anyways, afterwards I commented on how she must have felt a lot like I did after – just a quick shag and then he’d leave (not my idea of fun…). Then I said “I suppose at least you were undressed and in bed with her though” and he said “not always”. I presumed he meant not always in bed – which threw me because he’d said they were always in bed – but as it turned out, that was true… the bit that wasn’t was the getting undressed. He said at times he just undid his jeans and got down to it. I felt sick. Especially given the fact we’d just done exactly that. I was angry, and told him he had no right to not tell me something like that until 9.5 months past D-Day.

I’ve asked him so, so many times to tell me everything. I know this isn’t a huge deal… but the problem is, he doesn’t think of things, or he doesn’t remember them until I probe.

I asked how come he sometimes did it with his clothes on – a stupid question if he’d been in a passionate love affair… or even passionate lust affair… but he’s always maintained that they would go into the bedroom, take off their clothes, get on the bed etc etc. They didn’t do the kiss, turning to passion, and clothes coming off thing. I find that odd… but I believe him. He said, it was because at times he was short on time and he’d say he didn’t have time to go back to her house after work, and she’d say “you don’t even have to take off your clothes” – ooooh, little miss practical… what a problem solver she was! He then said sometimes he would still take off his Tee… and I asked why bother? He said “she would tell me to”.

Sometimes, I really wonder… if she had told him to leave me and run away with her, would he? Would he EVER have said no?

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1 Year

I wish it was 1 year since D-Day…. how I pray for that day to come and go… but anyways, no… today is 1 year since he saw his affair partner for the first time. The night he went to the club to see the band play to see if he wanted to join.

When he saw her, he thought “I would sleep with her”. That wasn’t quite the terminology my husband used in his head, but you get idea.

My husband, for 12 years and 3 months had told me that he had never seen anyone he wanted to sleep with. Never seen anyone he ‘fancied’. He used to tell me he found women attractive, but he never wanted to be with them.

After D-Day, he told me that her – his affair partner, was not the first. He said there was a girl at a club one night. He fancied her, and she fancied him. He said they talked, and he thought she was a nice girl… and attractive. He thought, had he not been married, that he would have pursued her. Luckily she didn’t push, and nothing happened. He didn’t even ask her name. It was nothing, really.

After his affair, I seriously doubted my husband’s ability to resist someone’s advances – at least, that was the way he was. He knows better now, and knows the damage it can do by even being polite to women who are making a play for him.

That was the problem… see, after he saw her and fancied her, he was naive enough to think nothing would ever, ever happen. As far as he was concerned he was happy, and in love with me. He had absolutely no intentions of cheating, and I believe that 100%.

The woman, on the other hand… she had her intentions mapped out from the start. She even told him that the night she first saw him, she checked out his ring finger. I can only assume she was looking to see how easy it would be to get him into bed. She certainly wasn’t looking to see if he was a free agent.

For anyone reading this blog for the first time… the other woman, in our case… was a work colleague – They both were attracted to each other when he started working with her on January 10th 2010. My husband told her numerous times that he was in a happy marriage, and that he loved me. She talked a lot of how unhappy she was in her marriage and my husband offered a shoulder to cry on – that was mistake #1. They met properly in the middle of January, and from there they became close. Mu husband even confided in her about our fertility problems. He saw her as a friend – someone he could talk to about things he felt unable to talk to me about. I don’t think he was doing anything really wrong… but looking back, he was not protecting our marriage.. or me.

Everything was platonic – other than the fact that she was the type of woman who talked about sex on a permanent basis. She would arrive at work and tell everyone how horny she was… ask how big they were down there…. that kind of thing. I am astounded my husband was attracted to her at all, but he said he felt like she was ‘one of the guys’ in the way she talked… but he liked her confidence, the way she dressed and most importantly, the way she listened to him.

In the 6 weeks that followed, they were friends, confidantes and he enjoyed the time he spent with her. He says, still… that even 1 day before the affair started, he had not considered – or wanted to have sex with her.

This wasn’t something that developed… she didn’t fall for him, there had been no talk of being together… and if anything, my husband had told her time, and time again that he was happy and in love.

But on March 1st, she set out to get him into bed. The texts came every 5-6 minutes for the whole day. They started saying she was in bed, tired from the night before… and horny. They ended with her telling him very graphically what she liked in bed, what she liked doing… and what she wanted to do to my husband. My husband, at first, tried to politely change the subject. He asked her many times what her husband would make of the things she was saying, and she played the whole thing down saying her husband didn’t mind her sleeping with other men. He was shocked, but flattered she wanted him… and in the end… he was, naturally, aroused. She was relentless.

The next day was more of the same, and at some point, my husband joined in the fun – the sex talk. She’d got him.

They slept together the next day. It wasn’t passionate or loving. He said it was like a business arrangement.

*

I sit here today, thinking back to a year ago and I am just, sad. I am sad he happened to like a woman who was an obvious predator. I am sad he didn’t protect our marriage, and I am sad for him.

Last night we got talking because I’ve been suffering with neckache and head pains for around 2 weeks. I was joking about ‘if I didn’t wake up tomorrow” and before I knew it, my husband was in floods of tears. He said he couldn’t imagine life without me, and at some point of the thought process he thought about his affair and got even more upset. He said he loved me ‘so much’ and couldn’t believe what he put me through.

I am sad for us both… I feel like we’re both victims in different ways. I feel our marriage is the biggest victim… but all 3 of us will survive… of that I am sure. It’s been a whole year since she became a part of the picture… and in 11 weeks we’ll have come full circle. I can’t wait until it’s been 1 year since he saw her for the last time.


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Regarding a comment…

I received a comment yesterday on my Love <3 post, accusing me of painting the aftermath of an affair as ‘rosy’.

I was quite upset by this comment, mainly because the last thing I would ever want to do is pretend that an affair doesn’t COMPLETELY destroy lives and cause absolute devastation… if someone thinking of cheating ever reads my blog and thinks everything will be ok if the affair is ever discovered, then I have really f*cked up in my writing.

I blog mainly for me, so I can look back at the progress I have made in my own marriage, because, at times, the ’2 steps back’ feeling makes you feel like you’re getting nowhere, when actually you are. My story is different to anyone else’s and our recovery the same. I’m not going to blog telling the world we’re unhappy, if we’re not.

I suspect the reader/commenter has not read much of my blog. When I skip through my posts, I notice – if anything – an awful lot of negative stuff – outlining how damaged things are, how much I have changed (not for the better) and how miserable I am – at times. I find it quite hurtful to be accused of being TOO HAPPY, after my husband did the worst thing I can possibly imagine.

I recently wrote some monthly summary-type pages for reference, and a quick way for readers (and myself) to see how things were at specific times following D-Day. In one, I wrote – and highlighted I AM GLAD HE HAD AN AFFAIR.

In the original context, it went like this:

It feels like we’re more in love than we’ve ever been, and in some ways I am relieved this happened.

Yes, I just said I AM GLAD HE HAD AN AFFAIR.

Of course, I’m not. But I do wonder if I could go back and stop it happening…. where would we be heading now? Ignorant of all the things we’ve since learned about each other…. ignorant of how NOT indestructable we are. I can’t help but think we were on the path to divorce… eventually… maybe. Who knows?

The original post is here.

If I was wrong to write that, I sincerely apologise… but I stand by it. I would do ANYTHING to change what has happened, and so would my husband. I would not wish an affair on my worst enemy….BUT we know each other better now…. have learnt invaluable things about our own vulnerabilities, and fallen more in love. We now know that we can’t afford to sit back and  ‘be married’ and expect it to just work. It takes effort, patience, understanding, selflessness, consideration, affection, intimacy and love. We believed love was enough, and it carried us for 12 years… but no longer than that. Something had to show us we needed to put more in… and the affair did that.

Thoughts on this would be appreciated….


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Couple of things

I’ve struggled in the past, whilst blogging… to define her… I find myself trying to convey to readers why I can’t forgive her, why she is different from so many ‘other women’ I’ve read about…. but FINALLY today I read another blog and there it was… she was a  PREDATOR… or should I say IS a predator. I would like to think she changed her ways when she fell in love with my husband. She made out, at least, that that part had never happened before. Before, it was just sex – sex her husband knew about, and in fact got off on.

What really pisses me off is the fact that the married part doesn’t make a bit of difference to her when she is looking for her next plaything. I don’t agree with their lifestyle choice, but if she stuck to singles, there’d be no real harm done.

At least I know what to refer to her as from now on :)

Today is the dentist appointment I’ve been dreading since D-Day. In January of last year I took a filling out while I was eating toffee… and from then on had around 9 appointments at the dentist.. midway through those, I switched dentists altogether because I wasn’t getting anywhere. My first appointment with the new dentist was towards the end of february – when my husband and his mistress were ‘just friends’. The dentist said I need a wisdom tooth extraction, and a crown placed over the root filled tooth AND 2 fillings.

I hate the dentist sooo much… and I had all that work done in March – the month he was screwing her. The first, the extraction – which I was terrified about… was March 1st. That was the day the texting between them first started. Her first text at 8.30am mentioned being horny. It went from there. By the time I was laid in the dentist chair with tears in my eyes – having just talked to my husband and heard his reassurances… they were in full swing with the ‘sexting’. I am still in disbelief that ever happened – knowing my husband… but it hurts so much more because of where I was at the time. I remember the day so well – I went home to bed because I was in pain, and he came in from work like any other day… and commented on the blood soaked rags that were by my bed. He held me and took care of me like nothing had changed.

But everything had.

I hate that I can pinpoint certain days because I remember what I was doing that day.

March 3rd, the day they met at lunchtime and had sex for the first time… that night I woke in the night and couldn’t sleep, I went downstairs and sat on my laptop for a while. I remember it so well, because he came down – I assume the guilty conscience was doing it’s job, because usually he could sleep through world war 3… me not being there wouldn’t normally have woke him, and he wouldn’t usually have come down either.

I think back to that memory, seeing him stood there in the doorway all sleepy eyed… and it’s like I am back there. I want to get up and go to him, and say… “what did you DO?!”.

Then he’d tell me and it would have stopped there.

If only.

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9 Months Past D-Day ~ Quiet Days

I’m a naturally talkative person… some would say loud, but since D-Day, 9 months ago, I’ve found myself having quiet days.

What generally happens is a series of triggers… maybe it’s too many in succession… and they’re not the type that produce questions or tears… they just make me sad, reflective… and, well, quiet.

These quiet times go unnoticed when my husband is at work, obviously…. but we’ve had a few times on an evening when I’ve found myself in one of these moods, and he notices straight away. He asks if everything is ok, and I say yes – I’m not being dishonest… but there’s nothing I want to talk about, I’m just feeling down. It’s at times like these I wonder how the hell it all happened… how did I end up here? in this situation? I am also guilty of some pretty stupid thoughts in those moments – he obviously isn’t attracted to me… for example.

Yesterday was one of those days. 1st January – oh, Happy New Year, by the way :). It was a year ago to the day that my husband first heard of the new job, where he would be working with a woman… the day I cried because something felt wrong and I was worried he’d have an affair… yeah, I know how that sounds, but it’s the truth.

So, from the stroke of midnight, I went from feeling elated that 2010 was over, to the realisation we’d hit our first anniversary relating to the affair… and a quiet day started, that I just could not shake.

By early evening, hubby went out of the room and didn’t come back for a while… I looked for him and he was just sitting upstairs… he said he just needed some time to himself… I asked why and he said “I can’t bear to look at you and see what I’ve done”. We hugged and I told him I was sorry it was so obvious – it’s not my intention to hurt him, but I can’t hide hurt in my face no matter how hard I try. After the hugs he ran me a bath, and where he would usually sit and talk to me, he went off on his own. I knew he was just finding it hard to be around me and my pain… which seems selfish in one way – afterall – he caused it… but I understood.

The tention didn’t lift at any point… we went out for a drive, watched a movie etc etc and we were affectionate to a point… but on those kind of days – or moments, I feel almost cold towards him. I think it’s at those time that I feel my most angry, like I want him to just leave me alone… but at the same time, I want him to be here.

The whole of the Christmas period has been odd. I was so looking forward to time with him, and Christmas with him – yet so many times I lost myself in thoughts like “he might not have been here….” “he wanted to leave me… to never have another Christmas together…” etc etc etc. It’s been hard.

The worst part is, in a couple of weeks it’ll be the anniversary of the day they met…. the day he was intrigued by her and found himself attracted to someone for the first time in 12+ years. The first time my husband walked into our home, looked me in the eye… and lied to me.

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Filed under Coping, Thoughts, Update

Goodbye

2010… I was so looking forward to you, but you turned out to be the worst year of my life, BY FAR. I am so glad that you are leaving and taking all the bad stuff with you. Be gone 2010!!

Goodbye and good riddance.

May 2011 be happier and healthier…. our marriages stronger and closer… and lessons learnt in the past continue to stay with us into the new year and the future. xx

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Visitors

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News

I got a news feed on facebook today… “Police are investigating the unexplained death of a woman in ******* on Christmas Day.”

It went on to say she was 31. Her, the woman who tried to steal my husband, lives in that town, and turned 32 on December 20th. I’m assuming they won’t have the age wrong, even if she only just turned 32.

So it’s not her.

Nevertheless, it made my stomach do that flippy thing, and now I am sitting here wondering if I wished it was her.

I have often said I wished she was dead. I don’t mean that…. but if I heard she’d moved away to the other side of the world, nothing would make me happier. But today, reading that story… part of me was disappointed to see the ’31′ knowing that meant it definitely was not my husband’s ex-mistress. That feeling makes me feel terrible. She is, after all, a human being – younger than me, with her whole life ahead of her. For her to die would be an awful thing.

I hate what his affair has turned me into… to hate another individual so much can’t be good… yet I read a few blogs written by women who are or were that woman… the other woman. I see how it was for them, from their side… and I don’t hate them, or even dislike them. Sometimes I am sad for them because I can’t imagine being involved with a married man and I think it’s wrong to pursue one… and I think it shows a lack of self respect… but that’s all.

I think I hate her because not only did she sleep with my husband and beg him to leave me, but the way she went about it and the things I’ve heard about her since, make my blood boil. She’s a nasty piece of work… she is disliked by pretty much everyone – my husband felt sorry for her because he knew people hated her. How ironic. She had tried it on with every member of the band, past and present – whether they were in relationships or not. She is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone. I don’t expect her to think of me, the wife… but she cheated on her own husband too.

I know I will get comments about how I can hate her and forgive my husband… and yeah, I see that… but when I considered contacting her I was warned by the people who know her to leave well alone… that I would end up more hurt, and she would show no remorse or compassion for my situation. I guess that means I’ll never know her side or be able to forgive…. and I actually hate that. I wish I could understand more, and be able to hate less.

But at least I know, if it was her… if she had been dead.. I would have felt sadness. I guess there is a scrap of human emotion left in me somewhere.

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Interested….

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Filed under Misc

Affairs, affairs…. everywhere!

If one thing has amazed me since D-Day, it’s how many TV shows have storylines centering around affairs – and you rarely notice it until you have been betrayed on yourself. They are everywhere. One would think it was the ‘norm’ to cheat on your wife/husband… and moreso, that it is impossible to be married for any length of time, without straying.

Then, once the affair is revealed – often in a big christmas episode, or season finale, one of two things happen; either it is assumed that after an affair, the only way to deal with the infidelity is to ditch the cheater…. or there are tears and yelling, and then things go back to normal.

This irks me for two reasons.

  1. A LOT of betrayed spouses actually choose to try to forgive – I forget the statistics I read, but it was wayyy more than you’d think. It is certainly not a given that they will walk away…. not like you’d be lead to believe. What annoys me about this, is that people who have never been in that situation often expect others to behave that way…. as in, people think we are stupid for staying, JUST because they see it so often on TV.
  2. Even if the betrayed spouse stays – and the cheater wants to save the marriage… things NEVER just go back to normal. Time and time again I read blogs where you wouldn’t know when the post was written… it could be 2 days post D-Day or 2 years. The pain is the same – the shock, feelings of betrayal… all there, even months on. I wonder if things EVER go back to ‘normal’, or if we don’t just find a new version of it. On TV, you have the hour-long reveal, tears etc then the next day dawns and the wounds are healed.

I wonder why infidelity is so fascinating to watch for us all… those who have lived it know that the dramatisations we see everyday don’t even scratch the surface of how it actually feels, or the hellish aftermath we have to live through…. yet, TV execs all over the world insert affairs left, right and centre into programmes to get the viewers. Are we all just attracted to other people’s lives being destroyed, in any way possible? or is it that we all identify with human weakness, and accept that what we are seeing on the TV – whilst not giving a true representation, actually does mimic real life. They destroy lives and tear worlds apart, but people don’t realise that until it’s too late. Maybe the TV shows should show actual true-to-life accounts of the devastation an affair causes, and tone down the glamourising of the whole thing… then maybe affairs wouldn’t be everywhere.

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